Faith and the Marketplace

Maverick: Faith and the Marketplace
By Farzana Versey
Covert, September 16-30

Every time I hear about someone spotting the image of an idol in a potato or other benign vegetable or fruit, envy churns in my stomach. The only thing I seem to spot is insects crawling out. That gives me no scope for a scoop. The others will pose with their benediction.

God and faith have become the fastest selling items. There is an ad being aired on television these days. A young man clicks a hip young woman on his cellphone camera. He shows the image to his friends. One of them says, “Dude, yeh paap hai.” Courtesy and civilised behaviour can now be judged only through a moral prism and that we get through epics. This is an ad for just such a channel, one among many that have sprouted offering devotion in a dish TV.

No one sulks about interpretation or abuse. Images of Ganesha have always lent themselves to artistic whimsy, but the idols meant for worship and immersion had a well-defined look that included a pot-belly. This year’s Ganpathy has washboard abs, apparently dictated by the trend of the worshippers who want god in their own image rather than the other way round. One sculptor in Ahmedabad even said he had brought in a new avatar.

In one of the largest pandals in Mumbai devotees got insured against terrorist attacks. This might sound like a pre-emptive strategy. It is, in fact, one more gimmick. Play on fear, challenge the worshippers, make them feel like they are worth it while they pay and pray for a gym-toned prosperity in a set designed by a Bollywood art director.

One Durga Puja pandal has been outsourced this year to an American company. The New York-based Media Morphosis has appointed actor Mithun Chakrabarty as its brand ambassador. “This is an effort to marry creativity with commerce on a corporate platform,” said an official. No mention of religion.

Some Muslims returning from Haj could well be part of a racket that sold fake Zam Zam water for 25 Saudi riyals per bottle to European and Southeast Asian countries with an ‘imported from Mecca’ label. This water is considered pure, both in its properties as well as for its spiritual value, and is never sold for profit. When it was found in the market there was an alarm and, on being tested, was found to be spurious.

Whenever I drive past the Mahim mosque stretch in Mumbai, I see tens of people on their haunches waiting for food from restaurants. The leftovers of the rich? No. The boys from the eatery bang on the passing cars and ask you to pay. Here poverty and faith are both on sale.

Is there any need for a place of worship then?

None other than President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran instructed that the 70,000 mosques in the country should promote tourism to “copy” what the Christians had done with churches.

Wonder what his reaction would be to the 30-metre long inflatable church on the beaches of Italy. Nuns relocate to beach cabins in the holiday months; an altar is set up in a tent, vacationers join in the prayers, priests are ready to take confession.

If this isn’t enough, there is news from an ancient Armenian manuscript that Jesus played cricket as a child. No one seems to have cashed in on it as yet. Perhaps an IPL match on the seas?

India is the land of saints and charlatans. Naked sadhus with mobile phones have been photo-shopped far too often. Now we need more. Just like that corporate guy in the sponsored ad for a money-raking devotional channel who tells his boss, “Karam kar, phal ki chinta mat kar.” Don’t worry about the fruits of labour, he says, sitting in an air-conditioned cabin ensuring that his salary gains momentum in the stock market. He reads the fine print. As the graph shows an upward trend so does his faith. The boxes in temples, churches and mosques depend on how far you have got in life.

Your values depend on how large your plasma screen is and how true-to-life are the colours of your mythology.

Delhi blasts

Last evening Delhi experienced a series of bomb blasts. High alert. Stay calm. It could have been worse. All headlines. And the blame game once again.

Oh, they will say, she is not condemning them. I don’t know who them is. Let the police do their job. I have my theories. We all do. One-liners don’t work where so many lives, whole societies, are under threat.

The Times of India carried a front page story about an 11-year-old balloon seller on Connaught Place. The last time I had met one was a few months ago; he also had those darts that you aim at the sky and they light up. It was late; there were no buyers, so I bought two. He left. Would he remember me?

The newspaper tells us that the cops are interrogating the boy. (They have named him Rohit. They have his picture but very self-righteously they say they haven’t published it…you damn well don’t). He saw two men place the ‘bomb’ – a plastic bag really - in a dustbin and 15 minutes later it blew up.

They are depending on him for detailed descriptions. Some NGO is helping him recollect. All clues are important, but in a busy area people do alight from autorickshaws, they do wear black and may dump plastic bags in dustbins. How did this boy even know what information to provide and regarding the time…was he wearing a watch and keeping count?

There will be the usual debate about official versus unofficial figures of the dead. I have never understood this. If it is the work of terrorists why do the cops not release actual figures?

Meanwhile, from the pandal across the lane where I live music is playing. Cops would be sitting there as they always do. The sky is dark at noon. Today is the Ganapathy visarjan (immersion of Lord Ganesh idol) that ends the festive occasion. It has been raining. Large groups will make their way to the sea.

Chances are they would already be drenched. When you are dripping wet it does not matter where the water comes from.

The Advani circus pitches its tent

It’s funny reading about L.K. Advani treading the middle path. He is doing a Vajpayee. Once you are in the running for a post, you must put on this mukhauta (mask) and let others dirty their hands.

This time the dirty hand is the BJP Party President Rajnath Singh.

I have more or less accepted that the BJP will head the Centre (of course as a coalition) after the next polls and Advaniji will be at the helm after all these years of trying his hand at being kingmaker. Now he knows how kings are made and how to make crowns without thorns.

So, at the party (or paarr-tea, as LK would say) meet at Bengaluru (Bangalore), Rajnath Singh found one word that could be the party manifesto, since the NDA did not have any that could be construed as real.

Here goes what we will see:

1.

Ram Sethu will become a “national heritage monument" and must get listed among Unesco's world heritage sites.

It is not a monument to begin with, but chances of someone constructing a little structure on the bridge with tassels flying and embossed pillars is not implausible.

2.

"I am demanding that the Central government nationalise the road leading to Amarnath, so that no attempt is made in future to... (disturb) social harmony for political reasons."

I did not know roads could be traitors. Anyway, we will have a nationalised road, when for all these years the saffron parties did not do a damn thing. They did not even arrange for palanquins or donkeys. Now we can have nationalised asses and nationalised dolis and nationalised porters. You may as well nationalise the Shiva linga – who knows when some jihadi starts getting jealous.

PS: The BJP had said earlier that all arrangements must be handled by the Shri Amarnath Shrine Board. Now why is the Board quiet and not reacting? Because Mr. Dirty Hands is wooing Kashmiri Pandits by demanding a special enclave in the Valley for their rehabilitation.

PPS: The Jammu regional Chamber of Commerce and Industry (CCI) had earlier complained that losses incurred during the two-month long agitation were nearly Rs 10,000 crore; they have demanded compensation.

Dr Mubin Shah, president of CCI, Kashmir, jumped in to say the Valley is suffering since 1947 due to non-settlement of its political issues and added that a survey for the decade 1990-2000 had shown 1,837 days lost to bandhs and strikes.

3.

Narendra Modi is going to speak on national issues and is said to be a possible replacement for Advaniji once the latter becomes PM. Imagine all those followers like Arun Jaitley and Sushma Swaraj who have been doing time and diligently watching films with LK now being forced to watch as Modi bhai tries to convert India into another Gujarat. Arrrarra…

4.

"In panthnirpekshata, no one can oppose any flower... because the lotus is a symbol of Indian culture. Only by defining secularism as dharmanirpekshata can one make the lotus appear communal,” said RS.

All you pseudo secularists, the flower that grows without any regional or religious affiliations is now a symbol of our national culture. Dump all those roses and mogras and jasmines and marigolds. Wait! I have never seen a lotus displayed in any of the BJP meetings. You just need one to decorate the table.

5.

"Why do controversies arise only on matters of our faith and belief?" asked Rajnath Singh.

No controversies. Just election-time strategy. If you kept quiet and talked about filling potholes instead of nationalising roads no one would even listen to you and Advaniji of ‘middle path’ fame would kick you in the behind. Don’t you know the fate of those who preceded you and did not follow the party discipline?

What can I say? Welcome, welcome, Advaniji. And make sure to talk about building the mandir. Just because you discovered the Shiva lingam you must not forget Ram lalla. That was your ticket to political heaven.

Remember how you copied the Islamic jannat and got all those ghilmans to work on the dome?

Ask the vexpert - 10

Question: I am 20 years old. I have a strange interest. I get an erection whenever I see a colourful balloon and get an urge to masturbate on its surface. I feel likewise with any other product that's inflatable. I haven't tried masturbating on balloons as they can't bear my weight and pop instantly. However, I have wasted almost 50 vinyl balls while trying to masturbate like this. Such a sexual liking is termed as 'balloon fetish' or 'inflatable fetish'. Is this normal? Will I be able to indulge in normal intercourse with my partner? Would I need to reveal my balloon fetish to her?

Sexpert: An interesting fetish, I would say. With the current inflation, either you will have to balance your budget while purchasing vinyl balls or cut down on masturbation to reduce the cost. No idea whether you will be able to have 'normal' intercourse. You might have to get her to pop the balloons. So, you better tell her of your pleasure technique (she might have some of her own).

Me: Your fetish has to be examined closely. You have not specified what shapes excite you. If it is round ones then you are looking for a stable world (and not Thomas Friedman); if they are oblong then you are eggy and upwardly mobile; cylindrical shaped ones convey a strong belief in your own sexuality or penis envy (yes, men can suffer from it too); if you go for heart-shaped ones then you are the kind who will say, “It is love, not lust” everytime you get that throbbing sensation. Then there are those helium ones that one releases in the sky. If you are obsessed with them, then clearly you do not want any strings attached and your sexual interest in things is temporary. You are also all gas and tend to brag.

Forget vinyl balls. Try Swiss exercise balls that are designed for strength and resistance training. You will get your job done as well as be able to determine your potential.

Reveal your balloon fetish to your partner only after you have gauged her attitude towards balloons. Why don’t you try one of those extra large colourful prophylactics, blow it up, wear it and get ready for the party? Even if she finds it weird, women are so mushy that if you tell her you are celebrating the first day when you sat under a tap, or grazed your knees, she will have tears of joy in her eyes. As a return gesture do ask her, “What do you do with balloons?”

And be prepared to hear the word ‘prick’.

Today was yesterday, okay?

I find our obsession with all things Western quite disgusting. We have begun to look at life through their vision. This is not to lessen the tragedy that took place on this date, but how many of them will remember what befell other societies?

There is nothing new to say, so here is an old post...

9/11: Why should I remember this date?

Where were you when the Partition of India happened?

Where were you during the Bangladesh War?

Where were you when Indira Gandhi was assassinated?

Where were you when Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto was executed?

Where were you when the anti-Sikh pogrom took place?

Where were you when Rajiv Gandhi was killed by a suicide bomber?

Where were you when parts of Eastern Europe were being spliced?

Where were you when the Gujarat earthquake happened?

Where were you when the Bombay riots of 1992-93 took place?

Where were you when the Bombay blasts happened soon after?

Where were you when Godhra happened?

Where were you when the Gujarat riots were taking place?

Where were you when Iraq and Iran went to war and stayed that way for eight years?

Where were you when the Gulf War happened?

Where were you during Operation Desert Storm?

Where were you when the US started bombing Afghan civilians to look for a man in a cave?

Where were you when America attacked Iraq to look

for weapons that they have not yet found?

Where were you when Kargil happened?

Where were you when the recent blasts happened in India?

There are so many reasons to know where we were…and these queries are not posed to you. For, even I do not know where I was when most of these disasters/calamities took place. So I do not know where I was when 9/11 happened.

But you are supposed to know. The media in our subcontinent will remind you because they cannot feel left out. People who do not want you to think about other societies would also think this is important enough to recall.

I can understand those who live in the US/Canada having vivid memories; or those who have relatives there being worried, but I do not see why that date should become a part of our local psyche. To be concerned about the new world order, terrorism, religion and politics is of course important, but to deify a date?

Therefore, I wonder if those living overseas could check with the Americans and the Brits if they recall any of the incidents I have mentioned. Do they know where they were – do they even know that such places exist?

If we wish to talk about a world where equality must reign, then knowledge of other societies is a great equaliser.

Say something about Sarah Palin before it is too late!

It’s been days. She has been done, done, done. I am sitting in India and only know that those NRIs must be wondering what wrong did our Bobby Jindal do? He also has good hair. For visiting relatives, Alaska is a big adventure after Disneyland and New Jersey. Why New Jersey. Here…

Oh, wot fun. We went to mole, goat aadha-pukka rotla and shaak, then came home, put ghee on rotla, sat on jhoola in poach and talked and talked about Narendra bhai and Kanta ben. Badhu normal chhe.

Jindal is wot…Marwari? Not Gujarati? Then let it be. This Cain and Barbie jodi is nice, haan. He is budha, but she also is not less. I like that high, high hairstyle, she looking like Mumtaz in some smiling pictures. Saras chhe.

Republican soo hoi? We celebrate Republic Day in January. You make full political party out of one jhanda ceremony? American lok na ekdum gaanda chhe.

Sarah ben is banning books? Paper saving. Smart woman. She is not banning your Playboy and Hustler and Vogue and People to soo vaando?

Maybe she is having deal with some publishing houses for a 'cut'? After all, banned books do phat-a-phat business in grey market.

Sarah ben jeeti jaaye na to ask her to do opening ceremony of Maya Motel. Wot? She does not like Maya Angelou? Haasto, who can like any loo? How I wish I was having green card and voting for her. She is my type. Mode-un and having family values just like Karan Johar.

Okay then ask to do opening of new restaurant Khakhra King. Wot? She has problem with Stephen King? No worry, we will ask Bharat bhai to change name. He can call it Sarah Jahaan se Achha. She will like tribute and he will tell her story about the poetry that astronaut Rakes Sarma (Punjabi he is no?) made about moon.

Now I am tired. Before I go, tell me why that Obama lives in barrack? For sympathy vote?

You only give Sarah.

News meeows - 17

Barf

The Supreme Court finally pronounced the verdict that M F Husain’s painting ‘Bharat Mata’ is a “work of art’’, The painting has been the focus of protest of right-wing individuals and groups in different parts of the country.

The petitioner’s argument that the painting, which depicted a nude woman as Mother India, had hurt the sentiments of every sane citizen did not impress the bench. It asked: “Does the sentiment of the petitioner gets scandalised by the large number of photographs of erotic sculptures which are in circulation?’’

=

It took the court four years. I don’t know how these petitioners can decide how every sane citizen must react. However, I think the judge has used a wrong analogy. Getting scandalised and hurting sentiments are two different things. The erotic sculptures are seen as heritage; the problem arises when someone interprets such figures as art. It is all right in temples, or so goes the thinking. I have had a problem with Husain’s way of operating, but that is another matter.

What citizens should be hurt about is how we strip India all the time. The India of poverty, illiteracy, malnutrition, female foeticide. The India where people don’t have enough drinking water or so much water that whole villages drown.

This painting is not titillating, but it is not great art, either, in my limited opinion. That Asoka chakra seems displaced; the sun looks tacky and the man meditating behind is so Indo-exotic. If it is to pay obeisance to the Mother, then he ought to be in front. You do not sit behind a ‘deity’. Also, it lacks pathos. The artist likes primary colours and uses red often. What does the red mean here? Anger, passion, a bleeding heart? None of these emotions come through.

Of course, now that he can return home from self-imposed exile, all those socialites who don’t give a damn about Mother India except when they organise their annual August 15 theme parties and tri-coloured pulaos (or is it pasta now?), will talk about the victory of art.

Larf

“Guddi buddhi zhali pan akal aali nahi (The ‘Guddi’ has grown old but not wise)” sounds like a typical Raj Thackeray reaction. He also said, "Maharashtrians should boycott all products endorsed by the Bachchans who have poison in their minds for Marathi people.”

Raj Bhau, Chywanprash khaila nasal tar tumhala buk-buk karaichi shakti kithun yenaar (Brother Raj, if you don’t have Chyawanprash then where will you get the strength to yap)? Simple question I am asking.

One thing is clear, though. Jaya Bachchan is a smart cookie. She made a remark at the music launch of the film Drona, ticking off her son Abhishek: "Hum to UPwalle hai, hume Hindi mein hi bolna chahiye. (We are from UP we should only speak in Hindi)."

She is not originally a UPwalli. If she is trying to wangle something out of the Samajwadi Party, then she needn’t bother. Amar Singh is in their pocket already.

Someone rightly commented that she chose this to push her son’s film. Any controversy is good. There was no need to mention Hindi because I have always heard Jayaji speak in English at award functions, and I am talking about those functions given out for Hindi films.

Does she give interviews in Hindi? And, oh heck, the moment she opens her mouth her faithful tribe of mediawallahs rush to her and talk about how outspoken she is. If she is really outspoken without any motives then I would love to hear her views on the nuclear deal and Rahul Gandhi’s attempts at finally becoming a real youth Congress leader. Since she says she is a serious parliamentarian, one would like to know. Or does she say things only when she wants some footage? Last time she took on Sonia Gandhi, it perfectly suited her political ambitions. Now that the SP is tangoing with the Congress, she will keep quiet.

Shh…

Gaffe

Barely three days ago, Riyaz Lone and Ashfaq Ahmed Tak were whisked away from their families in a sensational midnight raid in Kathmandu and deported swiftly to India as dreaded Dawood Ibrahim henchmen who had played key roles in the 1993 Mumbai serial blasts.

However, on Monday it became clear that the Nepal police were high on enthusiasm, but had not got their facts right. The arrested duo, it turns out, were victims of mistaken identity.

I am surprised. Not because this happened, but because such quick action was taken. What gives? And Ujjwal Nikam, the CBI’s own Man Friday, said, “They are innocent Kashmiris living and working in Nepal…After verifying their identities from the CBI records and from their hometown in Kashmir, we have ascertained that these two men are not the ones who are on the list of the absconding accused.’’

The CBI will pay for their return.

Please pinch me. Within three days they managed this when thousands of undertrials are rotting in our prisons for the same cases. Is the government just trying to act like it is very responsible and understanding and cares about Kashmiris all of a sudden? Would it like to do something about all those other innocents in jails? Come on, it is possible. Before the elections are announced.

Zap

Here’s to President Asif Ali Zardari:

“Yeh kya hua, kaise hua, kab hua, kyon hua, jab hua, tab hua, oh chhodo yeh na socho…”