I stopped counting the days. One fell into the other like postcards in letter boxes…postcards with inadequate stamps and hazy addresses and names.
Forget intellectually stimulating activity, I went blank. We all know things happen, but when they do, punch you in the face, knock you down, you are left reeling for only a brief while. Then you realise that nothing hurts. Nothing. Pain is another word you swab the floor with so that you can lie down.
One needs to lie down. I have been doing that. Tried different positions, only to be jolted out and up on my feet. Feet as heavy as lead, tied with chains to a ground not my own.
If it had been about me, I might have spoken more; this is all very cryptic because it isn’t about me. One day when my thoughts stay the course and unfreeze, I will be able to write about it.
I have been learning about life from another life.
I have never felt this helpless before or this strong. How can the two co-exist? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things I thought I knew.
For two weeks I haven’t written. I tried one day…but as I said that day toppled over and took with it whatever it had.
For two weeks I haven't cried. This is the time for me to cry, but the tears are playing truant. I wanted to poke my fingers in my eyes; I wanted to chop onions; I wanted to use glycerine; I wanted to draw blood; I wanted to touch inside my heart and slap my arteries and tug at my veins; I wanted to…but I have been turned into a robot. Every movement is now designed for action, specific action. I go wrong and things can fall. These are times of a house of cards. I wonder if people gamble with this.
Today, late afternoon, as I sipped my masala tea, I found words crawling like insects in my brain. First came the poems, little verses, disjointed…then other sentences formed…
I am here now with chipped nails and a thumb that has a deep cut caused while stripping the strip of medicine. I smile now and think: was it an anti-coagulant doing its job with too much fervour?
One thing is certain. What has congealed is not just blood.