Ask the vexpert - 22

Question: My boyfriend is a foreigner and we are thinking of consummating our relationship. Are foreign penises different from Indian ones? Will I have to do something special?

Sexpert: There is nothing different, except it won’t be brown. It’ll be pink and white.

Me: The sexpert assumes that foreigner means White. You have not specified his country of origin and his race. One thing you must remember about foreign penises is they are foreign, which makes it double trouble since the penis by itself is a foreigner to your system. It is not what you do but what will be done unto you that is more crucial here. Despite some anthropological knowledge, I am forced to put the Europeans together because the euro expects me to. However, the Italian one will be a bit argumentative; the French arrogant and given to small courses; the German would either still believe in the superiority of its race or suffer from guilt pangs given its Nazi past; the British will labour to be conservative resulting in confusion over its hung status. This brings us to the other Europe and we will not get into things Greek right now. East Europe will always be worried about separation so there may be times of withdrawal; its history has been turbulent so you could well end up in a war zone situation.

This leads us to the Middle East. Given the desert climate and the Bedouin history, the Arab is designed for harsh climatic conditions but due to the wealth from oil, he has pampered himself. Therefore there is a tendency to rough it out and then luxuriate. The African does not have the luxury of the latter.

The South East region again cannot be clubbed together, for while the Chinese have mastered the art of making facsimile copies at cheap rates, they treat parts of their body with the reverence reserved for the ancient dead. There will likely be many rituals to propitiate the god. The Japanese loves experimenting with electronics and might want to create mini versions that will keep you amused when his own is busy. The Singaporean has a fetish for cleanliness and the Hong Kong one will display Chinese traits as well as some English ones that have left a residual impact. The Thai, known up until now for the famed soothing massages, is quite likely to stage a protest.

What about the American? You will be under constant suspicion for possessing weapons of mass destruction. Shall we say you can expect a drone attack?