Ask the vexpert - 30

Question: My wife and I have been married for almost a year now.She has a very peculiar fetish she tells me to oil my pubic hair and create a parting so she can play with my penis properly. She also keeps talking to my penis.I however just dont get an erection and feel like a loser.I am very demotivated.Can you please talk to my wife about this?


Sexpert: I am surprised;most men would be turned on by her actions.Why not listen to her and feel proud about all the nice things she must be telling your member;unless she is telling him how lousy she feels that all her praise is getting wasted.Talk to her and convince her to do things that will arouse you to action on some occasions;that will be the middle path to happiness for both of you. 

Me: Your penis is an individual in his own right, as you would have discovered several times. The scenario could be:

1. This is your wife’s version of oral sex.
2. She is more comfortable talking with him in her search for emotional quotient that you seem to not possess.
3. Her demanding that you oil the hair and stuff indicates that she treats you as an errand boy, which you can take to another level.

The good thing is you do not have to listen to her constant refrain of “Talk to me” and you don’t have to listen to her. Instead of feeling low, think about how you can spend the time reading, watching TV, getting some shut eye. Of course, you will be undressed and may surf certain sites that could cause excitement. The other male may respond and then it depends on your wife – whether she is ready for a conversation and some hard talk or prefers her monologue.

If it is the latter, you will have to, when she is not around, talk to your buddy. Tell him that you are the provider and if he persists in this sort of adulterous relationship you will cut off blood supply to the vessels. Your mind has to be assertive.

The other alternative is to start oiling the hair on your head and parting it. Maybe your wife will transfer her affections on top and ease your task. You might enjoy being called a dickhead, after all.

Ask the vexpert - 10

Question: I am 20 years old. I have a strange interest. I get an erection whenever I see a colourful balloon and get an urge to masturbate on its surface. I feel likewise with any other product that's inflatable. I haven't tried masturbating on balloons as they can't bear my weight and pop instantly. However, I have wasted almost 50 vinyl balls while trying to masturbate like this. Such a sexual liking is termed as 'balloon fetish' or 'inflatable fetish'. Is this normal? Will I be able to indulge in normal intercourse with my partner? Would I need to reveal my balloon fetish to her?

Sexpert: An interesting fetish, I would say. With the current inflation, either you will have to balance your budget while purchasing vinyl balls or cut down on masturbation to reduce the cost. No idea whether you will be able to have 'normal' intercourse. You might have to get her to pop the balloons. So, you better tell her of your pleasure technique (she might have some of her own).

Me: Your fetish has to be examined closely. You have not specified what shapes excite you. If it is round ones then you are looking for a stable world (and not Thomas Friedman); if they are oblong then you are eggy and upwardly mobile; cylindrical shaped ones convey a strong belief in your own sexuality or penis envy (yes, men can suffer from it too); if you go for heart-shaped ones then you are the kind who will say, “It is love, not lust” everytime you get that throbbing sensation. Then there are those helium ones that one releases in the sky. If you are obsessed with them, then clearly you do not want any strings attached and your sexual interest in things is temporary. You are also all gas and tend to brag.

Forget vinyl balls. Try Swiss exercise balls that are designed for strength and resistance training. You will get your job done as well as be able to determine your potential.

Reveal your balloon fetish to your partner only after you have gauged her attitude towards balloons. Why don’t you try one of those extra large colourful prophylactics, blow it up, wear it and get ready for the party? Even if she finds it weird, women are so mushy that if you tell her you are celebrating the first day when you sat under a tap, or grazed your knees, she will have tears of joy in her eyes. As a return gesture do ask her, “What do you do with balloons?”

And be prepared to hear the word ‘prick’.