13.4.07

An I for an I

I have always been self-conscious. I do not try to curb it, for that would be even more glaringly self-conscious.

I see self-consciousness in two ways:

When I use the ‘I’, it does not act as a barrier – if anything, it lets my thoughts flow more easily. I want to be in it head first and if it hits a wall, then so be it. I don’t think ahead. Foresight may be about thinking ahead, but reality has never been able to follow one’s thoughts.

The ‘I’ is my involvement with whatever it is I do or write. It may seem egotistical, and in some ways it is, but for me it works as eye-contact, or even touch.

And that slight sense of unease that is perhaps perceived does not embarrass me in the least. Perfection is an illusion – I seek it, but never claim to have found it.

Self-consciousness is also about consciousness of the Self. I have gone through several phases of this mystical search. There was a time when I read books only on the subject; I sketched figures that looked lost in thought, or just lost; I spent hours talking about abstract things.

I have not rid myself completely of that, and I do not wish to.

One never looks for the wind; it is invisible. But it sustains us; so also have my mystical leanings. I need the abstract, even the obtuse, to help me breathe. I do not wish to catch the air…just feel it.

It rarely results in anyone understanding you, and it is a lonely journey.
- - -
Nikalte they kahaan jaane ke liye, pahunche hai kahaan maalum nahin
Ab apne bhatakte qadmoun ko, manzil ka nishaan maalum nahin

Barbaad wafa ka afsaana hum kis se kahein aur kaise kahein
Khaamosh hain lab aur duniya ko, ashkon ki zubaan maalum nahin

Dil shola-e-Gham se Khaak hue ya aag lagi armaanon mein
Kya cheez jali kyun seene se, uthta hai dhuaan maalum nahin

Humne bhi kabhi is gulshan ek khwaab-e-bahaaran dekha tha
Kab phool jhare, kab gard udi, kab aaee khizaan maalum nahin

3 comments:

ana said...

Farzana,

It's been a while. *huge hug* And I can relate to quite a bit of what you've written here. And as always, I am envious of how you manage to find an apropos ghazal or gaana.

Khosh raheN, tandrust raheN

love, ana

circle said...

blogR
Very well expressed mystical journey!

Probably for you the most rewarding treasure of a Mystical Journey is self exploration to share the entire experience with your humbled disciples like us which leads you to self consciousness,self awareness, spiritual growth and metaphysics to internal & external understanding, wanting to feel, not just see. Great!

FV said...

Hi ana:

Hug to you too...and about the ghazals etc, they mostly fall from the sky. Hope all's well.

Have fun, my always wish for everyone...

Circle:

Arre, readers do not beocme "humbled disciples" despite all my efforts :-) More seriously, yes, i share the exploration and in doing so I hope to evolve a bit each day. With feedback, the process adds an extra zing. I would really make for rocking ashram-in-charge, even if i say so...