Ask the vexpert - 31

Question: My husband wants me to perform oral sex on him early in the morning without brushing my teeth. I am confused if I should go ahead with his fetish.

Sexpert: If you brushed before going to bed at night, your mouth is clean enough in the morning. Occasionally, ask him if he would like a cup of tea instead and postpone his desire till you have brushed.

Me: Cut your toothbrush to size and attach, add paste. Alternatively, stick brush wipes to condom. Oral and oral hygiene both done. This is not a fetish. You husband is big into time-management. Or, he’s still cutting his teeth at experimentation.

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Question: I am 21 years old and my penis is 7 cm when erect. Whenever I masturbate, the semen just oozes out instead of coming out with force. Will I be able to become a father?

Sexpert: Whether it oozes or spurts does not matter. As long as the sperm enters the vagina, it will have the motility to reach the ovum and cause pregnancy. If your spermatic fluid contains enough sperms (and there is no reason why it may not) you can become a father.

Me: Your semen is like the reluctant fundamentalist. Or let us say that what you thought was liquid asset is stuck in fixed bonds. The oozing out is a result of the exit load it entails.

You’ve got the medical opinion about becoming a father, so yes you will. And who knows, the child may make up for the trickle and be a ‘force’ to reckon with?

Ask the vexpert - 30

Question: My wife and I have been married for almost a year now.She has a very peculiar fetish she tells me to oil my pubic hair and create a parting so she can play with my penis properly. She also keeps talking to my penis.I however just dont get an erection and feel like a loser.I am very demotivated.Can you please talk to my wife about this?


Sexpert: I am surprised;most men would be turned on by her actions.Why not listen to her and feel proud about all the nice things she must be telling your member;unless she is telling him how lousy she feels that all her praise is getting wasted.Talk to her and convince her to do things that will arouse you to action on some occasions;that will be the middle path to happiness for both of you. 

Me: Your penis is an individual in his own right, as you would have discovered several times. The scenario could be:

1. This is your wife’s version of oral sex.
2. She is more comfortable talking with him in her search for emotional quotient that you seem to not possess.
3. Her demanding that you oil the hair and stuff indicates that she treats you as an errand boy, which you can take to another level.

The good thing is you do not have to listen to her constant refrain of “Talk to me” and you don’t have to listen to her. Instead of feeling low, think about how you can spend the time reading, watching TV, getting some shut eye. Of course, you will be undressed and may surf certain sites that could cause excitement. The other male may respond and then it depends on your wife – whether she is ready for a conversation and some hard talk or prefers her monologue.

If it is the latter, you will have to, when she is not around, talk to your buddy. Tell him that you are the provider and if he persists in this sort of adulterous relationship you will cut off blood supply to the vessels. Your mind has to be assertive.

The other alternative is to start oiling the hair on your head and parting it. Maybe your wife will transfer her affections on top and ease your task. You might enjoy being called a dickhead, after all.

Ask the vexpert - 29

Question: I want to measure the exact size of my boyfriend's penis. He claims that it is 6.5 inches when erect. I just want to confirm it. Should I use a scale or measuring tape?

Sexpert: Let the expert decide. It is not his pimple I am worried about but your attitude. Instead of being romantic and loving, you are so ‘physical’. It is not the length of his penis but the way he uses it to show you his love and affection that is important.

Me: Valid query. I believe that all relationships should be based on trust, and that needs to be verified. He has chosen a 0.5 figure, which immediately puts him in the suspects category. A tailor's measuring tape would give you a more rounded picture, instead of just the length. I'd suggest that to make sure the figure he has provided also carries weight, you should put it on a weighing machine. You might also try and check on stamina by putting 'him' through a stress test when he is in a 'happy' frame of mind.

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Question: I am 26, but still the cover of my penis has not been uncovered. What do I do?

Sexpert: Try daily with a little oil to slip it back till the base of the head of the penis. If you cannot, see a surgeon who will guide you further. Do not hesitate to consult one. If you act now, you will ensure pleasure during sexual intercourse.

Me: Don't do a thing. Wait for WikiLeaks.

Ask the vexpert - 28

Question: I have a problem. While masturbating, I think about animals and ejaculate. It gives me immense pleasure. Am I all right? Please help.

Sexpert: Why? Do you want to have sex with them? Which animal do you think of? Try to stop yourself. It’s not okay. Perhaps, if you fantasise about a crocodile, you may want to stop. If it persists, see a psychiatrist.

Me: You are all right, because the theory of evolution says we were apes. Quite a bit of our activities involves being down on all fours – cleaning floors, looking for lost objects and even praying. This is our ancestry. What you are doing is akin to going through old sepia-coloured pictures in fraying albums. Many humans use sexually-loaded terms with other humans like ‘animalistic’, ‘tigress’, ‘lion’, ‘bitch in heat’, ‘foxy’, and these are considered as desirable qualities in bed. So, why should they suddenly be ‘bad’ when you think about real animals?

There is some psychological reason too and it depends on the animal you fantasise about and what it tells about you:

• Dog: You seek loyalty
• Cat: Cleanliness fanatic
• Pig: Messy
• Donkey: ‘Take the burden off me’
• Horse: Adventure. If it is a derby type, then you expect a winning partnership, come what may, so to speak
• Zebra: Swing between black and white phases
• Monkey: You want a mimic
• Orangutan: For old times’ sake
• Elephant: Whoops! Do you? Well, then, there are two choices – you either like being crushed or being lifted

One more reason. Animals do not talk back, so in all probability you like your partner to be quiet. But animals grunt and meow and bark. So do humans. Am afraid you will have to live with the similarities, unless, unless... you can think about a turtle.

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Question: Many a time I wonder: God has given all important organs to humans. However, I fail to understand what could be the reason of having growth of hair around private parts and arm pits. Request you to answer and satisfy my curiosity.

Sexpert: Maybe for decoration! When men and women did not wear designer clothes the hair was useful. Have you noticed that the hair is swept backwards conveniently, I presume when we were ape men!

Me: God was shy. 

Ask the vexpert - 27

Question: When women have a problem with their vagina they go to a gynaecologist. Whom should men consult when they have problems with the penis?


Sexpert: First the family physician and if he feels necessary an andrologist/urologist.


Me: The neurologist.

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Question: I am a 24-year-old bachelor. I have three problems with my penis — 1) I can have sex with a woman for hardly two minutes before it drops 2) It is not fat as everyone else’s. 3) It doesn’t harden during sex with a girl. What should I do? I’m very sad.

Sexpert: The problem is in your head and not your penis. Go see a sexpert.

Me: Do not be sad.

1. You have not specified where it drops. I assume you mean it goes flaccid. This could be due to the drop in temperature. Ideally, heat should expand it, so obviously the problem is the location. Unfortunately, your partner/s’ specific area tends to cool off after two minutes – it could be a deliberate strategy to get you laid off. Most employers use it and this seems to be no different.
2. Your penis is adipose-resistant. It believes that it needs to fit in, so there is a problem with larding. Maybe there is a fat man waiting to come out, but again there is the economics factor. With rising inflation you are in fact lucky.
3. The problem is not with you but the media sound bytes where girls go on an on about soft and gentle men; ads talk of men’s soft skin. The penis is only mimicking what is expected.

There are solutions:

1. Stay away from fast food, quick-to-cook noodles. Watch videos of food simmering for long on slow heat.
2. If you really like it beefy, then add layers. This might counteract the first point, though, giving the impression you are in Alaska or Siberia.
3. Do not ever present yourself as a nice guy, even if you are one. Your weapon is into fads and gets swayed easily, so train it by doing some hard labour outside of the desired arena. It should, one hopes, get the message.

If nothing works, then portray yourself as they do in matrimonial ads: Here is a slim, soft guy, but ambitious and in a hurry to get things done.

Ask the vexpert - 26

Question: I want to know what semen tastes like. Is it salty, sweet or bitter. Would any of the above determine the quality of the sperms? If so, is there any possibility of deficiency/ill-health in the newborn. Can one prevent this?


Sexpert: Why not taste it if you are so keen to know? Salty, bitter or sweet the sperms merrily swim in the fluid. You cannot predict anything by the flavour.

Me: Sperms are like human beings – full of tantrums, picky, running the rat race and they have a sense of taste. And fun as well. If they are accosted by a strawberry-flavoured condom, be sure that they will think of cream and even Wimbledon by association, if they are well-travelled. The flavours you mention are the ones they live with and are influenced by. Individuals may possess all of these at different times, so a particular semen sample would reflect the mood of the day, a sort of ‘status’ on Facebook. Here is my guide:

Salty: The sperm will be an essential ingredient, a rather sociable being, adding a dash of that something extra. However, the possibility of water retention and high blood pressure may make them a bit slow and giddy headed. But salt goes well with eggs, so while they are together they will be rather well-adjusted.

Sweet: The sperm swimming in such a honeyed environ could well be a bit sticky to deal with. Once he gets rid of the baggage, the sweetness will make him a good after-meal companion. Like dessert. Since the only sweet eggs you get are for Easter, there will be hope of a second coming, a metaphorical need to return to roots. The also look for stability, a few good friends, and will turn out to be nice guys or good girls. 

Bitter: The first thought is to feel sorry, but the bitter medicine will stand these sperms in good stead later in life. They will be toughened and to get rid of the bitterness resort to airing their tongue, which will later transform into a give a damn attitude. They may rarely carry residual bitterness because they managed to rise above it anyway. However, they could suffer from angst and be wary of too much sweetness.

Before going ahead, taste the thing and then decide what kind of babies you want. And don’t slap the butter on. It masks the natural taste and misleads. Besides, grease could end in corrupt sperms. Imagine a people’s movement against you only because you want to do something like ‘Last Tango in Paris’.

Ask the vexpert - 25

Question: I am a 26-year-old bachelor. I like to fantasise about my sexy colleagues or actresses to arouse myself during masturbation. However, whenever I see a picture of a girl's vagina, I get turned off and feel like throwing up. I have tried to get over this strange aversion, but have been unable. I can get aroused by a woman's lips, smile, breasts, navel, but not the vagina. Hence, I am afraid of marriage. I am not sure if I will be able to satisfy my wife. Is there something wrong with me?


Sexpert: You should consult a psychiatrist to get you out of this aversion. You can start by looking at pictures of a vagina every day and also when you masturbate. After you are married, you won’t be able to go without seeing it.


Me: Marriage has got nothing to do with the vagina, which in turn has little to do with sexual satisfaction. You can praise all the above-mentioned body parts of your partner and she will be satisfied. In the long history of cohabitation, I have not heard anyone singing praises of the vagina. Marriage has to do with how two people try and not get in each other’s way except when the occasion so demands. Besides, when you are at your ‘real’ job it is unlikely that you will see V, unless you are an obstetrician or a techie who likes to check that all the hardware is tickety-boo. On your ‘other’ experiments there will be a nodding association required. Seen figs? If you are a fruit guy, it might be your answer.

However, to make sure you do not puke at the site, do chew on some ginger as you would when you are taking an arduous journey in the mountains. You could also acclimatise yourself by visiting caves and sitting there for a few minutes. Make sure you do not spend too much time or you will be left hanging loose when you need to replicate the images. Also, make a note of the bats on the ceiling – that is a good testing ground for future use.

Ask the vexpert - 24

Question: I am 45 years old, 5.10-inches tall and have a wellbuilt body. My penis is 7 inches long. I have been married for 23 years and enjoy a good sex life. Six months ago, while travelling by bus, a person started rubbing my penis. I got uncomfortable and climbed off the bus. The next day, the same thing happened, but surprisingly, I enjoyed his stroke and behaviour. Since that day I am unable to enjoy an intercourse with my wife. I do not get an erection anymore. I only get aroused if somebody on the bus touches my private parts. I’m depressed. What should I do?

Sexpert: You have discovered on the bus that you are bisexual. Now you will have to decide to go one way or the other. However, when you are with your wife, you can fantasise about a man to get an erection. You need not feel depressed; rather work towards a solution.

Me: Did you start using the bus after 23 years of married life? If that is so, it has more to do with the mode of transport than the particular act by another person. The man was merely the medium to express the bus’s amorous intentions, you having neglected it for a while. If, on the other hand, you have been travelling regularly and this happened now, it is possible to classify it as the 7-inch itch. Maybe a part of you was waiting to be discovered. Whatever it be, your disinterest in conjugal cohabitation and arousal only by the ‘touch me’ on the bus reveals a deep need for becoming one with the masses. It is the political resurgence of your psyche that had thus far been happy with smaller and more elite forms of transportation. This is your Jasmine Revolution moment or a Tahrir Square revolt. That the bus is red and stands for blood and passion is also revealing. I would not deem you bisexual at all, for even if the back of the seat touched you, you’d respond. That part of you wants to join the movement and as it repeated itself the second day, it means that you are being included in the revolt. Do not be depressed. Just get off the bus and walk or take a cab or an autorickshaw. It might be worthwhile to invest in a scooter or even a Nano. Because your penis is not going to abdicate its throne and neither will your wife. So, better go home and fantasise about your own spouse as your bodyguard.

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PS: In this series I usually have my tongue in cheek, but this time I take strong objection to the sexpert’s advice. The questioner has had just two such encounters and he is termed bisexual and told that he has to choose one way or the other and to fantasise about a man. It is ridiculous. Men, and women, can at vulnerable times during peak hormonal season get aroused by anything and it is their hormones that are responsible, not some stroking. If this person were bisexual, he would not have stayed married for 23 years without having ever fantasised about any man, if not gone all the way.

Ask the vexpert - 23

Question: Could you please let me know if there is any procedure/medicine to conceive twins?


Sexpert: Whose decision is this? Are you autocratic in your relationship? Have you thought of the extra burden of pregnancy and birth your wife will have to bear? There is no such medication available.


Me: As you know it is the fastest sperms that get to the goalpost, so you will have to start a reward programme which makes team work imperative. It will be like a doubles at Wimbledon. They will have to first go through a dry run, so to speak, and make sure they know what they are getting into. It is a commitment and most sperms just do the dash in and veer away due to the phobia of being sentenced to an egg cell. These two will need to be certain. Then they have to practise speed and accuracy of aim. If they are comfortable, they might enter one egg together or they could find a home in two separate eggs. Accordingly, your wife will bear identical or non-identical twins.

To train your sperms you will have to follow the same method you would to have an extra-marital affair – work harder or fake better.

Ask the vexpert - 22

Question: My boyfriend is a foreigner and we are thinking of consummating our relationship. Are foreign penises different from Indian ones? Will I have to do something special?

Sexpert: There is nothing different, except it won’t be brown. It’ll be pink and white.

Me: The sexpert assumes that foreigner means White. You have not specified his country of origin and his race. One thing you must remember about foreign penises is they are foreign, which makes it double trouble since the penis by itself is a foreigner to your system. It is not what you do but what will be done unto you that is more crucial here. Despite some anthropological knowledge, I am forced to put the Europeans together because the euro expects me to. However, the Italian one will be a bit argumentative; the French arrogant and given to small courses; the German would either still believe in the superiority of its race or suffer from guilt pangs given its Nazi past; the British will labour to be conservative resulting in confusion over its hung status. This brings us to the other Europe and we will not get into things Greek right now. East Europe will always be worried about separation so there may be times of withdrawal; its history has been turbulent so you could well end up in a war zone situation.

This leads us to the Middle East. Given the desert climate and the Bedouin history, the Arab is designed for harsh climatic conditions but due to the wealth from oil, he has pampered himself. Therefore there is a tendency to rough it out and then luxuriate. The African does not have the luxury of the latter.

The South East region again cannot be clubbed together, for while the Chinese have mastered the art of making facsimile copies at cheap rates, they treat parts of their body with the reverence reserved for the ancient dead. There will likely be many rituals to propitiate the god. The Japanese loves experimenting with electronics and might want to create mini versions that will keep you amused when his own is busy. The Singaporean has a fetish for cleanliness and the Hong Kong one will display Chinese traits as well as some English ones that have left a residual impact. The Thai, known up until now for the famed soothing massages, is quite likely to stage a protest.

What about the American? You will be under constant suspicion for possessing weapons of mass destruction. Shall we say you can expect a drone attack?

Ask the vexpert - 21

Question: I run a cyber café. Sometimes, customers come, masturbate and ejaculate here without my knowledge. Sometimes the fluid spills onto the keyboard and mouse and I end up touching it. I have the habit of smoking and tend to smoke or eat chocolates right after touching the dirty keyboard. Could it lead to an infection? Please help.

Sexpert: No harm will come to you. More harm will result from smoking.

Me: There are two issues here. It seems like the dirty keyboard excites you and makes you perform oral acts such as eating chocolates or smoking. I would suggest that you indulge in these acts without touching the keyboard that has heated electrons which may keep alive certain germs increasing the possibility of getting infected. If you do run your fingers over it by mistake, type ALT+CLR+ ESC.

Regarding your customers, you may provide special chairs that have seat fastening belts and hand shackles that provide limited movement. You could also have laptops so the mouse is not used. Make sure a timer goes off every five minutes. The possibility of some users finding all these things pleasurable remains but at least your equipment will be safe.

Ask the vexpert - 20

Question: I am a 24-year-old man and I will be getting married soon. I have the following questions: a) When does a man wear a condom — before or after getting an erection? b) Of what use are flavoured and dotted condoms? c) Are there female condoms? If so, how are they worn? d) If one masturbates everyday, can he still experience night fall?

Sexpert: a) A man wears a condom after getting an erection. Buy a packet and read the instructions on the pack. b) Flavoured condoms are used for oral sex. There is no need of using them with a trusted partner. Other kinds of condoms help heighten pleasure. c) Female condoms have been recently made available in India. They are inserted in the vagina and cover the vulva area d) Why the compulsive habit? I suggest you undergo premarital counselling along with your partner.

Me:

• a) A man must wear a condom before an erection so he knows how much area to fill up. It is an exercise in upward mobility.
• b) Flavoured condoms are like fragrances and give the penis a distinct identity so that it becomes identifiable. It will tell the woman whether you are a fruity person or a spicy one; the dotted ones just add an extra dimension as garments do. All this talk about giving extra pleasure to a woman is mere talk. Why would any woman get excited seeing little pimples?
• c) The female condom is not meant to be worn. It is kept aside to send a message to the man that she is not interested in his babies.
• d) You can see all the sunrises you want – will that stop you from looking at the moon?

Ask the vexpert - 19

Question: I am a 37-year-old man. I had a habit of giving six to 12 v AC power supply to my penis for five to 15 minutes. With this I experienced a vibration in my penis. I do not like nightfall, so I put a rubber band on my penis. Will this cause problems in my married life or affect my sperm count?

Sexpert: You will not find a battery at the end of the vagina. You will experience the act sprinkled with love and desire of the partner. So if you must, then do it on your own once in a while. Nightfall is a natural act, so tying bands will not help; it will not spill out in your urine. Stop before a problem occurs in the sphincter of the bladder.

Me: Besides the wastage of electricity, there is a danger of your penis becoming an automaton. Our organs have sensors that are attached to the brain. If the message gets the vibrations from a source such as this, it will immediately realise that this is how the said organ must respond. Also, with the possibility of power failures the signals may get all mixed up; it could create a fear psychosis in your organ that will be transmitted to the cells in the brain, which might decide to indulge in its own short circuiting method.

Regarding your second query, I would suggest you try and sleep during the day. Day sleep has different dynamics because there is no Rapid Eye Movement. REM is in fact the cause of intense subconscious sexual activity; the rapid blinking of the eye and the internal state of repose mimic the real act, therefore the nightfall.

Putting a rubber band will in fact suggest to the penis that it needs to expand and be as elastic as the band. I would prefer you used a naada (a string used to fasten the salwaar in our part of the world) but it is only a temporary cure because it might give rise to a penile attitude problem: dressed up and nowhere to go.

Ask the vexpert - 18

Question: My girlfriend and I have protected sex once in three months. Last time during sex I applied tomato sauce on her breasts and navel and slowly started sucking the areas. We both enjoyed the act. Is this okay? Also, can you please suggest some styles we can experiment with?

Sexpert: You do not seem to need my help. Each person can fantasise for himself/herself. It is normal to play out your fantasies if both partners agree, it is not harmful to either if it is not done in public. Since you are so enthusiastic, look up some of the Kama Sutra positions.

Me: This is so like going out for dinner once in three months. And choosing a healthy option. Instead of wine and whipped cream, you have gone for processed tomatoes. This will ensure that you have healthy bones, teeth, skin and hair. Also, during some heavy activity, it will help lower your blood pressure. Of course, this should not only help you, so make sure your partner also gets to have some of it.

About positions, I would recommend you stick to the Tomato Strategy. What do tomatoes do in pasta? How are they spread in sandwiches? Sometimes, you can try making your own tomato sauce right there, except that your partner must be willing to endure the garlic-onion sweating, and the oregano being roughed up. Or you could have a tomato hanging on a pole and jiggling, or you might aim straight at it. The tomato asana is a yogic position in which you act as though you are going to be sliced; essentially play numb. And then give yourself up to whatever follows. The alternative is to imagine you are in a blender, so just toss and turn at rapid speed. It will give quite a new dimension to the quickie.

Warning: Should your girlfriend and you decide to procreate, do not include the sauce in your adventures when she is nursing. Milk curdles.

PS: May I suggest you use Salsa as a baby name?

Ask the vexpert - 17

Question: My partner showed me how guys masturbate and he accidently ejaculated in a water tub. I used the same water to wash my vagina after urinating. Now I am worried. Could I be pregnant because of this?

Sexpert: No chance of conception. Ask your partner to aim straight and warn you if he intends to do so again.

Me: I don’t think it was accidental on his part. He let his stuff reach the water tub because you would not be able to tell the quantity in a tub full of water. Not that the amount of semen matters, but it is a psychological need to prove something. I understand you are into the ‘save water’ campaign and needed to wash yourself with that same water, but it isn’t a good idea. You won’t get pregnant because the semen has been lost in this vast ocean; however, bodies of water hold several bacteria and small insects, including mosquitoes. Chances of them being impregnated are not to be ruled out, since they are small and their requirements different from human ones. Sperms are adaptable and tend to look for targets anywhere.

My only concern it that due to extreme jealousy and possessiveness, some of the impregnated insects might want to seek vengeance and you could be the target. If you contract any illness due to bacteria or get a sharper mosquito bite than is normal, then do see it as the ‘other woman’ claiming her rightful share. If any of these visitations occur after a period of time, it could well be the offspring and their desire to seek roots. It might seem difficult to accept, but since your partner could be responsible for several bastard vermin, it might be wise to prepare for your role as stepmom.

Ask the vexpert - 16

Question: I am a 30-year-old man. I ride a bike, covering approximately 30 km per day. Will this affect my sex life?

Sexpert: No, it will not affect your sex life. However, there are reports that the sperm count can reduce. Check your sperm count with a reliable pathologist.

Me: Of course, it will if you tell your partner about it. I mean, 30 kms a day astride a throbbing machine could make her expectations rise. Also, you might start behaving weirdly, imagining bumps, trying to overtake (if you follow rules then only from the left), stopping with a jerk and then trying to restart with a pedal push.

Will it affect your sperm count? Depends on how the sperms ride. If they are cautious, then fine. If they are reckless, then of course there will be fatal accidents.

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Question: I am 27 years old. I have the following questions. 1) Why is Viagra taken? 2) What is the best age for men to father a child? 3) What is the right age to start a family?

Sexpert: 1)Viagra is for better erection (when a man suffers from erectile dysfunction). 2) A man can father a child the day he starts passing sperms and the woman starts experiencing menstruation. However, parenting involves much more — a stable home, income, the right facilities to bring up a child, etc. 3) Around 27 through the 30s would be a good age to start a family.

Me: 1. Viagra is taken when your partner expresses a desire for a blue diamond. That’s what the pill is shaped like.

2. The best age for a man to father a child is when he grows up, which is like never. But for the sake of perpetuating the race, when he can slip off his condom after having learned to slip it on.

3. What is the right age to start a family? So strange. Should one assume that the child you will father will not be your legal partner’s? Or are you looking for a brood to complete the family? Just follow the steps mentioned, except that you should take breaks and slip on the prophylactic occasionally lest you lose practice. You will need it when you are done with Family Inc.

Ask the vexpert - 15

Question: Is the length of penis hereditary?

Sexpert: No idea.

Me: Yes. You do get your eyes, nose, hair from your parents, so why not the penis? The one problem is that since the penis is a male preserve and a child can inherit characteristics from the mother as well, the length of the said organ would depend on the X chromosomal equation with the Y. If your other body parts are more like your mother’s, then some psychological research would be needed: Did your mother ever suffer from penis envy? If she did, then chances of you having a longer phallus increase because jealousy gives out heat; heat encourages elasticity.

If your other organs are more like your father’s, then you’ve got what he’s got. However, the dictum ‘child is father of man’ may apply here too as would the theory of evolution; therefore, you might get an extended version. The flip side is that this generation has to deal with global warming, recession and depleting natural resources. It might affect your organ. That is the reason people switch off the lights, it is to conserve energy and let the power last longer.

Ask the vexpert - 14

Question: I am a 25-year-old man. Please tell me if regular masturbation can increase the size of one’s butt.

Sexpert: Just as your nose, ears, fingers and tongue will not increase in size, neither will the butt.

Me: But, of course. What you have to decide is the sort of increase you desire. If it is a wide butt, then you will have to stand in the Bharata Natyam position with feet together and knees bent. This will adjust your behind to the shape you wish and with the activity at hand the muscular tension will work on the rear. If you just want a well-rounded butt, then you might need to circumgyrate and do a bit of rotation, first clock-wise, then anti-clockwise, just so as to ensure that your precious organ does not take on a bend instead. If you prefer a butt that juts out, then you will have to perform your act of self-love in the missionary-on-my-own position; the skyward look your behind takes will make it swell over a period of time. Done at dawn when the sun’s rays are showing up, the solar energy emitted will heat up the skin and quicken the process. You could call it your version of surya namaskar.

Ask the vexpert - 13

Question: I am a 23-year-old man and my girlfriend is a year elder to me. Last fortnight we indulged in a French kiss which lasted for 10 to 15 minutes. Her period, which was due three days back, hasn’t started. She is getting very scared because she thinks it is because of the kiss. She is not ready to kiss me any more. I am really worried. Can it be true? Please help.

Sexpert: From what I know of French kissing – and I hope you’re referring to the same – there is no chance of pregnancy. Her period may have been delayed because of excitement.

Me: This is a matter of grave concern. India, as you know, is going through several crises – Naxalites, blasts, riots. At such a time when one’s patriotism is on test, and yet we manage to smile and shine and have gone and planted our flag on the moon, using a French method of expressing any positive feelings is just not done. As you are aware, we celebrate our loyalty to the nation by constant references to lahu – blood. Your girlfriend’s blood has done precisely that. It went on a good old three-day Indian hartal (strike). Please understand that we are very touchy about these issues and are globalised only in matters of chicken breasts, frog legs, and soufflé. To use the tongue-teeth for other purposes is tantamount to treason.

How do you kiss then? Try it the Indian way and I do not mean Kamasutra, which must be attempted only if you are planning to qualify for the Olympics or the marathon in your neighbourhood where your prowess will be noticed. The Indian way is to light an agarbatti, sing a song, then carry a flower each and let them meet. It shows devotion, the ability to express yourself and acceptance of the possibility of abstinence.

Also, you have committed the travesty of keeping track of the time spent in the activity. Indians are not known for that. We are laid lateefs.

Ask the vexpert - 12

Question: I am a 19-year-old girl and my boyfriend is 21. We had protected sex but during intercourse, our contraceptive failed. His condom broke and a small part of it was left inside my vagina. I took I- pill within six hours of intercourse. Will I get pregnant?

Sexpert: Did you fish out the condom? Since you have taken due precautions, you will escape pregnancy. It won’t affect either of you except creating a lot of tension.

Me: I am unable to give you complete assurance since it is possible the condom got deeply involved with you. This is why it broke free. It is possible for you to get pregnant, not by your boyfriend but by that piece of condom. Condoms are made of latex, which is the juice from the rubber tree. Trees have life. Anything that has life regenerates and gives birth. You could mother the first latex baby. Keep it away from the bark of the rubber tree since it may prefer to call it Mommy.

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Question: Does eating mint chocolate lead to reduction in a man’s sperm count? I feel this is a common problem that all men are facing today. I am very concerned. Please help.

Sexpert: If you have this fear, don’t eat mint chocolates. But do not interfere with those (including myself) who love them; they have had no problem. If you have some scientific evidence, please do send.

Me: You are right. Each time you pop a mint chocolate you get an icy feeling. This cold gust moves at the speed of light through the lungs to the intestines. Since the intestines are curled, there is no room to manoeuvre in a linear manner, so they break through and reach the testicles. This gust has now solidified into snowy layers. The sperms that were happily swimming or taking a rest try to huddle up together, but the temperature is too cold and many die. They are accustomed to a tropical climate inside you, even if you live in Alaska. The ones who survive are the tough ones, so next time you meet them just be prepared for a frost bite.