Jocks Apart: Why can't men want to be men?

I am very happy with AussiBum. It has brought out a range of undies for men wanting to look bigger. “It basically lifts, separates and extends,” said aussieBum founder Sean Ashby. “This design uses all of the natural assets of the person, whether they be big, small or indifferent.”

Most people are saying, oh, how silly, who cares about such things…liars! If it is being marketed as the equivalent of the Wonderbra, then one should respect men’s need to appear physically not lacking. Besides, it isn’t padding up and faking, as many women’s beauty and intimate products do. Let us cut the guys some slack.

For the past few days I have been watching TV ads for a multinational bank. It features actor Rahul Bose playing golf, being chilled out in the boardroom and generally in charge of his life, his money and perhaps a lot else. It just doesn’t work. The problem is that like in the rest of the world, the urban Indian too is now into this “sex symbol for the intelligent woman/man” rubbish.

A sex symbol is a sex symbol. Period. Just as I do not want some mobile phone company to sell me stupid pink handsets “for ladies”, I don’t want anyone to tell me who/what type ought to be my sex symbol, if I need any.

It is entirely possible that I lack intelligence, but Rahul Bose is not a sex symbol. He is a fine actor and an interesting director; his Everybody Says I’m Fine was so wonderfully pretentious and I mean it without sarcasm for it went superbly with the non-linear narrative. But everytime I see him giving sound bytes, I get completely put off. There is so much hot air, so much effort at being The Man of The Moment that you realise the sort isn't going to last long.

And most women work equally hard to tell us that they aren’t interested in superficials and what is “down there”; they want to know what is “up there”. Big deal. For starters, truly intelligent and engaging women would attract men with some special qualities. If they think it is perfectly fine to languish in some prison where they get turned on by a male voice discussing binary positions, then suit yourself, honey.

It is getting tiresome to listen to them parrot the same old crap about how sex appeal lies between the ears. Oh, yawnnn…No wonder men get put off by women who eff their minds. They are probably hypocrites who in the privacy of the bedroom taunt the guy about performance or get cantankerous and complain about other things.

The problem is that these women believe they are upholding the ‘anti-body’ values that lead to debauched, regressive minds, yadda, yadda. Bull. When they fall for that ‘sex symbol for the intelligent woman’ bait, they too are little puppets being pulled by the strings of some utopian idea of a laggard posing as the ultimate dream. This is as disgusting as the smelly slobs being thrust in our faces as the retro male whose sweat is supposed to send you in a frenzy.

I wish we could make life simple. Men look at women, women’s assets. There may be a difference of degrees, but the bottomline is assets. Women too look for, if not at, assets. The reaction may not be as basic as that of men, but it has immense…erm…aesthetic worth.

Trust me. Lips don’t lie!