It was involuntary. It happened for no reason. The good thing about crying in the shower is that the tears do not even deign to stain your cheeks. All that sorrow gone to waste, leaving no trail marks.
At that point when I realised the sound of sobbing too was hushed by the pitter-patter of water, I felt utterly useless. It was much like flailing your hands in the dark.
I wiped myself with a towel and left my face untouched, as though the salinity would drop to my lips and let me drink it. Perhaps then I would understand the reason.
“Why me?” is now a redundant question.
How many times have I had to utter these very words? When some people come into my life and when some others go away.
I know I cannot stop people from leaving, but how do people come in and share my closed world?
I have shut myself.
“Why?” I was asked.
“Because I am afraid…of losing…”
I always thought I was afraid of losing others; I realise now that I am afraid of losing a part of me that goes away with them.
This applies to any kind of love. Those you love and those who love you.
How easily we forget the latter. We become self-obsessed that we love this, we love that. What about those who love us? Who give us even a moment of their lives?
Yes, they go away sometimes. They may want to, they may have to, they may be forced to.
I feel that in their going away, I have often been spared the charity of a love that once was or just could have been.
I even love those exit points for they have subconsciously given me the ability to give much more than to ask.
I have broken a few ‘fortresses’, but that was never the aim. If it were, then I would not be sitting on the rubble looking for those pieces of glass to show me my own face framed on someone’s memory wall.
- - -
If this sounds familiar, it is....