Men on a mission

You get a silky or lacy thing from him but it might be to keep track of somebody snuggling up to you when he is out of sight. The Chastity Garter will send men a text message if their wives or girlfriends are cheating on them.

Edward and Lucinda Hale came up with the idea because:

“Our relationship nearly fell apart when Lucinda cheated me. She told me she regretted it and wished there was a way of removing the temptation by making straying impossible.”

I don’t think this garter will take away temptation, which lies in the mind. It will only make it difficult to act upon it. I also find the technicalities a bit amiss:

The garter monitors rising pulse rate as well as surface moisture levels on the skin and when these apparent signals of sexual stimulation occur, a text message is sent to alert the woman’s husband or boyfriend.

See, where is the remedy for temptation? She is all charged up and excited and all her partner will get is a beep-beep to tell him there’s something about Mary, but no apple will be bitten into. Why? Only an automatic text message can unlock it, which is a control freak idea. Does it make him feel any better? Imagine if he’s in a meeting and is alerted about a panting spouse. What does he do? Leave the client and rush to save conjugal bliss? Will he reach on time? What if she was only indulging in a bit of self love? Or reading some erotic literature?

It is also an exceedingly regressive product. And to think that this is a gift for the woman. Do women want it? Is it not insulting? I can only hope this piece of bondage turns the tables and makes the recipients get on top and whip it out.

Another freaky idea for the boob trap is one of those make life easy bras. US engineer Randy Sarafan believes he has come to the rescue of millions of men and women by inventing a bra that will come off with a clap of hands. I think it is unromantic and quite chauvinistic. It is like a master clapping to get services rendered, for the woman won’t be doing the clapping. If fumbling with hooks was a problem in the throes of passion, how will this stupid act not douse the fire?

Think about a man standing behind and clapping and then the garment falls off. He would have to stand behind or she would have to be face down or well they would have to think about when to clap and what to do next, all kind of planned. Besides, what if his hands are clammy?

Honestly, hooks aren’t all that tough. I understand men don’t like to ask for directions, but at least in this case women would be quite ready to just release themselves. Guys, you can save the applause for after you’ve got it right, not before.

Sunday ka Funda

“There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes”

- Richard Buckminster Fuller

These pictures of the latest strap-on mattress may seem to be inventive, but it expects expected outcomes. Straps for the hands so women can stay in place comfortably and men can hold on for dear life, a trench for the men to place their knees “for extra traction and grip”.






The makers do admit that “even the laziest lovers can put some extra snap into their performance”.

Wonder why they did not just make a nice little seat where the guy could deposit his account while he settled down with his gin and tonic.

One-hand Opener

Can you imagine your good fortune? At the Geneva International Exhibition of Invention, the world’s largest fair devoted to innovation, one of the great new discoveries is a soda bottle opener that makes you open the said bottle with only one hand. Imagine!

I have no clue what anyone who has to open the bottle would be doing with the other hand at the time that s/he cannot employ it as well. I am sure, though, this has warmed the cockles of many a heart. Look at the neat design and the satisfaction on the model's/innovator's (?) face. As I said, you people are lucky.

Why not me? Because I cannot open a soda bottle even with two hands, especially if it is straight from the fridge and sweating icily. I find it slippery so – pardon the indelicate reference – I have to press it between my thighs and hold it a little below the neck with one hand and get the opener at the opening and hope and pray that the deed is done without any spillage or the fizz does not leap out and fracture my face.

I am sharing this important personal detail because surely it cannot be the only instance in the world. No, don’t tell me it is. Like, am I a pioneer who uses parts of four limbs to open a soda bottle? I do it with other bottles as well. And sometimes with cans too.

PS: Those who have the privilege of being Mumbaikars might be aware of a wonderful Parsi last name: Sodawaterbottleopernerwalla. No kidding.

Feeling sheepish

Every once in a while we come across unusually innovative people. They may not change lives, but what they do sure does make me feel like taking anything within reach and doing something with it.

The artist here is Jean-luc Cornec and the sheep are grazing (or have grazed) at the Museum of Communications in Frankfurt, Germany.

Every one of these sheep is made from telephones and cords – check out their feet!

Baby at work

Trust the Japanese to come up with this.

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AJI, my book, is now available at Liberty Books outlets in Pakistan. Also can be ordered from their website.

Hot!

There are people who just love piping hot food. I don’t. Sizzlers I anyway do not like, but on occasion have fanned it with whatever was handy and even gone delicately psoo-psoo as the smoke hurt the eyes.

This Japanese invention would be great.