4.11.05

You want to know where I am?

I love the scent of Bengay. These mentholated smells are beguiling. I apply the ointment to my shoulder and arms, then cover myself with the comforter and feel transported in a cold-hot atmosphere. Like fire on ice.

But I ought not to love it so much that I mistake it for toothpaste as I did yesterday.
“Do you know you are absent-minded?” a friend asked.


“Hmm…yes, sort of…okay, I know.”

“Do you know what happens?”

Was this the right moment to discuss? The dark twilight vista was spread around me. Should I be getting visions or be confronted with myself?

I sat there smiling - partly from knowing and partly from seeing myself from another’s eyes.

“You are holding conversations or listening and suddenly you are lost…you seem to have gone to a different place, a different thought and then when you ‘come back’ you snap…”

“Snap out?” I asked.

“No, you snap at whoever is with you.”

I flickered like a candle in the wind -- or was it the candle doing the flickering?

Where did I transport myself to in those ‘absent’ moments? I know I get ideas suddenly, line leap out at me and like windy whiplashes I shut my eyes and inhale-exhale with internal fury. I think when I ‘return’, those moments remain with me and having forgotten who/what I was with, I snap.

I am not like that in normal times. But I have no clear concept of what is normal…and most certainly not of Time.

The contradiction is that I am a stickler for punctuality. It is as though I have to reach somewhere before I go away…

5 comments:

  1. Hey new Editor jee - congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  2. he beat me to it. . . i shall have to get over not being first! congratulations on the executive editorship. have fun with it and all the best!

    love, a.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  4. Ana, Subroto:

    I refuse to thank both of you...you are Chowkies and the greater thanks will be when you do what you are supposed to do. Stick your neck out there...and be a part of what you have always been.

    Yeh kya baat hui...jab mehfil khulee hai, aap log anjaan sheh'r mein uss hi mehfil ki baat kartein hai....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Farzana,
    Chalo, na shukriya kehna. Subroto ka tau pata nahiN, par meiN tau aajkal anjaan sheh'r maiN hi rehti hooN. Kya kaheN, voh duniya, voh mehfil mere kaam ki nahiN. :) shatarmurgh (no, that's peacock i think, i want to say ostrich) ki tarah, sar rait maiN daba hai. vahiN aajkal kuchh araam-o-sukooN hai. meri gardan ab itni door nahin nikalti, kya kaheN, voh zor ya sab'r ab nahiN rahi.

    umeed hai ke aik din mujhe isske liye ma'af kar diya jai ga.

    khyaal rakkhna. tumhari hi,
    kaTputli

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