The face of Indian de-mockery-cy

Kya bolti tu?

Congress chief Sonia Gandhi promised a rigorous assessment exercise for newly-inducted ministers, warning that those in the government could also make way for others currently outside, holding out, in one stroke, hope for ministerial aspirants and discards while sending out a perform or perish signal.

I dislike the way a word like ‘discards’ is used. And I do not see the need for this school marmish attitude. True, ministers have to work, but everyone knows what will happen and who will decide what work is to be done.

If I may say so, this threat is also a signal to make way for those ‘Young Turks’ once they have rounded up enough people.

Kya bolta tu?

PM Manmohan Singh who was the first one to start the campaign for Rahul Gandhi to join the cabinet now says:

“He already has a big responsibility to bring in young people... he is doing more than sitting in a cabinet meet.”

All right. It means that running a recruiting agency is more important than managing a production unit that caters to a huge demand and is responsible to its ‘buyers’ who have made it what it is.

We are not yet done with Dr. Singh. Here he is explaining the current cabinet:

“It is not always possible to accommodate everyone. There are several factors like availability and talent and other considerations that played a role.”

Availability? If there are aspirants waiting, as Ms. Gandhi suggested, then there is plenty of availability. People will give their right and left arms and all limbs to get a ministerial berth.

Talent? Is our PM telling us there is lack of talent and he had to go looking for it with a fine toothcomb? And at the end he found a 72-year-old M. S. Gill to head the Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports? The 72-year-old Dr Farooq Abdullah gets New and Renewable Energy; I don’t know what the heck it means, but I hope it is not something tongue-in-cheek. There are lots of such talents…

Other considerations? Would the PM care to explicate? It does not sound nice at all.

And in this great secular republic we must know the number of people inducted from which caste and community. Here goes:

• Brahmins - 9
• Other Upper Castes - 19
• Kshatriyas - 4
• Vaishyas - 4
• OBCs - 16
• Dalits - 10
• Tribals - 5
• Muslims - 4
• Sikhs - 3
• Christians - 3
• MBCs – 2

I wonder what category they are according to our PM – availability, talent or other considerations.

Kya main boloon!

A question of angles. I am putting this up because it is in the national newspaper. It should tell us just how well they are willing to exploit such situations:

Newly-inducted cabinet minister Farooq Abdullah is greeted by his daughter-in-law Payal Abdullah after the swearing-in ceremony at Rashtrapati Bhavan.

Does Rahul Gandhi even know what a Young Turk means?

Just when I thought we were done with the tacky ‘Singh is King’ headline in national newspapers, we now have ‘Rahul’s Young Turks’.

Never mind that they did not find a place in the government. As I mentioned in a comment earlier, Rahul Gandhi should have put himself to test with a cabinet berth.

The media ought to at least up their knowledge a bit before they shoot their mouths off.

What is a Young Turk? Simple dictionary meanings are here:

1. A member of a Turkish reformist and nationalist political party active in the early 20th century.
2. A young progressive or insurgent member of an institution, movement, or political party.
3. A young person who rebels against authority or societal expectations.

Do these men fit into any category? Don’t hang on to the word 'progressive' because these people need to be tested on that count. How can they rebel against authority when they are the authority?

I was shocked to read this:

Under Rahul Gandhi’s guidance, the Youth Congress is turning target-oriented and adhocism-free by suggesting that those who enrol between 5,000 and 10,000 members stand a good chance to be nominated for an assembly election.

This is like encounter killings – your promotion depends on your hit rate. Or like insurance agents.

The report also states:

Rahul Gandhi has asked his team of Young Turks not to dream of being in the government at least for six months and to devote their energies to the recruitment of fresh blood across the country.

Do you realise what this means? That after six months of meeting their targets, they can start hustling? It also means they could prove to be worse than the opposition parties and demand their pound of flesh.

What happened to the committed youth who were ready to ‘Jaago re’?

- - -

I have covered the stupidity of this before, but last night on TV they had these people talking about how we should not rubbish the dynasty…after all, we have instances of musicians’ children becoming musicians…

Haan, but a tabalchi’s son will bang on the tablas; a sitarist’s daughter will pull other strings.

An actor’s son will capitalise on papa/mama’s skills before the camera.

A businessman’s beta or beti will inherit wealth and change the décor in the office to make it look more hip.

That’s it. They won’t really mess around with the country. Though, bad musicians and actors can be a huge pain. But you just don’t pay to watch them.

Do you have a choice with these Young Tharkis?

Rahul Gandhi said he wants to change the way politics is conducted in our country. Not a chance. Sorry. You started on the wrong foot.

Go send this young blood to first donate blood. Get doctors in the remote villages. Electricity. Water. Literacy. These young people must be brought together to do these things rather than bribing people to join the party so that they can get more power and sit like satraps and continue with the same things. Prune the lawns, but there will still be weeds. By changing the curtains you do not alter the window or the way you look through it.

Just as wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt does not make anyone a revolutionary. Nice try, though.

The Myth of Manmohan Singh

The Myth of Manmohan Singh

The Follower as Leader
by Farzana Versey
Counterpunch, May 22-24, 2009

History is often about a play of words. The man of the moment who has taken the oath of office for the second term is an actor in search of ‘no character’. It is the invisibility of the persona that is his trump card.

It works in a situation where we are robotising the human. Indian democracy has promoted a standard iconisation of the middle-class. This is not the middle-class of dissent but of consumerism. Our Prime Minister is not the brand; he is the franchisee. Dr. Manmohan Singh, the genial, the educated, the decent man, has power without responsibility.

He will probably go down in history as a bureaucrat being promoted as a great politician. Dr. Singh does not deserve many of the accolades he has got. So, where's the catch?

The catch is to have canny people to back you. No one realises that the real force behind the liberalisation policies was former Prime Minister P. V. Narasimha Rao. As finance minister, Singh became the hero of the industrialists. They did not mind some wealth percolating down to the middle-class as long as it was called the middle-class. Therefore, India’s power is still in the hands of the business tycoons. The swelling belly has not given birth to any major financial power centre; it could well have been a mere bubble.

Manmohan Singh’s role is to showcase a country that exists in the imagination of a few.

That is his version of India. He has never contested an election; he has no grassroots experience. It shows up glaringly when he decides to go rural in his talks. When the Left Parties were opposing the nuclear deal, he tried explaining his stand to the then President George Bush by stressing that it was important to take care of the vulnerability of two-thirds of the population, namely 650 million people, dependent on agriculture for sustenance. "That meant that India needed some degree of protection through special products and safeguards, on which we need greater clarity."

In his enthusiasm to play Santa Claus he did not notice all those farmers committing suicide or that India was importing wheat. What happened to the great Green Revolution?

The caucus of industrialists supported the deal, not the ordinary citizen or the villager who is supposed to benefit. It was also a major diplomatic sell-out. India already generates hundred thousand mega watts of energy; with this deal we would get 20,000 MW more by the year 2020.

This is what showcasing the prioritised India means. He is no strategist, but he walked away with all the credit for something that amounts to nothing.

In the crass world of politics where wily forces rule, Singh’s asset is that he is a vacillator. His being a phenomenon has more to do with serendipity than statesmanship. The Congress has wisely used his name as their calling card. But it is not true that every wrong move by the party and the onus of it would be on him. Quite the contrary. He is in the enviable position to get away with anything and attribute it to helplessness, because he is not considered rabid, rigid, or regressive. And he is answerable to the dynasty.

It would be no revelation to state that Sonia Gandhi is propping up Dr. Manmohan Singh; the more pertinent point is that he chooses to be propped up.

In the epic Mahabharata, the low-caste archer Eklavya is asked to offer his right thumb as guru dakshina as he could prove to be a threat to the royal Pandava Arjuna. Although he has not been tutored by the guru Dronacharya, he has been inspired enough to practise before his clay idol. The disciple readily offers him his thumb.

In the contemporary context, would it be considered a sacrifice or a measure to please? In the epic, the reason the guru is completely awestruck by the humble archer's skills is that on being disturbed by a barking stray he aims an arrow and seals the mouth of the dog without apparent injury or loss of blood.

Dr. Singh’s has been a bloodless coup. He has added that dreaded word dignity to the lexicon of Machiavellian manoeuvres. What we see of him today is an elderly patriarch trying to appear upright while promoting a liberal market lifestyle. It must be noted that the liberalism is confined to the market.

He is protecting the brand. The brand comes with the baggage of Bofors. Of the 1984 anti-Sikh riots. He looks the other way and pushes forward the Rahul Doctrine. No one quite knows what it is. Dr. Singh is probably unaware about it too. Rahul Gandhi has been called the political scion, and there is no need for us to be chary about it, for we have watched this and encouraged it for six decades. Today’s pretence and talk against monarchy are essentially hollow dictums to appear as dissenters.

Rahul Gandhi famously said that his party is proud of the poor in India. The romanticisation of poverty is primarily non-rational. So when we talk about equality it is a legal expression. All legal systems have been brought by force. This suits democracies rather well; you do not have to ensure uniformity because it goes against the egalitarian principle of fairplay.

The Doctrine may have gained some ground in Uttar Pradesh, but that state is not in the big stakes financially. It is good to let the political iron remain hot there while the big businesses thrive elsewhere and keep their saviours in power happy.

One might be prompted to make the rather wicked comment that this is a caretaker government. As Pythagoras said, with the advent of the intelligent man, there is no honest man.

Manmohan Singh has been given a pedestal; the pillar is the Family. Today’s cult figure is ensured tomorrow’s cartoon strip.

India's Muslims and Communalism

Set the poll rolling:

India's Muslims
by Farzana Versey
The News International, May 20, 2009

My cellphone and Inbox are filled with cheesy messages. “Communal forces have been defeated. Progress and peace are in the offing. God is great. Jai ho!”

It isn’t the BJP defeat that bothers me as much as the Congress victory. For, we are being fed these false images of a young India, an India on the move, an India that is secular. How different is it from the ‘India Shining’ baloney?

The messages like the one I mentioned are mostly from progressive Indian Muslims who blatantly play the communal card, forcing mullahs to walk with them on peace rallies. They don’t even realise the silliness of their stand. Who stopped peace and progress while the non-communal government was in power? And was god not great when the NDA was at the Centre?

The worst part is the assumption that communal forces have been defeated. Take a look at the candidates put up. Why were rookies chosen? Because the majority of the electorate from those areas were from a particular caste or community. Besides that, every religious leader will be wooed.

The tendency to jump the gun is opportunistic. The rally-wallah Mussalmans know exactly which cause to espouse and when. They will join in issues which have international appeal – Palestine, Iraq, Mumbai attacks. How many take out morchas for Dalits, or those killed by Naxalites, or in Malegaon or Bhiwandi blasts?

They get thrilled when local corporators visit the slums that were demolished only because the star of ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ lives there; they get excited about an activist who lands up wherever the cameras are wearing a bindi to show how secular she is. And we have had the disgusting sight of a man whose house was burned down during the Gujarat riots sit before a TV panel and tell the audience to move on. Why? He is a rich.

That is the reason I think the Indian Muslim reaction is kneejerk. Narendra Modi is not a spent force; he may be a regional leader but that is his strength. He has managed to consolidate his position in such a manner that even Muslim businessmen are talking about economic growth. That is all they are interested in. Modi spoke about 50 million Gujaratis without mentioning religion. It will be his smart card for years to come.

In fact, the BJP’s defeat will boost his position. While L.K.Advani is a statesman without a state, Modi will work his way through home ground. And nothing will happen to him. With vultures already preying on the party leadership position, Advani will have to deal with his own creation. He thought Modi would be a domesticated pet who could act as watchdog to warn visitors. The leash, alas, was too long.

The handful of the 150 million Muslims can continue to live in their canny paradise, but they have no right to make fools of those who do not have a choice or a voice.

When Uma Bharti had the gumption to declare before the elections that she and the senior BJP leaders did not know who demolished the Babri Masjid, there were no rallies by these so-called liberal Muslims demanding an explanation. How many bothered to collect the relevant data which is easily accessible and put it forward?

When there were questions asked about certain lies by NGOs in Gujarat, why did these Muslims not come forward and provide facts and figures or ask their own questions? How many of them will speak to the new government about expediting these cases? Or will they only look for their chance of getting a Rajya Sabha seat?

When the Darul Uloom issued a fatwa asking Muslims to vote, why did they not tell the religious organisation to stop interfering in the business of the state even if they were responding to the queries raised by the devout?

Religion and progress are not mutually exclusive; in fact, it is the most potent combination. You can sell faith faster than a burger. With extra cheese and mayo.

As long as this continues, and political leaders go around various places of worship, and you hear duas and shlokas on TV screens with a voice-over luring you with, “If you want this as your caller tune then SMS us”, we will remain a communal country.

Sunday ka Funda

Was it a good election?

I do have TV dinners; today I went ahead with a TV lunch. All because India’s future was going to be decided. I had barely managed to pop one kofta into my mouth (okay, I did cut it into two pieces but I don’t want to sound divisive), and they said the Congress was rocking.

I ought to have done a little twirl. Don’t feel like it. The curry was rather good.

How I wish I were one of those politicians saying, “Let us get the full tally and then I shall tell you…” No full tally required. It is the Congress. Pop one more kofta ball.

From what I gather the Congress has got this kind of vote after 18 years. It can go it alone. I only hope it does. I am tired of coalition politics that are totally based on numbers.

Nitish Kumar says he will give support only if Bihar is given special status. What? Why? And here we complain about Kashmir.

Home Minister P.Chidambaram lost by 3,555 votes in his constituency Sivaganga. He is sulking and has asked for a repoll. I don’t know why. He will continue to be the Congress party’s nice guy with preppy accent. I was, however, surprised to hear experts say that the loss was because he was not in touch with his people. Then the margin should have been greater, right? But I am not an expert, so I can just dig into my vegetable pulao and watch them play.

Ram Vilas Paswan who thought he could be the prime minister lost; he lost his own seat forget the showing of his party. Yet, he is happy that the secular forces won. Oh yeah. These secular forces will now to talk to Imams, sadhus, bishops.

In god’s own country, Kerala, the former UN Under Secretary General Shashi Tharoor went around Thiruvananthapuram yesterday even before the poll results were out and started tearing his posters. He said:

“This is a beautiful city. I don’t want to disfigure the walls with pictures of politicians after the elections. I want to set a model by removing the posters."

He has won by a large margin.

I suspect the Congress will pamper him. Instead, he should be treated like Sam Pitroda. For those who came in late – or were just born too late – Rajiv Gandhi had invited this expat techie to India and the process of the 21st century might have been a bit pat, but he is responsible for a lot of the communication revolution in the country. If you find PCO booths in the remotest towns, you know who to thank. Time for me to take a large chunk of malai rose barfi.

Why did the BJP lose? Because it is its own worst enemy. It wasn’t a consolidated battle. This time some smart types decided to play Modi against Advani. Two power centres are fine if one handles the remote control, not if both want to be visible leaders.

Now that psephologists will do their final analysis, I only hope:

• We are done with anchors picking out chunks from their touch screen monitors and juggling them around.

• Varun Gandhi takes sanyas.

• Uma Bharti gives up sanyas.

• The Congress builds the Ram Mandir. Seriously. Then Modi can go around on lecture tours to say how he made Gujarat so prosperous. If Mumbai’s dabbawallas can become IIM speakers and be honoured at Buckingham Palace, then so can he.

AND

• I don’t have to hear that Jai Ho song again.

Switched off the TV set and unfurled the foil of the chocolate bar. Lindt’s Excellence With a Touch of Sea Salt. Dark, slightly bitter, slightly salty…

Just like this precious irony:

Caption in TOI...GUARDING DEMOCRACY: A policewoman guards a locked room with EVMs inside, in Jaipur on Friday

The way we are - 4

Varun Gandhi was never a threat to the nation. He can stop lying about the doctored tapes. He hasn’t said anything after that which conveys he did not mean those things.

He filed a petition:

He said the UP government "acted in a malafide and vindictive manner by disregarding the procedure established by law with the sole purpose of gaining political mileage in the ongoing Lok Sabha elections and malign the reputation and image of the petitioner".

Wah, wah. Varun Gandhi has a reputation and image to uphold? His reputation and image are the creation of that one speech. He was nothing before that; he will become another Praveen Togadia of the BJP.

The Supreme Court directed the Mayawati government to immediately withdraw NSA charges against him.

Apparently, these are poll times, so there was no fight. The fellow wanted Rs. 10 lakh in ‘damages’. I wonder if it isn’t too much to wash his foul mouth with. I’d personally like him to be given that money so that he can be sent to a good finishing school where they teach you how to walk and talk. Or maybe he can donate that money for the children in Pilibhit whose community he targeted.

Or he could pay for Ajmal Kasab’s legal fees. That way he will be helping the nation.

- - -

A report says:

The government is yet to decide the legal fees it will pay Kasab’s lawyer Abbas Kazmi. According to sources, the special court that appointed Kazmi as Kasab’s counsel had suggested that Kazmi be paid Rs 2,500 per day of argument…If the trial goes on for years, Kazmi’s fees is likely to runs into tens of lakhs.”

Interestingly, they are talking of the trial going on for years. Lawyers can only use delay tactics, but what about courts that defer hearings? Heck, everyday, someone or the other is identifying one weapon, one bullet, one date or pistachio…I have said it before. No one is in a hurry.

I read some punk say that the trial should be expedited, as though this is some kangaroo court. If the government has taken it upon itself to go as per provisions provided by the judiciary, then the procedures will be followed. Unless they let him take that walk around his barrack and look away as someone shoots him.

An aside:

Senior lawyer Ram Jethmalani said that Pakistani gunman Ajmal Amir Kasab should not be hanged as “he looks like an escaped lunatic who did not know what he was doing”.

When his lawyer spoke about Kasab being underage, did not this humble blogger make a dig at it?

This guy sure knows his way around, in more ways than one. His reason for this walk is that he would lose his mental balance if they did not permit him. Ah, now his lawyer can, if they are not allowed (to let him walk around and he says will lose his mental balance), plead insanity for his client.

Please note that Mr. Jethmalani appeared on behalf of Indira Gandhi’s killers. He is saying it with some authority. Now, I would like to know whether such statements are permissible in a case that is sub judice.

- - -

I wonder why the National Securities Act was not slapped on Chhotu even though Varun and he have one thing is common (revealed later). Who is Chhotu? A dog.

It is like any political story for this Bihari kutta. Six years ago he was sentenced to death. He was a menace and had bitten some people.

But Raj Kumari Devi, the owner of the dog, said:

"It is a conspiracy by my neighbours to grab my property. They are targeting my protector, Chhotu."

Last July another case was slammed against him under CrPC section 107 (disturbing peace).

Like all big cases, this too dragged on.

Official sources in the Purnia district administration said that hearing in the case was deferred several times in the last six months, due to floods and ongoing Lok Sabha elections.

She put up a brave fight and who do you think supported her? Maneka Gandhi! (now you know the connection.)

Devi finally won the battle.

"I simply begged for clemency saying that being a widow, Chhotu was my only companion and protector."

- - -

The peaceful monk:

A monk drags a polling agent, who voters say was involved in false voting, outside a poll booth in Thiksey, east of Leh.

Of Scapegoats and Separatists

Set the poll rolling

Of Scapegoats and Separatists
by Farzana Versey
The News International, May 14, 2009

Mirwaiz Umer Farooq's cap is symbolic. The story goes that the minute he reaches Delhi, he wants to take it off. It isn't capitulation, but the heavy burden that was thrust on him after his father's death when he was just 17; Mirwaiz is an inherited religious position. The nerd-like chief of the All Parties Hurriyat Conference's moderate faction has to be moderate, religious, leader and separatist. It is a whole lot of eggs in one basket, a basket made of the thinnest straw.

All the separatist leaders are walking on eggshells. The roots of Kashmiri separatism are embedded in the Indian Constitution. At the time it was a case of no options, now it is a tool to chisel or hammer as the occasion demands. All this talk of resolution is just talk.

Until now it was only the politicians who took the high moral ground. Now, militant organisations too have joined in. It isn't anymore about democracy versus separatism, but 'show old women being carried to voting booths' democracy versus 'poll boycott' democracy.

Sajjad Lone decides to contest elections from Baramullah. Instead of giving a straightforward reason, he says, "morally it was impossible for me to continue without seeing if I enjoy people's support."

This would be seen as a moderate stand. Let us rewind to 2002. His father Abdul Gani Lone was killed. He who had made it clear he had nothing to do with the Indian government was being touted by the then Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee as the "lone moderate voice". The PM from a blatantly Hindutva party was handing a posthumous certificate to a blatantly separatist leader who had once commented that his life was in danger "wherein many guns work at the same time."

Sajjad says today: "At the end of the day, the man who takes up the gun is responsible for his own actions. We can't criticise them because we are not risking our lives, but, as a Kashmiri, I feel politics should have a much bigger role in the current world scenario."

It would be premature to see this as a cop-out. No militant has ever asked to be shielded and, whether they carry guns or not, people are put behind bars.

I do not know what Sajjad's idea of morality is and why it is so important when the ground realities require a bit more than kahwah for the soul. Will he be indebted to Chief Minister Omar Abdullah, whose father Dr. Farooq had cut down the senior Lone's security by half when he was in cahoots with the NDA government? Seriously, what morals are we discussing? When did the National Conference last talk about bringing peace to Kashmir with the Hurriyat?

Omar Abdullah who is sitting in as CM - and, make no mistake, this is a papa-run enterprise for after he was sworn in, the father started humming the song, "Papa kehte hai bada naam karega, beta hamara aisa kaam karega..." - has clearly said there is nothing like soft separatism. "We believe autonomy is the way forward. And it is within the constitution."

So, why is he a legitimate leader and the others separatists? They all talk about better roads, education, and employment. How many pay heed to the figures of undertrials given by human rights organisations? Separatism in some areas is seen as the ideal, many 'innocent civilians' are in fact supporters of militancy. Local organisations in the Kashmir Valley were the result of disgruntled groups who waited for some solution. They were young people who had seen members of their families killed. I emphasise young because these polls are about youth icons and almost all the leaders in Kashmir fit the bill.

During the last assembly elections, the venerable Times of India got a market research agency to survey young people in various cities on the Kashmir issue. Rather tellingly, Kashmir was not on the list. Jammu was. Their questions were of the kneejerk variety: Should India let go of Kashmir? Has Kashmir been pampered by the Centre? Can it ever be integrated into the mainstream? Should India hold on to it whatever the cost? If Kashmir secedes, would it be under greater threat?

68% wanted Kashmir, even though it has been neglected by the Centre and yet they believed that it could be integrated into the mainstream. Why did the poll not spell out clearly what it conveys? Are we talking about scrapping Article 370 so that our yuppies can invest in property for their sloping-down-the-Gulmarg-snow moment?

Although 59 per cent said they wanted India to keep Kashmir even if the human and economic costs were high, they felt that Kashmir's secession would be a greater risk to the country. Great urban analysis. Let our soldiers and civilians die, let the country spend a fortune protecting a weak border. Why? Because the threat is less than if the Kashmiris were to leave to start on their own. What does this mean? If the threat is after they have left, then we are under less threat now? Does this imply that the Kashmir issue is not such a big problem and the Kashmiris are just fine? Therefore, someone has been making scapegoats of them all these years!

Urban stupidity was in full public view because the newspaper carried a picture of protestors in Srinagar that went against its own poll findings.

This is even more relevant in these general elections. Interestingly, commentators on national television are suggesting that there should be a separate box in booths in the whole country for the electorate to vote for 'no candidate'. What right do we then have to question a poll boycott in Kashmir, which says the same thing, only in a less sophisticated way? Cynicism and protest aren't the prerogative of pontificators.

The maulvis and swine

As we all know, the mullahs in India have become very hip and happening; they talk about voting, democracy and even liberals like Ms. Sham are praising them for not burying Pakistani terrorists and walking all the way with other liberals in peace marches.

I have already mentioned the fatwa for elections in response to queries from Muslims.

Here are a few queries I too have about how Muslims must react to the swine flu and other porcine issues:

• Does contracting the swine flu make a person less of a Muslim?

• If someone refers to a Muslim house that is not neat as a 'pig sty', can the owner forgive the person or must s/he attempt to cleanse that person’s mouth?

• Does listening to film dialogues with terms like “sooar ki aulad” (offspring of swine) make one haraam?

• What about phrases like “eat like a pig”, “ride piggy-back”…are they legitimate and acceptable?

• Can Muslim children put their small change in piggy banks? If yes, does the same rule apply also to Eidi (monetary gift on Eid)?

These are questions of importance and it would be nice if some maulvi took time off and explained. I am dying to get involved in this fatwa business and I don’t care if I have to be called a swine for it.

The way we are - 3

The TV anchor was discussing poll strategies in Bihar. Actor Shatrughan Sinha is one of the candidates. Anchor looked earnestly at the monitor and asked Mr. Sinha, “Who would you say ‘Khamosh’ (‘Silent!” a word made famous for the way the actor enunciated it in his films) to and how?” Mentioning a few leading politicians, he wanted the man who might well get a portfolio if the BJP wins or play an important role to mimic this before a national audience. Is this a circus? A reality show where comic artistes do these things?

To his credit, Shatrughan Sinha he refused to do so, but he did use the word in a general context. Earlier people had to keep politicians happy; now it is the other way round.

The anchor gave a huge victorious smile as though he had managed to get a scoop. I can imagine him saying, “You heard this first on our channel.”

Yes, puff cake.

- - -

This is stupid. Not the statement itself, but how opinion-makers are reacting to “all options open”.

In a breathtaking display of brazenness, the Samajwadi Party on Thursday declared that it would extend support to whosoever was ready to sack the democratically elected Mayawati government, marking a new low in politics and offering a peep into the no-holds-barred bargaining that is likely after the polls.

Is this seriously news? Mulayam Singh used the word ‘sack’. That will be possible only when a government is formed or ready to be formed. It means the major party will be the Congress or the BJP. What happens if Mayawati allies with one of these parties at the time?

Why is everyone looking quizzically at this new brazenness when we have a history of it in some form or the other?

- - -

For all those who have been talking about the Gandhis as royalty – no originality there – I found this most amusing:

The caption said:
ROYALTY VOTES: Maharani Padmini Devi and princess Diya cast their vote in Jaipur

They are voting in a democracy. Where does royalty come in?

On Rahul Gandhi and the five-year warranty

I am sick of the way the electronic media went on about the Rahul Gandhi press conference. Ooh…he is talking about keeping his options open…he is coming into his own…who is better, Rahul or Priyanka?…is he now the voice of the Congress?...oooh, he is such a dimpled darling…

Does this mean charisma? Look, if you want to cater to the lowest common denominator, don’t mess around with important national issues.

Rahul Gandhi gave a press conference because he was acting as spokesperson for his party. He is the leader of the Youth Congress. He may become prime minister one day, which is not like playing Nostradamus…and charisma is quiet something else. Jayalalitha has it. And she is way different.

What if he talks about alliances. We have sundry people from the party on panel discussions alluding to these. So? The only one who came out with the most obvious comment was N.Ram, who said, “The Congress would have to ally with someone or the other.” Yeah. But saying this would cut down on airtime and the rest would not be able to go hmm…haw…haw-haw-haw…

And what does ‘coming into his own’ mean? And what is this whole sister-brother fight about? These are the same people who crib about dynastic politics and then they sit and ‘deconstruct’ it with their pip squeaking.

- - -

If you are in Delhi, then you are blessed. Go to a bar, a toy shop, a water park, heck, anywhere and they will offer you discounts if you have voted or plan to vote.

Here are some deals:

Across Delhi, retailers are offering a flood of discounts, ostensibly to encourage the potential voter to... well... vote. From May 7-10, Louis Philippe is giving 20% off on all purchases as part of its “Luxury to Vote” drive. Bausch and Lomb is offering 5,000 students who’ve voted in Delhi and Chennai pairs of daily disposable contact lenses free. Bikanervala restaurants are knocking 15% off from the bill. On May 8-9, Noida’s hip nightclub Elevate promises free entry and a buy-one-get-one-free on drinks. Showing your finger was never more fun. “Children will force parents to go to polling centres,” says Sanjeev Mehra, president, Khan Market Traders Association, and owner of Allied Stores, a toy shop that has a 10% discount on as part of Khan Market’s “Vote for Democracy Discount’’ promotion. A total of 50 stores are offering discounts ranging from 5% to 30%, says Mehra. He adds that the HDFC branch at Khan Market will be giving away gifts including travel bags and cheque-book covers to account holders who’ve voted. “We wanted to reward customers who’ve taken the trouble to vote and also encourage the young to participate,” says Sunil Gadgil, general manager, Bausch and Lomb.

Oh, so it was such a trouble to go and vote that now the citizens of our country need to be rewarded. You think these shopkeepers care? The freebies and sops will get them more customers, business will thrive, and the young who were not interested in contact lenses or drinking will now get the hang of it…

Shall we say India Shining again?

- - -

If this isn't bad enough we have Adnan Sami’s wife, who has filed a divorce petition and a FIR against him, saying that his father was “responsible for killing a lot of Indian soldiers and had even been honoured by the Pakistan government with the Sitara-i-jur’ar title for the killings’’.

Could be since he was a former Pakistan defence commander and had been in service during the 1965 war against India. One is touched by the lady’s concern for Indian soldiers and am sure she knew about it when she married Adnan the first time (she married him again after an earlier divorce). Why has it become so important now? I am not suggesting that her allegations against him are untrue…that is a different thing altogether. But, she is trying to gain public sympathy. How did she get this information? Obviously her influential family knew about it. And then it is public knowledge since she quotes from his book, 3 Presidents and an Aide—Life, Power and Politics.

She also says that Adnan did not attend the launch function in Delhi because it would mess up his career. You heard it right. This book was launched in Delhi, which is the capital of India. Obviously, we are not as interested in our Indian soldiers as this lady is, who is not Indian.

- - -

Did anyone notice this ad?



It is a rather exploitative use of the ink dot shaped like a car battery.

The country is “zero maintenance”? It has an “automotive battery”? And a “5-year warranty”. Aren’t we lucky? But this is only if we have a car…India’s vast majority doesn’t.

Moral of the story: It’s all about wheels. Within wheels.

Uma Bharti ji, may I show you the light?

Dear Sadhviji:

You talk of upholding the truth, but you are lying that you don’t know who demolished the Babri Masjid. This is like saying Hanumanji, who you called your brother, did not burn Lanka.

You said, “...In fact, everyone was in the dark about the demolition except those who did it. We still don’t know who did it… Advaniji and (H V) Sheshadriji (of the RSS) have also said this…”

I will show you your own lies soon. Let us first get the reason for your new-found amnesia out of the way first.

Kalyan Singh cries he don’t know whodunit.

He said he was given to understand that a symbolic “kar seva’’ would be performed for the construction of a Ram temple at Ayodhya.

Oh yeah? A symbolic kar seva with thousands of kar sevaks gathered at the site and engraved bricks being transported? This does not happen overnight. They also had designer padukas made; interestingly, the guys who made these wooden sandals are Muslim. And it all started with Advaniji's rath yatra.

Advani starting the process in his Toyota caravan

So Umaji, you are being audacious. You think you can get away with it? Yes. Because our people don’t care. But some of us want to show you your face, not just in the mirror but in the muddied pool you have been a part of. You, dear lady, had told the Press Trust of India in February:

"I feel sorry for him (Kalyan Singh), as why he tendered an apology in the Babri Masjid demolition. After all it was the issue of Ram Temple, which made him the chief minister."

On the Ram temple, you said:

"The issue has ended on December 6, 1992 itself. It could be said that the demolition of Babri Masjid was a victory for the Hindu society and a defeat for the BJP. Now the Ram Temple could be built only through consensus."

Kar sevaks atop the mosque

Still in the dark?

Here’s some light:

The Indian Express did a detailed report on this ‘being in the dark’ business some years ago:

Anju Gupta, an IPS officer, was barely two months into her job when she was asked to take charge of L K Advani’s security on December 6, 1992. Her testimony to the police, to the CBI and to the Liberhan Commission, is perhaps the most damning against Advani.

Ms. Gupta was sitting next to Shri Advani on the dais. This is what she said:

• “Advani ke aate hi, mahaul garam ho gaya. Jaise hi Advani bolte gaye, mahaul garam hota gaya. (No sooner had Advani arrived than the situation became tense. And it worsened as he spoke.)”

• “I did not see any of these leaders making any effort to stop the demolition of the disputed structure. Advani was sad only about the fact that people were falling off the domes and dying.’’

• “When the first, second and third domes fell, Uma Bharti and Sadhvi Rithambara hugged each other and distributed sweets. They also hugged men. Uma Bharti and Sadhvi Rithambara expressed happiness by hugging Advani, Joshi and S C Dixit. After the domes fell, they congratulated each other.’’

If you don’t know who did it even after this, then you wouldn’t be aware that Advaniji, our country’s PM candidate from the BJP, was shouting on the loudspeaker asking the kar sevaks to come down. If he did not know who did it, then who was he calling out to?

To quote Ms. Gupta again:

• “Advani asked me what was happening elsewhere and I told him I did not know anything.’’

Now comes the real smart part. The magistrate decided it meant that Advani was ‘‘in the dark’’ about the demolition!

It was a slimy thing, but one does not expect any better. Ms Gupta said that he started appealing to kar sevaks to come down from the domes only after he learnt from her that the mosque was being demolished from below and that those on top were falling down and getting injured.

Kaam khatam, paisa hajam.

Remains of the day

Umaji, even if one gives you the benefit of doubt as zakat, you can see these pictures. This was 1992. Internet had not arrived in India. The photographers from the media all over the world could not possibly have sat with the same Photoshop software to create this only to keep you in the dark, right?

Look at these pictures closely and tell me who these people are. Indians. Hindutva goons. Kar sevaks. Gathered there for a purpose. With the blessings and incitement of the saffron party leaders.

Why did you hug Sadhvi Rithambara after the demolition if you didn’t know who did it? Do you applaud when someone wins a match if you don’t know who is playing? Get over it.

I hope you are biting your tongue right now. Yes. Do it hard. And hold your ears and seek the pardon of Lord Ram over whose shoulders you and your fellow liars ride. It would be an insult to him, but you have been insulting him for years.

You people are an insult to the nation. Next time, think a hundred times before you want to take credit for trying to usher in Hindu Raj. You might even forget that...you don't need light, but lightening.

Money laundering and dirty linen

Great. We have just discovered that there is money laundering. It is, of course, an election issue like everything that is happening these days…

But first, let us see how the story unfolds.

The Supreme Court suggested to the Centre that it examine the suitability of lodging cases under the Prevention of Money Laundering Act (PMLA) against persons suspected to have parked black money abroad to force foreign banks to share confidential data with India.

The prominent case making headlines is of Pune businessman Hasan Ali Khan, alleged to have transacted $8 billion from his wife’s Swiss bank account. Said senior advocate Anil Divan:

“Prima facie this is a clear case which can be brought under the Prevention of Money Laundering Act. It’s clear that the Swiss authorities would be bound to disclose information if criminal cases were initiated against him apart from tax evasion.’’

Now, the issue gets politicised:

Without referring to the details of the Centre’s affidavit claiming that a systematic investigation was being conducted into the case, Divan cast doubt on the UPA’s intention to retrieve the money, which the petitioners pegged at Rs 70 lakh crore. He said, “Is it unreasonable to infer that the Centre is interested in protecting powerful individuals who may be using Hasan Ali Khan and his wife as their nominee/benamidar?’’

It also gets entangled in a mess.

While objecting to the Congress getting the BJP involved, Ram Jethmalani goes about it at a tangent:

“Illicit funds from India parked in foreign banks and foreign tax havens could be used for funding terrorists and subversive activities.”

This Hassan Ali ought to be tried for tax evasion and money laundering. The case has been going on for a while. Why this sudden burst of concern about subversive activities? Are they not aware that businessmen from big industrial houses have Swiss accounts? Come on, Mr. Jethmalani shares his evening drinks with them at the club, so let’s not pretend.

If this is a response to the Bofors skulduggery, then it is a weak attempt. And devious. Ottavio Quottrochi is known to be involved, but so are our politicians. And they are ours. How about all those kickback cases in various deals, big and small?

We tend to forget so many things, don’t we?

Besides attempts to hide these skeletons, we now also have to put up with electronic media’s ignorant heroes:

As R. K. Laxman put it pithily in this cartoon:

The Mumbai farce: Was I wrong about it?

Mumbai that was beating its breasts over the 26/11 attacks after which high society decided to make the leaders answerable - never mind that some became ‘leaders’ by default (or was it design?) - and was expected to turn out in droves to vote did not do so.

I am not into the ‘I told you so’ business, but the few who felt it necessary to question me, will need to look again at my stand. There are no winners here, except the politicians, any which way you look at it.

This was my first sentence:

If you believe for a moment that the residents of Mumbai are angry about the recent terror attacks, then they have succeeded in fooling you. There is no anger; there is irritation. Their daily routines have been mucked up….

They may cry themselves hoarse at peace marches, they may cry themselves hoarse on panel discussions, they may cry themselves hoarse in petitions that sound like school essays, but their sensitivity is like froth on lager; it will settle down after a few sips.

While film stars and corporate honchos did their walk to the booth, mainly because they had become the visible faces of an advertising campaign, the figures of the city’s voting speak for themselves:

1.59 crore registered voters; less than 70 lakh cast their ballot. That is 43.5%.

Bhiwandi - communally sensitive area - 38.5%
Parts of Mumbai South: Colaba- area closest to the Taj Mahal Hotel - 39%; Cuffe Parade's G D Somani School - whose voter list included some of those who blew hot and cold - 37%

Updated on May 2 for final figures:

Total for Mumbai - 41.28%
Mumbai South - 40.31%
Bhiwandi - 39.39%

Contrast this with the report that states:

Gadchiroli district, where the Naxalites had threatened to chop off fingers if a villager exercised his franchise, recorded 65%

- - -

Will journalists and TV anchors please stop this cutesy act of referring to people with too much familiarity? In this case it became 'Tony' to show just how well they know first-time candidate Mahesh Jethmalani, resident of South Mumbai, contesting from Mumbai North Central.

Last night, commenting on the dismal turnout, he mentioned that even Muslim-dominated areas did not come out to vote. Do you know what his explanation was? “It means that Muslims too are concerned about terrorism.”

What rubbish is this? What does “too” mean? They get killed as well, by professional militant groups and by the terrorising establishment. Only because he has joined the BJP, and mind you his reason was the same “26/11”, he does not need to get all patronising. He even reasons that it shows they did not want to vote for the Congress or any other party, not just the BJP.

Will he go to his society buddies and check whether they voted? And there are turncoats among them who happily started the cry of ‘Enough is enough’ and are now giving the practical perspective about how there is no movement and it is all hollow. If they have been a part of it, then how ‘unhollow’ are they?

Sau billi kha ke ab chhoohein moonh se malai poch kar patli galee se nikal padey (after eating a hundred cats, the rats wiped off the cream from their mouths and made a quick exit).

- - -

Another point I had made at the time was:

No one was talking about the 58 people who died at the local train station or the 10 others who died at the hospital or the taxi driver whose vehicle was burnt and so was he. Or even the cops who took the bullets.

Well, the Citizens for Justice and Peace foundation (CJP) got involved in the fashion week held a while ago for an honourable purpose:

The clothes were later put up for auction on eBay and the proceeds were to go to the Citizens for Justice and Peace foundation (CJP). The theory was that since a majority of the victims of the 26/11 terror attacks on CST died because of lack of ambulances, CJP would use the auction proceeds to buy ambulances that would ply near CST, Churchgate and Dadar. But so far, they have money for only one or two ambulances, according to Teesta Setalvad, secretary of CJP.

So, what happened?

One of the most coveted invites of the last fashion week was to the Naomi Campbell-Vikram Chatwal show, Mai Mumbai. And now it seems like Naomi flew down for nothing; to say nothing of the fruitlessness of getting 38 international designers to donate their outfits. Only eight outfits have been sold, even though the event was promoted in USA, France, Germany, Singapore, Malaysia and the Philippines.

Why? Where are all those rich moneybags who don’t even think of manners when they trample on people to get a close- to-the-ramp seat? Who whistle and clap like front benchers watching a kitschy film? Who would otherwise talk of “outfits to die for”? Wasn’t this a cause that mattered so much that they had stood outside the Gateway of India holding candles?

Yet, Ms. Setalvad bravely says:

“I think what is more important is the attention the event has garnered for our project. It was because of this event that we managed three private donors who have offered us Rs 5 lakh each. Let’s not forget there is recession and there are elections in the country for which parties have dried up lot many pools.”

Yes, of course. There is no recession when they fly in their private helicopters? There is no recession for the poor? Rs 5 lakh is like small change for many of them; they would be happy to get rid of it in cash or just get the tax free certificate.

I do stand by my views…and let me end with what I had written, because sometimes, at least sometimes, my truth isn’t too far from what you see:

Today, the people who would run down the elite are speaking up for them; they are all into rubbing shoulders and back-scratching. It is a limited edition utopia: our elite vs. their elite.

Tandoori fights: Varun and Kasab

I don’t know who is worse. Seriously.

Both are losing their mental balance.

Varun Gandhi is upset:

"In our country, Varun Gandhi is jailed under the NSA and was having 'lauki' (bottle gourd) in Etah jail but Kasab is treated with 'tandoori chicken' inside the jail."

He added that he likes lauki and is a vegetarian. So, what is his problem? If he wanted something more elaborate, he should have stayed back longer. I am sure his mummy would make some demands.

Right now, since she is dead against dead animals, she has been tutoring her son about dying political parties. This is like a ghost talking about the living:

"I won't comment against Congress as it was breathing its last, my mother had told me that I should not say anything bad against people who are on their deathbed".

- - -

Ajmal Amir Kasab has asked the court for toothpaste, ittar (perfume), Urdu newspapers.

If he can get a private lawyer, then these should not be a problem. If he has dental problems then there will be undue delay; he already gets the news from his lawyer, so not much is hidden... most of it is anyway about him…as for the ittar, I think it might reveal more about the details of the attack depending on which fragrance he chooses.

He also wants to walk outside his barrack:

“Humarein barrack ke samne vaale baramdein mein kuch der ghumne ko chhoda jaaye. Iske liye unko fikar karneki zaroorat nahin kyun ke woh baramdein chaaron taraf se bandh hai (allow me to stroll in the verandah opposite my barrack. Security personnel should not have a problem as the special cell is completely closed).”

This guy sure knows his way around, in more ways than one. His reason for this walk is that he would lose his mental balance if they did not permit him. Ah, now his lawyer can, if they are not allowed, plead insanity for his client.

- - -

Today, I overslept as the next phase of voting happened around me.

I looked at the papers. I was glad I had a dream, instead.

For the rest, this was thrust down their throats under the guise of ‘Awareness drive’:

Indian elections, Issue Pakistan

Set the poll rolling:
Imagining the Taliban

by Farzana Versey

The News International, April 30, 2009

If you do not look at the candidates, the manifestoes and the daily dose of quotes, then you might begin to think that India is voting in the Pakistani elections. Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but the Taliban crisis is what has made the marketing guys tout these as the most important elections in India.

Of the times I have visited Islamabad, I had never heard of Buner. These days, Indian news channel anchors talk about Buner as though it were something in their exclusive backyards. Is this fear psychosis, the ragged remains of the Mumbai attacks which are raked up by every group with chiffon saree and pearls and cotton-silk kurtas and striped ties? These are women and men who are rolling the word 'Bun-air' blithely and lithely off their tongues.

Isn't that why if we cut through the swathe of national issues, then the real vote is against terrorism? The only terrorism we seem to recognise comes from across the border. The more serious media show us scruffy-looking men, heavily armed and bearded, crossing hills. Their destination, we are told, is India and they are supposedly the Taliban. When they realise this sounds ridiculous, they change it to jihadis. The subtle difference having raised the bar of their consciousness, they become eligible to be considered with more gravitas.

It is shocking to hear intelligent commentators hallucinate that if the Taliban were to reach Karachi, they could threaten us. We now even have a reason: some of the 26/11 terrorists did use the sea route. But are they interested in India? The Taliban, or at least Pashtun elements, have always been an important source of anxiety and anger among the Karachiites. They have business dealings there and this would be a part of their spreading the message and taking over Pakistan agenda, if it is that. India does not matter to them politically or even strategically.

I am, therefore, surprised that a retired colonel joined the bandwagon and sought to write an open letter to General Pervez Kayani stating: "Sir, it is imperative that we recognise our enemy without any delay. I use the word 'our' advisedly – for the Taliban threat is not far from India's borders. And the only force that can stop them from dragging Pakistan back into the Stone Age is the force that you command… the future of humankind in the subcontinent rests with you." This is utterly debasing not only to Pakistani civil society but also to the Indian electorate that is being brainwashed with such damaging information and homilies. Interestingly, the onus is being placed on the army, an army that was sought to be thrown out in democratic elections.

While the army in Pakistan has had running tenures for long periods of time, it is in fact often a puppet in the hands of the democrats. After all, it was Zulfikar Ali Bhutto who asked Yahya to arrest Mujibur Rehman. He then took over as leader and promptly released Mujib and arrested Yahya! The only common fallout was that India has had to deal with Bangladeshi immigrants and Pakistan with the Afghan mujahideen during the Soviet incursion.

Pakistan, and not merely the extreme north, has had to deal with bomb blasts; these were not engineered by the Taliban. There are regional and linguistic issues. How serious can a discourse be if it chooses to use an American newspaper's puff prophecy? The CIA had branded Pervez Musharraf as among the ten worst dictators. None of these certificates or crystal ball gazers bothers to provide even broad definitions of what they mean by 'dictator' and, more importantly, 'collapse'.

The economy has collapsed, starting with the west. Did they anticipate it? Elected governments collapse when they are voted out of power. There is a collapse when Israel puts a blockade around Gaza and denies its people basic facilities. Essential services collapse when there are strikes by trade unions – legitimate dissenters. How many more examples of collapse should be provided to explain in perspective that New York Times cannot be taken at face value?

Pakistan, the Taliban and jihad are catch-phrases that might work, especially during election time, but it is rather tragic that so soon after the Assam blasts and the Naxalites going on a killing spree, we have moved on to the Taliban. There is something called ULFA (United Liberation Front of Asom) that has been in existence for years and they in fact are working on a separatist notion that there is some feeble stipulation for and the Naxal Maoist forces constitute the extreme wing of the left, a big party in the electoral process.

One is waiting for an open letter to our army chief regarding the 100 terrorists who have reportedly 'sneaked into Jammu and Kashmir' (one had no idea they would seek permission!). The only thing in our favour is that we are still a democracy with no constitutional provision for a theocracy. Maybe, the good colonel would like to convey that to those propagating dreams of a Hindu Rashtra.

Now, a fatwa to vote!

Can I vote for a drunkard? No, that's not my query. I'd be happy to recommend at least a nice after dinner liquer to erase the taste of kebabs from the palate.

This important question, among others regarding how to cast your vote that won't go against the Shariah, was apparently asked by some Muslims. I do not know how true it must be for one has never heard of such a thing before. But the Darul ul Uloom got its opportunity to issue one more fatwa.

This time it is to vote and for democracy. Which is such a dictatorial thing to do. Getting that ink dot is "as important as a testimony or a witness is in Islam", they said.

Then, the faithful are told that they cannot judge Indian democracy according to Quranic or Hadith principles.

Now, this is wonderful except that by issuing this edict and other past ones they are, and have been, going against their own sage advice.

It has got them brownie points and people will go, "Oh, this is the much-needed reform Muslim society needs." The Darul ul Uloom fellows will be seen as 'leaders'. One more joke.

Who knows this fatwa must have been prompted by some candidate who likes to wash down his rogan josh with Scotch?

I'd say lage raho miyan bhai, but please leave the ordinary Muslim alone to decide whether they want a drunkard, a womaniser or a Sufi high on hash.

No comments

Why no comments? Because the news reports are self-explanatory. Because I am tired of repeating myself. Because how the hell can we trust the CBI and other organisations that keep changing their tune all the time? They are not like witnesses that alter their stand due to pressure or when they turn approvers or dissenters. Okay, this was a sort of comment.

Tytler case (1984-2009)

CBI director Ashwani Kumar overruled the opinion of senior officers on the issue of a clean chit to Congress leader Jagdish Tytler in a 1984 anti-Sikh riots case, sources said.

The joint director and a DIG of the agency recommended that there was a strong case of murder, rioting and damage to property against the leader in the Bara Hindu Rao riots where a number of Sikhs were killed by a mob allegedly incited by Tytler.

Modi case (2002-2009)

One headline read, “Probe Modi’s role in Gujarat carnage”.

I am tired of reading these headlines sporadically for the past seven years.

The current move is in response to Jakia Nasim Ahsan Hussain Jafri’s affidavit. She is the widow of ex-Congress MP Ahsan Jafri, who was killed by a mob at Gulbarg Society. Her charges are:

“The constitutionally elected head of the state (is) responsible for fundamental rights, right to life and property of all citizens regardless of caste, community and gender. Alleged to be the architect of a criminal conspiracy to subvert constitutional governance and the rule of law; unleash unlawful and illegal practices during the mass carnage and thereafter protecting the accused who played a direct as well as indirect role and abetted commission of the crime.”

I am sorry to say nothing will happen. Modi will win by a huge margin.

Picture imperfect, in more ways than one:

L.K.Advaniji, it should be sar pe topi haath mein resham ka rumaal, but the Gandhinagar messiah won’t wear a Gandhi topi and the rumaal would be too mulayam for his taste, so it goes to his head. Or is it a metaphor for ‘logoun ko topi pehna liya’?

A halal toast to the Haji

The afternoon sun wasn't terribly unpleasant. Maybe because I was stepping out after days. Maybe because I could feel the sea breeze.

When we took a turn, the road was half dug up on one side and there was a traffic jam. Some aspiring candidate was campaigning and everything had come to a standstill. There were sleek cars, police jeeps and SUVs. How can anyone think of SUVs in a city like Mumbai?

The candidate is a Haji something or the other. I craned my neck and I saw the gentleman directing traffic. This was supposed to mean that he was like a grassroots man. I put on a suitably impressed smile for man in blue shades behind the wheel of the monster vehicle inching near me.

Craning my neck some more, I wished I were a nubile chick doing the cheerleader pom-pom - the halal version, of course. I saw Haji saab moving his hands frantically. Then a head peered out of a Toyota. Ah, THIS was Haji something or the other. After doing a headcount, I realised they all looked pretty much the same.

The cars were bumper-to-bumper. The photograph of their national leader was towering over all the demonic cars. I couldn't figure out why anyone would campaign at that hour near a seaside promenade.

Even if Haji saab wanted to convey that he had nothing against couples canoodling on the rocks or the low wall, the curve of their butts visible when they bent slightly in their low-slung jeans, it made no sense because except for one fellow frying pakoras on a cane stand and a bhelwalla the road was pretty deserted.

I guess he achieved his target by stopping the traffic. It also meant there were more of his people than the real electorate.

Anyway, I resisted the urge to take a picture and decided that I shall toast Haji saab with a creme brule.

---

I believe the favourite campaign food of politicians is biryani and there are protests when batata vadas are served, which North indians refer to as aloo tikkis, which makes me angry because the batata vada is just so BV.

This reminds me. Why do these nice places one goes to occasionally not understand that if you are likely to eat something and the tables are low, the least they can do is make the crockery less heavy and humongous? It takes special talent to manage to use cutlery and see that the stuff makes its way safely from table to mouth.

Also, when one orders a fancy sandwich stuffed with onion marmalade, among other things, you expect a sandwich. I got two tiny pieces - 1"x3" each - with some artistic brown squiggle that was the sauce. Then, to make the thing look even better, they had another rectangle of watermelon with a mint leaf on top and half a fig, which looked like, well...whatever.

The creme brule was an afterthought.

You cannot toast a good Haji with a half fig that looks like well...whatever.

Trick or treat?

Old BJP dirty tricks at work again.

Arun Shourie suggested that it could be Modi’s turn to be projected as BJP’s prime ministerial nominee after L K Advani as he said, “You have an opportunity to elect the PM not only this time but in the next polls also.”

What is this – some sale where you are offering warrantee?

And this goes against what L.K.Advani has been ranting about:

Advani said if more and more aspirants from the ranks of UPA are staking claims to prime ministership today, it is only because the PM’s post stands “devalued”.

If they are talking about GenNext saffron leaders, then they have no business to talk against Rahul Gandhi and company. Yes, that is dynasty. But people also inherit ideologies and the vile ways of their seniors. That too is a legacy.

- - -

I watched the Priyanka Gandhi interview and have to admit I was charmed by her philosophical take on herself, her ‘forgiveness’ of Nalini, her father’s killer, her little insights into the family.

I was a bit upset that the interviewer, Barkha Dutt, asked her how she was so proficient in Hindi. What does this mean? You can ask this to Sonia Gandhi. Why should Priyanka not be fluent in Hindi? Her grandfather was from Allahabad and UP has been the family’s stomping ground; she was raised in Delhi and Hindi is the second language even in what we call English-medium schools. Huh, what was that query about and why?

Priyanka also said with absolute certainty that she will not join ministerial politics (she did not deny being political because that was what she has been surrounded by).

However, I could not help but notice that she kept plugging her brother Rahul bigtime. He is more outgoing, he is the visionary, he does not suffer fools, he knows exactly what he wants…and so on...

Now if only he knew what the junta wants and did not tell us how proud he is of the poor and other silly things, we might believe her.

- - -

Who are they trying to fool? And if they are not fooling then we truly live in some horrible times. A gangster can call up a politician and ask him to tell the general secretary of his party not to campaign?

This is what Amar Singh of the Samajwadi Party said:

“Chhota Rajan spoke to me politely and requested that Sanjay (who is also an SP general secretary) should not campaign for Azmi. He also claimed that he was a friend of Gurudas Kamat, the Congress nominee in Mumbai North-West.’’

If the call was from an unknown number and the fellow gave him a different name, how does he know it is the gangster? And for someone who has been in a few telephone scams, why did he not record the conversation?

Then he goes on this moping binge:

“When Sanjay and I landed in Mumbai on Thursday night, we found no securitymen around even though I am entitled to Z-plus cover. I immediately contacted chief minister Ashok Chavan who asked me to make an application in writing. Since I did not want Sanjay to be felled by the underworld I advised him not to campaign for Azmi.’’

This is not even funny. Sanjay has to report for shootings? Sanjay does not want to hurt his sister? Sanjay’s background is indeed getting in the way of certain vote banks? Out with it…