Play it again, Spam

I was going through this mental exhaustion. My Inbox did not interest me. Friends were being kind; acquaintances were sending me the usual forwards – jokes, pictures and links to YouTube videos, which I have no interest in.

Then in the Bulk folder I saw all those unattended to emails. I was visiting them after months.

I like spam. You must be particularly insensitive if you don’t. There is this mail staring at you, the subject line in all caps, saying, “I NEED YOU”. Hell, how many people in your life tell you that?

Then there is the one from a part of the world you have never heard about. It appeals to you, “Urgent: Please help me”. It tells the tale of suffering, fight with the government or big powers. Who is this person? What can you do to help? How did s/he get your address?

Suddenly you find you are invited to join some Hi-5 list where you can meet and add friends. It is very touching, a bit too touching…I don’t want to add friends.

I am told that I owe the Bank of America and eBay money; I have never been to their sites. Amazon tells me to pay for the books I ordered; I never did.

Others think I am money-minded. I get offended if I read things like, “Here is your chance to make a quick buck!” I am not into this. Please don’t hurt me, I feel like saying.

The hurt would result in a further insult: “Get FREE money to shop!” How much did money ever cost that it was free now?

For some reason the United Kingdom keeps offering me lottery prizes. I seem to have been winning for the last several weeks. They give me a number to contact, they send me reminders. I wish I would just get an OBE or something instead.

Not that awards matter to me. But, yes, I am also given awards for things I have not done. “You have won an award for services rendered.”

What services rendered and unto whom?

Then there are those who confuse me about my gender.

"Viagra soft tabs – 15 minutes and you are hard as a rock!” In that much time I would have seven and a half packets of Maggi noodles ready. Another one orders me, “I’ve got a 8-inch…! enter!:.” This is very confusing, technically speaking.

Before I can spend time over such issues, I find another subject line staring at me, “Raise your voice”. This is addressed to about a few hundred people; it is the sort of committed thing one is supposed to do on a weekend.

I get all these articles and letters to the editor and appeals from organisations. I was going to get rid of the damn lot when I saw one which said, “You must read this column by FV ‘here’ (link provided). It holds forth on blah, blah. We should support such blah, blah.”

I love spam. I love blah, especially my own.

Just when I was about to close the window, there was something that caught my eye, “Do you have five minutes to spare?”

I am so tired that there is nothing I can do in five minutes. Ask for more. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Where are they going? Will they reach there on time? Will they wait there, spend time? Or will they want to run away from there as well?

"Join the run!" says another subject line. Oh well...