These are a few of my favourite things?

There was this questionnaire from a serious source. They thought I was a serious client and they wanted my feedback to make sure I remained serious.

After a series of serious questions about what I thought about them, their work, their ability to satisfy me (I love this), they asked me stuff about my favourite things. I have a few favourite things but with mood swings I like a bit of change…anyhow, I decided to sound serious.

I will skip the usual ones…then they got me to thingies:

Watches: Patek Phillipe, Tissot.

My reputation was at stake or else I would have said Chunibhai’s shop, where I got that big one with a purple dial that does not work and cost me 250 rupees.

Cuisine: I lay it on…French, Thai, Mexican, South Indian, Italian, Chinese, Tibetan, Burmese, Nepali, Burkano Fasoan, Frontier (yo, mah jihadi basic instincts)…okay four of them I did not mention.

What I wanted to say? A regular supply of chocolate walnut brownie with triple scoop ice-cream and Bailey’s Irish cream and sprinkled with nuts.

Favourite apparel: None. Really. I said it. Now the envelope has been sealed and delivered.

Pity they didn’t ask about favourite position. I guess their zeal wasn’t missionary enough to get a woman on top to fess up about how every doggie has its day.

Since I like being upfront, here it is: Left of Centre.

Seriously.

Want to grill me?

An inland letter arrived from Srinagar. An old reader. He says he was overjoyed to find my book in a store there. So am I.

I did not think I would end up answering queries by readers. Curiosity. Anger. Interest. Amusement. Sadness. They express it all.

It struck me that I should let those of you who wish to pose your queries do so. Right here. If you have read the book, then great. But don't get too specific and personal about the details. Those who have not may also ask what they want.

There are some restrictions. No abuses, just as I am not seeking flattery. Also each query, even if anonymously posted, must have a name/nick and country of residence. Mention whether you have read or not read.

Use the comment box on this post. I will compile them (if need be use the ones I have got via email too) and post it as an interview with your names and nicks.

Am not sure if it's a good idea but given that I am answering via email I may as well choose this space.

The initial posts on the Journey blog (linked on the sidebar) have some details.

Let's see how it goes.

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This post may not be formatted as I am not at the PC. Hope technology works for me better than humans have done.

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For Saturday

Song:

"Mujhe tum se kuchch bhi na chahiye
Mujhe mere haal pe chhod do..."

Weather:

November summer.

Mood:

Despondent.

Forecast:

I shall look into a kaleidoscope.

Be nice:

Hmm...er...ok...tomorrow is Sunday. Happy?

Ask the vexpert - 3

Question: Since I have been masturbating for the past six years, the size of my penis is the same. It hasn't increased in size and it's not very fat either. I am very disappointed. I am getting married next year. I am very nervous and I want to increase my penis size. Is it possible to do so with any medication? Also, is it ok to remove my underwear before sleeping?

Sexpert: Growth stops after 18 years of age. So, you will have to go to marriage with the instrument you have. You can sleep nude if you wish to do so.

Me: The problem my friend lies not with you but your penis. It suffers from low self-esteem and complete lack of ambition. Except for the Sensex that dips dangerously, almost everything shows some sort of growth. And since you have been working at it and on it, this must come as a rude shock to you. Another possibility is that it could have joined the fashion fad and believes anorexia is so in and it must blindly follow the trend. You ought to give it an ego boost and tell your P-pal that fat is the new thin. Being fat is fine as long as the cholesterol levels are within limits.

Exercise and nutrition are the best medications. Put the darn thing on a rich diet together with a few good minutes of sweating it out to build muscle tone. If need be, get a personal trainer.

Regarding removing of your underwear, you have not specified whether it is before sleeping or before going to bed. If it is before sleeping, then you may have it on while in bed and chances that you may doze off are there. In which case, the said underwear, unaware of your intentions of discarding it, may continue to cling to you. This attachment could prove to be a long-term commitment. Do make your priorities clear at the outset.

Ask the vexpert - 2

I am a 24-year-old woman. My boyfriend and I are planning to have intercourse. We aren’t going to marry each other though, because of religious differences. Are there any chances that my future husband can come to know of my sexual past?

Sexpert: Once your hymen is ruptured after intercourse, the future husband has reason to doubt you if he wishes. About safety, there is no safe day without a condom. The days during which conception is likely to occur are from the 10th day till the 15th day counting from the first day of the period.

Me: It sounds like a plan! I am glad you have realised that the below the waist area has no religion, but take care not to involve any body parts that might have any affiliation to some faith. If your future husband belongs to the same religion, and is religious, then put the fear of god in him by saying “Oh god, oh god” several times. It will work by boosting his ego and confirming your devout nature.

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I got married a few months ago and was having a healthy sexual relation with my wife. However, after moving to US a month ago, I am not getting an erection. I have tried oral sex but nothing has happened. I have the desire for sex but no proper erection. What can I do to remedy this?

Sexpert: Have your blood sugar (diabetes) checked. If it is normal, identify tensions, etc., that can temporarily lead to the problem. Take a few days off and relax. If you don't feel better see a sexologist.

Me: Get yourself a good lawyer. You are well within your rights to sue the US government. However, considering your wife does not have erection problems, her having no such function to perform, your case could be weakened. You will need to ask her to fake a problem or pretend to have a penis. Regarding oral activity, I suggest you start campaigning for one of the candidates; you could also try dressing up as a Somali war chief. The best remedy though is to leave America and move to China. As you know their population is not the result of immaculate conception. It is very likely that following the herd mentality you will succeed, for they have‘elections’ lound the clock.

Jemima does Mush

Since I am not a Pakistani journalist, I need not worry about Jemima Khan’s oh-oh lookie here, what I got…so here is an attempt at deconstructing THE interview…

“Much to the justifiable fury of every journalist in Islamabad, he has now granted me an exclusive half-hour interview despite or perhaps because of the fact that I have recently described him as one of the most repressive dictators Pakistan has ever known.”

Dear me, she thinks he is into masochism. Sweet.

After an hour I am shown into a huge sitting room, divided in the middle by a latticed wood screen to segregate ladies from men at more formal functions.

Really? This lattice screen thing is there also at the Pakistan High Commission in New Delhi, and ladies are sitting with men…the screen is to facilitate keeping an eye from the other side.

Musharraf enters. The last time I saw him in the flesh he was in his full army regalia. Somehow his civilian clothes have diminished him. I find his brown business suit and dainty penny loafers which have replaced the sturdy army boots almost unsettling. He seems to have lost both height and swagger. And his body language seems just a touch defensive.

So, she is playing the stereotype…army swagger, civilian clothes diminish him, blah and blah…but then she likes the swagger type.

The immaculate hair also troubles me. Boot-polish black, artfully grey at the temples, it shows signs of some work.

Yes, some men work at it, others on it, still others with it…ask the “ex”, who she mentions like a punctuation mark throughout.

Often he fails to see the irony in his own words, which can be unintentionally comic. Several times I have to suppress a smile. When confronted with the suggestion, for example, that he will have to work with a coalition government consisting of some the most infamous crooks in Pakistan, he responds with great sincerity, “I’m not running a martial law here. What can I do?” He adds, “My role as a president is simply the checks and balances – the seatbelts … a sort of father figure to the Prime Minister but I won’t have to see him for weeks.”

I am afraid the lady does not see the irony of his delicious last line.

A uniformed bearer offers fruit juice and warm roasted almonds. I down my juice in one gulp, then worry it may have looked unseemly. In the past four years I'd forgotten that Pakistani women are expected to overplay their femininity. I'm lounging like a bloke and downing pomegranate juice like lager.

Oh, cut out the act. As though you down lager at Annabel’s like a bloke. Honestly, the readers in the UK may get awfully charmed by this, but we know that the only ones who overplay their femininity are the ones who are dying to play to the gallery. Have you met the Red Bull mixed with rum ‘bibis’ in Lahore? They’d drink you under the table.

The President, it turns out, is very disappointed in me. For a moment I think I have been called to his office for a sound ticking-off. “I was disappointed. Very disappointed,” he says. “I was disappointed because you ought to be knowing our environment … what Pakistanis are like … what is our society. Well, it’s acceptable if a person has never visited Pakistan and doesn’t know Pakistan to have ideal views [presumably, he means idealistic views]. But I thought you ought to be knowing what Pakistan is … This is not an ideal society.”

Presumably, ideal also means archetype or idyllic…Also, I don’t think any head of government or state has had the courage in recent times to openly say this about his country.

As I leave he presents me with a clock inscribed "from the President of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan". It seems an inauspicious gift from a man whose time may be up.

I wish she was more graceful about it. Is it inauspicious for him? What if he still believes in himself? Is it inauspicious for her? Like, she would want the swaggering, powerful one to present it to her and not someone on the way out? Then, a clock is just a clock. It shows the time. It isn’t quite Cartier, but Ms. Jemima you may write for The Independent but how independent are you?

Ask the vexpert - 1

I do glance at the columns about emotional and sexual problems. Sometimes they are a hoot. Here is one example, the 'sexpert' answer and mine, the vexpert...

Whenever I dream about sex my underwear gets wet with sperm. Is there any chance of shortage of sperm in my future?

Sexpert: No. In fact you will have to control their activity to ensure they do not create unwanted babies.

Me: First, I would like to tell you that when you are dreaming you should stop wearing undergarments. Sperms are attracted to them, especially since in India even male ones have names like Roopa etc. It is entirely possible that it might result in pregnancy of the said garment. If you take the precautionary step of not wearing it, then the sperm might fall. Usually fallen sperm do not survive if they are falling from a height. Since I do not know how tall you are, I am assuming there will be some height to take into account. These dead sperm should then be given a decent funeral, depending on your cultural or religious customs.

Regarding your query about future shortage, I suggest you store these before the fall. It might be a bit of a long drawn-out operation but you do not want to stand in the ration line later in life, do you?

Of course, we are again assuming that there are considerable numbers of potent sperms in whatever is being ejected. Since there is no way of returning them to their rightful place, you might want to freeze them. They might produce hardened generations of leaders who could probably withstand extreme climates on the Siachen Border, which will still be under dispute, or take the cold vibes produced by the socio-political-economic environment.

At the end, I can only ask you to stop dreaming about sex. Maybe if you think about the sensex your ardour will dip.

Dis n dat

Someone sent me a link to some excerpts of an interview of ‘Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi’ in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. It is a known fact that most interviewers don’t bother to counter-question. After reading those bits, I don’t think “The lady's like a sailor!” She is just vocabulary-ly challenged.

Here are some of her replies. There are a few counter-queries I would pose, if I were the one conducting the interview.

PL: On the Top Chef Emmy nomination: "[It] was a big fucking deal.”

Me: Erm…was that the deal?

PL: On life without her ex-husband, Salman Rushdie: "I'm really fucking sad."

Me: Bad for the guy you are with. It means you are sorrowful while at it, right?

PL: On her new cookbook: "Finishing the fucking book was like being in labor for two years!”

Me: Shouldn’t you have worn a condom?

PL: On hosting dinner party: "I pulled this out of my ass."

Me: Is that why the guests called it shit?

PL: On an AIDS charity she supports: "…we’re doing a campaign and an event and you should buy a fucking table.”

Me: Are you trying to say if you do it on the table, then you ain’t get no AIDS, but AIDS gets aid?

PL: On telling the press if she had a boyfriend: "My husband would call fucking Reuters."

Me: So, everytime you and Salman were at it, he said “Let’s Reuters”?

PL: On a tabloid's coverage of her bra size: "…they said it was 36C. I said, 34C, motherfucker!”

Me: Does it not mean that mamma-obsessed tabloid fellows like it bigger?

PL: On her current living situation: "Now I’m staying in a fucking hotel with all my shit in storage."

Me: Are you saying you live like a stowaway in your own room?

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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt plan to buy an Ethiopia-shaped house in Dubai. For those who don’t know, these are private islands with an exclusive beach and strip of sea where you can live in ultimate luxury. The mansion and surroundings will have the concept of particular country. Many Hollywood biggies have already bought such homes. I find the Jolie-Pitt move insensitive.

This is like making a spectacle of a country that has suffered politically, economically and socially. What is the point adopting children when you are going to treat this as some farce? Ooh, we will take Ethiopia so baby Zahara can romp in the silken sands and we can sun-bathe?

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End Quote

“ Philanthropy seems to me to have become simply the refuge of people who wish to annoy their fellow-creatures.”

- Oscar Wilde