Opinion Polls, NOTA and Intellectual Waste

The word 'ban' is so potent that even those who do not know what is going on suddenly become agitated. Needless to say, these are what we charmingly refer to as the cream of society. This is not elite in the posh sense. You will find crumpled kurtas, jholawaalas, bidi-smokers, Old Monk drinkers in this crowd. Should you dare to even want a discussion, you will be deemed a conservative.

Now, here comes the rub. The rightwing political groups are part of the move against the ban on opinion polls.

Reportage and commentary have stuck to two neat divides of to ban and not to ban.

It is the AICC that has asked the Election Commission for "restriction on their [poll findings] publication and dissemination during elections". Congress party general secretary Digvijay Singh said:

“...These have become a farce. They should be banned altogether. The kind of complaints, information that I have got show that anybody can pay and get a survey as desired...In a country of 1.2 billion people, how can a few thousand people predict the trend. It has become a racket. So many groups have sprung up.”

One may have issues with the man, and also accept the possibility that the party is responding in such a manner because some trends are going against them. However, it is typically churlish to suggest that it is due to fear of Modi, especially as in the past the BJP too had problems with such polls.

Not so now. Narendra Modi is agitated by this undemocratic behaviour:

"Those who have followed Indian politics and the workings of the Congress party after Independence would agree that the stand of the Congress Party does not come as a surprise. The biggest casualty of the Congress Party’s arrogance while in power and its tendency to trample over Institutions has been our Fundamental Right to Free Speech."

How much of freedom of speech and expression could he possibly believe in when his government has banned the screening of films and art galleries have been destroyed in his state? Perhaps he should have asked for opinion polls to find put the public reaction. He has issues with the occasion when there was a clampdown on the social media. It is only natural for him to have expressed "solidarity" because most of the accounts were part of the disruption process. These same accounts are out to discredit anyone who exposes their government and ministers.

It does not in any manner imply that other political parties are not prone to such muzzling, but do we really consider such chaos as democratic?

To digress: The Congress came up with the ridiculous suggestion that the marshes in Madhya Pradesh should be covered because the lotuses in them would be publicity for the BJP election symbol and against the campaign rules. This is asinine, and the party was called out on it.

Modi further writes:

"My concern is not limited to this proposal to ban opinion polls. Tomorrow, the Congress may seek a ban on articles, editorials and blogs during election time on the very same grounds. If they lose an election they may then seek a ban on the Election Commission and if the Courts do not support them then they may say why not ban the courts! After all this a Party that resorted to imposing the Emergency in response to an inconvenient Court Verdict."

A politician will target only his immediate opponents, notwithstanding the fact that he will camouflage it as a principled stand.

There is a rather misguided perception that this amounts to banning opinion. It does not. Polls are based only on random selection. Everybody knows that, like rigging at booths, these too can be manufactured, especially since today the process has gained a certain sex appeal where titillation works. So, you have trends that do not commit and talk about a wave and sway. This is really devious, for they are wiling to to play into selective hands until they can retain the primetime slot. There is nothing to lose for the sponsors, because the end result can be attributed to several aspects, including low voter turnout due to everything from climatic to anti-climactic factors.

If they are so useless, then why want to do away with them at all? My reasoning is that it once again props up a limited number of people as the constituency and the deciding factors. The impact works as auto-suggestion, and we have the great Indian middle-class with its online shopping and yuppie dreams believing in any spectacle.

It is particularly important this time — whether during the upcoming Assembly polls or the general elections next year — for it has become a circus where the competition is between acrobats and clowns. Arvind Kejriwal has used his now-patented idea of having transparency. How can there be transparency in opinion polls? They are safe, for they do not stick their necks out.

To the hyperventilating suggestion that this could be a prelude to banning of other forms of expression, it has been done before and not because of opinion polls. (Not too long ago, a spoof site on Modi was blocked.) The media is often restricted due to commercial considerations that want to cozy up to certain political groups. This is an ongoing bias. However, a reading of any analysis is most certainly less random and quite clearly an opinion. The right to reject that viewpoint is embedded in it.

One cannot say the same about opinion polls where amidst charts and chants you are being bulldozed into believing something that may not even be an outright lie, forget the truth.

Rather interestingly, the Election Commission has confirmed the new symbol for the 'None of the Above' option, where voters reject all the candidates.

Is NOTA an opinion? It sounds good on paper. But it won't have an impact.

The EC has already clarified that the candidate securing the highest number of votes would be declared elected even if the number of electors going for the NOTA option surpassed the votes polled by the electoral contestants.

There goes the non vote. NOTA is a wasted opinion, and chances are that those who have made this choice would publicly claim otherwise, if the party that comes to power looks cosmetically good. Will those who opted for NOTA come out and claim to be votaries of it?

In some ways, the rejection of all candidates is a rejection of the electoral process. If no one is good enough, then just boycott. 'None of the above' reeks of self-righteousness, rather than an opinion.

© Farzana Versey

Manufacturing the Greatest Indian

Do we know about who is the greatest Indian before Mahatma Gandhi?

It does not matter. We live in iconic times with iconic figure who did iconic things and deserve iconic status through iconic surveys. So, the question for a survey (TGI) “Based on an internationally acclaimed format by BBC held in 22 countries” is “Who is the greatest Indian after Mahatma Gandhi?” It is no surprise that it is a media-propped poll and “the initiative is to select that one great Indian after Mahatma Gandhi who is the most influential, iconic & inspirational and has impacted your life”.

There could be quite a few or perhaps none of the fifty names mentioned. But why is Gandhiji the cut-off date? I can understand the use of a term like “post-Independence”. If he is the benchmark, then what are the variables by which we are to judge industrialists, sportspersons, actors, scientists, musicians, activists or even politicians? Do they have to be ‘Gandhian’? If not, then does it not nullify the yardstick of the chosen iconoclasm?

Besides, how do we define an Indian as great? Due to their origin or their contribution to what is the ‘essential’ India, and that may be far removed from those featured here?

Indira Gandhi

It is ironical that Indira Gandhi, who had declared Emergency, shares the space with Jayprakash Narayan, who bitterly opposed it and suffered for it? The acquisitive business people stand along with the ones who gave it all up.

Vinoba Bhave

How do we judge? Will the general pool reflect how people feel, and I am not taking into account those that cannot vote by giving a missed call.

The media partners will have a good time. They will be in charge of the decision-making process. Primetime and newsprint will bring you the ‘news’, and then there will be analyses. As for the token of the title, there will be comparisons and whoever makes it will in some way be given a Gandhian rubdown.

The India that existed and flourished in the past does not exist. The India where discoveries were made, art and literature flourished, and political strategy was as crucial as swordsmanship, that India does not exist in the finger-wagging and tapping world. How can they say your vote counts, when they have already decided on the broad spectrum of who matters?

The luminaries are pretty much great in their fields, but what was relevant in say the 50s does not apply to those who came in later. Is there no difference between scoring a hundred tons and working among lepers? Is there no qualitative difference between a Dr. B. R. Ambedkar and a Kanshi Ram? How does Atal Bihari Vajyapee feature for being loved by both admirers and opponents, when that is how politics works?

Achievements are now propped up by commercial interests as they were probably ideologically exaggerated in the old days. Today’s greatness rests on success; yesterday’s on making inroads.

Is Mahatma Gandhi in any way a unifying force? The symbolism of the name is, of course, canny marketing. But it leaves one wondering as to whether the greatest Indian – whoever she or he may be – will also be one who has been truly great for India. If so, then what aspect of India? Ask no questions. A pedestal awaits. Your vote will give you a chance to be part of the icon factory.

(c) Farzana Versey

Authors and Mummies

Forget a chair named after you at a tony university. Several dead bodies can soon claim to have been at your place if you have the honour to win the online poll for the best crime writer. Ten authors have signed up for the ‘Million for a Morgue’ campaign. Those who get the most votes will have a morgue named after them. Dundee's Centre for Anatomy and Human Identification (CAHID) in Scotland needs £2m; it has contributed half the amount. The rest will come from the vote, where each voter chips in £1. This is to facilitate a special embalming facility for research.

I assume the writers have decided to participate out of a genuine need for academic excellence in the field of such scientific endeavour. One of them has probably done it out of gratitude. Val McDermid often tapped Prof. Sue Black of the Centre for her own research. As she recalls:

"I remember asking her what a body would look like once it had been in a peat bog for 200 years. There was a moment's silence on the phone and then she said: 'A leather bag with a face on'. And that was perfect because that gave me an image I could put in my book."

We can take this further and have restaurants, stadia, bats and balls, strip clubs, even a specific love-making position named after authors. I can’t wait.

It raises the question about what could motivate readers to vote. Would it be like any popular poll where you choose your favourite crime writer? Or, since the purpose is not a secret, will the person contributing the money be interested in the Centre’s plans and therefore keep this in mind and choose an author whose work is the most macabre and deadly?

What if after winning the author has second thoughts about the naming? Would that not amount to letting down the readers who voted? Do writers crave fame and not mind such an honour? But, are not death and murder the territories they stalk in their literary endeavour?

However, it might be a good idea if the morgue is named after a character from a thriller. Better still, it could just be called ‘Crime Writers’ Mummies’.

Lindt it or lump it?

Minarets don’t really float my boat, but to ban them? That too in Switzerland by a referendum from the people. 57.5 percent voted in favour. It has been opposed by the Swiss government, parliament, business groups and churches but given the thumbs up by the Right wing Swiss People’s Party.

Here are a few issues raised and it reveals the hollowness that has come to apply to political discourses:

There are only four minarets among the tens of thousands of church spires in Switzerland but the SVP campaigned against them as a symbol of Islamic political influence, which it claimed could eventually undermine the nation's Christian values and democracy.

Since when has Switzerland become a Christian nation? Values cannot be politicised. Minarets do not stand for political influence. Muslims constitute about five percent of the population, and they are mostly from East Europe which can hardly claim to be symbols of Islam.

The spires are traditionally used to make the call for prayers at mosques but Swiss noise control regulations have already stopped them from being used for that purpose; instead, they became an architectural symbol of the Islamic faith. The ban on minarets does not stop the building of mosques, and Muslims were still free to practise their faith.

This is weird. A muezzin could shout from atop a dome as well. And what about church bells? Personally, I am against the call to the faithful at unearthly hours and would rather they invest in alarm clocks, but to use this as a stick to beat a community with is ridiculous.

Embarrassed government spokesmen agreed that the ban would "serve the interests of extremist circles" only, and Foreign Minister Micheline Calmy-Rey claimed that a yes vote "could make Switzerland a target for Islamic terrorism".

Wow. Even when they are decrying the ban, they are slyly suggesting that this could result in a backlash. Did they want it? Switzerland was not attacked in the two world wars. During the First war, Lenin lived there; it managed to remain unscathed during the WW 11 by playing along with the Germans, although it did not fall into the Nazi trap.

If it has managed to work its way around such major upheavals in history what is the fear now? Mosques have been attacked these past two weeks.

Ulrich Schluer, an SVP politician has been holding forth:

"We compare our situation to Germany, France or England and the problems they have in their suburbs. That is what we do not want here. Mosques are not part of freedom of religion. This is not against Islam. The minaret is a symbol . . . of conquest and power, which marks the will to introduce Shariah law as in other European cities. We will not accept that".

Obviously, someone needs a few lessons in history. How is it not against Islam if it assumes that Shariah law will be introduced? Civil society building mosques is going to now connote conquest?

The problem is that many of these nations will market their goods, send their expertise to Arab countries and bask in the special privileges they get there, but at home they treat immigrants with suspicion.

I have already talked about the breach in the White House security. This was no terrorist attack.

I understand the need for societies to retain their own identity, but what can five per cent of the population do? Are we trying to use examples of a few terrorists? There is no way to justify those acts, but how many people are gunned down in campuses, how many people are murdered, how many fanatics of different stripes – and not just religion – walk around selling their ideologies? What about those versions of ‘shariah’? No one can impose a religious law in a democracy. This bogey is deliberately created to marginalise some groups.

Businesses such as watch-maker Swatch and Switzerland's famous banking industry said they feared the ban could provoke expensive boycotts by Muslims around the world, while the Swiss government warned it could inflame tensions between religions.

Oh, sure. This is what the business lot would be concerned about. Here is news. Muslims, the real rich ones, are the Arabs. They will not boycott anything so long as it is kosher. Trade will continue. If they just kept quiet and went about with their Alps and stopped getting all jittery about something rising up towards the sky, there would be no problems. The rowdies may come out in the streets and make a noise. This seems deliberate.

In the form of direct referendum to get views, they could have asked people about more pressing issues. Why did they choose this? To please the rest of Europe? France, Germany? Perhaps the country should take a good look at itself and watch how the different sections of its own French and German sides are disparate and have an ongoing quiet battle on between them.

I only hope Muslims forget about it as a bad joke and go on with their jobs. They do work too, you know? And the Swiss can be certain that at least one Muslim here has worshipped at the altar of Sprungli. And will continue to do so.

Awards Knights and Knaves

Maverick: Some reflections on genuflection to the West
By Farzana Versey
Covert July 1-15

She was the dark horse. Yet, she made it. She won by some 47 per cent. The mainstream newspaper decided they wanted to know a bit about the Indian woman. Not the whole of her. Just her butt.

The benchmark is not our temple sculptures, but Jennifer Lopez. Why? Because those mute sculptures are not selling you anything; a Hollywood star is. The perfect bahu who dresses like one at home suddenly begins to show off cleavage and back and biceps sweeping along the red carpet. Our saree is not considered chic enough until a foreign model walks it in with an ungainly stride. I won’t even get into our designers and their Fall collections.

We play along with the Western archetype of beauty and brains and pop nationalism, too. Had an ‘authority figure’ been pontificating about poverty in one of our academic institutions, he would be considered just another jholawalla; the tweed jacket makes for a brilliant contrast and, strangely enough, additional clout.

A serious academic analysis is not the same as making it to one of the lists. We have these lists of most beautiful, the sexiest, the hottest, with no room for cultural differences. Dictators make it to the Time magazine list as do peaceniks. Sometimes, a homely girl from Sunday Mass manages to catch the eye of a maverick international director.

One would think that the underdog is having her day. It is quite something else – about how achievement is measured today. There was a time not too long ago when you had to do something in your field, maybe even sleep with the enemy, but that too was counted as occupational hazard. These days, you can just use your fingers. Whether it is to make the right phone calls or send text messages.

For all those who get into patriotic paroxysms over cricketers not being around to receive their Padma Awards, and they ought to be there, it certainly does not qualify as an insult. The insult is when these awards are given to special people with special strings being pulled. It is the sarkari mentality.

Actress Rekha refused a Lifetime Achievement award because she said it conveyed that all her work was behind her and she wasn’t quite done yet. This ought to have been seen as a tantrum. Instead, the organisation changed the name of the award to accommodate her whims.

Can anyone respect such accolades?

The other strategy, exceedingly wicked in intent, is when encomiums are showered with dollops of magnanimity, the sort that conveys the little people are being given their crumbs of the pie.

Nujood Ali was one of the recipients last year of the annual Women of the Year Awards, sponsored by Glamour magazine and L’Oreal, that pays tribute to women who have made major contributions to entertainment, business, sport, fashion, science and politics.

What was her achievement? Being a Yemeni child bride who refused to marry a man thrice her age. It is a bit dicey to accept at face value that a kid who was abused went to court. The people responsible for handing these awards ought to know that a 10-year-old is not a woman. Why don’t they pick up some Hollywood teen star who has been abused and fought back, and there are numerous examples? She is from none of the fields mentioned. What if the media had not made her into a celebrity?

It is a source of discomfort to watch such unabashed exploitation, that too under the garb of honouring the person. Does she represent true woman power? Would she influence people? Or become just another puppet touted by the fashion industry? Is there a catch – show me your hair?

Unlike the other prominent award winners like Tyra Banks for charity, Hillary Clinton for inspiring generations of women and actress Nicole Kidman for her work with the UN Development Fund for Women, Nujood Ali was a mere totem of the veiled young girl.

And with Barack Obama’s patronising acceptance of the hijaab there will be several more such honours flashily telling the world who is boss. For every knight, there has got to be a knave.

These are a few of my favourite things?

There was this questionnaire from a serious source. They thought I was a serious client and they wanted my feedback to make sure I remained serious.

After a series of serious questions about what I thought about them, their work, their ability to satisfy me (I love this), they asked me stuff about my favourite things. I have a few favourite things but with mood swings I like a bit of change…anyhow, I decided to sound serious.

I will skip the usual ones…then they got me to thingies:

Watches: Patek Phillipe, Tissot.

My reputation was at stake or else I would have said Chunibhai’s shop, where I got that big one with a purple dial that does not work and cost me 250 rupees.

Cuisine: I lay it on…French, Thai, Mexican, South Indian, Italian, Chinese, Tibetan, Burmese, Nepali, Burkano Fasoan, Frontier (yo, mah jihadi basic instincts)…okay four of them I did not mention.

What I wanted to say? A regular supply of chocolate walnut brownie with triple scoop ice-cream and Bailey’s Irish cream and sprinkled with nuts.

Favourite apparel: None. Really. I said it. Now the envelope has been sealed and delivered.

Pity they didn’t ask about favourite position. I guess their zeal wasn’t missionary enough to get a woman on top to fess up about how every doggie has its day.

Since I like being upfront, here it is: Left of Centre.

Seriously.

Of Scapegoats and Separatists

Set the poll rolling

Of Scapegoats and Separatists
by Farzana Versey
The News International, May 14, 2009

Mirwaiz Umer Farooq's cap is symbolic. The story goes that the minute he reaches Delhi, he wants to take it off. It isn't capitulation, but the heavy burden that was thrust on him after his father's death when he was just 17; Mirwaiz is an inherited religious position. The nerd-like chief of the All Parties Hurriyat Conference's moderate faction has to be moderate, religious, leader and separatist. It is a whole lot of eggs in one basket, a basket made of the thinnest straw.

All the separatist leaders are walking on eggshells. The roots of Kashmiri separatism are embedded in the Indian Constitution. At the time it was a case of no options, now it is a tool to chisel or hammer as the occasion demands. All this talk of resolution is just talk.

Until now it was only the politicians who took the high moral ground. Now, militant organisations too have joined in. It isn't anymore about democracy versus separatism, but 'show old women being carried to voting booths' democracy versus 'poll boycott' democracy.

Sajjad Lone decides to contest elections from Baramullah. Instead of giving a straightforward reason, he says, "morally it was impossible for me to continue without seeing if I enjoy people's support."

This would be seen as a moderate stand. Let us rewind to 2002. His father Abdul Gani Lone was killed. He who had made it clear he had nothing to do with the Indian government was being touted by the then Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee as the "lone moderate voice". The PM from a blatantly Hindutva party was handing a posthumous certificate to a blatantly separatist leader who had once commented that his life was in danger "wherein many guns work at the same time."

Sajjad says today: "At the end of the day, the man who takes up the gun is responsible for his own actions. We can't criticise them because we are not risking our lives, but, as a Kashmiri, I feel politics should have a much bigger role in the current world scenario."

It would be premature to see this as a cop-out. No militant has ever asked to be shielded and, whether they carry guns or not, people are put behind bars.

I do not know what Sajjad's idea of morality is and why it is so important when the ground realities require a bit more than kahwah for the soul. Will he be indebted to Chief Minister Omar Abdullah, whose father Dr. Farooq had cut down the senior Lone's security by half when he was in cahoots with the NDA government? Seriously, what morals are we discussing? When did the National Conference last talk about bringing peace to Kashmir with the Hurriyat?

Omar Abdullah who is sitting in as CM - and, make no mistake, this is a papa-run enterprise for after he was sworn in, the father started humming the song, "Papa kehte hai bada naam karega, beta hamara aisa kaam karega..." - has clearly said there is nothing like soft separatism. "We believe autonomy is the way forward. And it is within the constitution."

So, why is he a legitimate leader and the others separatists? They all talk about better roads, education, and employment. How many pay heed to the figures of undertrials given by human rights organisations? Separatism in some areas is seen as the ideal, many 'innocent civilians' are in fact supporters of militancy. Local organisations in the Kashmir Valley were the result of disgruntled groups who waited for some solution. They were young people who had seen members of their families killed. I emphasise young because these polls are about youth icons and almost all the leaders in Kashmir fit the bill.

During the last assembly elections, the venerable Times of India got a market research agency to survey young people in various cities on the Kashmir issue. Rather tellingly, Kashmir was not on the list. Jammu was. Their questions were of the kneejerk variety: Should India let go of Kashmir? Has Kashmir been pampered by the Centre? Can it ever be integrated into the mainstream? Should India hold on to it whatever the cost? If Kashmir secedes, would it be under greater threat?

68% wanted Kashmir, even though it has been neglected by the Centre and yet they believed that it could be integrated into the mainstream. Why did the poll not spell out clearly what it conveys? Are we talking about scrapping Article 370 so that our yuppies can invest in property for their sloping-down-the-Gulmarg-snow moment?

Although 59 per cent said they wanted India to keep Kashmir even if the human and economic costs were high, they felt that Kashmir's secession would be a greater risk to the country. Great urban analysis. Let our soldiers and civilians die, let the country spend a fortune protecting a weak border. Why? Because the threat is less than if the Kashmiris were to leave to start on their own. What does this mean? If the threat is after they have left, then we are under less threat now? Does this imply that the Kashmir issue is not such a big problem and the Kashmiris are just fine? Therefore, someone has been making scapegoats of them all these years!

Urban stupidity was in full public view because the newspaper carried a picture of protestors in Srinagar that went against its own poll findings.

This is even more relevant in these general elections. Interestingly, commentators on national television are suggesting that there should be a separate box in booths in the whole country for the electorate to vote for 'no candidate'. What right do we then have to question a poll boycott in Kashmir, which says the same thing, only in a less sophisticated way? Cynicism and protest aren't the prerogative of pontificators.

Election hiccups!

Poll time is the best time to get a peek into the premium each state places on what. The fact that something like this can be so blatant should tell us that voting is only a ritual. Here is a picture and the caption says it all:

In Kerala, a state that tops in liquor consumption, a bottle goes a long way. A rate card put up by the Kottayam Election Workers’ Union is proof:

Painting graffiti and sticking posters: Rs 500 + pint (half a bottle)

Defacing rival posters: Rs 1000 + full bottle

For spreading rumours that a candidate is going to win: Rs 2,500 + 1 litre

For spreading rumours that the rival candidate will lose: Rs 5,000 + 2 litres

My dear Varun Gandhi…

You naughty boy! What a nice little roundabout way to get Muslim votes. What did you say? You said what would swell the heart of any Saudi – that you would cut the hand of “anyone who raises a finger towards Hindus”. This is not in the Hindu shastras or the Indian Constitution; you are following primitive Islamic laws banned in most Muslim countries. Bravo…

At the same time you said:

“They have scary names - Karimullah, Nazarullah - its scary to see them at night…………… When my cousin who is seven-eight years old, saw Samajwadi Party's candidate's photo, she said Bhaiya (big brother), I didn't know that Osama Bin Laden is fighting from your constituency”.

Maan gaye ustaad…you know all these mullahs are trying to distance themselves from Osama, so the thought of little eight-year-old girl being scared of large section of population will bring out motherly instincts of all the Darul-Uloom types…and they do look frightening at night. You did not say day. See? You are conveying that in darkness everything looks different; we must see the light.

You called Muslims “katuas”; you were saying the obvious – circumcised. I don’t understand why these television anchors have suddenly become so demure and say they cannot even utter these derogatory words; these same channels used to reproduce Bal Thackeray’s speeches where he screamed the word all the time.

I think you are right. This is a political conspiracy against you.

"I am a proud Gandhi, an Indian and a Hindu in equal measure.”

This, I am afraid, you cannot be. It has to be 33.99 per cent or something each. Alumni of the posh Sanawar School are not supposed to be good with numbers, so it is okay.

"Nothing I have said was to incite anybody. There is a rigorous attempt to malign my faith, each time anyone tries to identify with Hinduism, he is being branded communal. I am pro-India, I am not against anybody.”

Look at your party. Even the BJP is anti-India then, they are not standing up for you. But you know what? It is all a smart strategy. They are using you and you are using them.

If the Election Commission debars you, then you have two years to practise your skills. This one speech has brought you in the foreground; the BJP is happy but won’t show it. They have got a lot of attention and are now speaking through both sides of their mouths – one is the Hindutva side; the other the secular side.

Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi (if he had “ullah” in his name would you be scared of him?) said that your speech is part of your Congress family legacy…he is not wrong. Your father Sanjay was known for carrying out lots of forced family planning measures, bulldozing slums…

On the positive side it also means that you have left room for your entry into that party too. The Congress needs Hindu votes; it also needs a Gandhi who is not just breaking bread with Dalits. And the fact that your mummyji is keeping quiet could help you – she can flash her Sikh card and 1984 won’t trouble the Congress.

I am telling you, this is a good time for you, as the astrologers would say. Rahu-Ketu, Shani-Ravi all are in alignment and you can swing anyway you want.

Er, Jai Sri Ram!

PS: I liked your reference to cutting off heads of “katuas”. Nice touch.

News meeows - 19

In a radically new move, the army has decided to screen candidates for soldiership through a written examination first, followed by a physical test. Only those who clear the written test will be allowed to appear in physical test and interview before the final selection. However, even though we aim to attract sharp-minded people, physical parameters for recruits remain the same, Major Kaushik Sarbadhikari, spokesperson of the recruiting office.

The headline is deceptive. Written tests are about general questions. They might reveal knowledge, not sharp-mindedness, which is how you think when you are faced with a situation or in action. And let us face it, being in the army for the majority of jawans on the front, means how to manoeuvre their way through rough terrain, handle arms and use them.

It says the formula is meant not only to attract sharp people but to eliminate incidents of stampede during recruitment rallies

If you ask me, these should be televised so that people can see how popular it is to join the forces, instead of those public service campaigns asking young people to serve the country. We like herds. Just watch them at bargain sales. Same principle applies everywhere.

However, I do not understand: Are those who have passed the written test less prone to pushing and shoving?

45% of girls married off before 18

Child marriage was banned in 1929, but it continues. We still see pictures in the papers. These are age-old practices and the law can do precious little. What is needed is education and a ground-level movement.

There is a tele-serial being aired called Ballika Vadhu; it is hugely popular and I must say it is well-made. The message against child marriage is flashed at the end, but when you see this cute child couple it does not make it look as horrendous as it is. This is dangerous. Worse, the young daughter of the rich family has become a widow and has chosen to be secluded.

Throughout she was shown as a carefree girl, asking questions, being allowed to do what she wants, with progressive parents. Now, only because her husband was killed on his way to take her home after she came of age, she has chosen this life of prayer and sleeping on the floor.

It gives out a completely wrong message.

In fact, here social class has little to do with how the girl is treated. The higher the class, the greater the clutch of customs. The poor think this is the model to follow…it is a vicious circle and we cannot talk about a New India till we get rid of the old.

Jai ho...hum...

The Congress Party has bought the rights to the Jai Ho song for its election campaign.

What a pathetic thing to do. True, it is written and composed by Indians, but you are buying it from an outsider. India will have the anthem of how the world sees it and not how we are or want to be. It also reveals the paucity of original thinking. We have enough writers who could come up with some slogan/anthem for the party. But, no, it has to be the tweedle-dum, tweedle-dee Jai Ho.

The response from the Opposition is equally amusing. BJP leader, Prakash Javdekar, said:

“This song will ensure their defeat because it will remind every Indian that millions of people still have to stay in slums because of faulty Congress policies.”

Still? When was the NDA in power? No slums then? And every Indian has watched the film? The Congress plans to play this ditty (yes, I can only refer to it as that) in rural areas and small towns. I don’t think people there would have watched the movie, or that slums would affect them. Who knows, this might be the millionaire moment being shoved down those poor throats…hey, you live in a hovel, no water, no nothing, good…send SMS to a reality quiz show and become a hero. What an idea, sirji…

Heave ho.

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Would this man, a bade baap ka beta being launched as hero, be carrying these kids in his arms had they not become famous?

I had said I was sick of the Slumdog Millionaire titbit and here I am…mea culpa.

Fine, they are making their debut as themselves. Returning from the Oscars win they are targeted by bombers…

I hear that little Rubina Ali has said she does not want to lead the life she led anymore because of what she experienced in the US. Had this girl not seen big cars and big houses when she got out on the roads in Mumbai? Did she not envy those or aspire to that? Has the very idea of aspiration been imported? Or is the West playing up to this?

Then there is talk about the greed of Mohammed Azharuddin and his father who have been demanding more money.

So? What about our pampered film stars? One feeble hit and they up their price. Look at that other child, Darsheel Safary of Taare Zameen Par. Rs. 1.50 crore is his demand and he is getting it. He really hasn’t been tried and tested well enough in other films and yet he is talking big money.

If the whole world is making using of these slum kids, then why not they themselves? It is a lesson at least they learned in the streets among the garbage bins and not by asking their secretaries to negotiate. There have been instances when superstars have refused to come out of their vanity vans unless their demands are met.

It isn’t all good anyway, but then nothing surrounding the Slumdog hype is.

What does the Supreme Court have to hide about Godhra/Gujarat?

How supreme is the Supreme Court and what ethical values must it follow? This question arises because it is said that the highest judicial authority in the land is not making public what is termed as a “caustic” report on the Godhra/Gujarat probe.

The SC has sought a response from the Modi government within four weeks. It posted further hearing on the matter on April 13. However, it decided to keep under seal another “confidential” report submitted by the five member Raghavan committee, which contained inferences about the manner in which the state police had investigated these sensitive cases immediately after 2002.

The SC also observed that there would be no interference in the work of the Special Investigative Team (SIT), which could further probe the cases. It also said the composition of the five-member team would remain unaltered. The SIT was appointed by the SC after complaints by the riot victims and the National Human Rights Commission (NHRC) that there had been no proper probe and fair trial in the riot cases.

It is for the last statement that one wonders about the prudence of the SC to keep the matter secret. The fact that the appointment of further investigations was made by the people affected makes it a public issue that needs complete transparency.

Whoever has been indicted, there is no reason for the court to protect the individuals/organisations. There has been a reference to the forthcoming elections; I’d say making the report pubic would not make much of a difference. Most people vote for selfish reasons and not to see that justice is meted out to other groups, unless they are a part of that group.

Please let us not forget that many well-off Muslims in Gujarat, including one whose house was burned down, have happily spoken up for “moving on” so long as their businesses are back on track.

It is the poor, displaced and voiceless who need to be heard. And it is the business of the Supreme Court to release the findings, however caustic they may be. This sounds rather bizarre that the SC is using such an adjective as an excuse to keep something that has shaken up the country confidential.

Is there any guarantee that during the course of further findings some sharp shooter – and powerful person with access to the report – decides not to tamper with it and we again have the same old game of how the Establishment is victorious and therefore not culpable?

This is shameful and one hopes more voices are raised, voices that do not have any axe to grind and use the victims for their ‘concern industry’. Pardon the cynicism but we have seen it all, have we not?

Advani sells himself to Pakistan

A Pakistani website is a rather unusual place to find an advertisement of BJP leader L K Advani campaigning for the forthcoming Lok Sabha polls. But there he is in the online edition of Dawn, Pakistan’s premier English newspaper, with the slogan: ‘Advani for PM’.

Good show. Wonder why. Here some of us end up writing for Pakistani papers and there is a hue and cry and this man hawks himself in a newspaper started by Mohammed Ali Jinnah. Are Pakistanis going to vote for him? Does he imagine that Indian Muslims will be impressed? What is the smart idea?

And why does the newspaper publish this ad? Does it have no ethical bone in its body? You publish reports where you say that Kasab is a Pakistani, so should that country promote our leaders and get into a tangle? What is going on? Who is Dawn to sell the idea of who the Indian PM should be?

Is this a paid ad? Were regular charges applied? Are there no standards applied to advertising?

And does Mr. Advani not have any moral qualms about this? If Pakistan is sponsoring terrorism, then how dare he use their largest selling English daily as a forum for his political ambitions?

This is shameless behaviour.

When Kalyan Singh cries

Former UP CM Kalyan Singh took “moral responsibility” for the Babri mosque demolition in 1992. He claimed Muslims do not see him as anti-minority, as he had never discriminated against them during his tenure.

“Letters and phone calls are coming in hordes not just from Hindus but also from Muslims who have hailed my decision to quit the BJP and also the coming together of two politicians (him and Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav),” he said.

This is worse than Uma Bharti’s here now, there then stand. By taking moral responsibility, he is only playing politics. Uttar Pradesh is a huge arena and this move can be hugely decisive, not because Kalyan Singh is of any consequence, but because he is of no consequence.

He will be the soft totem who is now weeping crocodile tears over the Babri demolition (and they say I have no business to keep remembering that event) when he stood by his stand and that of the BJP all along. The Muslims of UP, if they are indeed sending him letters and calling him up to hail the decision to quit the BJP, are probably Mulayam Singh Yadav’s sycophants. Perhaps Amar Singh has fattened his pockets and gifted him one of those safari suits with big buttons.

Look forward to some other unusual alliances in the near future. It is time these politicians stopped banking on the Muslim vote. And it is time for Muslims to use their brains and vote according to what works for them in larger terms, not some sops thrown their way.

Kalyan Singh is a fraud. And the Samajwadi Party has turned out to be a gallery of rogues.

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And while we are in UP, saw this picture with the caption:

A performer at a show held in Lucknow to popularise pole dancing

Why? Is pole dancing part of Lucknow culture? Did the nawaabs get nautch girls to twirl round those huge pillars in their palaces, which might explain the thunder thighs? I am not being a prude, but when we look down on mujra and even the classical form of Kathak, this is a bit strange.

India's external and internal affairs

Where are the citizens’ groups now? Where is their anger? External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee has said, “We have received information from our High Commissioner in Islamabad that they (Pakistan) have started the process. Let us see how much time they take.”

This is a bit too cute. Or is there something else? The Mumbai carnage became a focal point; the world was at our doorstep; everyone was getting hot and bothered; so many candles were wasted; obfuscation tactics were adopted; we suddenly realised that we had been damaged.

Now, after blaming Pakistan unofficially, the man who is in charge of such things is going to wait and watch?

When asked if Pakistan was testing India’s patience, he said, “It takes time. Diplomatic performance cannot be like switch on and switch off.”

So, India hands over some papers, asks for investigations “in a sincere, transparent and verifiable” manner, expects that to happen and sits back.

The citizens of India want to know what those “some papers” are. We want to know how the foreign minister is talking diplomacy in a situation that calls for action, whoever it might be against. We want to know the exact role of the United States in this.

Now that the tamasha of ‘enough is enough’ has died down, all those people are back wrapped in their winter holiday mood, having made their appearance in glossies. They don’t have the courage to ask the tough questions.

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The fallout is that the industry bigwigs are running the BJP campaign. Narendra Modi’s Gujarat has become an asylum for their factories. This is sickening. I had already talked about how Ratan Tata’s Nano was the smartest move going. The rest will follow.

With such backing, these powerful people will easily manage to get all those Gateway of India wallahs to vote for the Hindutva parties. Poll analysists will go on about anti-incumbency. Hogwash. This is all strategy. The moneyed class has always decided. This time they have come out of the closet.

Let us be clear: Since the tragedy struck Mumbai, it is not outsiders who have made any massive gains politically. Pakistan is in bad shape. But we have conducted an election campaign all along – politicians, business community, socialites, and acitvists. Everyone has got a whole lot of mileage.

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Sanjay Dutt was approached by the Samajwadi Party after 26/11. Why? He has a criminal record, but fielding him from Lucknow, accompanied by his Muslim wife, is a smart move. We are back again to the Muslim vote bank with a dose of Gandhigiri.

It is difficult to imagine Amar Singh in the role of kingmaker, but he is a wily man willing to stoop to any level for his regular 15 minutes of weekly prime time on TV.

There is nothing wrong about film stars entering the poll fray; Sanjay, however, is being used and he is using the opportunity to get some legitimacy, not only for himself but also for his wife. In a country where politics is a gharelu muamla (home cottage industry) this ought not to surprise us. Yet, the people will be left with very little choice.

Many might vote for Munnabhai, a fictitious Robin Hood like character, and not the individual with absolutely no experience in any kind of social commitment.

Asked who he would nominate as his ‘Circuit’ (his loyal sidekick in the film series) in politics, Jaya Bachchan – SP’s Rajya Sabha nominated member – piped in, “We all are his Circuits.”

Sure. We know about the opportunistic heritage where the state of Uttar Pradesh became this family’s stomping ground to garner all awards possible.

Sycophancy rules.

I want your baby…

says the VHP!

Calling all Hindus to raise the bar:

The Vishwa Hindu Parishad has decided to launch a campaign against family planning and will use a book to urge Hindus to ensure that they produce at least four male children — “two for the family and two for the Hindu cause”.

What happens to the female children? True, they have been asked to ‘Prepare’. Sounds frightening. Prepare for what? To produce these male children? And will the male children be differentiated based on what cause they will be espousing? Like family ones will get less protein and Hindu cause wallahs will get a better diet? What happens if any of them are attracted to the RSS, which espouses celibacy? What is the use of producing children who don’t want to produce children? How will the VHP ensure that only male children are born? Will there be some booklet giving tips to the faithful about when and how to conceive appropriately?

To spread its new strategy among the Hindu masses, the VHP will circulate a book Bharat mein Hindu Bahumat (Hindu majority in India).

I thought the Hindus were already in a majority. Instead of going to all this trouble why don’t they just conquer Nepal and be done with it? We can save on badaam doodh. You can’t keep milking the gau mata dry for your ulterior motives.

“It is a good move by the VHP, as the family planning system introduced in India by the Congress is anti-religious. Our religious books do not give permission to control births,” said Mahant Ram Kripal.

Very funny. These guys are also saying that family planning is a “Christian and Muslim strategy to make Hindus a minority in India”. Hello? Since when have Christians and Muslims taken over these laws? On the contrary, they have been accused until recently of not allowing FP, and priests and maulvis give the same ‘god says no to planning births’ line. Religious books say a lot of things – karam kar phal ki chinta mat kar…don’t worry about the fruits of your labour. Just do it. Yo, plug for Nike!

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Results of earlier poll

You read books that

Win international awards - 2 (16%), Get negative reviews -1 (8%), Get flattering reviews - 2 (16%), You like the subject – 10 (83%), You have read the author before - 2 (16%), Books? I watch TV - 1 (8%)

Ahh...men!

Look, this whole metrosexual vs. retrosexual thing is getting boring. Most women do not give a damn what men look like as long as they know what to do with what they have.

Now there was another survey by the British Yorkshire Building Society. Some nuggets from the report in italics:

The fairer sex may have all but abandoned the struggle for equality, for a new survey suggests that most men want a traditional wife and women are often only too happy to oblige.

One moment. Why does a woman playing the traditional role cease to be equal to men who also play their traditional roles? If women prefer these so-called retro men, then aren’t these guys too happy to play that role?

The survey suggested that most women desire “retrosexual” men, who are more hunter gatherer than a “metrosexual” stay-at-home father.

Hunter-gatherer? Someone is going Barbara Cartland on us. I wish these surveys examined the reasons.

“A lot of women used to think they wanted a metrosexual man. But then they realised they were fed up with a man who spent longer in the bathroom than they did,” Tanya Jackson, corporate affairs manager at the building society said. “Many women now feel they actually want a huntergatherer and they will look after their man in return.”

Why is it so difficult to understand that what glossies and ad agencies tell us is manufactured? A man is not a machine (well, working on auto-pilot does not make you a machine). Nor a fad. Men are human (ahem). And women make those choices based on the kind of people they themselves are.

This is not like going to a showroom and picking out retro or metro. And whoever gave these people the idea that the guy who spends a lot of time in the bathroom does not expect to be looked after? And isn’t the job of the hunter-gatherer to hunt, get the stuff and then go grrr…hrrmph? Why would he want to be pampered? Would that not turn him into a metro then?

And isn’t the ‘tweeze my eyebrows and do my facial’ guy getting ready to face the world and go hunting anyway?

We all have our little yes-yes, no-no list…This is mine…

Hawaiian shirts only at the beach.

Clean feet, hands and other things in between.

Not pretty to watch you licking on ice-cream cones.

A stubble only if you have smooth hair.

A beard that does not look like a bush.

Polite in public and private.

Rough when the occasion arises.

White shirt, not white shoes.

Don’t try to work on a sense of humour; men are meant to be funny as a species.

Cook, but don’t make it sound like a Cecil B de Mille production.

Do not assume all women like getting the lingerie you like. Try wearing a G-string and then you’ll know.

Don’t challenge a woman with, “Hah, you don’t have the balls”. She’ll show you what you don’t have.

Just because you read somewhere that women look at butts don’t walk ahead of her. Unless you have something to hide by facing her.

Even if she has initiated something don’t keep mentioning it; it is so déclassé and it also reveals how slow you are.

Flattering her in public might work only if she is insecure, or you are about her.

And finally, don’t ask for directions to her erogenous zones. You aren’t stuck on some highway, are you?

Urban India is going to decide Kashmir’s fate?

The Times of India conducted a survey by Synovate India, a market research agency, among men and women in the 18 to 35 age group in Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata, Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Ahmedabad, Jaipur and Jammu.

Here are some ‘findings’:

Should India let go of Kashmir?

No: 68%

Has Kashmir been pampered by the Centre?

Neglected: 41%

Can it ever be integrated into the mainstream?

Yes: 77%

Should India hold on to it whatever the cost?

Yes: 59%

If Kashmir secedes, it would it be…

Under greater threat: 50%

Do you see how disjointed it is?

Or just a case of “Dil ko behlaane ke liye khayal achcha hai”?

Ooh la-la-land of Omar Abdullah

So everyone is mighty impressed by the mighty heart of the cub of the cub of the Sher-e-Kashmir.

I am not biting this ‘dignified’ speech. Only because Omar Abdullah was not flashing a wad of notes does not mean one has to go along with his highly apologetic tone about how Muslims are not this and not that and then say, with some bloody audacity, that being Muslim and being Indian are not mutually exclusive. Why does he even need to say it? Why?

Here are some of his bon-bon mots, and let me respond:

“I am a Muslim and I am an Indian. And I see no distinction between the two. I don’t know why should I fear the nuclear deal. It is a deal between two countries which, I hope, will become two equals in the future. The enemies of Indian Muslims are not America or deals like these. The enemies are the same as the enemies of all those who are poor — poverty, hunger, lack of development and the absence of a voice.”

It isn't about you, Omar. It is about Indians. Not two abstractions called ‘countries’, please. If you personally do not fear the nuclear deal you can go and figure out some way to cook up something in your outhouse. Don’t mess with an issue that is larger and has greater ramifications. And stop this thing about India and America being equals in the future; this conveys that we are unequal at present and in view of the current deal sends out the message that India is therefore playing an inferior role. It is in fact doing so, which is what the ruckus has been all about. But Omar wants to be like America. And he is quoting the same thing about the real enemies being poverty and other stuff, which everyone knows. It does not mean there cannot be other enemies and America will ensure that India does not get too far. Look how it has got to Pakistan…

“Today, the Left is telling me that all secular parties should stand with the BJP to bring down this government. The same Left treated me like a political untouchable when I was with the NDA.”

You were a political untouchable because you were with the NDA. The Left is asking you to support the anti-nuclear stand, which happens to be the BJP’s purported stand. Understood?

“I am not a member of the UPA and don’t aspire to be one. I made a mistake to be with the NDA, especially after Gujarat riots happened. My conscience had asked me to quit NDA but I didn’t. My conscience has still not forgiven me.”

Go give a jadoo ki jhappi to your conscience and next time listen to it. Unless you don’t want to so that when the opportunity arises you can bring it out as a viable ‘dignified’ stand.

(On the Amarnath issue that Leader of Opposition L K Advani had highlighted in his speech yesterday, Abdullah said he had fought for the cause since it involved the land of his people. He dared the BJP to name a single leader from Jammu and Kashmir who had opposed the Amarnath yatra.)

“Until the day there is even a single Muslim in Kashmir, from Srinagar to Amarnath, the Amarnath yatra will not be allowed to stop.”

Taaliyaan.

Now takhliyaan...that is, over and out…

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For the other tamasha of ‘live’ bribery, you may want to watch this.