Ask the vexpert - 13

Question: I am a 23-year-old man and my girlfriend is a year elder to me. Last fortnight we indulged in a French kiss which lasted for 10 to 15 minutes. Her period, which was due three days back, hasn’t started. She is getting very scared because she thinks it is because of the kiss. She is not ready to kiss me any more. I am really worried. Can it be true? Please help.

Sexpert: From what I know of French kissing – and I hope you’re referring to the same – there is no chance of pregnancy. Her period may have been delayed because of excitement.

Me: This is a matter of grave concern. India, as you know, is going through several crises – Naxalites, blasts, riots. At such a time when one’s patriotism is on test, and yet we manage to smile and shine and have gone and planted our flag on the moon, using a French method of expressing any positive feelings is just not done. As you are aware, we celebrate our loyalty to the nation by constant references to lahu – blood. Your girlfriend’s blood has done precisely that. It went on a good old three-day Indian hartal (strike). Please understand that we are very touchy about these issues and are globalised only in matters of chicken breasts, frog legs, and soufflé. To use the tongue-teeth for other purposes is tantamount to treason.

How do you kiss then? Try it the Indian way and I do not mean Kamasutra, which must be attempted only if you are planning to qualify for the Olympics or the marathon in your neighbourhood where your prowess will be noticed. The Indian way is to light an agarbatti, sing a song, then carry a flower each and let them meet. It shows devotion, the ability to express yourself and acceptance of the possibility of abstinence.

Also, you have committed the travesty of keeping track of the time spent in the activity. Indians are not known for that. We are laid lateefs.

Sunday ka Funda

Dry TV, wet Dostana

There is no television these days, since there is a strike. I am a dinnertime couch potato, so I am doing what everyone is – surfing channels. Yesterday I sat through some college romance. The same old stuff is still going on – woman dropping papers, guy picking it up, eyes meeting and then there is love.

I saw a re-run of some mythological serial and wondered if god was all about flying objects then UFOs make a lot of sense.

The news channels are by far worse than I thought. The Hindi shows are called Khabardar and such…then all debates have the same people saying the same things, dressing the way they always do.

They are truly more entertaining than the soaps. There is drama – the narco tests are major; religion – the sadhus, sadhvi, mullahs all talking about nothing; emotion – anger, tears, laughter, greed, you got it all; human interest – here is the journo who holds the mike like a lollipop, and seems to have that mental age, taking you to a poor man’s house. Camera pans to utensils, and grimy walls which are mostly blue. I have no clue why. Then poor man says something about poverty; poor woman uses saree pallu and sniffs and says the same thing. This is gender equality. Back to Ms/Mr. Lollipop (gender equality, yoo-hoo) who says we just saw how poor they are.

They take us back to the chaka-chak chamakta studio where someone will show us graphs about poverty and there may be a panel discussion – one suited man, one in khadi kurta, one woman in slightly stylish clothes, who will be a psychologist, and the other in a saree or salwaar kameez with long earrings, most likely an academician, who will disagree with the psychologist, the suit and the khadi kurta because she does not like all these.

There will be some jerky images of more rooms with utensils and suddenly you will see them being scrubbed and come out looking shiny. Turns out this is an ad for a dishwashing soap bar.

I can’t tell the difference most times.

Now news channels have a last segment which promotes a film. The current favourite is Dostana. Presenting to you a review without seeing the film

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Dostana is based on two guys looking for accommodation in Miami; they decide to portray themselves as gay because of some stupid reason. The landlady is a chic woman and they both fall in love with her…blah-blah…

I believe it is an entertaining film. It has many laughs. Good.

From what I read the gay jokes are being given a thumbs up because mainstream Bollywood has done it. So what? Mainstream Bollywood shows all kinds of relationships.

What concerns me is that it had to be a pretence; it wasn’t a serious relationship. They may not poke fun at gays (and hello, isn’t it time the gay community began to take a bit of humour?) but they do not have the courage to be gay, really gay.

And what about the woman? She has a pad in Miami that she is letting out, so she has made some decisions on her own. Why is it that for one who is quite hip she seems comfortable only around gay men? This is the same old cliché.

I am stuck with male homosexuality because, unfortunately, women are not really sought to be a force even here. Don’t throw Fire at me. This was frustration with the spouses that drove the women to do a bit of massaging. Why must it always be a reaction to patriarchy?

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Time for my dose of suit-kurta-earrings and barf. Wait…I shall watch a film only for one song. Safar for:

Jeevan se bhari teri aankhein
Majboor kare jeene ke liye

Saawan Beeta Jaaye

I had no idea how this song was filmed. It took me by surprise to see Mehmood and Shubha Khote performing since Guru Dutt and Meena Kumari were the principal characters. It is film classical at one of its best…

Saawan Beeta Jaaye- Suman Kalyanpur & Rafi

Movie: Saanjh Aur Savera
Singer(s): Mohammad Rafi, Suman Kalyanpur
Music Director: Shankar-Jaikishan
Lyricist: Hasrat Jaipuri

Islam and the eunuch

I cannot decide whether the news item about Indonesia’s transvestites getting into an Islamic school is good news or bad news.

Let me reproduce excerpts from the report and respond to the points:

Heavyset and wearing the pink Islamic headscarf and matching flowing clothes of a pious Indonesian housewife, 48-year-old Maryani says her penis is a gift from God. Born as a boy and raised as a Catholic, Maryani spent years of drinking and selling sex on the streets as part of this city’s transgendered community before discovering Islam.

If the penis is a gift from god, then why play the role of a woman? She was born with it, so isn’t this the gift of her Christian god? Where does Islam come into the picture? I am beginning to think that people are just getting onto the Islamic bandwagon because it is convenient.

You might wonder how it is possible when people are suffering because of it. Indonesia is a Muslim-majority country. Besides, the convert always has great value.

Maryani’s house has been turned into Indonesia’s first Islamic school set up specifically for waria, the transgendered people. Twice a week, around 20 waria in tight jeans, skirts, straightened hair and fastidiously applied makeup come in—many bleary eyed from a long night of drinking and searching for clients—to study the Koran and get better acquainted with their religion. “Waria are people too, we want to be religious. We have a right to heaven and we have a right to hell. Because we’ve been given life we have to remember god,” Maryani says.

This sounds like chicken soup for the soul or, more appropriately, some lime juice after a hangover. Drinking and soliciting clients is not a part of Islam. I am not being judgmental about the profession these people follow because there are few avenues for them, and most earn barely $ 1.86. As one of them said, “If you ask me going out at night is not good, but this is the only way we can meet our everyday needs. My principle is that I’ll stay like this in the future, when I’m old I’ll still be like this.”

Isn’t it unfortunate? Is learning the Koran helping them in any way, if they are so fatalistic? Belief in god and prayer can be essential for them, and for a believer heaven and hell are there whether they pray or not. If they have been doing their kind of work for years, I suspect they will be put on a guilt trip. What happens then?

The teachers teach skills such as baking and beauty therapy to get the waria off the streets, but their main focus remains religious guidance.

How many transgendered people get employed in such professions? What is the religious guidance being given to them that will help them in their daily lives? Do they need to go to school for this? The only advantage as I see it is that it could be a way of getting them to bond.

Said one, “We have hopes like other women. We hope to live with someone beside us, hope for a son. To live like regular people.”

No religion can give them that. Such hopes can be realised only through scientific methods and that too in certain cases.

Heaven and hell are situations we encounter on earth. And we have the benefit and the bruises from both to show and learn from.

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Image: Maryani at her home-school

Whatever...

You're so last summer

I did not want to use visuals with this. Have fun. It’s almost winter here and autumn elsewhere…but…

You're So Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday - (lyrics)