30.11.07

A little too much?

At times we want to get that email, that phone call, to hear that music, find that old book...and we do. And someone tells us or we tell ourselves, "Wish we had asked for something else."

Apparently, we assume that the other thing is more important. But, no. Each email, call, song, book has to be relished when it appears. The fact that it has made your wish come true is a small marvel...a marvel called hope, desire, even need.

I do not dismiss these. I work round them, circling their shape, feeling their flavours – inanimate things, ideas – and they are indeed the most important for that moment.

When that pleasant drizzle taps at the window pane, you do not wish for the lakes to be filled with water to last the whole season or for heavy showers. You just enjoy the world through that blurred glass. A storm would shatter it.

It can happen with life too. It does happen...I wonder why then when I ask for so little I get so much more, so much more, so much more...why can I not get that little I need, just enough for my parched throat, enough to keep me warm, enough to keep me cool, enough to bring a smile to my face, enough to stop and breathe?

Why do I get the ocean (and the storm) when I am looking for a river?

29.11.07

A very short conversation - 17

"What are the complaints?" asked the doc.

"Mainly nausea right now."

"Okay, here, let me write out the name of this capsule. It is really good."

"Any side-effects?" I ventured hesitantly.

"No, nothing much. Only some nausea!"

Wat men?

While I am completely besotted by 'my area', the stretch between Chowpatty and Marine Drive is great fun.

I was at the Catholic Gymkhana after ages. I imagined a conversation that might have taken place between one of the regulars and me...Betty spots me and waves out. I make my way towards her table.

"What men, where da hell you are? Went Dubai or wot?"

"No, just been lazy."

"Ah, having fun haan. Gud-gud. Dis weder no, jus terrible. Was telling Rodney yesterday only to put AC in all da rooms, but dat Ambani fellow now wants to save power. Like wot hippocrit. Dey have ten-ten car, full blasting AC, also helicopter and we poor peepals suffer."

"You are not poor."

"Come yaa, for dem I am like chillar only. Poor peepals live in open so deer system used to all dis."

"Did you have problems getting here? The traffic..."

"Donn even ask. One ting is dis stupid old car. Told Rodney to buy new car, he sez no wait we will go to Emrica or sumting. I told him first take me to Panjim den we will talk of Emrica."

"You know the traffic was because..."

"I know, I know. Doze peepal are taking out morcha. Wot use? Bush is not coming to Bombay. And even if he came he would be coming in helicopter and going straight to Taj or Obroy. Deez fools jus want to waste time of poor peepal like us. Anyway for-get all dis politics. Tell me what are you doing dees dez?"

(Friend interjects, "Writing.”)

“You are crazy men. Get life and start using kompitter."

"I am.."

"Gud. You mus go fast with time. Deez days on internet you can find recipes, and for my Maggie I told Rodney der are nice boys. I showed him one foto, he sez boy's name is Orlando Bloom. I told wot is wrong, rose by any name will smell sweet only. He sed no we can't...imagine rejecting boy widout even meeting or talking."

"Ah well.."

"So I tell you kompitter is best ting. For you recipe and boy no use, so you can do shopping."

"I prefer feeling the stuff before I buy it."

"Damn, why you need to have feeling for everiting? Real pucca emoshnal fool. In dis weder who want to go out and buy? You start swetting like pig. Did you try ham sandwich?"

"Er...no.."

"Forgot, you don't eat pork. You must be starving den. No pork, even chicken dangerous. Doze birds also get bledy flu. Instead dey should get diariah and everiting from system will be out."

"It's okay. I can survive on vegetables."

"I know dis place. Dey make wedge kebabs, it look like real ting, I swear."

"It is real thing."

"Ah, I knew der mus be some michif. I must tell Rodney to try...dey surely put lamb in it. He was saying who wants to eat doll and baaji."

"It is...never mind. I must leave."

"Okay, dear. Donn mind my asking, but why Muslims donn like salami?"

"I guess they prefer salaami"

- - -

Had written it when Bush was visiting India a couple of years ago. The language is very Bombay-Catholic, though it may spill over into other areas of the country. Reproducing it here because I think this blog is getting a bit morose these past few days.

27.11.07

Today is D-Day

Why? Just like that. I am quite sure it must be an important date in someone’s life; perhaps a few years ago it might have been important for me too although I cannot recollect.

Today, it isn’t. I am calling it D–Day because everyday several babies are born, people die, they have sex - not the dead ones, the ones who will eventually die, even the ones who are in the process of being conceived; there will be couples getting married…well, it will be single people becoming couples. There will be couples who will be separating, getting divorced.

Murders, rapes, robberies, riots, bomb blasts, abuse will take place.

Someone will get gifts, someone will present gifts, and their wrappers will either be preserved or thrown away.

There will be some who will make money, others will lose money, yet others will not know whether they have lost or not because they don’t keep tabs.

Somewhere in the world eyes will meet, lips will meet, ideas will meet. Keys will be lost, people will be locked in. Or out. Oh, you can’t get locked out? Why? Freedom too is bondage. Imagine having to wave your hands about mimicking a bird in flight. It is tiring, very tiring.

Are you getting bored, dreadfully bored? Here, so today which might have been interesting or nothing has turned out to be a boring day. A boring day in an interesting life stands out. It is, therefore, an important day.

I owe it to myself. I have got to make it a significant day for me as well. It is inching towards noon as I type and AM will become PM. So in these few minutes on a sheet of paper pulled out from my diary I spot a little insect. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what genus it belongs to and whether it has a pedigree. I wish it were posh, maybe royal. It might eat my paper; I imagine it eating the paper, slurping the ink, wiping out every trace of what was a part of me. It just moves, slowly, as though this is its territory. I don’t like it. I take my index finger and position it over the vermin and with a light touch kill it.

No blotches, nothing. I have committed murder. Today has become D-Day. I am a killer. And my page has to pay the price; it has been arrested by a dead insect. Throw it away.

I wonder, though, what died.

Bombs and Nabobs

Maverick: Bombs and Nabobs
by Farzana Versey
The Asian Age, Op-ed, Nov. 27, 2007

Wajid Ali Shah in an angarkha, his one nipple exposed, is a painted image that would have stayed with me. Until I walked into the airport lounge.

A petty government official entered, followed by someone carrying his tiny 11”x17” attaché case. Every few seconds he consulted his golden watch. Two minions sat across him. He ordered some water. A green plastic jug was brought out. He held the glass aloft and deposited some liquid into his mouth, gargled and drank it. Precisely two sips.

One of his lackeys excused himself. Our man waved his hand indicating assent. Then he asked the other chap, “Ooka kaam-dhaam ka hai?” (What does that fellow do?)” Some mumbles later, our Babu seemed satisfied. “Haan idhar-udhar ka!” Suddenly, he lifted up a buttock, let out a swift fart, and tucked one leg under the other in a shaky bucket seat and started to grind some tobacco in his palm.

He had declared his presence, authority and culture in one fell swoop. This is Uttar Pradesh.

The recent bomb blasts outside the civil courts in Lucknow, Varanasi and Faizabad merely give India’s largest state a reason to pontificate.

The Vishwa Hindu Parishad called for a state bandh, its chief Ashok Singhal declaring, “The manner in which terrorists have struck on Friday simply reflects the gross impotence of both the state and the central governments in containing terror.”

It is another matter that the saffron parties had done their cake-walk there in 1993. The reason I am mentioning it is because terrorism expert B Raman informs us, “I believe these blasts have the stamp of jihadi terrorism…These blasts have been carried out just a few days before the 15th anniversary of the Babri Masjid (demolition).”

Apparently, people who know about these things are saying that the main motive was to disturb “communal harmony”. This is indeed gratifying. One thought it might be to make sure that the cases against terrorists going on inside the courts would get some rest. But communal harmony is the only way to get a reaction.

The last time blasts took place at the Sankat Mochan temple I got into trouble for saying I did not see dead bodies and instead saw what looked like a huge boulder in the middle of the Ganges. This was a real past occurrence to underline a metaphor. How did it end up in the river, was it a natural formation?

Nahin, nahin,” the boatmen had laughed. “Murdaa hai…” It was the bloated carcass of an animal.

The meaning of mortality rose as smoke from distant pyres. Corpses lay waiting to be cremated. Sometimes relatives of those who could not afford it or just could not wait threw the bodies in the river. They turned blue and unrecognisable.

Yeh to roz ki baat hai,” I was told.

Outside the area of the ghats too this has become a regular occurrence; the only difference is that it has politics riding on its waves.

Since such democracy has led to blatant openness even the common man knows what is happening. Maqbool Hussein, a tourist guide, with his knowledge of history, would have been able to put feudalism in its proper perspective. “You don’t know much about Wajid Ali Shah except for the British propaganda against him. True Lucknavis revere him because for every prayer he missed, he laid a stone which would build an edifice.”

The nawaabs are dead. Feudalism is alive. Bureaucrats are made to sit on the floor. Even peons desirous of getting a job in the money-raking excise department have had to cough up thousands of rupees; for higher IAS postings the rates could go beyond Rs. 10 lakh.

No one can miss the smiling face of Mayawati. Huge colour hoardings show her as fair with a pink blush on her prosperously plump cheeks.

Illusion is more than the name of the chief minister. The UP culture wallows in ignorance and delusion.

The hookah, Lucknow’s very own symbol of refinement, looks lost as its soft, snaky pipe comes in the most garish shades of pink, green and turquoise. The delicate chikan embroidery has to jostle for attention with synthetic garbs flowing sensuously. The Urdu zubaan has been out-talked not only by cuss words in Hindi but also Haryanvi. The galauti kebabs meant for toothless nawaabs now cater to the sharp incisors of those with more plebeian hungers.

As Mayawati had observed several years ago, “Bahujan Party ke andar satta ki bhookh jagne ki zaroorat hai.

That hunger for power has been satiated. What external factors can be blamed when in the busy chowk area shops selling sweets are outnumbered by those offering guns? There are illicit factories manufacturing cartridges. How many of these get arrested? Anyone can get ammunition by talking about “safety of life and property”. ‘Jihadi terrorism’ as a blanket term is a bit facetious when you think about what the Advani-Sadhvi Rithambara-Kalyan Singh caucus managed to do. The totem ‘Maulana’ type politicians were no better.

If the party official at the beginning of the column represented in a nutshell all that is UP, then today it is merely a playground for power politics of the worst kind.

A more eloquent summation would be difficult to find for a place that has a granite past, a Statue of Liberty wannabe Udyan for its future and rotates its present on a fragile axis.


23.11.07

The leftover rose: Kal ka gulab















Kal ka gulab

Woh gulab ka chehra ab kyon itna be-rang lagta hai
Jaise bistar par lete hue kisine masal diya
Kitne honthon ne usey choom liya hoga
Kitne haathon ne usey chhoo liya hoga
Khushboo phailee hogee kis-kis ki zulfon mein
Shabnam khilee hogi kitne palkon mein

Jab aaya tha mere ghar par
Lagta to naya tha
Eik pakeezgi thi uski nazar mein
Eik muqaddas jazbaat tha
Halki si muskurahat se maine usey apnaya
Apne hi aaghosh mein sulaaya

Seh’r hote hi woh ghayab tha
Hansee ki awaaz aayi guldaan se
Jo paani maine pilaya tha
Usko hi thook diya meri zameen pe
Uske chehre par ungliyon ke nishan dikhne lage
Ab yakeen hua ki woh to bohat puraana tha

Purane makaanon mein jaise paththaron ki goonj sunaayi deti hai
Iss gulab se bhi lafzon ki khatkhatahat aane lagee
Agar todna mumkin tha to mera darwaaza bhi toot jaata
Magar maine hi to khol kar usey mehman bana diya
Qadmon par aakar gir pada tha
Maasoom lawaaris ki tarah meri aankon ko dhoondh raha tha

Mujhe laga ke usey panaah chahiye
Meri nigaah se kuchch raushni chahiye
Magar usko to apni kahani sunani thi
Mujhe apni ruswaai yaad dilani thi
Gulabon se baatein karna koi asaan kaam nahin
Phir bhi maine poochch liya kyon aaya tha mere paas

Usne apne paaon uthaye aur kuchal diya har ehsaas
Phir haath badha kar sahara dene laga
Hans ke maine keh diya ki door se hi khushboo ko mehsoos kijiye
Agar kuchch chubhega to khud ka khoon dijiye
Aapne phoolon se itni pehchan karva di hai jab
Kaanton ki zubaan achhi tarah samajhne lage hai ab


~FV

The image: Another of my small attempts at photo-art.

Sanjay brings Gandhi alive!

ALLAHABAD: Bollywood star Sanjay Dutt may be in jail in the 1993 Mumbai bombings case, but a Gandhian institution here has decided to honour him for promoting the Mahatma's ideals through his role in Lage Raho Munnabhai.

Damn. You know when we write anything that questions the judgement against Sanjay or the tone of it, then we get termed jihadis. Now, 93-year-old freedom fighter Mewa Lal Gupta, head of the Gandhi Vichar Andolan, will honour the actor at Yerawada Jail for his “unparalleled contribution” to promote Gandhian values.

Said the gentleman, "We have taken note of the fact that what the entire nation could not do in independent India has been achieved by Sanjay Dutt through his role as Munna Bhai. The extent to which the message of Mahatma Gandhi could be spread through the film was incredible. I am really impressed by the overwhelming impact the film made on the minds of common people."

I am sick of the film, sick of Gandhian values and sick of how we are becoming a nation of sycophants of some philosophy we rarely practise and know precious little about.

The common man or woman only knows that this character called Munna Bhai talks to the spirit of Gandhiji and instead of using violence tries to win over people. However, there is this rather telling scene when someone keeps slapping him, then Sanjay’s Munna hits him back and tells his buddy Circuit that Gandhi has said if someone slaps you on one cheek offer him the other, but he hadn’t told them what to do when someone hits you on both.

That is the essence of the farce: A limited understanding.

21.11.07

If it ain't me, babe, then it ain't anyone...

I got this gorgeous Thanksgiving e- card. It was addressed to “My dearest adorable F!” Feels good, even though I know it is a lie. It is a lie because I sent it to myself. I do that. One cannot wait for others to do something for you.

What would I want to be grateful to myself for? I would say:

Thank you for sitting on a high horse, but that makes me realise you can ride…for walking with your nose in the air, so I can see its sharp contours more clearly…for not asking people to come to you because if they cannot see you they never will…for getting the hell out so that they can sleep well…for not feeling the compulsion for nice gestures because you have internalised every feeling…for the laughter, clear as crisp air, and the tears that drop on parched earth…for learning to walk the razor’s edge and enjoying the trail of blood…for touching me in places no one knows about…for leaving parts untouched so that there is something always to discover…for seeing yourself in the cracked mirror for you know where the distortion lies…for not aging but growing up everyday, even if it is in the wild!…for still looking wide-eyed at the sky…for writing things that just ‘hit you’…for leaving always with a spring in your stride for you do not wish to touch the earth…for entering my being and making a home in my life…for living with me always and promising to die together…for the self-obsession that makes you look deep…for finding your way in the dark…for learning to light up your own life…for building a home with matchsticks…for running your finger through flames…for sounding like a Hallmark card now but not trying to cash in on it!

Some of you may think this is crazy. It probably isn’t a sane thing to do.

Since I am talking, here… I also record voice messages for myself, mostly songs…and when I listen to them, although I know where they emanate from, they feel different. Like something superimposed on me or something wrenched away.

- - -

No words of thanks for others?

Those who came and waited
I hope you did not get tainted
By the dark shades
The sharp blades
But then this place wasn’t meant to get sainted

Those who left for good
I still think it was a swing of mood
Though you took the right decision
To avoid the friction
And chose abstinence over food

To those who might later enter
And circle around to find the centre

This is what life is about
A li’l bit of in and a li’l bit of out
For that you don't need a mentor

Leave your past at the door, please

“I am what I am because of my Past.”

This is the worst possible indictment of the Present and an insult to any possible Future. But this is what most people will say. I read it in interviews, I listen to men and women mention it.

What is the past? Events? Accidents? Things we do? Things that others do to us? People who become a part of our lives? People who go away?

There is no need to flash baggage to show that one has travelled. Nostalgia isn’t a herd instinct, unless you are remembering the Holocaust or the Partition. It is an intensely private aspect. A past that comes and sits on your head is not the past; ghosts are not the past – they are dead people rising from the grave to return.

Am I strong to not let these ghosts storm into my life? I don’t know. There is no deceit here. Honesty is how truthful you are to a particular thing at a given point in time, not about how bits and pieces are strewn about and displayed on the mantelpiece.

“That too is me,” say some. If it is you, then that is all you are. If it was you, then you better update and upgrade yourself.

They will say, “Hey, whenever you need anything let me know.”

Why is it that when you really need people they are not there and as they wave goodbye they are offering themselves like some insurance policy scheme?

I had made up my mind long ago. If I wanted to respect my life, myself and whatever it had to offer me, I would not turn back. I wanted nothing for my now because I had got nothing from then. When something is over, it amounts to nothing. That is what attics and basements are for. It is time we stop putting up this façade of, “It used to be wonderful” and “You cannot just forget like that.” Heck, I remember the graveyard. In what manner am I because of what it is? Only because we will all die does not mean we treat all lives in a similar manner.

Yesterday morning started with tears. Full 57 minutes. I know. I paid for it! Okay, I am smiling now. That is the point. Yesterday’s crying is gone. Today, I am new. I am getting fresh with myself.

No past has made me what I am. Otherwise I will have to go to my mother’s womb and say, “Knock, Knock, can I have some amino fluids, please?” Then I will take it and bottle it and break the earthshaking news to you, “Here, this is where I come from.”

And you will see me curled up like a foetus, my features indistinguishable from any little beast’s, my lips pouting like a goldfish. My past? It is called gestation. A physical dimension. I made myself. My mother dressed me up, but the clothes fitted me. I learned to read and write in school but the words I spoke were mine. I tried to grasp the thoughts of others, but I formulated my own ideas. I live in a society, but I don’t have to toe its every norm.

I have trash in my bin; it is a part of me. My peeled fruits and veggies, my leftovers. That is why they are there and not on my table.

When I had started on my writing career, I recall one article where I had said that anything even a day old is stale. The editor had looked at me surprised. I was known to be a sentimental type. I am – about today.

If I were Gabbar Singh, I would say, “Thakur, mujhe tumhara aaj de do.” Give me your today.

Halloween is over. Time to remove yesterday’s mask and pumpkin face. Let’s talk turkey now and wait for tomorrow’s sunrise take a bow.

Ouch…treacle? I like it sticky. The dark brown mousse is too soft, so I get the lemon tart, take out the yellow, except a dollop at the bottom, and top it with the chocolate scoop. I pop the cherry in my mouth and then bite into this mix. Lovely. The flavours have meshed. My instinct and tastes are just fine. It isn’t – and I am not – a purist’s delight.

Epicure that I am, I may like old cheese but spare me the fungus please.

19.11.07

The emotional pin-up

Open the centrefold
Can you see that white chiffon
Playing with my limbs
Curled like a serpent
Between my furrowed brow
My hair
Tousled with fake wind
Widens my eyes
As you harden yours
Into a frozen stare
Icicles fall
And create a rivulet down your cheek
You stiffen your fists
And punch the air
Your heart pounds
Something stirs within
You hold yourself and scream
A stream forms at your feet
You touch it
And spread it on the page
I am pregnant with your rage

Requiem to the unborn

When you look at him, he seems to have dramatised his life in such a manner that he is looking for a grand finale to it. Nothing else, or less, will do.

He has heard about love and it has locked itself deep in his memory. He knows about lust, but that is not what he wants from her. He wants a something that has no name, no form, and no future. And even if she does not admit it, he makes her feel good about herself because he seems to want nothing except her presence.

If she is vulnerable and willing too, one is perfectly aware that despite all her charms and guarded coquetry, what he really wants to do is penetrate her mind. When he gropes, the dribble of words spilling all over, and she is down on her knees, barking out in agony at herself, at others, she is no more just another woman seeking solace in a strange man, her arrogance only permitting anonymous assurances. She becomes a heroine, of a Greek tragedy, no less.

And what about him? Spewing sonnets and edicts, he is as much clay on a potter’s wheel. That man who is following her is not chasing her, but an evanescent dream. He is looking for the self he lost somewhere along the way. And when he finds her, he knows he cannot have her, he might not even want her the way we imagine; what he is thinking about is the life he could have lived. Should have lived.

When he does take her, resistance gives way to release.

Yes, she is bruised, but hold back the balm. The pain has pierced the flesh. What’s the point merely repairing the skin?

At the end of it all is the dark menace of futility being unable to prevent that glimmer of light from penetrating through its transparent wings.

- - -

"zindagi yoon bhi guzar hi jaati
kyon tera raahguzar yaad aaya"

- Mirza Ghalib

- - -

The above are fragments of my take on a play. I forget its name. It is a time for forgetting...

The image: Just reworked it; it goes with the idea of death before birth.


18.11.07

The shelf life of souvenirs

It irritates me sometimes when I collect souvenirs. Most of them are opened in the flush of excitement upon returning from a journey and then put back. They get lost in the crowd. The few that have my attention find a place on shelves, in nooks and crannies, on walls. What is their shelf life?

Why do I want somebody else’s history when I try valiantly to brush off mine?

Tomorrow, instead of a miniature Eiffel Tower, one ‘lucky’ sod who has anything between $29,000 and $44,000 to bid, can claim a section of its winding staircase at an auction in Paris. This had been dismantled when they built a lift. I think the Eiffel Tower is a monstrosity. I wish I had done what other tourists do – stood outside and just got myself clicked. Now I have some stupid pictures taken from ‘up there’; it could be a viewing gallery in Ooty, for all I care. And yes, I bought a few key rings and one of those brass little mementoes of the monument. I used it as a paper weight till I realised my paper carried more weight.

Of course, there are souvenirs that make me feel good. Pebbles and shells I pick up on sandy beaches, leaves and flowers that get pressed between the pages of books, receipts on which I have scrawled words or doodled, hotel stationery where I have written down numbers that I may never need again…and as I type this there is a small battery-operated fan in silver-grey and black.

I had bought it at a mall in London when it had got unusually warm. The first thing I did on returning to my room was to get it out of its wrapping; its wings were so light and delicate. As always I fidgeted with them, turned them far back to see how far they'd go before snapping. They didn’t. I liked that. There was the dread that if I started it something would go wrong. I had left the windows open. A gust of wind blew. There was a sudden chill in the air. The weather had changed. It was sultry no more. My fan had become redundant.

Today, it stands on my table, a tiny redundancy as the large table fan whirrs. I occasionally hold it in my hand, switch the power on and as the wings turn at rapid speed, its three petals merge. I close my eyes and feel the breeze.

It wasn’t meant to be a souvenir. It has no history. It has no value. It cost precious little. The colour is sleek and trendy, no sepia-toned delight. And it had been useless and did not serve the purpose it was bought for. Yet, it is with me, sometimes bringing a smile to my face and, if I don’t want to use a tissue, it even dries tears.

What I like best about it is that it won’t ever become a memory to torment me.

17.11.07

La-la-land

Despite having travelled overseas quite extensively, I find some American aspects truly hard to digest.

You enter a restaurant and just when you are half-way through the humongous portions, or merely pausing for breath or to contemplate your fingernails, you will hear a rather chirpy voice asking you, “Are you done?” When your eyes meet his or hers, there will be another salvo, “You still workin’ on it?”

Done? Working on it? I am surprised they don’t tell you, “Righto, enjoy masticating!”

Jaahils! This is food. This is ‘peit puja’. Only we understand the sheer devotion towards a culinary experience. Mind you, I am not talking about some fast-food joint. These were proper places.

At one, the girl waiting tables wore her cap backwards. It was a sushi bar, for god’s sake.

At a restaurant in the genteel Los Gatos, there was a cocktail named Tsunami Relief…Malibu Rum, hypnotiq, pineapple juice. Talk of insensitivity.

A ‘tall’ coffee is a small one. Why? Nobody knows.

If someone asks you, “So, how you doin; today?” you just cannot respond with a tepid, “Fine, thanks.” You have to sound like you have returned from a massage parlour…”Grrreeeaaatt…”

And then there is the other exclamation, more like punctuations.

“Hi there. What can I do fer ya?”

“I need a …”

“Un huh..”

“The names of a few home delivery places…

“Un-huh…”

“So, do you have them?”

“Un huh, jussamoment... Un huh, hey-you-ah”

Names are rattled off.

“Thanks…”

“Un huh…”

“I’ll call them now…”

“Aaan haanh!”

Finally, a climax is reached.

Dis n dat

Someone sent me a link to some excerpts of an interview of ‘Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi’ in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. It is a known fact that most interviewers don’t bother to counter-question. After reading those bits, I don’t think “The lady's like a sailor!” She is just vocabulary-ly challenged.

Here are some of her replies. There are a few counter-queries I would pose, if I were the one conducting the interview.

PL: On the Top Chef Emmy nomination: "[It] was a big fucking deal.”

Me: Erm…was that the deal?

PL: On life without her ex-husband, Salman Rushdie: "I'm really fucking sad."

Me: Bad for the guy you are with. It means you are sorrowful while at it, right?

PL: On her new cookbook: "Finishing the fucking book was like being in labor for two years!”

Me: Shouldn’t you have worn a condom?

PL: On hosting dinner party: "I pulled this out of my ass."

Me: Is that why the guests called it shit?

PL: On an AIDS charity she supports: "…we’re doing a campaign and an event and you should buy a fucking table.”

Me: Are you trying to say if you do it on the table, then you ain’t get no AIDS, but AIDS gets aid?

PL: On telling the press if she had a boyfriend: "My husband would call fucking Reuters."

Me: So, everytime you and Salman were at it, he said “Let’s Reuters”?

PL: On a tabloid's coverage of her bra size: "…they said it was 36C. I said, 34C, motherfucker!”

Me: Does it not mean that mamma-obsessed tabloid fellows like it bigger?

PL: On her current living situation: "Now I’m staying in a fucking hotel with all my shit in storage."

Me: Are you saying you live like a stowaway in your own room?

- - -

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt plan to buy an Ethiopia-shaped house in Dubai. For those who don’t know, these are private islands with an exclusive beach and strip of sea where you can live in ultimate luxury. The mansion and surroundings will have the concept of particular country. Many Hollywood biggies have already bought such homes. I find the Jolie-Pitt move insensitive.

This is like making a spectacle of a country that has suffered politically, economically and socially. What is the point adopting children when you are going to treat this as some farce? Ooh, we will take Ethiopia so baby Zahara can romp in the silken sands and we can sun-bathe?

- - - -

End Quote

“ Philanthropy seems to me to have become simply the refuge of people who wish to annoy their fellow-creatures.”

- Oscar Wilde

16.11.07

My brush with fillums

Today I thought about her as I watched Om Shanti Om. It is a flawed film, of course, but I loved it. I loved it that there are genuine touching moments where Shahrukh Khan plays the junior artiste.

Anyone who has enjoyed Hindi films and fillums will not be left untouched by those quaint references. When Om mimics a South Indian actor to draw the heroine’s attention, he does it in a manner that is tragi-comic. The exaggerated gestures and dialogue delivery, the garish clothes, the dark glasses…

I felt like Shantipriya, as I had done as a child who had been on the verge of becoming a child star. Or so I thought. One uncle said, “Achcha, filmon mein kaam karogi?” (Will you act in films?) I said, yes. Anything to escape Miss Iyer and school. What I did not realise is they were not serious. Like a fool, next day on the way to school on the bus, I told Kashmira, a Parsi girl who was not a friend just my bus companion, that I had a secret to tell her. “I am going to be a film star. I will have to stop travelling by bus.”

At the time I used to spend a lot of time at a particular actress’s house. She was a family friend. She adored me and I can still smell the biryani being cooked and her mother sitting with a paan-daan and the khuch-khuch sound of the supari being cut. I would wait expectantly to see if Amma would give me some and she would pass a few shavings, saying, “Daant kharab ho jaayenge (your teeth will get ruined),” as her lips turned red and she spoke from one side of her mouth. Later, she would urge, “Tau bete kuchch shairi sunao (So now recite some poetry). I thought I was a poet since I began speaking. On my uncle’s office table I would sit and extending my hand chain words together. They called it “gadhapuri shairi”. At Aunty’s house there would be laughter and voices saying, “Wah, wah, kya baat hai.

Then, Aunty would take me close to her and I could feel the warmth of her smile. I knew she was a film star but it did not strike me as important. She had never been in the absolute big league and was on her way out. I remember her so vividly because there are wedding pictures of the family and the striking difference of one in which I am sitting in her lap and she is feeding me ice-cream with a later picture where she is with her head covered, a married woman, a producer’s wife.

Now when I look back, she was not pretty in the simpering way. She had distinctive features and wasn’t terribly fair. I think she ached for a family and that was where I came in. I remember Amma’s hookah and the sound it made and how I would want to blow into it. Once when I tried, I heard her stern voice, “Bachchee, door raho…(Stay away)” Then she sat down opposite me. I gave her an angry look.

Apni badee-badee aankhein apne paas rakho! (Keep your big eyes with you)”

I would probably put up a tantrum and she would tickle me. “Gudgudee hoti hai!” and I would run with her trying to chase me. They had this old marble top table. I forget the number of times I must have hit my head against it.

She would bring out lots of mithai. I was too shy, so I would break a piece. “Yeh toota hua tukda kaun khayega? (Who will eat this broken piece?)” I would happily finish it off and since she was not very particular about manners crumbs falling on my clothes did not bother her.

She kept in touch although her daughter had begun leading a caged life.

Years later I was at a beachside café in Goa. It was breakfast time and I was biting into a hard bread as steam from the tea curled in the air. It was a place where we sat anyway we wished. My legs were crossed on the bench. As I was munching I saw this guy at the table across giving me a wicked smile. My mouth was full. After I was done – no one can interrupt my communion with food – I walked up to him. I had recognised him from the pictures. “You are X’s son, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” It was a known fact, so no surprises.

“Well, I have sat in your mother’s lap before the thought of creating you even occurred to her,” I told him.

He laughed. I wanted to reach out and ruffle his hair. I saw him looking at my T-shirt. There were a few brown specks of bread. I brushed them away and as they fell into the sand I thought about Amma.

And the mithai crumbs on my ‘frock’.

Om Shanti Om took me back and forth, and that is the magic of films and life.

15.11.07

A fate is never sealed...

...but the 'fateless' seal themselves


San Jose
. This time of the year. I took a risk. Only I know and perhaps a couple of others do as to what happened…am reproducing some fragments already published from the time there.

That day: I watched the screen as the teal-colour made the announcement that would ‘toast’ me as editor (life and words are a double-edged sword).

* * *

So, how was the blueprint? No art director, no whiz kids. I had a blank sheet of paper on which I drew the page layout. There was no scale, so ‘andaaze se’ I made the lines. This was late at night. Next day, we worked with it, tweaked some. The week after another sheet of paper, this time I used the writing pad edge to draw straight lines.

You might wonder: Hah, does this even sound professional?

I ask you: What is professional? That you wear formal clothes, sit in a swivel chair, look important, and throw around management jargon?

Every single day is a management marvel. If there were new ways of making the site user-friendly and working over the minutiae in California, in Mumbai it meant going through a backlog of almost 400 articles. I was not ready to give up the ghosts for in them I perhaps saw the flicker of some resurrected life. I had to email reminders about deadlines (ah, yeh tau kabhi nahin hota tha). I had to woo, for I believe that some people are worth it. I had not given up on that one big writer, I had not given up on that cricket article, or that stuff on Bollywood. For…I love the pitter-patter of tiny steps as they leave their mark merely with their sound.

It takes a formation of clouds to bring about rain.

* * *

We went to ‘Chaat Cafe’ for a quick and quiet celebration. As we were walking out, a little girl picked up a leaf from the ground and gave it to me.

“Is this a gift?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

It was as large as a fan and had thick veins running though it. And dry though it was, it smelled like fresh moss. I did not miss the green grass anymore.

On the drive to my temporary abode, I confessed to a strange fright: “I am afraid because I am not feeling nervous.”

I am an edge-of-the-seat, whimsical person, so this tranquillity was unnerving me.

Analysing the reason I found that we were prepared for the reactions. Those who had been sent emails gave us a glimpse into that. 99 per cent were supportive and this is not a feel-good exaggeration, for it would not affect us either way. Even if we extended the one per cent to five for online interactors, we have to tell you that the responses were so in sync with what we expected.

* * *

In the first week itself we found an amazing dam burst. I could only say, thank you. Thank you for spending time on messenger making me into a discussion topic; for the petitions, for the ratings, for blogs (some spreading the most vicious lies even as they sent us congratulatory emails!), for sending in pieces despite questioning my presence.

I did not counteract the rumour flying machines simply because I realised how pathetically devoid of class these people were and how much time they had on their hands that they could spend time over other people’s trifles and give it legitimacy when they knew diddly squat. This group included women who were concerned about how they were treated…I wonder then why they participated in somebody else’s delusions. Now I don’t wonder why…when you don’t have a life, you do end up living on borrowed lives. One day they will realise the interest they have to pay on it will far exceed their borrowings.

In my third Edit this is what I said:

In my very small way, I believe true success happens when you create a mechanism so good that you yourself become redundant. If one thinks like that, then there will always be a sense of deep contentment where you do not need to fight wanton straw arrows. The true seekers always find something. Even in the cinder, there is bound to be a burning piece of coal.

I have moved on instead of getting fossilised; the rest who questioned me, my presence, my credentials, are stuck…and no one can point out a single contribution they have made or are making there.

“Nahin aati ab awaaz-e-jaras bhi
Gubaar-e-kaaravaan hai aur main hoon”

- Josh Malihabadi

I want to feel wanted

I have often put up feedback I receive, many times either superficial ones or negative ones. Today, I want to feel good. Today, I wish to appreciate the appreciation I have received. There are a few young people who want to know how they can become a part of community projects after reading the latest column. This is just one example and it matters because I have always wondered where the words really ‘reach’.

On Lakshmi

(I don’t know how many clicks it must have taken this person to write to me, but he did. For, to him reaching out to a stranger who had said something that mattered meant a whole lot.)

Mam,

Your article in Deccan Chronicle dt.13 nov was really enlighting. I dont really understand how many would have given their heart and head to it. I, for one, am definately moved by the article, not for the reasons that i am phy. challanged but for the reasons how the world exploits the under previlaged.The Media has a tabloid to increase the TRP and the Doctors their mailage and the money flows, despite claiming that the operation was done for free.It is for the govt. to devolope infracture for the challenged so that their mobility is not restricted by having proper railings and ramps.

It was such a RESPONSIBLE ARTICLE published by u.

S

VIZAG Dt

Reply

Thank you. Let me assure you there are several people who do think about these things, but are helpless. Helpless because of bureaucratic hurdles, helpless because these are not seen as 'big issues', helpless because without organisational support nothing much can be done. And those who can are not interested.

Mine is merely a voice, but if it has made even a fraction of a difference to anyone, then I am the one who will be seeking to be enlightened even more.

Appreciate your words and spiritedness.

And then on this little place

(Heavily edited because it is much too flattering…)

After getting to know your blog, all I did was to read everything possible out there. I still cant believe that my radar was so weak as to not have captured you.

Farzana...I always knew you are brave, but let me add that you are honest, rational and very intense and sensitive...

And when a maniac insults you its hurting, deeply hurting believe me. I suggest that you keep filth away. Believe me the experience of being on your blog now is tranquillising.

Reply

I have only deleted comments where others were mentioned. The earlier ones will stay to make a point.

I suppose that is a small price to pay for being 'tranquilising'!

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