Of PIOs, Rathore and the BJP's Prodigals

She is an advocate and the first woman attorney-general. But trust the headlines to play that down. Hindustan Times had ‘Indian-origin granny is PM of Trinidad’. The Times of India went with ‘Indian-origin’.




Kamla Persad-Bissessar has been elected the first woman prime minister of Trinidad and Tobago.

“I am grateful for the immense support from women across the country,” Persad-Bissessar, a devout Hindu, said. “I celebrate this victory on their behalf.”

Her forefather was among the 1,48,000 Indian labourers who were brought here between 1845 and 1917 to work on sugar and cocoa plantations.

How far back in time can we go to claim origins to specific places and fete it? I am waiting to see how much mileage this news gets in the Indian media, what analysis follows. After all, she is not heading a Western company. Trinidad and Tobago are in the news when we see beauty queens strutting down the ramp and their sash has many more words. If forty-four per cent of the country’s population is of Indian origin there may be quite a few who have achieved something. You never hear about that.

I should hope Ms. Persad-Bissessar will change that and we look beyond the US-Europe axis. And we have not missed the reference to her being a “devout Hindu”. I am quite certain if the Indian media interviews her, she will be asked how many times she prays, who is her favourite deity, what festivals she celebrates and she might lovingly display some idol. She has to keep her forefather’s home constituency happy. They don’t do Trinidad and Tobago often.

Oh, and Hindutvawadis will talk about how Hinduism is a global phenomenon.

Of course, I could be wrong and no one will give a damn because she is not heading PepsiCo.

- - -

Why is everyone celebrating justice?

Former Haryana DGP S P S Rathore was thrown behind bars on Tuesday, 20 years after he molested 14-year-old Ruchika Girhotra, driving her to shame and suicide,

He has got an 18-month sentence. He is in a barrack where they put undertrials and convicted police officers. The manner in which newspapers have been writing about his strip search is as though they feel something unusual is being done. He is a criminal and what is being done to him is what criminals have to go through. There is also this disgusting emphasis on his smile. Every report would mention his smile and now they sat there is no smile.

However, Rathore told TOI while coming out of the court, “The smile is on my face and it will remain.’’

Oh, my, what a scoop.

This man is disgusting for several reasons. The last time he mentioned the cramped space where it was impossible to molest anyone and he would have to be Hanuman and perform a miraculous feat to change his size. Someone ought to have slapped him. And where were the upholders of religion? This man is using a mythological character to say that he could commit a crime if he was one.

The judge, Gurbir Singh, pronounced the verdict:

“As police officer, his role was to protect the public. As president of the Haryana Lawn Tennis Association, his role was to train budding players for India. But he failed in both duties by molesting a minor girl. People are afraid to send minor girls to playgrounds due to the presence of such persons.”

Is this some dacoit film dialogue…so jaao, nahin tau Gabbar aayega? What if he had encouraged other budding players and had performed his police duties on other occasions? This is a specific case and the judgement should be specific.

Subhash Girhotra, the girl’s father, said:

“It doesn’t matter that the sentence awarded is one-and-a-half years or two years because justice has been delivered. The court has taken the side of righteous people. But the battle will continue for justice in the abetment of suicide case.”

The courts took 14 years and Rathore resigned seven years after his crime. How can anyone call this justice?

I am also intrigued that his wife, a lawyer, is representing him in court. It must not be easy. Does she truly believe in his innocence or is she performing her wifely duties? Is she under threat to do so?

- - -

If there was one person who was most certainly not taken in by Jaswant Singh’s ‘ouster’ from the BJP it was this writer. I had even alluded here that his martyrdom was a concocted act.

I had also maintained that Uma Bharti’s leaving the party is a superficial move.

Now, we have it in cold print. Just the way everyone likes it:

The BJP is all set to welcome back into its fold two of its expelled leaders — Jaswant Singh and Uma Bharti — it is learnt.

If things turn out according to plan, Singh could be back before the party’s national executive scheduled for June 12-13 in Patna and so could Bharti. Of the two, the prospects of Singh’s homecoming are stronger with senior partyman L K Advani himself having initiated the process.

Uma Bharti had quit the party she started! What more can one say about such power-hungry people? They will justify their return by saying things like, “We were always ideologically with the BJP”, “There are fights but we are one big family”, “Disagreements reveal that we are a democratic party” and ho-hum.

PS: What happens to those poor supporters of our sophisticated and shrewd Jaswant Singh?

Into the minds of Nirupama Rao and Salman Bashir

This Pakistani shook hands with an Indian Army official’s wife and pronounced that she suffered from severe migraine. That is the reason Director-General for South Asia, Afrasiab Hashmi, labeled a ‘physiognomy’ expert, was said to have been included in the delegation that took place today at the foreign secretary level talks. He will apparently read the faces of the Indian officials and predict what they really mean when they utter those precious words. (If Indian diplomats were visiting we'd have a choice of astrologers?)

It is said that he can also predict the future. He is not trained but has a natural knack.

Now, as those who have been here for some time know, and the devil is my witness, I have deconstructed many a photograph and my hunch has not been far off the mark. I don’t even have to shake hands or anything.

Therefore, in the interest of the Indian side, here is my humble reading of Nirupama Rao and Salman Bashir who have had "closed door talks" by now:

Indian Foreign Secretary Nirupama Rao said India had approached the talks with "open minds, fully conscious of the trust deficit between the two countries…Talks were candid. There was good chemistry between the two delegations. We had useful discussions.”

Good chemistry is like love. You don’t know what the hell is happening, but something is. It also results in suspicion. Every bit of information, even about orangutans, appears useful.

She said Pakistan wanted to resume the so-called "composite dialogue" - covering a range of key issues - but India felt the time was not yet right to do so "because the climate of trust and confidence has to be built up… I told them about our concerns about terrorism emanating from Pakistan. We agreed on step-by-step engagement."

It is clear from the picture. Although they are facing the same direction, they are looking at different cameras and her head is tilted slightly at an angle to the other side. It won't be step by step but a tangential idea.

Her Pakistani counterpart, Salman Bashir, wanted to discuss Kashmir and had already met the Hurriyat leaders before. It shows in his visage. Although Pakistan admitted the 26/11 attacks had been partly planned on its soil, he has an all-knowing look on his face but trepidation regarding this meeting; his left hand is too close to his body and straight.

Their clothes are also interesting. She is wearing a saree blouse with too short sleeves revealing thick arms. Good enough for flexing? The lower button of his jacket is unbuttoned, which one would expect him to do just before sitting. Either he forgot to button up or that’s the way he likes it. It shows a laidback attitude that seems to suggest: do what you want, say what you want, I am cool with it. And, yes, I can stomach things.

"We have agreed to remain in touch," concluded Nirupama Rao.

Sure. Like a cat offering a ball of wool while the bone remains buried (Kashmir, Hafiz Saeed, Baluchistan, all that Pakistan wanted to discuss).

End result: It was just a meeting, stupid. No strings attached to be detached.

And: As for the Pakistani ‘face reader’, let me tell you what I think. He is good with headaches and he will return with one!

I told you so...

The Shiv Sena and Shahrukh Khan have "climbed down" a bit, without altering their "ideological" positions. So, the SS is not interested in doing anything to interfere with the release of 'My Name Is Khan' and the actor won't take the war of words further. How convenient.

Anyhow, I said this would happen a few days ago in 'News Meeows -23'.

The new news was in yesterday's papers. One would imagine TV debates that are aired live to keep up with fresh news. Instead, we had the same things regurgitated. The usual shouting to emphasise nothing.

A few noticeable points:

* A studio audience is not the "aam junta".
* Dissent is not some tutored youth, who believes Shahrukh has done so much, standing up to say they would all go and line up to watch the film ("Come on guys, let us show them," he said). It is called falling prey to hype and following trends.
* Konkona Sen Sharma saying, "But arts and sports must be exempt from all this, no?" is the sort of bubble some people wish to protect. Why only arts and sports? There is a world outside also, no?

Did no one read the papers that morning? If they did, why did they not discuss the fact that there was a 'truce' of sorts.

Neither the SS nor Khan is standing for any ideological position so let us not even get there.

The short end of Pakistan's Long March

“Today is a defining moment in Pakistan's history. We can change the destiny of this country. Pakistan stands at a crossroads today and it is your duty to save it.”

Words of Nawaz Sharif addressing a rally to protest the arrest of dozens of political activists and lawyers and the outlawing of demonstrations in Islamabad, and the provinces of Punjab and Sindh.

This is the man who was willing to sleep with the enemy to change the destiny of the country at that time.

“Allah has put the decision to change the fate of Pakistan in your hands. It is possible in seven days, even three days. These conspirators will run away with their tails between their legs,” Sharif said.

Why did he not protest all these months when his main difference with Zardari was the reinstatement of judges? Why invoke Allah now? To please the Taliban? So whose tail is between whose legs?

Let us ignore this fact for now. Pakistan is in the midst of probably the worst civil strife it has faced in its history. Asif Ali Zardari was bad to begin with; he has only got worse. He is the dictator he sought to overthrow. There are whispers that he is toeing the US line; I doubt if America would risk getting its pet puppet to arrest lawyers, unless the lawyers pose a danger to its pet puppet once they assert themselves.

Nawaz Sharif may talk about ideals but the Long March beginning on the 12th from Karachi to reach the capital on 16th will achieve nothing except a photo-op; it will work to undo the images being flashed around of the Taliban and Swat tribals. These will be the people the Americans will want to save. In a twisted way, the General Kayani warning to Zardari is only the tip of the iceberg. If it is a US prompt, which is the prevalent view, then America does not realise that the Pakistani Army also works in tandem with the ISI. The ISI is like Mossad; it will give all the appearance of being the US bunny, but will thrust its ass at it when it really wants to.

Right now, Zardari is in trouble; Nawaz Sharif has no locus standi other than to be an Opposition leader; the tribal belts will do their own thing. Nothing is to stop the takeover by the Army.

The snow will melt soon in the Northern areas of Pakistan and Kashmir. Hot air will blow. The barracks need to show some action.

I am afraid democracy in Pakistan is all about who the best dictator is.

Bakwas on bakras:

Meanwhile, a report in Hindustan Times mentions that India and Pakistan are already in battle gear. Over the rights to Pashmina. Our side says that the Srinagar Valley produces the best; they say that their side is good enough.

I think there is a possibility of some détente here. Let our goats and their goats do a bit of mating and we can sort it out. And next time you drape the soft shawl, don’t be surprised if someone asks: Was it good for you?

So, Pakistan goes to the polls?

Today Pakistan went to the polls. We in India do that so often that it might have been a yawn. Except that this is momentous. Last night they had a special show on NDTV where a group of women discussed the elections. It was held in a Lahore haveli and they had a small fire (oh puhleeze…). The two Urdu-speaking women hardly got to say anything.

I am sorry, but I got no new insights. This is crucial…we need democracy…people are afraid…polls will be rigged…one is expecting change…and so on…

If polls are going to be rigged, what change are people expecting?

Now, I read a few reports. Let me deconstruct some of the arguments in bold:

Former Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and Pakistan People's Party co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari have decided to launch a movement if the Monday's election is rigged.

Should they not have launched a movement before to show their commitment to the country and not merely to the polls?

Mr Zardari and Mr Sharif said that if free, fair and impartial election is held their parties would defeat the Pakistan Muslim League (Quaid-e-Azam) candidates in both national and Punjab Assemblies.

This is of course possible, because in almost all societies people like change. So, what is new?

Meanwhile, Mr Zardari is 100 per cent confident of garnering a majority but warned President Pervez Musharraf-led government not to rig the election which will force him to launch massive street protests leading to the break-up of the nation.

The bloody gall of the man. If he is 100 per cent certain (and not 10 per cent), what is the warning about? And what does he mean by launching street protests and breaking up of the nation? He is sounding like a terrorist. He is no revolutionary. If he is talking about people being on the warpath, they have been doing so for a while, ever since the Chief Justice issue and Jamia Hafsa movements happened.

“We've taken part in the elections rather than boycotting them. Now it's up to them to give us a free run. People are angry, they are on the breadline, despite the $60 billion windfall Musharraf has enjoyed over the past eight years.”

He better recall that the PPP wanted to boycott the elections. Then, when his wife was killed, he started to jump about. I am sorry, but his going on the “Bibi, Bibi” track is his only calling card. Yes, it is sad that there is shortage of essentials, but the windfall that Musharraf or anyone gets is used for what our stupid countries think is more important: arms.

By the way, what about the windfall he had made?

You don’t need great analytical skills to predict the results.

Puff prophecy:

The polls will be rigged, but selectively. The PPP will win in Sindh, to drive home the point about sympathy votes. Nawaz Sharif will get a few crucial Punjab votes.

Musharraf is in deep trouble, anyway.

Whoever finally sits in office, the Pakistani people are a long way from democracy.

Is it in?

Maverick: The Trend Settlers
by Farzana Versey
The Asian Age, Op-ed, Jan. 1, 2008

Her lashes fluttering like a fan, she asked, “Is it in?”

“You should know!” he said with the vehemence of one whose pride has been hurt even if only for a few brief seconds.

Having just read that silicone implants were on their way out, she persisted.

“The world is flat,” he stated flatly.

Trends may change but the idea of the fad will remain. It is not merely about couture. People, professions, issues, non-issues too become talking and mocking points.

Here are the two major trends and their offshoots that will not go away…

Who’s afraid of Islamophobia?

This fad of Islamophobia is so infectious that even when British society fights Harrods, Mohammed al Fayed screams out the word.

Islam has ceased to be a mere religion; it is a huge cinematic production for many. The box office registers don’t stop each time there is a new Islamic release. There are several reasons for it.

Jihad is the most rocking contribution of Muslims. They just have to bare their teeth, ball their fists, carry a rucksack and they are said to be on a jihad. Most people associated with it have no idea what they are fighting. At least, George Bush was aware that oil could be a weapon of mass destruction; Muslims don’t even notice the oil under their feet.

The fatwa is something that lays a price on the head of anyone who has a swollen head. Potential targets are writers and anti-Islamists. It helps the world understand the religion better when an exiled writer has a fatwa issued against him/her. This is also the Muslim way of doing zakat towards Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Islam has also changed the terror business. It is seen as a corporatised entity with one CEO who no one wants to find, for the moment he is found this whole industry will fall apart. If you don’t have Islamic terror then you cannot put your army to use and an unused army is not good for patriotism.

Which brings us to Osama, a fictional character created by the US establishment to whitewash its past and justify its present. Meant to be devious, we occasionally get to see him in comic-strip TV format wearing clothes that tell us he has found a laundry service and a beard that has been coloured, which means he has a future as brand ambassador of L’Oreal.

All the world’s a globalised stage

Even as individual nations become highly xenophobic, they continue to talk about how small the world is.

More and more people will leave the shores to become ambassadors of the country. Not all will refer to their wives as headless chickens, though. Due to outsourcing, fewer men are looking for ‘innocent divorcees’ these days, mainly because of hymenoplasty. Women with a history are also seen as valuable as antiques. These and not the mini-skirted, bustier-busting babes-in-the-hood are the new trophy partners.

Neo-politicians are no more fuddy-duddy daddies of boom and doom. They are snazzy and trim their ear and nose hair. Since everyone from fashion to film stars to industrialists is in politics, this was bound to happen.

Internationally, they will fight terror. They don’t have to do anything else after saying that. Oh, they might like to take their model/actress/singer girlfriend on cruise holidays or convert to some other religion.

The Leftists have made it possible for people to stop saying they are Leftists; these days you say you are left of centre, which means you like your martini shaken and your ideology stirred. They don’t believe anymore that Lenin is better than borrowin’, though they continue to leave their Marx and some stains.

The farm fatales are rich politicos who have made loads of money and now think the only way to prevent farmer suicides is to buy the farms. Like buying the bathwater to bathe the baby.

Women in politics will continue to be seen as a different species. While in the west they will be expected to dress sharply by their makeover and publicity agents, in our part of the world you need to show that you are a grassroots person, unless you are a Rajya Sabha member, in which case you must look like a dream girl whatever be your age.

Survivors will be those who manage to save a few big bucks at the stock market. Self-made people will be those who go through a sex-change surgery.

Advertising remains superficially progressive. Remember the ad that was considered offensive because it showed a woman experiencing what seemed like orgasmic pleasure washing a male undergarment? The objection was to the sleaze. No one bothered to point out why on earth she was washing his clothes. See?

But these guys will go to Cannes and get some award for their ads on how to save trees or the girl child. Both die sooner than they’d have walked the length of the beach.

Then you have the NRIs who make home-video type movies about eating two-minute noodles with your fingers. It is a profound metaphor for confusion and coping with disparate cultures. The two minutes represent the fast-paced world we live in.

Bollywood will attract youngsters who are not from film families. Some have been to college and only because they have succeeded at the box office they assume they would have been great architects, doctors, rocket scientists. They speak in measured tones, often with an accent. They say they are striking a balance between art and mainstream cinema. They talk about how comfortable they are with their bodies (If they won’t be, then who would?). You can hear them whisper, “I may be signing up for that crossover film, The Devil Wears Parandi.”

Most over-used quote that will live on: “I am controversy’s favourite child.”

Me too. Like this column? SMS 2008. Lemme know if im in b4 im out!

- - -

For some readers who may not know the background of certain expressions, here…

headless chickens – the term used by the cocky Indian ambassador to the US for our politicians who were nuking the nuclear deal with America

innocent divorcees – believe it or not but Indian matrimonial columns in mainstream newspapers did ask for such a creature

The Devil Wears Parandi – Parandi is the tasseled extension added to the braid of women, mainly in Punjab.

Like this column? SMS 2008 – This is a dig at The Times of India, India’s largest venerated newspaper. For a while now it runs this at the bottom of every column. I find it sick. Publications survive on ads, and the TOI had years ago decided that its Response Department would supersede its Editorial. I say, if you don’t have confidence in the abilities of your writers, then why have them?

First day, first show?

Okay, so two films are being released tomorrow and there is already so much noise that I don’t know whether I want to watch them.

But, I would like to give my two-bits even before they ‘hit the screen’.

Saawariya is irritating me for only two reasons – one is that ghost-blue backrgound in all the promos; the other is the title song that is usually played along with the scene. “Saawaariya, aa, aa, aa…” It reminds me of someone beckoning hens that have escaped from the coop. Aa..aa…aaa…

Om Shanti Om has the irritating Shahrukh Khan striking an irritating Rajesh Khanna pose and looking like Vinod Mehra. Only RK could get away with being irritating.

Now for my puff prophecy:

Saawariya will do well because of curiosity value and Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s haveli hangup. The news kids: Sonam seems immensely likeable in a ‘Let me help aunty cross the street’ way. She will be a sure-fire one-film hit. Much like that tepid Vidya Balan who scored because of a great Parineeta role and then realised she could not even say, “Good Morning Mumbai” in Lage Raho Munnabhai with aplomb. Sonam will get nice girl roles and will be praised by critics for her warm presence.

Ranbir Kapoor is going to strike gold. He looks like he is trying really hard (watch those moves with the towel) and effort pays, especially if you are backed with a great name and look like Mamma’s wholesome laadla. Fine. Ranbir is big for the next few years.

Coming to Om Shanti Om, Shahrukh’s new abs are disgusting to anyone with respect for stomachs. Yet, there is gloss in the film, because it has cinema as its theme, that too the wonderful 70s. If Farah Khan has not messed it up with caricatures, then this will be a bigger hit. Deepika Padukone is going to be a star. She is no star material, but she seems to have that extra thing that will transform mundane to very subtle masala.

One day, when she is older, I would like to see her enact Waheeda Rehman's role in Guide.

I haven’t seen a single ‘scene’ from either of these films, yet…

If I turn out to be right, then this post will be paisa vasool. If not, heck, you haven’t paid for it, anyway!