The return...

Last day away from home…

I don’t know what I have left behind. Remnants? Should I reduce myself so? What did they chew on? What could they digest?

I usually like to take a picture of my hotel room just before leaving. I like the wrinkled sheet, the pillows indented with memories of my head and the blanket turned over like a fold…then there are little things I keep around handy – tissues, a torch, and some cardamom/cloves. They soothe dry throats. My mouth feels dry as though all emotions have been wrenched away. This time I did not take that picture. Instead, I took one when I had checked in. It has a cheesy pink canopy over the bed. I pick out a writing pad and write. I slash the page with the pen. It feels good to hold a pen that has the name of the hotel and its address on it. Like somebody else is working on your behalf.

Set the alarm on my mobile phone. It did not ring. Checked to see what had happened. It was for the 10th. This means I would be woken up 24 hours later than I needed to. I may have missed the flight…I smile. Perhaps my day begins tomorrow.

Had slept at 3 am. Was on the phone.

On the way to the airport I got into a foul mood. Got into a spat. At the lounge another telephonic spat. Is it because I thought I was leaving behind something or because I had left behind nothing?

Bought a Givenchy perfume because I liked the bottle. It seemed all right as the shop assistant sprayed it on my hand. But later, I came to hate it. The scent wouldn’t leave. It was too strong, so not me. I washed it off with soap, but it refused to leave.

Some smells are just too powerful, a little whiff and they make their home, even if it is only in a small part of you.

The food tray on the aircraft had some rubbish. I hoped that smell would drown this scent. It did not. There must be something to it, I thought. I touched my lips very lightly to the back of my hand as though I was paying my respects to someone, someone I did not know. Almost miraculously, I felt better.

Is this what they mean when they say one must distance oneself from one’s Self?