Aiyyo, India Tussi Bharat Ratna Ho!

Of course, India is one country. Diverse, yes, but unified. You’ve got to be joking. Just one day’s news will tell you that not only do we have such strong borders within our country but we also react in a manner that would make an outsider seem less alien.

Let me start with the film of the moment ‘Ra.One’. I have not watched it yet. Now, besides all the criticism about flimsy storyline, SFX not up to nuff, nothing like Hollywood, listless performances, what I found a bit curious was one long article in the TOI about the portrayal of Shahrukh Khan’s non-superman character as a Shekhar Subramaniam. The writer of the piece, a Tamilian, “cringed” because,

“It was somehow difficult to imagine the man whose name has always been Khan or Malhotra pulling off this new surname or doing his signature wide-arm gesture in a veshti and baniyan or even preparing crisp paper dosas for that matter. No, I don’t hate SRK; he’s indisputably the master of spontaneous wit and Yashraj romances.”

Here is someone complaining about stereotypes and indulging in it. What is a Malhotra or a Khan? Why does she imagine all Tamilians wear veshti-baniyan all the time? As a Malhotra, has anyone seen him eat pakoras?

The criticism would have been fine if the nitpicking were not as puerile as this:

“The curly hair, usually a Malayalee trait, I can take. Even Subramaniam’s inability to make iidlis or his soft spot for Lord Balaji (whose largest fan base lies in Andhra Pradesh by the way) is excused. But, under no circumstances, and ‘you can take it in writing’ (now this is a line any Appa would be more prone to using), would a Tamil father quote V Shantaram. Thiruvalluvar, yes. Valampuri John even. But a veteran Maharashtrian film director?”

Do all Mallus have curly hair? Lord Balaji is pretty universal in those parts, and yes, I mean the whole South, which is not Madrasi. As for quoting V. Shantaram, aiyyo, Rajini saar is originally from Maharashtra and he rules the Tamil industry. In fact, what is the cribbing about caricature? Every Rajinikant character is a caricature, often of himself. Pointing out the subtle variations within the South is not educative but only emphasises the disparities and the archetypes. It is important if the issue being discussed were of import; here we are talking about the non-hero avatar of a superhero.

One scene has got quite a few people into a Maggi mass. The good Tamilian writer explains that an appa “is not someone with a natural taste for noodles and wouldn’t ever substitute rice in curd rice with noodles. Is that so hard to get?”

Yes. Because, some appas can be eccentric. Here we go on and on about fusion cuisine and someone does it in the privacy of his home and it becomes a matter of grave social concern. What if he had poured rasam over the noodles? Or, was there a problem because he eats with his hands (not just fingers)? Have you not been to any traditional home or even small restaurants? Balling the rice after adding the sambaar/rasam/curd is pretty common. There have been occasion when such images are poked fun at, but if you can take a joke then it should not be a problem. The Chinese and Japanese even in fancy restaurants have their soup straight from the bowl. Americans will stuff triple-decker burgers in their mouths, mayo, ketchup and all. North Indians will eat their gol-gappas with the jal jeera dribbling down their chins. Same goes for most chaat in other parts of the country.

As for the accents, Bollywood is not here to make realistic cinema. Watch the old films, see how comedian Mehmood portrayed the Tam-Brahm in ‘Padosan’, watch those lungi dances…and we have film stars from the South who spoke in Hindi as Malhotras but never did get rid of their accent. No one spoke about nuance and how they managed to stay at the top.

It is interesting that there is no word about Shahrukh’s character being lean. Why? Does the Tamilian appa not like himself to be a little robust round the tummy, by and large?

And here is this whirly-gig that “even the most accented Tamilian father does not have a problem pronouncing ‘keys’, no matter where he’s looking for them (in this case, a woman’s bosom)”. Well, maybe he had just travelled from Medrass and hopped across the Tamil border into Kerlah? If he can acquire curly hair, according to the writer, then he can indeed look for kiss in the oman’s boosum (keys in the woman’s bosom)?

The writer goes all moralistic about upbringing of Tamilians. Hello, how many of them have wives in several corners of the house? Ex-CM Karunanidhi might be able to help.

PS: I do not like SRK and my next recipe will most certainly include noodles with curd, since I have already been eating tomato bhaat (pronounced bath by Tamilians) with curd and papaddam.

- - -

From the South, we move north. Metallica decided at the last minute it would not perform at the Gurgaon venue – something to do with security. Dilliwallas were angry. Rightly so. But Dilliwallas are always angry, so angry that if they cannot break a signal, which is their birthright, then they just get on to the footpath. Of course, this was not a Delhi-only event, but there are some places that bring out the worst in you. And Delhi most certainly is.

It does have people from other parts of the country, but it is a strange mix of ‘ji huzoori’ and ‘civil disobedience’. Unlike Mumbai that does not make you into a uniform kind of Mumbaikar, Delhi does it unless you really strive to retain your individuality. The worst possible thing is that the Dilliwallas are probably not too happy that Noida pulled off the first Indian Formula One, pretty much without glitches. No one has as yet come out with CWG like scandals, and this in the land of Mayawati.

It is truly silly when people ask what will happen to that land now that the races are over. What happens to Jantar Mantar and Humayun’s tomb and Ferozeshah Kotla Maidan? The first two have symbolic-historical value, but after that picture of a stray dog at the spot before the races, perhaps it can be used to get our police sniffer dogs some exercise; it can be used as a jogging track; there can be music performances. Anything. Maybe even Team Anna can play a cricket match against the various factions that crop up within it every other day.

The cribbing continues, including how it is just a glamorous event. Sure, it is. But those with memories will remember that the respected news magazine, India Today, back in the old days had done a photo shoot of the makeover of athlete P.T.Usha. Think before you cast stones.

I have two cribs about the event, though.

• Why did Sachin Tendulkar flag the winner Sebastian Vettel? One of the participating teams was Ferrari and we might recall that he sold his Ferrari, a gift.

• I love Lady Gaga but an Indian band or a group of our best could have been chosen. After all, it was the Indian Grand Prix.

- - -

We move to Mumbai. Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray wants Amitabh Bachchan to get the Bharat Ratna.

"Amitabh Bachchan is the last 'Shahenshah' (emperor) of Bollywood. In many countries of the world, the people don't know who is the president or prime minister of the country, but they know Bachchan. He is a real jewel of India who has brought laurels to the country...Bachchan truly deserves the Bharat Ratna.”

We do not know if Balasaheb plans to take away titles and we cannot have another shahenshah years from today. Mr. Bachchan does deserve this honour. But, why this sudden interest? Because, recently a North Indian MP had asserted himself and there was a war of words. So, the SS decided they could use the man who represents the North best. Moreover, he is now the brand ambassador of our beloved Modi’s Gujarat.

Let me jog your memory, again. In 2008, Mrs. Bachchan, Jayaji, a fine politician from the Samajwadi Party, had said at a function when the ‘speak and eat in Marathi’ call was at its peak:

“Hum toh Hindi mein bolna pasand karenge. Hum toh UPwalle hain. Mumbaiwalle humein maaf karein.” (I would like to speak in Hindi since I am an UPite. Mumbaikars please forgive me.)

Smart woman that she was, she forgot that she is a Bengali married to a UPite; she was marketing UP then. At the time, Sena spokesperson Sanjay Raut had said,

“Why should anybody undermine the Marathi language in Maharashtra? Moreover, there is no need for her to promote Hindi in Mumbai. It would serve the purpose better if she campaigns for the language in southern states.”

So, Balasaheb is not only suffering from convenient amnesia, he is pushing the Bachchan agenda by bringing in the friction with the Congress as the reason that Mr.B has been denied the honour. Why has he kept silent for so long? Had he got it during his friendship period, then the accusations would be of favouritism.

Talking of Mr. Bachchan and his show 'Kaun Banega Crorepati', I think it is quite communal, in that it finds a Muslim and the queries are about naqab and some Urdu stuff; the Hindus get their queries from mythology, which is in surfeit, incidentally. Always has been.

- - -

It is, therefore, wonderful that the Mumbai High Court did not pussy-foot when it came to a mandal that claimed it was a temple and asked for it to be removed without touching the deity. Justice P.B.Majumdar stated:

“People are interested in building places of worship. But God is never interested in huge worship places. He is satisfied with a small place also. If you really have the love for God, pray to God. He can give you more.”

True. There should be a moratoriam across the country on new places of worship. We have more than enough of every religion and sect, not to speak of those in honour of film stars.

Mosques, temples and churches are anyway not about god, but about the devotees’ need to find god. A haystack should do. A pin here and there might confirm the best suspicions.

Sunday ka Funda

See I remember we were driving, driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged,
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car

Can India afford the Formula race?

While I am against the globalisation mirage of India, I think that any of us firing the gun from the shoulders of the poor and dispossessed, unless they are specifically the target of discourse, is patently unfair. I can speak only for myself and in many ways all of us who are English-speaking/educated and have access to technological modes of communication can be deemed elitist, at least at the level to access to information and its dissemination.

The subject of India’s debut in the Formula 1 circuit is bound to raise the same questions about whether we can afford it. We cannot afford nuclear weapons, we cannot afford branded goods, we cannot afford fancy cars mainly because they hog up space. Who is this 'we', though? It is not a single group.

Let us take the arguments - well-meaning though they are - raised in an email from a discussion group:

It is strange that India, a zero in international sports (track & field, football etc) is to host this most expensive of sports.

Tickets will be priced at Rs 30,000 (£400) for two days. Germany’s ace Michael Schumacher has apparently given his blessings while America’s Lady Gaga (who usually sings and gyrates near naked) has been invited to perform at the F1 event. India elites have long been hungry for the western presence and approval. There is no doubt that the track must have been planned and constructed with total foreign knowhow.

It is true that we do not have a great record in sports, but that is mainly due to the cussedness of sports politics. Our hockey team wins and they are offered a piddly sum as reward. This is supposed to be our national game. How did it come to be so? Because we were good at it, the very best. Those were not days of sponsorship. In cricket, too, we have been fairly consistent, and rather good well before the advent of IPL and one dayers and T20. We have done well in golf, in snooker, in chess, in athletics, in archery, in weightlifting, in tennis, in badminton, and we have climbed mountains. It is not about who has done better. Let us not forget that even a Usain Bolt gets disqualified.

Many of these sports require sponsorship or patronage. Remember Sania Mirza’s training was paid for by a businessman. Most equipment and clothes don't come cheap. If we send shabby-looking players, our internationalists will be the first to object about our ‘image’. Training in many of these games is in fact expensive. Yet, quite a few of our current sports stars had rather humble beginnings, if we look at any major sport. There is a pecking order, no doubt about it, but does it have to do with an elitist sport?

It is far less elitist than horse racing, and not many strive to become jockeys. Yet, every year there are a few prime derby events and it must be said it is the only sport where the gamblers get more prominence, or the owners rather than the real players. Car racing and go-karting appeal to a larger audience, and like any sport test the stamina and skill of the drivers. It is also extremely risky. India has been silently conducting racing events for years now, and the tracks outside Chennai and Bangalore do not depend on foreign knowhow. I happen to know some people and have visited the Sriperumbadur track. The glamour aspect is there primarily because cars are anyway associated with it through advertising. We should be more worried about the number of foreign cars that are entering the Indian market and roads.

If we can get thrilled about Bill Gates coming and lecturing us about philanthropy then Schumacher’s visit is great. We have had some of our own drivers play at the international level. And Lady Gaga or any pop star from any field is an added attraction. When Oprah wants to do India she does not find ordinary people but our celebrities; that ‘gay prince’ appeared twice on her show with full royal regalia making a mockery of our democracy.

As regards ticket pricing, Indians eating out cough up this much at five-star hotels; they attend western classical music concerts which cost a pretty penny; they blow up on several other products, and they are made to feel wonderful when they buy a dinner table at a charity function if Richard Gere attends. The overheads cost more than what the charity gains.

Consider the fact that 80% of Indians have to live on RS 600 a month. They would need to save four years of earnings just to watch a bunch of overrated foreign drivers going round and round the course 60 times. Clearly the event is not for the masses but probably to impress the westerners that India has come of age – it is an ‘emerging power’, no matter that it is a starkly poor and malnourished country.

I am not sure if not having these races will solve poverty. These games are indeed not for the masses, just as reading and writing in English are not.