Ask the vexpert - 28

Question: I have a problem. While masturbating, I think about animals and ejaculate. It gives me immense pleasure. Am I all right? Please help.

Sexpert: Why? Do you want to have sex with them? Which animal do you think of? Try to stop yourself. It’s not okay. Perhaps, if you fantasise about a crocodile, you may want to stop. If it persists, see a psychiatrist.

Me: You are all right, because the theory of evolution says we were apes. Quite a bit of our activities involves being down on all fours – cleaning floors, looking for lost objects and even praying. This is our ancestry. What you are doing is akin to going through old sepia-coloured pictures in fraying albums. Many humans use sexually-loaded terms with other humans like ‘animalistic’, ‘tigress’, ‘lion’, ‘bitch in heat’, ‘foxy’, and these are considered as desirable qualities in bed. So, why should they suddenly be ‘bad’ when you think about real animals?

There is some psychological reason too and it depends on the animal you fantasise about and what it tells about you:

• Dog: You seek loyalty
• Cat: Cleanliness fanatic
• Pig: Messy
• Donkey: ‘Take the burden off me’
• Horse: Adventure. If it is a derby type, then you expect a winning partnership, come what may, so to speak
• Zebra: Swing between black and white phases
• Monkey: You want a mimic
• Orangutan: For old times’ sake
• Elephant: Whoops! Do you? Well, then, there are two choices – you either like being crushed or being lifted

One more reason. Animals do not talk back, so in all probability you like your partner to be quiet. But animals grunt and meow and bark. So do humans. Am afraid you will have to live with the similarities, unless, unless... you can think about a turtle.

- - -

Question: Many a time I wonder: God has given all important organs to humans. However, I fail to understand what could be the reason of having growth of hair around private parts and arm pits. Request you to answer and satisfy my curiosity.

Sexpert: Maybe for decoration! When men and women did not wear designer clothes the hair was useful. Have you noticed that the hair is swept backwards conveniently, I presume when we were ape men!

Me: God was shy.