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| 'Abs'olutely ridiculous |
Later, during Narendra Modi’s session, the moderator asked him about his new sense of style. So, it really was quite a bit about style and bile over substance.
More on this after I am…err…dressed for it.
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
20.3.11
'Con'claves and undressing
Later, during Narendra Modi’s session, the moderator asked him about his new sense of style. So, it really was quite a bit about style and bile over substance.
More on this after I am…err…dressed for it.
6.3.11
Rear Rural
“Simply put your nose to the tin and peel back the lid for the authentic smell of the country”.
My experiences with the countryside have been rather interesting, both in India as well as abroad, although at home we just call them villages. I get all excited about the quiet, the pure air, away from the hub, no traffic, simple people, organic food and after a few days I become restless.
The silence isn’t soothing; it is desultory. A nose that has become accustomed to what may be industrial fumes is assailed with all kinds of ‘natural’ smells that may not be as harmless, especially if they are in unhygienic surroundings. I dislike the hub and stay away from it at home, but when I am in this rural utopia and reach the city I want to jump with joy. And I don’t care much for organic food. In a village on the outskirts of Mumbai I have had the most simple food prepared by a most simple woman that gave me a bad tummy and a bad temper because she was so nice and wanted to know why I did not like doing womanly things.
The barking of dogs, the crowing of cocks and shepherds going “harrrrr” as they sauntered off gave me many a photo-op, and a few smiles, but then I wanted the alarm clock to ring. Besides, for how long can one lovingly watch an insect perched on the hand or stand transfixed before a beehive? Honey, I've got the stuff they do. Really. And the special smells did not register, although I am a ‘nosey’ person.
I admit I am a sniffer and in school would go down on buses to inhale petrol fumes. So, you might well shoot back, who am I to question this innovative bottled wind-breaking idea?
I was not buying the fumes or missing them. If there wasn’t a bus around I wouldn’t go crawling beneath cars. One does not need to think much to figure out that this is merely a new market. As the designer of the ‘Countryside air to go’ project said:
“We hope to make people who miss the countryside happy and remind them of home. We are planning other smells such as horse, straw, pigs and manure. But most people miss the smell of the cows in the country, not really surprising as much of the smell is from cows.”
It is pretty harmless, of course. I wonder what happens when we miss people.
5.3.11
Blank Sex
After five minutes of deep contemplation, I am ready with my book 'What Every Woman Thinks About Apart From Sex'. It will have blank pages to convey that no one knows what a woman is thinking of, even regarding sex. Of course, to make sure that I am taken seriously I will refer to the ‘painstaking research’ that went into the effort.
Will it be a bestseller?
If my luck is as good as Sheridan Simove’s, then yes. The Oxford graduate’s work 'What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex' has raced ahead of Harry Potter and Dan Brown. It is listed at number 744 on Amazon. The 200 blank pager that is supposed to suggest the answer to his thesis is “nothing” is sheer gimmick and one is surprised at the stupidity of the ‘readers’ as well as, I am afraid, the ‘writer’. You might say that a man who has such entrepreneurial skills cannot be stupid. It depends on how we define entrepreneurs and stupidity.
He explains:
For years different studies have been telling us that men think about sex every two seconds or whatever. What sort of hard work did such discovery involve? Did he speak to men from different cultures and spheres of life? What did he notice when men were performing other tasks – did they get moony-eyed or cast lustful glances or went all the way and got spasmodic? What exactly constitutes ‘thinking’? Did professionals doing their jobs imagine sexual imagery in their work areas – like cardiologists saw a hole in the heart and the mechanical engineer looked for the right lubricating agent?
Students in Britain are happily shelling out £4.69 for the book. It has become a “craze”, but they are taking lecture notes on those blank pages. Any person who feels it is “gratifying to see my book outselling many other academic works whose authors claim to have worked even harder than I to break new ground and further the extent of human knowledge” would pause and question his posture. Not so, Sheridan:
This is the sit-down version of stand-up comic stuff. He is so obsessed with the idea of thinking about sex and his now-popular ratings that he imagines the use of his work as a notebook will help the students to get laid. He has threatened to write a similar book about women, but as of now he knows precious little. Women do not get excited seeing men/boys reading books on sex, especially if they are empty. Women don’t like vacuums or the vacuous.
And guys may think of sex often, but they grow up and find it sexier to hit the ball or the competitor harder. Now if only Sheridan had tied his labour of lust with a nice leather whip then both men and women might have had something to do besides taking notes on calculus.
Will it be a bestseller?
If my luck is as good as Sheridan Simove’s, then yes. The Oxford graduate’s work 'What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex' has raced ahead of Harry Potter and Dan Brown. It is listed at number 744 on Amazon. The 200 blank pager that is supposed to suggest the answer to his thesis is “nothing” is sheer gimmick and one is surprised at the stupidity of the ‘readers’ as well as, I am afraid, the ‘writer’. You might say that a man who has such entrepreneurial skills cannot be stupid. It depends on how we define entrepreneurs and stupidity.
He explains:
“This book is the result of 39 years of painstaking research and practical study into the subject. I left nothing to chance and really threw myself into my work. After many years of hard work I finally realised that men think of absolutely nothing apart from sex. It was a shocking conclusion and I realised that the world needed to be informed of my findings.”Huh? He is 39, so has he been studying and practising this even while he was burping out baby vomit?
For years different studies have been telling us that men think about sex every two seconds or whatever. What sort of hard work did such discovery involve? Did he speak to men from different cultures and spheres of life? What did he notice when men were performing other tasks – did they get moony-eyed or cast lustful glances or went all the way and got spasmodic? What exactly constitutes ‘thinking’? Did professionals doing their jobs imagine sexual imagery in their work areas – like cardiologists saw a hole in the heart and the mechanical engineer looked for the right lubricating agent?
Students in Britain are happily shelling out £4.69 for the book. It has become a “craze”, but they are taking lecture notes on those blank pages. Any person who feels it is “gratifying to see my book outselling many other academic works whose authors claim to have worked even harder than I to break new ground and further the extent of human knowledge” would pause and question his posture. Not so, Sheridan:
“I never anticipated that my book would be used for students to take their lecture notes in. In a sense they are proving me wrong by filling my book with content. But I wonder how many of them go back to thinking about sex once the lecture is over. I’d be willing to bet that answer is 100%. In fact I would go even further and estimate that 99% are thinking about sex even during the lecture. They probably think using my book as a notepad will help them get laid. And they are of course totally correct in that hypothesis.”
This is the sit-down version of stand-up comic stuff. He is so obsessed with the idea of thinking about sex and his now-popular ratings that he imagines the use of his work as a notebook will help the students to get laid. He has threatened to write a similar book about women, but as of now he knows precious little. Women do not get excited seeing men/boys reading books on sex, especially if they are empty. Women don’t like vacuums or the vacuous.
And guys may think of sex often, but they grow up and find it sexier to hit the ball or the competitor harder. Now if only Sheridan had tied his labour of lust with a nice leather whip then both men and women might have had something to do besides taking notes on calculus.
1.3.11
An Hour at the Oscars
“Did you watch the TV?” asked my newly-exported friend from Ludhiana
“Yes, yes. Tanu weds Manu promos all over.”
“No, no, stop being so desi. We are world players.”
“I cannot watch the World Cup matches because Shane Warne is predicting everything before.”
“Don’t take that Aussie man’s name. He pataoed Liz and took away our woman.”
“Our woman?”
“She was married to tycoon Arun, no?”
“What tycoon? Anyway, what am I supposed to watch?”
“The Oscars!”
“It was telecast at 4 a.m India time and then 7.30 a.m…”
“If you can wake up early for that thing…you know what you like doing…your stupid writing…then this is international. You are so desi.”
“Right, but why are you so excited? I know who got the awards, so my general knowledge won’t suffer. Have you watched any of the films? What were your favourites?”
“Films? Who cares! There was one fellow who was like stuttering, then this woman who was doing some ballet-shallet, then some fighter, and even Facebook fellow was there. Hai, that was nice because all my relatives are on it, so we are all family.”
“If you have not watched any of the films, then what are you so enthusiastic about?”
“It is the whole atmosphere. The red carpet, the gowns, my, such lovely ones.”
“I saw this event on an entertainment channel and they went on and on about those stupid maxis, sorry gowns.”
“What is stupid, hain? Even Aishwariya Rai wore one and Mallika Sherawat wore one.”
“Oh, so they wore one each, that’s interesting. Did A. R. Rahman wear one too?”
“Don’t be mean. Bechara did not win this time, serves him right for leaving poor slumdogs, but he is so modest, he just kept smiling like a buddha.”
“You mean like the Buddha.”
“Oh, whatever. His wife they say was wearing Indo-Western fusion and carried a designer clutch.”
“I saw her wearing some thick dupatta. The western part may have been hidden.”
“What did you think of Ash and Mallika?”
“I did not notice what they wore. I was concentrating on their accents. Mallika spoke as though she was at a baseball match rooting for Rahman and Aishwariya said something about how nice it was to be ‘celebrating cinema like we do back home’. Very funny.”
“Chalo, this is global talk. You really must understand. I think Halle Berry’s nude was lovely.”
“I wish that was how she’d have been. She wore some ruffled stuff.”
“Ah, tell me more. I like to hear desi opinion on all this.”
“Sure. Even our media discusses it as though they were there and they are them, the same language, the same encomiums, the same kind of dissing. Heck, if the foreign press says it looked like table cloth, ours' modified it to table napkins. Original. Here, I have patience only for a couple of them. Penelope Cruz was in something shiny and looked a bit plump. And Cate Blanchett wore an atrocious dress with a yoke that looked like an upturned baby’s bib. Most were in red and most gowns looked either like some armour or like slips that needed something to be worn over them.”
“Wait baba, I must correct you. They have to show cleavage and their bodies. It is open society and even in India everyone is showing off.”
“True. I have no problem with revealing clothes, but they looked not quite complete.”
“This is high fashion, the best designers.”
“Is it about cinema or fashion? Why do these super actors have to announce which designer’s clothes they are wearing? If they have paid for them, then it is theirs.”
“Labels, darrrling, labels. You don’t understand.”
“I have seen some of the nighties on Linking Road and a few long kameezes at Crawford Market that don’t look much different.”
“This is desi mentality. It is the cut, the lines.”
“And the bulges. But why are we discussing this?”
“Okay, tell me about the speeches.”
“Speeches? Ooh-aah, I dunnowhattosaythisisjustsoaahsomepinchme…aah,sniff,owkhay, Imustthankgodthemazingteamthatmadeitpossible…ooh, Istillcan’tbelieveit…blah.”
“I am ashamed of you,” said my NRI friend. “As an Indian you should understand emotions.”
“Haan, butwhatemotionsarethereifyousoundlikeyouaresquirtingforthefirsttime?
“Whatttt arrr you saying?”
“Just being global.”
“Yes, yes. Tanu weds Manu promos all over.”
“No, no, stop being so desi. We are world players.”
“I cannot watch the World Cup matches because Shane Warne is predicting everything before.”
“Don’t take that Aussie man’s name. He pataoed Liz and took away our woman.”
“Our woman?”
“She was married to tycoon Arun, no?”
“What tycoon? Anyway, what am I supposed to watch?”
“The Oscars!”
“It was telecast at 4 a.m India time and then 7.30 a.m…”
“If you can wake up early for that thing…you know what you like doing…your stupid writing…then this is international. You are so desi.”
“Right, but why are you so excited? I know who got the awards, so my general knowledge won’t suffer. Have you watched any of the films? What were your favourites?”
“Films? Who cares! There was one fellow who was like stuttering, then this woman who was doing some ballet-shallet, then some fighter, and even Facebook fellow was there. Hai, that was nice because all my relatives are on it, so we are all family.”
“If you have not watched any of the films, then what are you so enthusiastic about?”
“It is the whole atmosphere. The red carpet, the gowns, my, such lovely ones.”
“I saw this event on an entertainment channel and they went on and on about those stupid maxis, sorry gowns.”
“What is stupid, hain? Even Aishwariya Rai wore one and Mallika Sherawat wore one.”
“Oh, so they wore one each, that’s interesting. Did A. R. Rahman wear one too?”
“Don’t be mean. Bechara did not win this time, serves him right for leaving poor slumdogs, but he is so modest, he just kept smiling like a buddha.”
“You mean like the Buddha.”
“Oh, whatever. His wife they say was wearing Indo-Western fusion and carried a designer clutch.”
“I saw her wearing some thick dupatta. The western part may have been hidden.”
“What did you think of Ash and Mallika?”
“I did not notice what they wore. I was concentrating on their accents. Mallika spoke as though she was at a baseball match rooting for Rahman and Aishwariya said something about how nice it was to be ‘celebrating cinema like we do back home’. Very funny.”
“Chalo, this is global talk. You really must understand. I think Halle Berry’s nude was lovely.”
“I wish that was how she’d have been. She wore some ruffled stuff.”
“Ah, tell me more. I like to hear desi opinion on all this.”
“Sure. Even our media discusses it as though they were there and they are them, the same language, the same encomiums, the same kind of dissing. Heck, if the foreign press says it looked like table cloth, ours' modified it to table napkins. Original. Here, I have patience only for a couple of them. Penelope Cruz was in something shiny and looked a bit plump. And Cate Blanchett wore an atrocious dress with a yoke that looked like an upturned baby’s bib. Most were in red and most gowns looked either like some armour or like slips that needed something to be worn over them.”
“Wait baba, I must correct you. They have to show cleavage and their bodies. It is open society and even in India everyone is showing off.”
“True. I have no problem with revealing clothes, but they looked not quite complete.”
“This is high fashion, the best designers.”
“Is it about cinema or fashion? Why do these super actors have to announce which designer’s clothes they are wearing? If they have paid for them, then it is theirs.”
“Labels, darrrling, labels. You don’t understand.”
“I have seen some of the nighties on Linking Road and a few long kameezes at Crawford Market that don’t look much different.”
“This is desi mentality. It is the cut, the lines.”
“And the bulges. But why are we discussing this?”
“Okay, tell me about the speeches.”
“Speeches? Ooh-aah, I dunnowhattosaythisisjustsoaahsomepinchme…aah,sniff,owkhay, Imustthankgodthemazingteamthatmadeitpossible…ooh, Istillcan’tbelieveit…blah.”
“I am ashamed of you,” said my NRI friend. “As an Indian you should understand emotions.”
“Haan, butwhatemotionsarethereifyousoundlikeyouaresquirtingforthefirsttime?
“Whatttt arrr you saying?”
“Just being global.”
22.12.10
Definitely!
Mirriam-Webster’s can keep its austere pragmatism to itself. I’ve got my own ideas. The dictionary has got out its list of top ten words of the year based on what people went sniffing around for.
The real meaning will be available at the site and others, but what are words if they cannot provide some delicious new meanings?
Here are my definitions to the chosen 10:
1. austerity: Ossifying basic needs so that you can have the temerity to pretend you were accustomed to luxuries
2. pragmatic: The ability to brag about being pneumatic
3. moratorium: Putting a stop to morals at the last minute.
4. socialism: A political ideology that allows you to socialise without feeling guilty
5. bigot: A shortened term for big idiot
6. doppelganger: A gangster who is trying to repel his dope habit
7. shellacking: A lack of shells to chuck
8. ebullient: A schizophrenic bullish attitude that is always close to turning lenient
9. dissident: Someone who disses anything that lacks teeth
10. furtive: The use of fur to pretend to be what you are not
I have never been a dictionary junkie even though I love words. When I was young, I would mark the ones I did not know the meanings of and try to figure out what they meant in the sentence, within the context. It was a long process, but exciting. I was often wrong, but I was right too. How did I know? I asked people who did. It gave me an opportunity to discover words, discover the possibility of their usage and to know how much others knew!
I find the idea of people who are interested in current affairs running to check words that are used quite commonly rather curious. Some would consider it a step towards knowledge. In a way, it is. But, if the word ‘austerity’ has made it on the basis of the hits during a time of crisis, in Greece to begin with, where people went on strike and there was acute shortage of essentials, then I find this sort of intelligence seeking mercenary, taking the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’ to another level of was bliss.
Besides, dictionary definitions can be rather limiting. Each culture has such wonderful colloquialisms and slang and meshing of dialects to include in the mainstream of English that a static definition just cannot convey. Purists would look down upon it, but then purists happily gorge on Latin proverbs and those French exclamations and Spanish forms of address to make perfectly capable Anglo-Saxon look like a mixed-up soup. If that’s what we permit, then let’s just add various condiments and learn the language of our thoughts. So, what’s on your mind?
The real meaning will be available at the site and others, but what are words if they cannot provide some delicious new meanings?
Here are my definitions to the chosen 10:
1. austerity: Ossifying basic needs so that you can have the temerity to pretend you were accustomed to luxuries
2. pragmatic: The ability to brag about being pneumatic
3. moratorium: Putting a stop to morals at the last minute.
4. socialism: A political ideology that allows you to socialise without feeling guilty
5. bigot: A shortened term for big idiot
6. doppelganger: A gangster who is trying to repel his dope habit
7. shellacking: A lack of shells to chuck
8. ebullient: A schizophrenic bullish attitude that is always close to turning lenient
9. dissident: Someone who disses anything that lacks teeth
10. furtive: The use of fur to pretend to be what you are not
I have never been a dictionary junkie even though I love words. When I was young, I would mark the ones I did not know the meanings of and try to figure out what they meant in the sentence, within the context. It was a long process, but exciting. I was often wrong, but I was right too. How did I know? I asked people who did. It gave me an opportunity to discover words, discover the possibility of their usage and to know how much others knew!
I find the idea of people who are interested in current affairs running to check words that are used quite commonly rather curious. Some would consider it a step towards knowledge. In a way, it is. But, if the word ‘austerity’ has made it on the basis of the hits during a time of crisis, in Greece to begin with, where people went on strike and there was acute shortage of essentials, then I find this sort of intelligence seeking mercenary, taking the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’ to another level of was bliss.
Besides, dictionary definitions can be rather limiting. Each culture has such wonderful colloquialisms and slang and meshing of dialects to include in the mainstream of English that a static definition just cannot convey. Purists would look down upon it, but then purists happily gorge on Latin proverbs and those French exclamations and Spanish forms of address to make perfectly capable Anglo-Saxon look like a mixed-up soup. If that’s what we permit, then let’s just add various condiments and learn the language of our thoughts. So, what’s on your mind?
15.11.08
Dry TV, wet Dostana
There is no television these days, since there is a strike. I am a dinnertime couch potato, so I am doing what everyone is – surfing channels. Yesterday I sat through some college romance. The same old stuff is still going on – woman dropping papers, guy picking it up, eyes meeting and then there is love.
I saw a re-run of some mythological serial and wondered if god was all about flying objects then UFOs make a lot of sense.
The news channels are by far worse than I thought. The Hindi shows are called Khabardar and such…then all debates have the same people saying the same things, dressing the way they always do.
They are truly more entertaining than the soaps. There is drama – the narco tests are major; religion – the sadhus, sadhvi, mullahs all talking about nothing; emotion – anger, tears, laughter, greed, you got it all; human interest – here is the journo who holds the mike like a lollipop, and seems to have that mental age, taking you to a poor man’s house. Camera pans to utensils, and grimy walls which are mostly blue. I have no clue why. Then poor man says something about poverty; poor woman uses saree pallu and sniffs and says the same thing. This is gender equality. Back to Ms/Mr. Lollipop (gender equality, yoo-hoo) who says we just saw how poor they are.
They take us back to the chaka-chak chamakta studio where someone will show us graphs about poverty and there may be a panel discussion – one suited man, one in khadi kurta, one woman in slightly stylish clothes, who will be a psychologist, and the other in a saree or salwaar kameez with long earrings, most likely an academician, who will disagree with the psychologist, the suit and the khadi kurta because she does not like all these.
There will be some jerky images of more rooms with utensils and suddenly you will see them being scrubbed and come out looking shiny. Turns out this is an ad for a dishwashing soap bar.
I can’t tell the difference most times.
Now news channels have a last segment which promotes a film. The current favourite is Dostana. Presenting to you a review without seeing the film
- - -
Dostana is based on two guys looking for accommodation in Miami; they decide to portray themselves as gay because of some stupid reason. The landlady is a chic woman and they both fall in love with her…blah-blah…
I believe 
it is an entertaining film. It has many laughs. Good.
From what I read the gay jokes are being given a thumbs up because mainstream Bollywood has done it. So what? Mainstream Bollywood shows all kinds of relationships.
What concerns me is that it had to be a pretence; it wasn’t a serious relationship. They may not poke fun at gays (and hello, isn’t it time the gay community began to take a bit of humour?) but they do not have the courage to be gay, really gay.
And what about the woman? She has a pad in Miami that she is letting out, so she has made some decisions on her own. Why is it that for one who is quite hip she seems comfortable only around gay men? This is the same old cliché.
I am stuck with male homosexuality because, unfortunately, women are not really sought to be a force even here. Don’t throw Fire at me. This was frustration with the spouses that drove the women to do a bit of massaging. Why must it always be a reaction to patriarchy?
- - -
Time for my dose of suit-kurta-earrings and barf. Wait…I shall watch a film only for one song. Safar for:
Jeevan se bhari teri aankhein
Majboor kare jeene ke liye
8.10.08
6.10.08
Why do we have to believe Zardari?
Asif Ali Zardari has described militants operating in Jammu and Kashmir as terrorists. Our reports are talking about how this statement has “warmed the cockles of Indian hearts”. The mush-mush goes on:
“This is the first time a top Pakistani leader has dared to state this in public and vindicate the stand of the Indian establishment.”
We are even more stupid than I thought. He was giving an interview to the Wall Street Journal sitting in New York. He has to use the word terrorism to save his skin. And we need a novice to vindicate our stand? Look at this Zardarism:
“India has never been a threat to Pakistan. I, for one, and our democratic government are not scared of Indian influence abroad.’’
“Why would we begrudge the largest democracy in the world getting friendly with one of the oldest democracy?’’
As usual South Block came up with its kneejerk reaction:
“Whatever the situation in Pakistan, Zardari is the leader of his country and it is important for us that he makes the right noises. He seemed very positive in New York too when he met PM Manmohan Singh and promised to eliminate terror. This statement actually signals a shift in Pakistan’s stand.’’
What shift? Every leader talks of eliminating terror, as though terror is its baap ki jaaydaad. He did take a swipe at his predecessor by noting that former President Pervez Musharraf would more likely have called them “freedom fighters”.
Sure. As he too will in good time when he gets over this euphoria of the American autumn.
I am surprised that Indian authorities are letting a Pakistani leader speak on behalf of what we have been shouting is a part of our country.
Now you tell me what’s going on…
24.9.08
Up mine?
Nooo… have been auto-suggesting this for a few days now. No writing about how I started writing this blog three years ago on this day. No senti stuff. Just go on as though nothing has happened. No one notices. Really. 
But what to do? Even Khomeini was born on this day 106 years ago.
Now, you can read what you want about the Ayatollah, but no one will tell you a thing about me.
So, here’s to me, each applies at different times:
When you want to tear your hair
When you think I am half-way there
When I am doing something right
And finally:
“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
- Oscar Wilde
“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
- Oscar Wilde
19.9.08
Trivial pursuit - 6
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Amazing…and all this so it can taste worms and the occasional leftover bits of liver and flakes thrown at it? And then we applaud nature. Forget the sunrise and sunset and the ocean tides…say wow, look at those taste buds. Just throw me a worm and I can give you 27,000 interpretations of it. Humans are of course lower down in the evolutionary scale –we have only 10,000 of those buds tickling our tongues.
What do we do with those? I only know sweet, sour, bitter, spicy, hot, cold, rancid, and tasteless, like water and chewing gum that has been chewed into a hard ball.
All those connoisseurs will go sniffing at the wine in the glass, the one with a small opening so that the aroma does not escape, then take a sip, roll it on their tongue (where else will they roll it?), then nod their heads and pronounce their verdict. Ah, be careful, hold it by the stem or it will get all warm and fuzzy and ruin the temperature. Damn, the wine did not complain when it was rotting in the barrel.
All right, I have now lost complete track of taste buds. You got Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Thai, Indian, Puerto Rican, French, English, and the rest of the Commonwealth and European Union. You still do not have use for 10,000 taste buds. Even if you try out cockroaches, ants, and other delicacies.
So, I don’t understand why nature has bestowed upon the cat fish all those taste buds. Do they even chew worms and let them rest on the tongue long enough for anything to register?
Heck, it is said that if you and I hold our breath, then apple and onion taste the same.
Now, why would anyone hold their breath for this?
But then if we shut our eyes we can’t tell cat fish from anything large and amphibian. Go ahead, enjoy nature’s bounty. And tell me how it tastes.
18.9.08
Anonymous incorporated
There is some confusion here about anon versus anons. To tell wheat from rice and not to chaff, I shall list out possible names depending on the sort of comments the anonymous people make:
- FV is a jihadi: Green with ennui
- Her heart belongs to Pakistan: Dil rue-ba
- This blog stinks: Skunk
- Ohh, she is so vain: Pig-on-lipstick
- You must read Faiz/Neruda/Falooda: Mirza Ghayab
- You can’t cook, so here’s a recipe: Khan Salmon
- You keep talking about hair: Zulf fikar bhugto
- She is such a bitch sometimes: I-am-da-bone
- Too much sex here: Gees Pot
- She is after those poor Kashmiri Pandits: Dal-dal Lake
- It is not cyanide but rat poison: Mickey mouse in diss-ney
- I am the only one who likes her: Dinosaur
2.8.08
They're talkin' 'bout me...phew...
In one of those sessions where they discuss me, someone asked, “Who is Farzana Versey?” (Why are people so blah and blah about her and so forth…)
My take:
She is Nobody. I mean, she does not appear in any tangible form all that often. Therefore, she could be deemed a ghost. How do people react to ghosts? They get spooked out, or they are fascinated, or they create stories.
I shall talk about the last…
The story begins often with a straight narration of the person who was. The words she spoke/wrote…in the course of the retelling, people add their own bits. A mythology is created around stray sentences. Mythologies are not based on context; they need not be. Now, without a context, the ghost can appear really evil.
The advantage when you create such a spook is you can give it several nuances and accuse it of double standards. This is precious. The ‘subject’ has said clearly what she believes in, she has provided her version of facts, she has not gone back on anything. Where are the double standards? And on what grounds do those making the accusations believe that their versions of the facts are right? They assume she has created ‘villains’. It is really adding Bollywood masala to a good ole ghost story.
The spectre needs that whistling wind sound, flickering candles…it also needs a ‘hook’.
This is where the other issue of elitism comes in. That is really difficult to digest. It makes even a joke attempt ‘humour’. So the ghost appears in her outsize Chanel shades. Anyone with a quarter of a brain will know that if one is to portray someone as posh, then you do not place her standing near a paanwalla asking for tambakoo. But, and this is the crucial BUT, this is the paradigm the individuals concerned are accustomed to. They probably pronounced Chanel as “Channel”, which was earlier enunciated as “Chaa-null” during the times they got excited when some aunt brought home “Chaa-null number paanch” (Chanel No.5), which is where they get to the paanwalla… “arre bhai, jaraa choona-tambakoo maarna paanch sau bees par”.
These people are now settled in the US, have done well, and are lauded for their lifestyle (which means Shaan masala sprinkled over the Brie)…they are investment bankers, software engineers. They first learned to knot their ties like salesmen; then they got to the US where they whistled at anyone with freckles imagining she was a gori.
Can you blame them if they are stuck in the groove?
28.7.08
Omar's orgasm
I have not spoken as an "authentic" Indian Muslim voice, but my post on Omar Abdullah has got a lot of people angry.
So I watched him on NDTV's Walk the Talk show last night.
He is speaking with a forked tongue. Did he not say something about his conscience post-Gujarat? Okay, here is is talking about how he admires Vajpayee...the same man who as prime minister did precious little and kept quiet and took up for Modi in Gujarat.
All these guys are now gushing about Omar's role in national politics. He is smiling like a cat that has licked all the cream and looks doodh ka dhula hua. Let him milk the issue dry.
Have fun. As he did in his "3-minute" orgasmic speech.
- - -
Note: For those interested, a longish extract (an encounter with the poet Ahmed Faraz) from my book is in Dawn as well as uploaded on A Journey Interrupted blog.
So I watched him on NDTV's Walk the Talk show last night.
He is speaking with a forked tongue. Did he not say something about his conscience post-Gujarat? Okay, here is is talking about how he admires Vajpayee...the same man who as prime minister did precious little and kept quiet and took up for Modi in Gujarat.
All these guys are now gushing about Omar's role in national politics. He is smiling like a cat that has licked all the cream and looks doodh ka dhula hua. Let him milk the issue dry.
Have fun. As he did in his "3-minute" orgasmic speech.
- - -
Note: For those interested, a longish extract (an encounter with the poet Ahmed Faraz) from my book is in Dawn as well as uploaded on A Journey Interrupted blog.
25.6.08
What are they reading???
I have added a separate blog for the book. The reviews are now trickling in…
Just as I perceive things in my way, others do so too. No quarrels with that. But one review had me wondering when the reader is told portions of the book are “along the lines of what Indians have come to expect from the ‘gee-whiz-they’re-just-like-us’”. Or that I have trotted out “Pakistani prostitutes and whisky-quaffing army men, high society bashes, gay designers, liberals-turned-jehadis, and the mandatory heart-warming scene at a Sufi shrine”.
This is not an opinion, it is a falsehood. I am at pains most times to point out the difference (which incidentally one perceptive reader criticised me for). There is no single prostitute, the way you understand her; no whiskey quaffing army men at all…sure the others are there, but they are not trotted out – they are a part of that culture and there are detailed interviews with such people. The scene at the Sufi shrine…ah, I haven’t talked about something life-altering. It is about someone no one would even notice.
At one point there is a reference to the ‘drama’…nothing about the intervening aspect of the indepth interview with Sheema and the other rebels.
And to think my friend in Australia wrote saying, “But you know what you have to do now don't you to make a mint? The fictional account with lots of sex and blood and beautiful people :-)”
I replied: “And what made you think there isn't any sex, blood and beautiful people in my humble offering?!Don't miss out what is between the lines...”
16.5.08
Have I joined the tamasha?
Resistance finally gave way. After two years of being intermittently invited, I agreed. Sunday I was in the television studio at Delhi. Subject: Is politics a men’s club? The real discussion was on the Women’s Reservations Bill.
The panel was high-powered. And I say this because you realise that it does not matter. A couple of the high-powered had hardly any say because what you need is to be pushy. As Lord Meghnad Desai, sitting next to me, advised during the break, “You will have to interrupt.”
I cannot. It is uncouth. Anyhow, I feel only two people were really qualified to speak – Dr. Najma Heptulla, the former deputy chairperson of the Lok Sabha, and Amrit Brar, a police officer from Punjab. They were in professions where the hierarchy is most manifest. The former is soft-spoken; the latter barely got a chance to say much.
Television is a medium of sound bytes and clichés. Just in case anyone is interested, my points – some that got past, some edited out, some remained unsaid…
I am against these 33 per cent reservations for women in parliament and got to comment at the point when a gentleman said that women are the most backward and oppressed caste. Is this what these women want to be considered? Do they want such patronising sops? Yes, I did mutter, “Oh god” under my breath… because…
Women tend to get the soft portfolios …just to give it a facetious though pertinent angle I said since these are kickbacks-potential portfolios, women too should be entitled to their share.
The argument against was full of clichés. Children’s development is not a soft portfolio; these are important issues. No one discusses them in Parliament. And we are living in a patriarchal society where female foetuses are aborted.
(As though I bloody don't know.)
* Shabana Azmi who is pro-reservations talked most about all the ‘right’ things. Throughout she kept mentioning how we need this group of women, and then she said women are not a monolith. I immediately said that she was contradicting herself.
The moment you have a set-up where you say you need these many women you are clubbing them into a hole. This is a monolith. Of course, she did not like it and said she did not know what I was talking about.
Too bad.
The good Lord MD said that gender is a fact and, because he was such a sweetheart (no airs etc), I gracefully accepted the statement as something I had just discovered with a smile. Okay, I said if it is a fact then why have certain things not happened, what has prevented it.
* The final round was about the timeframe for this Bill to see fruition. A century, said someone…as much time as it takes, said another…This only proves my point that you only want to have something on paper.
- - -
The show was telecast on the same day. I got a message from a friend: “You are on TV, which means you are in Delhi, which means you have not informed me.”
So I called. He was with a colleague from Mumbai at the India International Centre.
As soon as I walked into the lounge, he said, “Ah, you look the same as you did on TV”. Dilliwallahs will always be Dilliwallahs. The lady at the next sofa asked me what it was about; I gave the blah in short…and she said she had worked on several projects for “women’s empowerment”.
“What have you got to do with the subject?” she asked.
Rather charmingly I replied, “Nothing, except that I am a woman.”
Strange, strange. I was there despite not knowing anyone on the channel, being completely out of the media eye, being myself.
- - -
It just so happened that M.J.Akbar's Covert was being launched the day I was returning. A call. I turned back from the airport. My first media party. Amazing. Absolutely wonderful to be there because I met some really nice people. Different groups, different conversations. From Pakistan to politics to Urdu and Farsi to the paranormal.
Someone said rather helpfully, “Oh, she does not spare anyone.”
People were leafing through copies. “So, what have you written on?”
I hmm-ed a bit. Here is a hardcore political fortnightly. When I was asked to get my column Maverick on board, I did not know what the magazine would look like…the emphasis, the stories. I decided to steer clear of anything political. I wrote about pornography. The title is: “Civilise society, add a dash of porn”.
There is no e-edition of the magazine yet. Have fun!
17.4.08
Muaah Mushy?
Miss Pakistan thinks Musharraf is a ‘hunk’
I think this Mahleej Sarkari woman has been set up. It is no secret that I like Pervez Musharraf, but the reigning Miss Pakistan World is sounding a bit batty when she says, “Musharraf is a hunk. He has enough charisma to have young girls going nuts.”
This has made front page news. It is a little-known pageant. The reason is that the newspapers can flash pictures of Ms Sarkari and tell the world that Pakistanis too can lay claims to half-naked women.
Also, to get back to my original point, now that Asif Zardari is being lauded for his ‘statesmanship’ (which means he could be the reign man anytime), this is one more way to ensure that the mullahs run after Musharraf.
The democrats can then talk about how they are in fact the real clean bins and even more qualified to be the Islamic republic’s caretakers.
- - -
On a different note...
Ah... “happy day 15-4-2008” said the subject line…I got this yesterday, the 16th, in the mail by someone I do not know or one who has used a fictitious ID. It had an attachment: My picture that is here on the blog!
Haven’t replied.
What do I say?
Well, a happy day to you, too, but I really do not get it…why would I be happy seeing my own photograph, that too one I end up seeing everyday when I post and everyone else is subjected to?
29.1.08
Hip hypocrites
It is fine to take out protest rallies against dictators. But is public memory so short that people will forget the sheer double standards on blatant display here? Do Jemima and her ex-husband Imran Khan need to ‘use’ Benazir? Read the caption…she is pointing to BB’s picture. To tell the world what? That she even gives a damn? Not everyone is going to buy it lady, and her lord.These are their not-so-old quotes. In fact, a little before Benazir’s death. Hypocrisy ki bhi koi hadd hoti hai…
Jemima:
“She has only been able to return because Musharraf, that megalomaniac, knows that his future depends on the grassroots diehard supporters inherited from her father's party, the PPP…As a result, Musharraf, who in his first months in power declared it his express intention to wipe out corruption, has dropped all charges against her and granted her immunity from prosecution. Forever…Benazir is a pro at playing to the West. And that's what counts. She talks about women and extremism and the West applauds. And then conspires.”
Imran:
“She alone among Pakistan's political party leaders has given public support to the massacre of women and children that Musharraf caused when he ordered his troops to attack the Red Mosque in Islamabad… She also backed his attacks on civilians in the tribal regions.”
13.1.08
I am tagged!
I love labels. What do the labels here mean - do they convey what the content carries? Here is some Sunday tattle...
Talking to myself: An attempt to confuse others about the confusion in one’s own head created out of the desperate need for clarity about the idea of confusion. Clear?
Quote uncoat: Wanting to add two-paise worth of crap to two-paise worth of crap. That is four paise, which is no currency and has no currency.
Trivial pursuit: Deconstructing little things that nobody cares about except the blogger because the blogger is a nitpicker.
Death: Something the blogger has no experience of yet writes about with much authority.
Life: Ditto.
Rewind: As though the current output is not enough, blogger takes a time-machine to the past and gets all nostalgic about something that probably never happened.
Feedback: What the whole world considers spam, blogger believes is addressed to her. Does any sane person think a note that says, “You can make someone happy” is about their writing skills??
A very short conversation: Blogger is telling people she knows how to keep it short. And that people actually talk to her.
Doodles: An activity indulged in when the blogger does not have words. Mostly the doodles look like words fattened on air.
Ten poems: This has taught her discipline, to count, and the aesthetic appeal of squiggles to demarcate each poem, so that no one mistakes one for the other, which is quite possible given that she herself often does.
Critique: This is to tell people who might not realise it that she is being unkind, little knowing that no one expects her to be anything but unkind all the time.
Let’s not get too serious: Blogger is asking you to laugh even if you don’t find it funny.
Just wondering: Blogger does not know what is going on.
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