A 50 Crore Suitcase and Pranabda’s Memory

The WikiLeaks revelations are becoming a huge yawn. Why is everyone so shocked? Money has always been used to buy over politicians to join in or abstain from voting. Everybody who does not suffer from amnesia knows about Satish Sharma and his Italian marble floors (or was it bathroom?). And the BJP need not jump around too much. They have their own slippery characters. I am also not amazed that someone showed a US embassy official two cases of Rs. 50-60 crores in cash. Shouldn’t there be certainty about the amount? There is a huge difference between 50 and 60 if it is in crores (500-600 million rupees).

However, I am amused. Imagine some middleman going to meet an American diplomat with two suitcases and opening them. “Sir, look. This is to show we are buying our ministers. I am swearing on this money that after they get it you will have nuclear deal in your pocket. This is word of gentleman’s honour, sir.”

American official replies, “Aww, c’mon. You guys are jest so smart, you wanna show us that no one’s gonna get laid off in Eendia. Why didcha not give this money to the US lobbyists? Typical Eendians.”

“Sorry sir, my patriotic blood is boiling over the top of vessel and I am crying over spilt milk. We are hardworking, heartfelting people. Our Sant is helping you lots and also sending butter chicks to Oval Maidan.”

“What the hell is goin’ aan? Chicks and Maiden?”

“Yes chicks are sent to Oval Maidan, you cannot hide all that. I came with clean soul to show you corruption money for free and frank exchange of idea, not to listen to you baelshitting.”

“Hold aan. I ain’t listenin’ to your crap.”

“You have to listen. Our pride of India Sant Chatwal is sending buttered chicks Punjabi speciality to your big leaders, he is also giving chanda.”

“Who is Chanda?”

“Your American English is weak. Not who but wot, okay? I am learning in British system. Chanda is donation for getting your man and woman in office to do things.”

“You’re crazy, maan.”

“Haan, haan, I am crazy and when you come to power and want to sell phataphat bomb you come to us and we are buying also because we want to be like Big Mac. I am now going. This money is only to show we are sincere to buy people.”

“Are they slaves?”

“Sir, we don’t have slaves. You had slavery. We only have simple corruption to help servants of public.”

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Public servant Pranab Mukherjee has stated: “What happened in 14th Lok Sabha cannot be dragged to the 15th Lok Sabha. The government of the day is not accountable to 14th Lok Sabha but the 15th Lok Sabha.”

Pranabda, you have a sense of humour. It is like parents saying after the second child is born that they are not accountable for the first one’s poop. Were they not responsible for potty-training, for feeding the kid right, for ensuring that it was given gripe water and thup-thupped on the back to burp?

The finance minister is washing his hands off the goings-on in the Lok Sabha. It would mean that none of the crimes committed should stick, no issues that have been raised ought to be raked up again. Let us go all the way and erase history completely then. Flush it down like so much old baby poop.

Radiation alert: Don't read this

I am supposed to keep a cloth ready and swab the skin on my neck with betadine because radiation hits the thyroid area first. This is one among the many text messages I have got and I realise that the smart phone I am using would cause me more immediate damage than the spill in Japan. 'Flash news' is moving at great speed because the BBC mentions Asian countries. Indians love being Asians and any other thing when they know they are world players, even if it is a threat perception. Radiation is real and one is not reducing what has happened in Japan. But these chain SMSes can be lethal as much as they are ignorant.

The sun’s rays and the stuff in natural sources of water emit radiation. So stay indoors (that’s what the messages are saying: “If it rains, don’t step out for 24 hours”). Electronic goods that we use daily have radioactive emissions. So don’t watch TV, don’t wear those fancy watches and don’t use mobile phones. Medical diagnostic tools cause radiation. So don’t bother about X-rays. Don’t go through metal detectors and do not visit the loo on a flight because while they will keep an eye on whether you are smoking or not, that little device is a source of radiation. Industrial units that produce most of the stuff you need are radioactive agents.

And when your country tests nuclear power, instead of singing ‘Jai Ho’ or whatever people in Burkina Faso sing, just hide beneath the covers not because someone will get jealous of the nation’s pride bombing and give it back but because of all the radiation it has caused in the environment.

You are under threat all the time, but no one will tell you. It is indeed a state secret. So, why are they telling you now? Because it is helping business. The media, the governments and those medical units will put the fear in your heads and you will go out and buy betadine without even thinking how its overuse can have an adverse effect. It happens to be available over-the-counter, without prescription - your poor doctor won’t get his or her little ‘cut’.

Now please do me a favour and forward this to as many people as possible after reading this quickly. Write it down on a piece of paper and mail it or distribute it. You don’t want no radiation from your computer, do you?

Japan's nuclear tragedy as opportunism

We told you so. It can affect us. Questions about nuclear power.

This has been the tone of the indepth analyses. Japan’s devastation by earthquake and the tsunami have been submerged beneath the discussions over the Fukushima nuclear plant blowing up and reports of leakage and radiation. As one who is absolutely against a ‘nuclearised’ world, I am afraid that the questions about atomic energy will be relegated to only certain countries in order to keep them in their place.

Even the most powerful nations can go wrong, but before talking about how Japan was told about the possibility of such an outcome given its earthquake-prone history there should have been some introspection. California is prone to quakes and has two nuclear plants; two others were 'retired'. Surely, they have measures to handle an emergency as would Japan.
 
The US administration that is among the first to land with a thud of commentary will not, interestingly enough, desist from providing nuclear energy in small doses at high cost with a lot of hoopla.

The Shiv Sena is also using the Japan incident to oppose the proposed nuclear power plant at Jaitapur, which has a French connection. There is already opposition to it for our own reasons, primarily the taking over of tribal land. By clubbing it with another tragedy, not only will there be foreign expertise involved in its setting up, should it take place, but also to ‘keep an eye on it’ later. This would be damaging at many levels.

I say this to transpose it against the Union Carbide gas leak in Bhopal. Did the world get concerned about how it would affect all of mankind when industrialisation from outside forces without checks and balances has caused greater devastation?

Just wondering…

Oh, Blimey!

It’s rare that one country has such interesting little bits of news around the same time. But here’s from Old Blighty.

A British billionaire, Alki David, has offered $1 million to the first person who manages to streak naked in front of Barack Obama. Currently ranked 45th in the Sunday Times Rich List with an estimated fortune of £1.15 billion, this is a publicity stunt for a new website.

I don’t get it. Why not in front of the Queen? Or David Cameron? Why an American President? And how does he know that no one has streaked before the presidential eyes before? He is almost imbuing Obama with some kind of Victorian chastity belt that has to be unlocked with such streaking.

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Malcolm Pearson, head of the UK Independence Party (Ukip), which advocates withdrawing Britain from the European Union, quit. He said he’s learned he is not good at party politics and that he doesn’t enjoy it. “I have learnt I am not much good at party politics. I am also 68, and need to give more time to my interests... So it is right I should stand down on September 2 to give a younger leader time to be established before the next election.”

When our leaders don’t enjoy it, they become martyrs. A huge thumbs up to the man.

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London-based businessman of Gujarati origin Sanjiv Mehta has turned history on its head by buying out the biggest symbol of the oppressive British Raj–The East India Company.

For Sanjiv Mehta, the new owner of the company, this was an emotionally charged moment as it stood for the total transformation of EIC — from a symbol of the tyrannical Raj, to a symbol of the growing economic might of Indians the world over.

“You can’t imagine the sense of pride and redemption I feel.”

This is not transformation. A rich Indian is buying a company where he will display luxury goods which mostly other rich Indians overseas will buy. If there is so much concern about the symbolism, then he should change the name. I doubt that will happen. He has not bought it for redemption – where the heck does that fit in? – but as a business proposition. It is a brand and he will capitalise on it. Good for him, but let us not make it seem like this is ‘revenge’, as some newspapers have pointed out.

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End note:

David Cameron is the most tweeted subject. How does that become news? Some media analysis agency said there were many more tweets among the Brits about his coalition government than about Afghanistan. Whoa! When was Afghanistan more important than hot water bottles? Of course, they’ll talk about David – any David or Will or Dick or Dirty Harry.

Ooh la-la-land of Omar Abdullah

So everyone is mighty impressed by the mighty heart of the cub of the cub of the Sher-e-Kashmir.

I am not biting this ‘dignified’ speech. Only because Omar Abdullah was not flashing a wad of notes does not mean one has to go along with his highly apologetic tone about how Muslims are not this and not that and then say, with some bloody audacity, that being Muslim and being Indian are not mutually exclusive. Why does he even need to say it? Why?

Here are some of his bon-bon mots, and let me respond:

“I am a Muslim and I am an Indian. And I see no distinction between the two. I don’t know why should I fear the nuclear deal. It is a deal between two countries which, I hope, will become two equals in the future. The enemies of Indian Muslims are not America or deals like these. The enemies are the same as the enemies of all those who are poor — poverty, hunger, lack of development and the absence of a voice.”

It isn't about you, Omar. It is about Indians. Not two abstractions called ‘countries’, please. If you personally do not fear the nuclear deal you can go and figure out some way to cook up something in your outhouse. Don’t mess with an issue that is larger and has greater ramifications. And stop this thing about India and America being equals in the future; this conveys that we are unequal at present and in view of the current deal sends out the message that India is therefore playing an inferior role. It is in fact doing so, which is what the ruckus has been all about. But Omar wants to be like America. And he is quoting the same thing about the real enemies being poverty and other stuff, which everyone knows. It does not mean there cannot be other enemies and America will ensure that India does not get too far. Look how it has got to Pakistan…

“Today, the Left is telling me that all secular parties should stand with the BJP to bring down this government. The same Left treated me like a political untouchable when I was with the NDA.”

You were a political untouchable because you were with the NDA. The Left is asking you to support the anti-nuclear stand, which happens to be the BJP’s purported stand. Understood?

“I am not a member of the UPA and don’t aspire to be one. I made a mistake to be with the NDA, especially after Gujarat riots happened. My conscience had asked me to quit NDA but I didn’t. My conscience has still not forgiven me.”

Go give a jadoo ki jhappi to your conscience and next time listen to it. Unless you don’t want to so that when the opportunity arises you can bring it out as a viable ‘dignified’ stand.

(On the Amarnath issue that Leader of Opposition L K Advani had highlighted in his speech yesterday, Abdullah said he had fought for the cause since it involved the land of his people. He dared the BJP to name a single leader from Jammu and Kashmir who had opposed the Amarnath yatra.)

“Until the day there is even a single Muslim in Kashmir, from Srinagar to Amarnath, the Amarnath yatra will not be allowed to stop.”

Taaliyaan.

Now takhliyaan...that is, over and out…

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For the other tamasha of ‘live’ bribery, you may want to watch this.

News meeows - 10

PM briefs Bush on how Left blocked nuke deal

Confirming to the United States that its civil nuclear deal with India has hit a wall, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday explained to US President George W. Bush the circumstances compelling his government to put the deal on hold.

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Oh dear, so he had to tell the US how those Commies really spoiled it all. This is perhaps the first time the Left parties in India have shown they can act; I have already stated they make for a great Opposition. Our PM all but seemed embarrassed about the deal going phus…

So he went on to another subject:

Stressing that the key to the success of the round was agriculture, the Prime Minister said it was important to take care of the vulnerability of two-thirds of the population, namely 650 million people, dependent on agriculture for sustenance. "That meant that India needed some degree of protection through special products and safeguards, on which we need greater clarity," said the Prime Minister, pointing out that there was no clarity yet and "this issue is critical for India."

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Ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus Manmohanji is so concerned about agriculture that he did not notice all those farmers committing suicide? And what the hell is India doing importing wheat? What happened to the great Green Revolution? Let us not forget that Sonia Gandhi in a speech a while ago went on the “bijli” track, trying to justify how India needed this nuclear deal for it. Darn, 60 years after independence we wake up and then go with a begging bowl.

And now we have news that US legislator, Mr Gary Ackerman, has launched a frontal attack on the Left parties

Urging in what was a clear message to the government not to "cave in" and allow a "minority" to "bully" it into giving up the nuclear energy deal. "Do not let the radical view hijack what is in your nation’s best interest ... in order for progress to be made, courage needs to be shown," he said.

Mr Ackerman said, "The ball is back in your (India’s) court). To those who would try to bully from a minority position, to tell the majority of people what is in their national interests and that if they don’t do as that group says, that they are being bullied, are themselves the bullies."

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Woo-hoo…applies to you and your country’s position all over the world. Mr. Ackerman has no business to tell us what constitutes a minority. This is not an election where votes in favour or opposing the deal have been cast. Don’t tell us who is bullying whom.

An Indian, whatever be her/his political views is in a better position to decide what is in our best interest. We don’t need the Americans to preach. It is the caucus of industrialists that will support the deal, not the ordinary citizen or the villager who is supposed to benefit. Mr Ackerman can go take a walk because it is the radical view that saves nations.

I was always so proud that India would never have to cower before America. The Left is keeping that spirit alive.

Privileges panels summon Ronen

The Privileges Committee of the Rajya Sabha has decided to summon Indian ambassador to the US Ronen Sen, who made the controversial "headless chickens" remark to describe those opposing the Indo-US nuclear deal. The Lok Sabha’s Privileges Committee, expected to meet in the coming days, will take a decision on his remark.

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Yes, what else can we do? Call a committee, sit and pontificate when we should be calling for his head.

Why did Ronenda do it, anyway? Our diplomats are known to be nice little boys. Simple. The NRI community is rather strong in the US, especially in political terms. They are spending a lot of money filling up the coffers of the fundraising for the forthcoming elections. Our ambassador knows that it is not the American establishment he has to keep happy but our Sant Chatwals and the Silicon Valley wallahs.

Hey, think about it, had he not called our MPs “headless chickens”, his head would have been in the tandoor. Ki bolchi, Babu Moshai?

EC shifts top Gujarat officials

Taking a serious note of representations followed by its own fact-finding, the Election Commission on Monday ordered the transfer of eight top Gujarat police and civil officers, including director-general of police P.C. Pande. These officers reportedly played a covert political role in the 2002 Assembly elections. The commission has stressed that these officers should not be assigned any poll-related duty.

Besides carrying a tag of being Narendra Modi loyalists, most of these officers played a dubious role during the 2002 Gujarat riots and had invited public ire for biased policing. The Gujarat government had transferred 41 IPS officers a fortnight before the code of conduct was announced. Gujarat is scheduled to hold crucial Assembly elections on December 11 and 16 and these transfers were viewed as "purely politically motivated."

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Even though the reason for this is the coming Assembly elections, it will send out the right signals. Now if only the Gujarat junta throws the Modi government out of power…but that is unlikely to happen. In any society it is the rich that have their say and the rich in Gujarat, irrespective of which community they belong to, will keep this man in power.

Yet, the EC move shows a glimmer of hope.

Aamir kin to undergo mental test

The ninth additional chief metropolitan magistrate in Mumbai on Monday ordered that Bollywood actor Aamir Khan’s brother Faisal Khan be sent to J.J. Hospital for five days for a re-examination of his mental condition.

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What should be strictly a family matter is being dragged into the public arena and made into a soap opera – unsuccessful sibling, bad marriage, schizophrenia, parental differences. Can we not be a bit more sensitive?

There are several reasons why people do not succeed; there are cases also of two or more siblings being successful. Let us not make it into a public farce when it is a private tragedy and an intensely personal problem that Faisal has to go through if he is indeed suffering from the ailment.

World chess champion Vishwanathan Anand gets a rapturous welcome from fans after his arrival at New Delhi's Indira Gandhi International Airport in the early hours of Monday.

He said he was "touched" at seeing the boisterous crowd. "It felt very special that everyone came to the airport for me at 1 am."

FIDE confirmed his status as the world's leading player when he topped the latest rating list at 2801, ahead of Vassily Ivanchuk (no.2, 2787) and Vladimir Kramnik (no.3, 2785). It was Anand's third consecutive appearance at the top of the quarterly list.

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I am shocked. Imagine, we have gone beyond cricket. But, is it all merely a Chak De moment? Chess is not a game for the common wo/man. Therefore, a frenzy has a lot to do with how we run after winners without knowing anything. Get home the moolah/trophy and we see India shining.

Who better than the irrepressible R. K. Laxman to put it in this cartoon?

Hyde and seek...

...and see what you get for opposing the nuclear deal

Last night on CNN-IBN, just to be a bit different, they decided to ask viewers whether Prakash Karat, the CPI (M) general secretary, was a powerful enough politician in India. They ran a short biographical sketch on him. Where was the need? That is the problem – we need one individual to represent an ideology, to hit out at.

I have never claimed knowledge of such mammoth subjects, but I have been reading up a lot. And anyone with half a mind can see that we are going to be the losers; what we gain in two-bit handouts will result in a major diplomatic sell-out. In brief, India already generates one lakh MW energy; with this deal we will get 20,000 MW more by – wait, listen to this – the year 2020.

This is crazy. The TV channel had nothing better to do so they kept asking the panelists whether Karat was a nice guy, you know his integrity etc. And who did they ask? That turncoat Subramanian Swamy.

As the Communist on the panel said this was a trivialisation of the issue. However, they continued giving us SMS poll results that said Prakash Karat scored about 20-30 per cent in the popularity stakes. What did anyone expect? How may people have even heard about him? Our electronic media, mostly American lackeys, project politicians that it finds convenient. Therefore, now they have got a nice little thing to beat the Leftists with – ah, they are playing for China; they do what their overseas Commie masters want. It could well be true that since this ideology is anyway a Western one (as is contemporary democracy, so shut up), there are certain norms followed.

The moot question still remains: what the hell will India get in the long run besides a handshake and a jiggly-wiggly buffer?

Now, I called the Indo-US nuclear deal a “tutti-fruity” one. What is the reaction? Indians sitting in the US are telling me that my fellow Leftists are selling the country and we should be charged with treason. We are not concerned about the poor. Yes, the poor will benefit from the nonsense that is being passed as nuclear deal for energy.

Of course, there is a prompt reaction: How can you call her a Leftist? What do they know about me? Ah, wait, they do… “Why is this surprising? FV's loyalties lie with pureland”. Someone else mentions with great authority, "She is the voice of jihad in the garb of leftie stuff”. Huh, they have been watching me while I dress? In effect, they are telling us that Muslim jihadis, as opposed to Hindu and Rastafarian ones, are Communists. They are not wrong. From the little I know about Islam it does talk about egalitarianism, sharing of wealth and other goodies.

However, I still cannot figure out how opposing the nuclear deal in my country makes me loyal to Pakistan. I can understand if they had said Iran. But Pakistan sounds better. They don’t know many or any Iranians; they know lots of Pakistanis whose tails they want to twist.

So, some NRIs think they can call for a civil war and put a bullet through our heads. Just try it. Just you try. And let us see if you can get even one foot inside India. Because India survives on our taxes, our efforts and not your dollars sent to prop up some ancient historical relic so you can take pictures near it when you visit on your holiday, bringing back gifts from some China Market. China, gotcha!

And for those who have said I have a problem with foreign backpackers getting more attention in India than the respectable middle-class person because it is “perhaps FV's way of saying ‘look no one cares for me in India!!!’,”, I might remind them that if no one cared they would not sit and discuss a stray comment I make. Oh, and since when did I become a part of the middle-class. Were these not the same people who said that I was an elitist?

Strange. A swish commie jihadi envious of firang backpackers trying to belong to the middle-class. You tried beating me blue and coloured me pink. Better luck next time…if you can manage another one…