Open Letter to the RSS Chief

Dear Mohan Bhagwatji:

Pranam! I would like to thank you for including Muslims in the warm embrace of Hinduism, but for me personally it is just one more religious burden to carry around. However, aap ne itne pyaar se kahaa hai tau hum na nahin kar sakte.

These are your words:

“India is a country of Hindus. Even Muslims and Christians are also Hindus as they have inherited the Hindu culture. They, too, have roots in Hinduism.”

Now, let us get some technicalities out of the way so we can play Muslim-Hindu doctor-doctor. Most of those who converted were from the backward castes, therefore I would like to know to what extent you include the present-day Dalits in your fold. They too are Hindus. They still have a problem entering temples. The reason I am asking you is to get the ground cleared before we go ahead and start this business of being a nation of Hindus; we must also learn who to leave out.

Other technical details are there, too.

Qawwalis have, unfortunately, not been inspired by bhajans but from Persia. If my research is okay, then bhajans really took off during the Bhakti Movement and the qawwali precedes it by at least five centuries. It is possible that the later Sufis quietly plagiarised the new bhajans by sneaking in behind trees and watching Surdas and Tulsidas singing their hearts out and said, “Wah…taaliyaan”…I guess that is why the qawwalis of today have so much clapping. It could also be mimicking the clash of cymbals at bhajan mandalis.

I am learning new history lessons from you.

I do not know the reactions of Madani and the rest, but you can now go about educating the aam junta that fatwas are a Hindu concept and not a Saudi one. After all, sati, Devdasis, child marriage are all decided by a group of individuals against the wishes of the person being persecuted/forced into situations they may not want. It is binding on them despite the legal system.

I agree with you that placing chaadars on tombs at dargahs does amount to a form of idol worship, so we are on the same page here.

Now turn the page. The Indian Mujahideen, SIMI, Deoband, Jamaat-e-Islami Hind will all be considered Hindu. Madrassas will be Hindu and, since according to the religion there is no one book to follow, these fellows must be simply seen as learning from a different one. So easy, na? And what happened in Mumbai and in Gujarat and in Malegaon and everywhere else is just Hindus killing Hindus. Right? Would we use the Pandava-Kaurava analogy here?

I would also like to know how you plan to deal with M.F.Husain who desecrates Hindu gods. He must be seen as doing so to his own gods. Should the punishment then be any different? You must understand that we have sent a Hindu brother off in exile to a Muslim country. It does not do well for our image.

So, you will want to know: what do we do about the Babri Masjid? Why do you need to ask? Just let the Muslims in India who are now Hindu do what they feel like with it. After all, they made those sandals (padukas) for years, and those who help you cover the distance are the true bhakts. Ram lalla will not mind. I am sure of that because I got the message from a farishta. Oops, old habits die hard.

To be honest, I am rather excited. When I say anything against Baba Ramdev, it will be seen as merely ticking of my own. If you put some Mussalman boy behind bars thinking he is a terrorist, then you will be only helping your own bachcha reform. It is like putting children in hostels.

As with all families, there will have to be give and take. I would like Uma Bharti to cover her head and face, which Hindus call ghoonghat, and I don’t mind donning that saffron kaftan at all. Unless you prefer us in bermudas.

Now, all you have to do is ask me nicely and start a movement to change the Constitution of India. Because the judiciary has different ideas.

In principle, if you accept responsibility and think Muslims and Christians and other minorities have the same rights – and not just duties – as Hindus then we are on.

Imagine, you will be halal.

Aapki aadarniya…