Why can't Muslims keep it in?

If Sunnis, Shias, Ahmadis, Bohras, Ismailis or whoever wish to hold a gathering about their religion, then it ought to be restricted to those who belong to the faith. Why did the Sunni-Dawate-Islami have its annual convention under media glare? This is like permitting someone to enter your bedroom; there are bound to be intimate details that no one else should know because no one else is a part of it.

This was about how the faith ought to be practised, and while the media did mention that they discussed climate change, there was an element of “whoa, they know ‘bout it, eh?”. Of course, references were made about “appropriate dress”, “right colour to dye the beard” (henna orange, if you missed it and are dying to know) and how women can contribute because they keep the family in shape (so do gyms). Here is one such gem from a report:

Queries reflected the dilemma most followers faced in attempting to adapt principles of Islamic living with contemporary conveniences and ideas. On Sunday evening, one man wanted to know whether Islamic principles allow a follower to run a television repair service. He was told that while fixing damaged television sets was halal (permissible), watching a programme with inappropriate content was not.

Got it? Among three lakh people a handful would have been concerned, and if they are truly religious they can get the information from the local mosque’s maulvi or stores selling religious books/CDs. This was a stupid little effort and I won’t be surprised if some special queries were put in to cater to the salivating media. Or asked by a media person faking it?

Most religions, if seen in their original form, go against contemporary living, whatever the heck that is. Your contemporary living is different from mine. Such reports make it seem as though everyone is living one way of life and these Sunni bros are kind of really fumbling in their ankle-length pyjamas and saffron beards (haw) wondering how to do it right.

Boy, all my TV repairwallahs have been clean-shaven Sunnis (ok, one Sindhi too) and managed to only damage the set even more. I guess they thought they had to butcher it before repairing it.

Happy?

This meet reminded me of another one which I had attended. It was at a hall organised by some secular Muslim organisation and had speakers from “different walks of life”. I did not walk there, but was quite tickled that the cameras were focussing on me. I was suitably embarrassed at my magnetism and kept turning my face away. You don’t believe it? You are right. The reason was that, clad in pristine white with my head uncovered and a real sharp looking object in my hand –a pen, I had behind me and in front of me only black veils. It was sheer co-incidence, but can you imagine how thrilled the photographer must have been?

My own excitement lasted until the break after which I made a quick exit to do a few haraam things.

Zakir Naik and my white kameez

There were big ads in the newspapers, hoardings on billboards. A bearded scrawny man was to give a lecture on Islam and something or the other. I was in Chennai and had nothing to do that evening. I was also interested in the something or the other.

None of the people I asked to join me was keen; finally, a strapping Iranian teen agreed to take me along.

There was one problem. Clothes. I had nothing ‘decent’ to wear. There was no way I was going shopping for this man. Finally, rummaging through the suitcase, at the bottom of it I found one white salwaar kameez and lace dupatta. I think I had been told before I left Mumbai that there may be some function where one might dress up a bit. Ah well, I decided this was the occasion.

My young friend arrived. I went out and he started his motorcycle. I was overjoyed and instead of sitting ladylike, I climbed astride as I would on a horse. We reached the venue and he screeched to a halt. Several mouths opened, eyes went wide. I adjusted my dupatta, which I had wrapped round my waist and tried as demurely as possible to ‘unbike’ myself. If I lifted my right leg, there were people; on the left there were people. So I slid backwards and did something which might make an acrobat proud. Y went to park and as I waited a group of women with scarves and veils approached me to “please come inside, sister”. A gentleman wanted details. “Sister, here, write down address”.

When Y returned, they asked us to go through separate entrances – ladies and gents, like we were queuing up for the loo. I said I wanted to sit with my friend. They looked at me, shocked. Y was a teenager but he was tall and well-built; he even had a stubble.

Seeing that I was determined, they let me sit with him; they were more concerned about the other men and if they’d be uncomfortable. I turned to those in that particular section and asked if they were okay with me. They nodded their heads.

Then Zakir Naik came on stage and there was loud applause. He sat with a few people, including some “foreign dignitaries”. He is a fiery speaker and said some utterly stupid things. The Q & A began and Y had told me to keep quiet and not ask anything. However, as a practising Shia he got very angry and got up to ask some question. Dr. Naik gave some chicken soup for the soul reply.

We left soon after because Y was angry. He made a lot of noise starting the bike. We headed to where I was invited. And this young man who was cross about the Shia faith being insulted guzzled up three large pints of beer in 30 minutes! And I, the religious ignoramus, was thinking about all those words nursing a neembu-paani…okay, a Breezer.

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Anyhow, why am I thinking of Zakir Naik today?

Apparently he has got into trouble. I was secretly thrilled.

A year ago he had said that Allah’s blessings be upon Yazid, the killer of Prophet Mohammed’s grandson Imam Hussein. This time he told a TV channel that Allah alone should be approached for help and not even the Prophet.

Instead of relenting, he stated, “I stand by what I said. And I didn’t commit any sacrilege. The majority of Muslims across the world believe that Allah is the almighty and help should be sought only from him.”

I do not wish to get into a religious twist, but the role of the Messenger in Islam is too sacred. Yet, it is a fact that there are segments that are persecuted because they are branded cults because they believe in one thing and not another. Whatever be his motivation, he is expressing a point of view. Muslims should be happy that in some ways he is unifying them.

It is surprising that Sunnis are against him for this. And so are the Shias.

A Lucknow-based mufti issued a fatwa against him for allegedly supporting Osama bin Laden. Said Naik:

“I never supported Osama. I have always been saying that all those who kill innocents are terrorists. So if the USA kills innocents, it doesn’t have the right to call Osama a terrorist unless it owns up its own crime.”

Again, can we quarrel with this?

I am beginning to think that the white salwaar-kameez was not wasted on him…