11.7.11

Lady Gaga's Mirror


She echoes my writer self. I am sitting here looking into what seems like a well, but I am dragged into it and soon the reflection is not water. It is solid matter as I hit my head on the ground.

Lady Gaga's quotes from a piece she wrote for 'V' are being showcased for reasons of her narcissism and obsessiveness, but she is delving deep. That well I was looking into could be her.

For two days I did not write. Deliberately. It was deliberated upon. Until now, I was utterly charmed by my ability to slake my thirst with words. The happenings around pummelled me and I was left gasping or angry or wounded. It has often affected me. That is not as worrisome as my complete subservience to what I write. What I imagined was a natural part of me I realise now to be an addiction. Some might say it is pleasant, but it has had a deleterious effect. Not because someone decides to seal my fate, or cannot fathom the complexity of certain thoughts, or finds them simplistic for their world-view is not my world-view and most prefer Disney characters to the dark nooks, unless one can caricature them, and the media so loves to do that.

The effect it has is internal. I begin to feel ill when I do not write. I get irritable, I do not behave normal. There are a couple of people who have seen me in this state and it is not nice. I transform. Writing can be a huge part of my life, but must it replace it? I was cogitating upon these when Lady Gaga’s words touched a chord immediately. Let us travel together through some of what she said and what it means to me:

I have said before that I am a master of escapism, which many attribute to my wigs, performances, and my natural inclination to be grand, but perhaps that is also a lie. Maybe I am not escaping. Maybe I am just being. Being myself.

Think about the many situations writers write about. When do the lines between creation and creator just tumble over each other? I write a lot on topical issues and one might not imagine it possible to escape from what is reality while analysing it. It is. I am reacting; this is cathartic and therefore escape. All purging is escape, a denial of retention. I hate to say this, but I believe that by responding to everything around one becomes a puppet, even if the subconscious self does the string pulling.

Is this me, these wigs of ideas, the grand stand that may in fact appear to be lies if seen from the perspective of one ideology that negates another? I know I am being myself. Yet…and here is Lady G again:

The lines for myself have become so blurred now, I know not the difference between a moment of performance and a moment of honesty. If you were to ask me to remove my Philip Treacy hat at a party, in truth it is the emotional and physical equivalent of requesting I remove my liver. Talk about giving “clutching her pearls” a new meaning! I know not the difference between the hair that grows from my head and the teal wigs that grow from my imagination. They are the same. They are both honest, and always have been. So maybe I know nothing of “the art of escapism.” I was just Born This Way. I revere the dream to be real. I am always, and shall forever be, private in public.

Private in public. Think about it. Writers sit in their worlds, making new worlds – places, people, verse, prose, plots. We go back to cook, eat, bathe, shop, have relationships, and even ‘connect’ with real anonymous people. What is the truth here? The latter is a fact; the truth is larger, in that it is the submerged imagination ticking away. I know that if you take away my words, I cannot tell you who I am. I have forgotten.

I watch television and even the soaps seem to be ‘material’ to explore, to deconstruct, to analysed.

I read the newspapers and every bit looks like it has to be torn apart. I, too, am not ‘escaping’, for I know that each time I make a travel itinerary, it is with the intention of writing. My plans work around that – the laptop, pen drives, notepads,several pens and pencils to doodle. I go shopping in these new places and, of course, something happens that invariably leads to an experience. It could well be interesting, but after I have picked up the bags and sat down for a coffee, I bring out my little notepad or my phone and am jotting down observations. Do I not taste the coffee? I do, perhaps give it more importance than it merits.

So, what happened in the two days I did not write? I took a dust cloth, wiped the laptop, and then sat down, immobile for long, because I ceased to exist. The food, the shower, and the clothes I wore were things stuffed into what seemed like an automaton. I began to feel nauseous, drowsy and my hands went numb. Yes, numb from not writing.

These are withdrawal symptoms and I took a good look at myself in the mind’s mirror and saw imaginary lines scrawled on my face – incomplete sentences. I am doomed. My escape has become my life.

9 comments:

  1. "They are a blessing and they are a curse"
    Always wondered about this line in the sidebar.

    Have also wondered about your awe-inspiring ability to produce such beautiful words so prolifically. This is a very explanatory- and powerful- post.

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  2. I am blessed to be cursed or cursed to be blessed, depending on my mood swings.

    Thank you!

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  3. whats this?! i am HORRIFIED that you would compare yourself to lady drama! please PLEASE do not elevate her so!

    she is pure cotton candy entertainment while you are so much more than that. i like her music but hate the persona she's cultivated for herself. i do not understand why people like her and ayaan hirsi and salman rushdie or dita von teese cant just be who they are without trying to give themselves some deeper faker meaning. how free or revolutionary are they if they always feel the need to project the exact opposite of what they represent? why cant they own it and be comfortable with it QUIETLY. i fear i may have gone off on a tangent here...sorry.

    you have definitely given her more importance than she merits.

    when one has an addiction, one should seek treatment...or replace the old addiction with a new one :)

    "I am reacting; this is cathartic and therefore escape."

    i dont agree. why does reacting to something automatically mean catharsis and therefore escape??

    "I hate to say this, but I believe that by responding to everything around one becomes a puppet, even if the subconscious self does the string pulling." why do you hate to say this? It's absolutely true. It's why i went off facebook a couple of months ago. the performance of it had begun to get to me. the constant need to say something about everything wore me out.

    "Maybe I am just being. Being myself." i fail to see the profundity in this. WE. ALL. ARE. JUST. BEING. REALLY. OBVIOUSLY.

    "I know not the difference between a moment of performance and a moment of honesty."

    I find this incredibly sad. and it's the reason why i do not like actors. how can you trust them?? they PRETEND for a living! it's quite bizarre. i never know how to react to their oscar speeches or their interviews. when is it NOT acting? gone off on a tangent again...focus meriam...focus!

    " I was just Born This Way."

    this is NOT profound fuckssake!

    " I revere the dream to be real." " Private in public"

    uff what nonsense! how many of us going about our daily lives let it all hang out anyway??

    "I read the newspapers and every bit looks like it has to be torn apart. "

    yes! this is PRECISELY what i tried to say to you in my very first email to you! but i didnt say it very well :) OFCOURSE it is you who deciphers your ownself :) how fitting.

    i guess you need to decide how much of what you write is born out of a genuine desire to make some sense of it and how much of it is now born out of habit...or from the sake of tearing it apart...

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  4. Lady FV
    Lady Gaga is one genius performer of all times. What a Lady!!!

    Comparing yourself with Lady Gaga is so very true.

    Lady FV vs Lady Gaga
    two unique artists intertwined via escapism. Wonderful!!!!

    I am fan of both ladies and I guess that's another commonality other than escapism.

    circle

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  5. Meriam:

    Phew! Is this a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?! (To quote Mae West in quite another context)

    Lady G portrays a cotton candy image if you insist (she is raw and monstrous, so is that cotton candy?) and she has recognised that. As I have said earlier, she is pushing pop culture to its limits and showing it up for the caricature it is. In this piece, she is questioning the very basis of such honesty and the masks, which is what I could relate to. Reacting, catharsis, escape is about what I write, it was not a blanket judgement.

    1. I hate saying the bit about becoming a puppet because in my case for years it has been going on, first meeting deadlines, which was valid, then it got internalised. I am not on social networking sites, and I see that quite differently from op-eds. Or being identified with your stated opinions, as much as I am.

    2. "Maybe I am just being. Being myself." i fail to see the profundity in this. WE. ALL. ARE. JUST. BEING. REALLY. OBVIOUSLY.
    "I know not the difference between a moment of performance and a moment of honesty."
    I find this incredibly sad. and it's the reason why i do not like actors. how can you trust them?? they PRETEND for a living! it's quite bizarre. i never know how to react to their oscar speeches or their interviews. when is it NOT acting? gone off on a tangent again...focus meriam...focus!
    " I was just Born This Way."
    this is NOT profound fuckssake!


    Had the Dalai Lama or Rumi said these, you would have thought they were pearls of wisdom and we were swine. I am sure you have read her piece and there is a context to it. Not everyone is “being myself” – self-discovery is an important part of all human endeavour. And when she says she does not know the moment of honesty from a performance, she has added that in the context of ‘being’. It is a moment and I have great respect for actors and performers, if they are good, because they are not pretending – they are recreating characters, like writers do. Unlike politicians, they are not making promises and most certainly not like partners who fake it!

    Not everything needs to be profound, although if it is for “fuckssake” then it might be splendid just for itself.

    4. " I revere the dream to be real." " Private in public"

    uff what nonsense! how many of us going about our daily lives let it all hang out anyway??


    If I write personal pieces or even opinion pieces, I am letting it all hang out. Facebook walls and twitter messages are about it. What we wear and how is a public manifestation of how we are privately.

    5. "I read the newspapers and every bit looks like it has to be torn apart. "

    yes! this is PRECISELY what i tried to say to you in my very first email to you! but i didnt say it very well :) OFCOURSE it is you who deciphers your ownself :) how fitting.

    i guess you need to decide how much of what you write is born out of a genuine desire to make some sense of it and how much of it is now born out of habit...or from the sake of tearing it apart...


    Well, if you don’t see sense, then you don’t. I did not imply that tearing apart has to be nonsensical. Or negative. It is how it affects me. It was about my genuine desire to respond, the anger that wells up (as it did in the Buddhist nun case), the feeling of helplessness. I am bloody well concerned about those things and mean it when I say it needs to be torn apart – like a surgeon tears open parts of the body or an engineer machines. I can tear into, tear open and tear apart and they are all genuine for me. If they are not then I would not feel like reacting at all. I would sit and vegetate or post pictures of cotton candy.

    Try my cotton candy sometimes – it can be quite yummy…

    PS: Yes, I decipher my own self because others interpret it the way they wish – they are not in my head, though some could be on my mind.

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  6. Circle:

    Thank you, but I was not comparing myself with her. No one buys my drama! I found echoes, as I said, in a few comments, mainly my writer persona. I also enjoy her ability to push the envelope and throw out the linear idea even within pop culture. It is interesting that I can love both Tracy Chapman and Lady G, such contrasting personae, and escapism does not mean escape. We end up taking it on the chin more than those who do not.

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  7. 'Phew! Is this a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?! (To quote Mae West in quite another context)'

    ;)

    'Lady G portrays a cotton candy image if you insist'

    not insistin' just opinionatin' ;)

    'she is raw and monstrous'

    now this is you opnionatin'

    ' so is that cotton candy?'

    ofcourse not.

    'and she has recognised that. As I have said earlier, she is pushing pop culture to its limits and showing it up for the caricature it is. In this piece, she is questioning the very basis of such honesty and the masks'

    i honestly dont believe she has. she's just a young italian girl who was bullied in high school and has now found validation in millions of fans. you're projecting the rest onto her. and if she read this article of yours she'd say "whaaa??? when i write lyrics, i'm thinking about the clothes i'll wear while performing the song" :)

    'Had the Dalai Lama or Rumi said these, you would have thought they were pearls of wisdom and we were swine. '

    not sure where this came from because umm no i most definitely would not have thought that.

    I am sure you have read her piece and there is a context to it.'

    tried to find it but could not.

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  8. 'Not everyone is “being myself” – self-discovery is an important part of all human endeavour.'

    sure. but i think that generally, self- discovery just happens gradually and eventually. it does not need to be pursued so hyperactively. my problem with gaga is that she emphasizes the obvious and the trite. it's like saying "when you're stressed...just breathe. take air in through your nose and expel it from your mouth". i mean her oft repeated mantra of "just be yourself" is lifted straight from thousands of run of the mill self help books or oprah-isms. you cant fault her for the message. it is a positive one after all, but i cant take her seriously either.

    'I have great respect for actors and performers, if they are good, because they are not pretending – they are recreating characters, like writers do.'

    ok i should have added "i mean i do but...' after writing i do not like actors. there are very very few who blow my mind. cate blanchett does. she's pretty much the only one. and ian mckellan. oh and hugh jackman in 'the fountain" when he's crying after losing his wife! oh and christain bale in 'the machinist" too! watching them on screen is delightful...it's their off screen performances that get my guard up.

    'Not everything needs to be profound'

    not saying it does but in the context of your piece and the references to gaga it damn well should've been :P

    ' What we wear and how is a public manifestation of how we are privately. '

    really not necessarily. and i believe it was you who said just recently that not everyone is as they appear to be no? what we wear and how is a request/nudge to be perceived a certain way.

    'Well, if you don’t see sense, then you don’t. I did not imply that tearing apart has to be nonsensical. Or negative. It is how it affects me. It was about my genuine desire to respond, the anger that wells up (as it did in the Buddhist nun case), the feeling of helplessness. I am bloody well concerned about those things and mean it when I say it needs to be torn apart – like a surgeon tears open parts of the body or an engineer machines. I can tear into, tear open and tear apart and they are all genuine for me. If they are not then I would not feel like reacting at all. I would sit and vegetate or post pictures of cotton candy.'

    i never said tearing apart has to be nonsensical either! i suggested that maybe, JUST MAYBE it has become a habit or a routine. sigh. lets just agree to disagree on this shall we? i KNOW you care. it's why i love you remember? just wish sometimes you could respond to something non calamitous in a happy silly way. hows that?

    'Yes, I decipher my own self because others interpret it the way they wish – they are not in my head,'

    interpreting is all us mere mortals can do na farzana ji! give us some credit! throw us a bone! we do try and we sincerely want to be in your head if only you'd let us! :)

    i am no one to pass judgement, i was just taken aback initially by your connection to gaga. the shock has worn off and i cant believe i've spent a day arguing with you about her (soooo random) but it's been good. think i got more out of it than you though :)

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  9. Meriam:

    The whole idea was an exploration of my writer self and I should have emphasised that again in my first response to you because the discussion has got derailed. I do not need any crutches to validate what I write or feel, but if someone’s words echo – a term I used in the post – then it does reach out.

    I should have also thanked you for your kind words, but we got into a different zone.

    A point-by-point rebuttal is not needed because we do not agree on many points on this one and have our opinions, if you insist!

    Just two point:

    1. Yes, I had said earlier that we are not always what we appear to be and I also said now that what we wear etc are public manifestations of how we are privately. There is no conflict. The first is about interpretation; the other about what we may subconsciously, if not consciously, reveal about ourselves.

    2. There is plenty of non-calamitous writing here; check out the labels and may be you will find it. But, I never promised you a food court. You know the restaurant, the menu and the chef on offer. Take your pick. If there is a stomach ache, there might be a booth for quick relief too. If it’s just a headache, then, darrrling, not now!

    Appreciate your reading, but am not too happy with your “throw us a bone” attitude. Anyhow, since life’s a bitch, a bone or two is probably par for the course.

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