This was my star forecast a few days ago: "You're going to have to be very tough with somebody. That isn't a problem as you're perfectly capable of standing up to others."
Then, what could the problem be? I was a tough one, I would brandish a sword, aim the barrel of a gun, claw at someone's flesh...my imagination was running riot at the thought of me, whip in hand, dressed in leather, galloping into the sunset...but the star teller had other ideas. She continued rather ominously, "The real difficulty is that the person in question is you, and the issue one you've been avoiding for ages. Continue to ignore it and you'll only feel more guilty."
Hah. More guilt on my plate. So, what was new? I am my own opponent. I avoid tricky personal issues. I am then filled with guilt about those issues or about not dealing with them or about dealing with them or about just being involved in them, with them, for them, against them....of just being me.
Okay, I was made to feel guilty again. I was a bit rude with someone. Such disillusionement had set in that the only recourse was to find sleep in stupor. The slow rumblings of my conscience reached a crescendo. Red-faced anger was replaced by red-faced embarrassment. I felt like I had been slashing at a canvas that I had painted with my own blood...I fell asleep with these broken thoughts.
I woke up with guilt...I sat quietly wondering about what punishment I should give myself.
Suddenly, as Fate always does, I got the tidings that at the cause of my guilt was a false alarm. I should have been happy, but I felt cheated. And stupid. Did I imagine that I could have such an impact on another's life? A few stray words may cause immense upheavel for me, but the other person could well remain unmoved because those were merely words, merely actions, merely everything...
It is a world where 'merely' rules. But when I burst out in emotional torrents, it is not merely a case of ruptured veins.
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