I am not too sure what friends really mean…I think a passing smile, a fraction of a glance, a polite voice over the phone by strangers is less cumbersome to deal with.
At least there is no exchange of unspoken guarantees and promises of no expiry dates like all sturdy friendships demand.
I have resisted several friendships because I was not sure the person was genuine or if I felt that I would not be able to give my time and space. I am happy enough with those fleeting moments connecting with strangers who do not even have to say goodbye.
A friend who comes and goes is as much a stranger...a friend who takes another for granted is behaving in a strange fashion...a friend who has to keep several considerations in mind to keep up the friendship is a stranger...a friend who you are close to physically but cannot share things with is a stranger...a friend who inhabits your mind but not your heart is a stranger...a friend you feel for but can do nothing about is a stranger...
There is a world of friends and there is a world of strangers...and there is a world of choices we have to make and those that others make for us.
Often we get hurt because we cannot tell the two apart. Sometimes, one takes time out to sort out the confusion. For example, I know I am committed to certain things...I am willing to go half way. The question gets complicated when after reaching the halfway mark you find you have either lost your way or the point you are at is the same where you started.
Nothing can exist in isolation. From now on, I will let life do the talking for me... it always did, making me pretend that it was my voice. I shall go where Destiny takes me. It is anyway a better judge than I am.
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Just looking through your page.(Yes, I should be studying.)
ReplyDeleteVery interesting this, it's been on my mind of late. I've never really been able to actually open up to who is supposed to be my "best friend"; ask anyone, and they'll invariably say we're inseparable. Thought so myself. Not so.
This other person I hardly knew till a year ago...we talk, we connect, like ol' pals. Different as chalk and cheese but there's this mutual understanding. Friends? I'd damn well say so.
(Also, and desperate as this may sound, I happen to be trying to seduce her. She won't stomach it. Any ideas?)
And why am I telling you all this? Beacuse you're a stranger and I like my masks and also because (excuse the liberty) you're a friend.
On a different note, you sound much younger here...3 years isn't all that long is it?
Hmm...I guess you should be studying...or is this also a part of education? Much in life is...
ReplyDeleteYes, there will be people who think you are best friends, or friends...it is a matter of how one thinks (I shan't say define)of friendship.
Seduction? There is mutual understanding, you chat like old pals...and I imagine you wear no masks there. How do you know she won't stomach it? It must be instinct. And it is possible she won't and might see it as a breach of trust. Tread slowly and stop being 'friendly'.
PS: I sound different at different periods and intermittently. I don't think I sound young here...maybe because you identity more with this, you are seeing some sort of 'comparison'. But old women too rock when they are on a roll!
It's a matter of morals for her. Religion, you know...which is interesting because it is, after all, the same for both of us.
ReplyDeleteInteresting talk we have too...about fifteen minutes of me making a fool out of myself, a minute of her saying "no" a thousand different ways, and then hours of "normal" bakwaas, and it's not just me being 'friendly'. I really should stop :(
Perseverance does NOT command success.
(Sorry for this, honestly. Am not usually such a 'blabber'.)
You do sound young to me here, not just in this particular piece. Can't say exactly why. Or is young the wrong word? Quieter somehow? Less sure?
And education...ha, that's everything except for what they give you at school and college and university- a shit load of exams that put you on beta blockers.
Don't worry about the blabbering, as you call it...except that i have to return to my 'past' and this 'young' business...oh, let the crone grow old gracefully...
ReplyDeleteDon't know about perseverance paying off...the question to ask is: why did you need to persevere? If the answers satisfy you, then it is worth it.
PS: I continue to be "less sure" often...
Sorry about that...the 'old' bit, and you having to come back here...but is it ok if I talk?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the thing about her. All cliches aside, she's an obsession. I feel hollow without her...it's obviously very one-sided, and any such thoughts couldn't be further from her mind. Then why won't she stop seeing me? Is it 'kindness'? What is it? I need to persevere because I don't feel as if I could bear not having this delusion, or hope, whatever you want to call it. With a sister whose sole object in life seems to be to "make me straight", it's a relief to know there are slightly less homophobic people in the city....and beautiful ones at that.
And I really shouldn't be throwing all this your way...what right have I to discuss purely personal issues on someone else's blog? Just don't have anyone else to discuss it with. If you want me to stop, just say so.
It is ok to talk, but I will have questions...too many loose ends here that I don't understand...
ReplyDeleteWithout probing into those...
People often like the idea of being someobody's obsession even if they do not wish to reciprocate. It is more complex than kindness...
Why do you call it delusion? The hollow without her or the hollow with her are vastly different...live the one with, if it does not cause you strain. Persevere only upto the point...then let your feelings merge into the ether. Maybe she will find herself enveloped and do something...
Am sorry i have to reply in this manner because the info is limited, and, no, I am not curious.
I may not be able to give adequate and timely replies...but be good to yourself always...
Let me try to explain.
ReplyDeleteI can't stop thinking about her, that's the whole problem. It's not normal to be so transfixed. The most she's ever said directly is "whatever". The rest is a lot of hedging and mincing of words, which I've interpreted as 'no'. And reminders that there is such a thing as Hell....which makes me hope that it's a moral issue.
Sometimes I think she really doesn't give a damn. But then...wouldn't she have been much more explicit? There's no sense in stringing someone along if you're not at least nominally interested, right?
And this is stupid, but...I did say we seem like old pals but....she becomes jittery if I happen to touch her. It's not as though I'm trying to feel her up, for crying out loud. Someone should explain that to her-frustratingly enough, she doesn't seem to believe me. I can't wear a bloody straitjacket.
Oh and yeah...thanks, FV
ReplyDeleteHmmm...she has started joking about it with our friends. Nothing mean or anything, but it makes me wonder if she really is that flippant about it.
ReplyDeleteIf only I could stop thinking about her...I don\'t enjoy the obsession ok. It\'s already boiling hot, I can\'t sleep anyway.
Do you know how difficult it is for me to say anything that will come form a position of 'ignorance'?
ReplyDeleteIf I knew you, I'd say give it respite...stay away from her and see her reaction...don't worry about the obsession and your constant need to think of her; at least she is real. People get obsessed with anonymous people :)
And listen to the song I have posted today...
Finally, it is over. She has hooked up with some guy I don't know(no religious issues now, ha) and soon I will kick her out of my mind.
ReplyDeleteFor now, songs will do.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=goQUQPZsDeU