Melancholia. It suddenly takes over my entire being. Every pore in the body seems to cry out in pain and in vain.
One bit of trivia I read says that if the stomach did not produce a mucous lining everyday, it would eat itself. I see an analogy here. I see it when I watch myself looking calm and composed. I hear it in the words that some people I meet and know use to describe me: Vivacious. Effervescent. Lively.
Where do these come from? The other day a friend asked me whether I was attending positive thinking classes. With so much negativity around, I think it is that mucous lining in my system that prevents total self-destruction.
But, am I safe? I know that the first opportunity I get to be lost in a maze, I will use it. I find in those endless dead-ends the only way to test my stamina and my desire to live. Or die.
And live for what? Die for what? Tomorrow?
I want to know my future. But wouldn’t that be boring?
No. Not anymore. I have had too many surprises and shocks to last me a couple of lifetimes. Now I want to know what tomorrow holds, and even if it holds nothing, I want to be aware of the emptiness that awaits me.
Besides, what is so boring about awareness? Why would the knowledge that at the end of the road there is a gate/a park/a dragon/a friend/a bookstore/a musician/a beggar/a stranger/a haunted house/a warm home/an unknown hamlet/a felled tree/a blooming flower/a bench/a blind alley fill one with ennui? Each of these carry within them the potential to challenge us, make us, unmake us … and we would react to them not as we do today but as we would feel about them tomorrow. So where is the boredom?
It isn’t what we get that adds excitement to our lives, but what we do with them. Sometimes people treat unusual happenings with disdain for they have not been able to understand fully the immensity of their extraordinariness. And sometimes, we can take the most mundane events and make them seem like such a wonderful boon.
I want to know about tomorrow. I need to touch something more tangible than the sky.