We, the animals: Bestiality and evolution

A still-born baby would not be news. Unless the baby is a dead lamb with a human-like face. Evolution throws up such surprises. How we react to them also shows how we perceive our evolvement when confronted with other forms.

Erhan Elibol, a vet, had to perform a caesarean on a sheep in a Turkish village in 2010. He said:

“I’ve seen mutations with cows and sheep before. I’ve seen a one-eyed calf, a two-headed calf, a five-legged calf. But when I saw this youngster I could not believe my eyes.”

The lamb’s head had human features on – the eyes, the nose and the mouth – only the ears were those of a sheep.

While the reports suggest that the fodder of the mother had abundant vitamin A, the subtext is the possibility of beast and human cohabitation. A similar example mentioned a goat from Zimbabwe. It managed to live for many hours. The villagers were so afraid, they killed it.

The governor of the province had said:

"This incident is very shocking. It is my first time to see such an evil thing. It is really embarrassing. The head belongs to a man while the body is that of a goat. This is evident that an adult human being was responsible. Evil powers caused this person to lose self control. We often hear cases of human beings who commit bestiality but this is the first time for such an act to produce a product with human features.”

A similar fate, or at least ridicule, is meted out to children with dominant animal features.

Scientific Darwinian explanation would merely allude to the possibility of an ‘antecedent’ strain embedded in the human body and, perhaps, mind. We live in fairly close communion with what we term ‘domesticated’ creatures, much as we refer to human – unfortunately more often women – in such a manner to suggest a comfort with the hearth than with the caveman skills of slaying lions.

Have religious mores made the human less animal? How would then one explain “unnatural sex”, which mimics to an extent animal behaviour when in heat? Humans do not have a period of being in heat. Should one therefore assume that evolution has empowered the homosapien to continue with perpetual animalistic behaviour, and the true test is the amount of value-laden acts that manage to supercede pleasure? However, experiencing pleasure is a human boon; animals do not feel it, except perhaps as relief, much as scratching an itch.

When we read about instances of humans and animals, the preference seems to be for what might broadly be the canine and bovine family. There is rarely an instance of sex with simians, who are closest to us. Is there a ‘morality’ embedded in unnaturalism, where this would be deemed as incest?

Also, would we be able to stretch attraction to pets where the sexual act might never occur but the affection is a compensatory aspect, and indeed the nuzzling, caressing, licking are not too far from human foreplay? These do not worry us, or even cross our minds, because there is a clear demarcation in our ethical paradigm. Bestiality is when the lines blur. A human having intercourse with an animal is termed bestial. We refuse to see it from the animal perspective. Surely, we could not term it ‘humanistic’. And we do not even care much about it. That probably explains how eveolved we are, for we can take control of our acts and how we choose to see them, as also the moral dimension we give it.

“Evil powers” are blamed. Men have used such evil powers against other humans too. In fact, in the animal kingdom, there appears to be more equality in sexual encounters. There may not be long-term relationships, but the act itself is not confined to the male prerogative to ‘take’. In the human context, women who are adventurous may be exciting, but they are termed “wild” by their partners too. Even a progressive man would not fail to notice the uninhibited passion. It is, therefore, seen as a departure from what is common human conduct.

Recently, a 750-year-old stone tablet was discovered in Vasai, a far suburb of Mumbai, that suggests a woman had copulated with a donkey. 

The Times of India report quotes historian Shridatta Raut, of Kille Vasai Mohim, who chanced upon the tablet:

“The stone dates back to the era of the Shilahara kings, who ruled Vasai around 1,000 years ago. It bears a few lines in Sanskrit that we are trying to decipher. Years of exposure to the elements and accumulated dirt have blurred the inscription, but we have read a series of ‘Shri Shri Shri Shri’, which shows that the tablet must have been commissioned by a senior courtier or perhaps a Brahmin. The stone bears an image of a donkey copulating with a human female, perhaps threatening transgressors that a similar fate would befall their women should their menfolk ignore the warning.” 

This suggests that not only did humans a few centuries ago use women for procreation, but were not averse to the idea of bestiality as punishment. The female as wartime booty had become a fairly common occurrence. This ‘tradition’ continues. What is deemed as repugnant has been legitimised as machismo. For the male, woman is property is used to protect other property.

Is it much different from animals marking their territory?

© Farzana Versey

Leave the guys alone...

People sit in an auditorium watching a wicked play. The jokes are vulgar; there is talk about the female anatomy and sex. What makes this one different? It is restricted to men only.

The reaction is that it is sexist. It is not. The director has not tried to hide intent nor the fact that “‘Only for adult men’ is my USP. It has worked. It is the first time in India, rather in the world, that such a tagline has been used”. Has it caused consternation because the characters are the regular sort?

We have shows for ladies only, be it for movies, plays or other cultural activities. Do women accompany their partners or male friends to dance bars, where men go to enjoy a few drinks and ogle at the dancers? How many women attend tamasha shows (a rustic and sensual dance performance loaded with innuendo) even in the villages where it is a staple form of entertainment?

How, then, can the playwright-director-producer Ashok Patole be put in the dock for “gender segregation” for restricting entry to ‘Ek Chavat Sandhyakaal’ (One Naughty Evening)?

He explained in an interview to Mirror:

“That is a matter of choice. Our play has adult material which, we think, is unpalatable for women. That’s why we do not wish to embarrass women, and also men. We were told by men to keep this a fun evening that they can enjoy. They claimed that they will not be able to laugh aloud at the sexy jokes if their wives were with them.”

It is shocking that he was asked whether women could not use the Indian Constitutional right to watch this play, when many women activists cry themselves hoarse over how women are portrayed. This is a closed group, and everyone knows that women too have their moments of fun. It has become quite the in thing in the metro cities for the ladies who lunch to invite a male stripper. The dynamics are changing, and although these are superficial indulgences there is no denying their usefulness as a form of social catharsis.It is beyond the male pattern Chippendales that advertises itself as :for ladies' entertainment'.

I remember watching a Dada Kondke film that was known for its rather crude humour in a small cinema hall. Curiosity about its filmmaker-actor was what prodded me. It was difficult to convince a friend to accompany me, to begin with. I was the only woman there and I could see that those sitting around me weren’t comfortable. We left mid-way.

The director, therefore, has a point when he says:

“If we had opened the play to everyone, and if some women had found it objectionable, our play would have been banned. We would have been labelled as porn-makers. Theatre-goers, who otherwise savour English sex comedies and Hindi bedroom farces, would have joined some women’s organisations, would have organised morchas against us. So, the marginal chance of doing well at the box-office would have been lost. We didn’t want that. And this tagline helped us put the play into perspective.”

This is way more honest than some ‘bold’ attempts at selling a film on the basis of making a feminist statement. Example being The Dirty Picture. Standard phrases like exploitation, empowerment, breaking the glass ceiling are used without understanding the import of these. Even the more offbeat feminist films and plays, without saying so, are indeed restrictive, in that they are catering to a female audience, have female sensibilities and make no attempt to market themselves for the consumption of men. A case in point being The Vagina Monologues, where the male, however aware and enlightened he might be, was a spectator. Unlike the woman as empathiser-observer.

This men’s only play has “two men talking about sexuality-related issues. A sexologist and a professor help a PhD student to analyze her subject: ‘Psychological, sociological and physical need of sexuality-related jokes and swear words’. It entails all those jokes that we chuckle over in private. We have just made those jokes public. What’s wrong in entertaining people? And we are not even involving people below 18. There is no malicious intent. I am a progressive director with a very broad openended view of sex and morality.”

That is the reason I find it intrusive that women would want to barge in. A female councillor after getting complaints – about what? That women could not attend a play they might find repugnant? – has muscled her way in and the shows will now have a new tagline welcoming the female audience.

I wonder if, as a matter of gender parity, they’d also use the men’s facilities.

(c) Farzana Versey

Great things about being a virgin man

Women are often concerned about losing their virginity. It is partly psychological and often due to what society expects, especially in the Indian context. That is the reason you will see desperate queries addressed to sexologists about how to hide the hymen rupture from the husbands, if he isn’t the one a woman has had sex with.

The sexpert tells her that there is something called trust, and she can lose her precious tissue while exercising, swimming, horse riding or spending quality time with a cucumber.

A rather regressive article that advises women to preserve their virginity has appeared in the Times of India. I believe that if virginity is so important, then men should be equally concerned about preserving the 'site'. So, here’s my rejoinder to a few points.

(Disclaimer: I do not adhere to the views in the piece or what I say. It is purely seeing the flip side)

There is nothing worrisome about your virgin status. Instead you should feel proud of it. It's not a big deal for it can be lost anytime. We know sex feels great, but just remember that there are many advantages of being a virgin. It is one of the most special gifts god has given you.

God did not gift virginity. A foetus was formed in the womb, and sometimes there are breakages of different parts. As regards feeling proud, why should men be denied such pride? And there are some goodies in store if you keep yourself to yourself.

So, for all virgin women out there, here is a list of few great things about being one.

No pregnancy fears: Out of the many advantages, this one is the most obvious. Many women who have regular sex always worry about getting pregnant. So if you are a virgin you need not worry about this, and also no headache of popping those birth control pills.

Men don’t have to worry about getting a woman pregnant and being subjected to baby pictures, right from Lord Krishna with butter smeared on his mouth to Justin Bieber trying to sing.

No STDs: It's always safe to be a virgin in this society where STDs like HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis are so common. If you are not having sex that means you are much less likely to contract STDs.

Men should remain virgins because these diseases can afflict them too, and do so more often. Besides, if they stay away from intercourse, they can even spend less time tapping the keyboard, and save themselves from strain on the back and eyes.

No emotional trauma of a relationship: Sometimes there is nothing left in a relationship after sex. Love is not all about sex so there are many things a couple can do without sex in a relationship. Remember, a sexual disappointment can make you feel hurt, lonely and angry.

True, and men need to hang on to their life because their seed is so crucial to the perpetuation of the species. They are more concerned about how well they do in bed. So, instead of getting many opinions beforehand, that might reduce self-esteem or result in raised expectations, they can just wait for the right time.

Your man will feel so proud and happy: It's a fact; most men still prefer a virgin woman. No guys want to think about his girl having sex with other guys. Even though virgin women are not sexually experienced, men still love them and feel more sexually excited. He will respect your innocence, and also there won't be any arguments on your past relationships.

Women find fumbling men cute. Haven’t you heard that all that brawn stuff just does not turn them on as much as a guy who is vulnerable? She will respect that and there will be no nagging about who you were with in the Palaeolithic Age. You can also spare the moment when by mistake you utter the names of Cleopatra, Nefertiti or Mrs Chaddha, or uncharacteristically say “Darrling” instead of “Honey”. Women can catch these linguistic derailments.

You are pure as an angel: Virgins are probably one of the sanest people on earth. Most virgin women have morals and respect themselves. Also they take relationship and marriage very seriously.

Virgin men are like Adam, the first man. A woman, therefore, feels like she is in heaven. Virgin men are sane because their other ‘brain’ has not been used as yet. When both brains come together, men understand respect and as they begin to value the relationship between their extremes they also value their partners.

So now, save your virginity. Don't give it away on a platter.

Yes, men. Treat it like a crusade. Save the endangered species. Wrap up the dildo.

Young love on a leash?

When I read the media quoting activists, especially on the issue of teenage sexuality, I think there is often too much effort in an attempt to sound ‘progressive’. The latest is a ‘regressive’ law:

Under the special law proposed in the freshly revised "Protection of Children From Sexual Offences Bill”, no person below 18 years will have the legal capability to give consent for engaging in any kind of sexual activity. This flies in the face of the general law, Indian Penal Code (IPC), which recognizes 16 as the age of consent for girls.

The Bill in its original form, as introduced last year in Parliament, did not contain any such contradiction. In keeping with the definition of rape in Section 375 of IPC, the Bill, envisaging special safeguards for children, expressly said that where "penetrative sexual assault" is committed against "a child between 16 to 18 years of age, it shall be considered whether the consent for such act has been obtained against the will of the child or the consent has been obtained by use of violence, force ..."

I believe that many young people get into early sexual intimacy due to curiosity, peer pressure, not to speak about hormones. How consensual are these experiments, then? Young girls can be forced into consenting – with the promise of being part of an adventurous group, or of commitment.

The law has to only try and sound empathetic, but even then it had concentrated on “penetrative sexual assault”. Does deleting the clause make it tough on young love?

Madhu Kishwar, founder of Manushi, said:

“Do we want to start punishing young people for premarital sex? Do we want them to start wearing chastity belts? The authorities have gone overboard in removing the age of consent for those between 16 and 18, especially in a scenario where young people are getting sexually active at an early age. This is stupid and goes against the child.”

You refer to the person as a child and want the right of adults. Premarital sex can take place later, given the delayed marriage age among women. At 16, it is not a question of chastity belts but whether they can be responsible. Much of India still believes that sexual activity is also about emotional intimacy. Young people are not automatons. That is the reason we have abolished child marriage, which these activists agree is important to get rid of. Did society not insist that the age of marriage be raised to 18, and rightly so?

And may I ask how many of them would approve if their children were sexually active outside marriage at that young an age?

Is the problem only because the law would involve the parents should such a situation arise and bring them infamy?

Another comment is this:

“We know of instances where boys between 16 and 18 have been sent to jail for consensual sex with a girl. The new law is highly regressive and will result in an increase in such instances and also make it dangerous to engage in physical relationships. This, in turn, will lead to a rise in risky sexual behaviour. The health risks increase for girls, while boys will be threatened with jail. No gender will benefit.”

If indeed a regressive law will result in more such instances, then it could apply to so many other laws, and only proves that the youngsters are out to prove something, to rebel. As for risky sexual behaviour, the lack of knowledge is astounding. Among the people who are rounded up by the cops, the problem is due to use of public space. If the parents are so open-minded, would they leave the teenagers alone in the room at home? Do people, even adults, seek permission and ensure safe sex? Premarital pregnancies, abortion and misuse of pills are not age-restricted.

Psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty is being facile:

“Age of sexual contact has gone down remarkably and the adult-child is a reality. It refutes the changing times and is a denial of the current reality. Taking away the provision of consent puts a heavy price on any attempt at sexual exploration by kids in their late teens. If a 19-year-old boy has sex with a 17-year-old girl, will you put him away in jail?"

Let us bring a current example in mind. A 14-year-old girl was murdered. Her parents are prime suspects because she was reportedly intimate with her servant. It is said it was a case of ‘honour killing’. They used every attempt to divert the attention of the cops; even got medical evidence changed. Would the law have intervened to put the boy in jail? Or would the parents have wanted to protect their name and do what reports have said they did?

There are far too many questions that we need to ask ourselves instead of pushing for a liberal agenda that might make young people more vulnerable to believe about rights in a superficial manner.

Shanta Sinha, chairperson of the National Commission for the Protection of Child Rights (NCPCR) believes:

“Penalizing such activities will only add to the confusion. The law can be used against both boys and girls. Anybody, from parents to neighbours, can complain to the authorities, who will, in turn, take action against the youngsters. As a result, something very natural will now become distorted, secretive and unacceptable. This will have consequences for how we organize our society and relations between boys and girls.”

How many rape cases are reported when the girl is underage? Do the parents bother? Are they not afraid of what society will say despite the girl being a victim? So, how can anyone say that people will complain? If we wish to empower our young, then it is by taking them into confidence. It is true that on paper the law criminalises sex before 18, but parents and neighbours have looked down on such acts without legal intervention. Girls, especially, are beaten up not only by cops but by their own families even if they are as much as seen with boys.

Real life is not chick lit or a Karan Johar film.

(c)Farzana Versey

Shading the Vagina

Yoni puja, worshipping the vagina, from Yogini Temple, MP, India

I’d like my vagina to be nice and bright. This is my choice. Just as women make a choice to depilate the pubic area, or opt only for a bikini wax. Why do we do it? To feel clean and because we do not want hairs sticking out from the sides in swimsuits and lacy lingerie. We do not want menstrual blood drying on hair in the private parts unless we take good care to wash. We do not like smells that emanate from there, however natural the odour. Fragrant soap and powder are our allies. Often, we use panty liners because of the discharge.

So, why the vitriolic, supposedly feministic, reaction to an Indian feminine hygiene product only because its tagline states: “Life for women will now be fresher, cleaner and more importantly fairer and more intimate”? I found nothing offensive about the 25-second ad for Clean & Dry Intimate Wash that is aired on television. In fact, it seemed like a regular liquid soap. I missed pretty much of the controversy surrounding it until just the other day.

There are several ads where women cook, clean, dress for a man’s pleasure. One ad a while ago showed a village woman getting a little orgasm washing her husband’s underwear at the river! There are small sounds about these, not loud moans, as in this case. I was surprised at how proving oneself ends up being another form of peer pressure. “If you believe in women’s rights, how can you tolerate this typical obsession with fairness?” is the first dart thrown. Since it has to do with genitals, and Indian ones, the issue has become international. And the Indian ladies, who probably stuff their faces with SPF 50 sunblock cream or carry little paisley-print brollies to protect themselves, went ballistic. It was as though they were just waiting to show the world that we Indians don’t just have elephants and call centres and IT guys, we have the hardware that does not need any software. It was a bold step to out their pubes and flaunt its different shades.

To add ballast to their argument, they used the tried-and-tested racist angle. In India, there is most certainly a bias with a preference for fairer skin. But it is not based on caste or religion, but region. Face fairness products do show that success depends on how light-skinned you are. Unfortunately, the wrong man has been quoted to explain this. Indian theatre personality and veteran ad man Alyque Padamsee said:

“The only reason I can offer for why people like fairness, is this: if you have two beautiful girls, one of them fair and the other dark, you see the fair girl’s features more clearly. This is because her complexion reflects more light.”

This brought about a flurry of, ooh, so my vagina has to reflect light. However asinine his views, he was not talking about the pubic area.

Don’t these people read sex advice columns? Look at the number of men, much more than women, who want a solution to the dark area around the genitals. They are equally concerned about clipping hair or dried semen inside the folds of the foreskin. Brazilian waxing has become popular in some countries among men and a few salons even offer to embellish the area with little jewels. If a product such as the one for women is launched for men, they will most certainly opt for it. We are anyway talking about a limited section of people who use these.

I find it pathetic that there is anger about a woman pleasing a man. Well, I do not know how many of us women sit down and take a good look at our vaginas in a day and say with much poise and confidence, this is who I am and proud of it. It makes no sense. Sex – and due to circumstantial requirements the genitals are involved – is about pleasure: receiving and giving it. Yoni (vagina) worship was as common as lingam (phallus) worship centuries ago. Men try hard; women do so too. In fact, while women invest much more in ‘things’ – thongs, unguents, waxing - men have to rely on their organ. These women ought to ask themselves whether or not they have pampered themselves with such seductive indulgences. Partly, it could be the reasons I mentioned at the beginning, but like hell it would be a lie if no woman has tried to please a man in bed because it gives her pleasure too. Oh, watch out, whipped cream is white.

Wait. They are not against pleasure. They just don’t want to be coloured. I read this piece of tripe in Jezebel:

In this commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a (very light-skinned) couple sits down for what would have been a peaceful cup of morning coffee – if the woman's disgusting brown vagina hadn't ruined everything! The dude can't even bring himself look at her. He can't look at his coffee either, because it only reminds him of his wife's dripping, coffee-brown hole! Fortunately, the quick-thinking woman takes a shower, scrubbing her swarthy snatch with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash ("Freshness + Fairness"). And poof! Her vadge comes out blinding white like a downy baby lamb (and NOT THE GROSS BLACK KIND) and her husband – whose penis, I can only assume, is literally a light saber – is all, "Hey, lady! Cancel them divorce papers and LET'S BONE."

Despite the attempt at in-your-face bravado, it reminds me of a sophomore necking in a corner, puckering collagen lips when caught. It is an insecure reaction, for the assumptions override the facts. The couple is light-skinned, as in many ads. Why does a woman have to be dripping? Who is the one putting pressure on the female here? And the hole is not about colour. It is the area around the vagina. If there is such a problem with that, I can imagine how difficult it will be for the drippers to find their clits, just in case the man ignores them.

In an ad of a few seconds, everything has to be quick. She is going to take a shower, which isn’t bad. Maybe she is spraying the water jet inside her for a bit of self-love, just in case he isn’t all that much of a dude, eh? In one wash, she comes out feeling fresh and dry (aha, there goes the dripping fun you had on her behalf). So they, the story goes, end up in bed and he cancels the divorce. Strange that it does not strike the faux fur-flying feminists that she might want to divorce the man and live with a bright and fresh genital location. What a shame, for are they not revolted that women want to please men?

Do us a favour. Since you look at yourself, and you are so against this fair business, just pour some dark chocolate on your vagina. This is a statement you are making, so don’t let any man rear his head near you.

(c) Farzana Versey

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Update: Am linking two old pieces to give a perspective. And spare me the crackers about how your feminism is bigger than mine.

On the movement to get men to shave: A close shave?

On men's rights, feminism, and beyond: Another patriarchy - Feminist men and Amazonian women

Born to live-in?

Gujarat has paved the way for legitimate live-in relationships. You don’t have to be in love, but if you are looking for a mate in your later years the Vina Mulya Amulya Seva (VMAS) has the option for you. On Sunday, they organised a “Senior Citizen Live-in Relationship Sammelan”. 300 men and 70 women attended. Seven couples found what they were looking for and will go on a few dates before they start living together. No wedding ceremony, no legal papers.

“I have all the luxuries in life, but I wanted somebody to share my feelings with and find an emotional connect,” said one of the lucky men whose partner’s needs are simple: to be with “someone whom I can enjoy life with, go shopping and watch movies”. Another 60-year-old male participant said, “At my age, sex is not a consideration. What I need is company, a person with whom I can live with for the rest of my life.”

Why are they not choosing the legal route, then? I also do not like the desexualising aspect. It is a sham. People can enjoy sex for longer and, in fact, this should be kept in mind. Is this just another avenue for people looking for an outlet? A report states:

The organisers would be monitoring the relationship status of the couples in future, and if required, would also make the men make a security deposit to ensure that the women do not get exploited.

Once the woman and man start living under one roof, the role-playing will start. The men will be at an advantage because they may need someone to care for them. The woman can be exploited to look after the house and the grandchildren, if any are living with them. Moreover, chances of him walking away are greater. At this age, how will the woman cope? There is nothing to bind them together. I also do not like the sound of a “security deposit” as though the woman is some object that has to be kept in a vault. Will the organisation arrange for a ‘replacement’ just in case one relationship does not work out?

I understand the loneliness, and how difficult it is to find someone to share so many of life’s pleasures with. This is possibly a good avenue, but I am a bit concerned about the consequences.

Is this radical? I am not too sure. Besides their immediate families, how will their neighbours, friends, relatives react? Will they be seen as spouses or will they be sneered at? How will they explain their status to the young kids in the family? When people of a certain age in our society fall in love and decide to live together there are question marks. Even today, in urban areas among the elite too, the non-marital status is emphasised.

And, indeed, I am curious to know how this sort of gathering did not rile the culture custodians that rough up young people for cuddling up and celebrating Valentines Day, and tears movie posters because ‘it goes against our culture’ and is a westernised import? Why are they behaving as though we are born to live-in? The reason is simple. They delude themselves, quite deliberately, that the people are too old to do anything and the patriarchy is so strong that they believe the poor man will need someone to look after him in his dotage without having to leave anything behind.

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Unstoppable!

Talking about the ‘no sex’ angle, a 95-year-old man is getting tired of his one-year-old son. The bloke is impeding his fun. Ramjeet Raghav of Haryana who became the world’s oldest father last year, said:

"I used to be able to go on through the night, sometimes two to three times a night, and if I got the chance during the day then I would. But now we have our son it's not always possible. We're so tired all the time and there isn't the opportunity.”

But not one to give up and amazingly for a villager quite concerned about his 59-year-old wife Shakuntala’s enjoyment too, he saves up money to pop the V pill.

“I now take a capsule a few times a month so I can go the whole night again. “I'm up, down, up, down, through the night. I don't stop. It makes me feel like our wedding night again. She loves it.”

They don't want any more kids. No beating round the bush here. Straight and simple. I wonder if they have time to do the movies, though. And they sure as hell are emotionally connected if they like the same things. 

Ask the vexpert - 28

Question: I have a problem. While masturbating, I think about animals and ejaculate. It gives me immense pleasure. Am I all right? Please help.

Sexpert: Why? Do you want to have sex with them? Which animal do you think of? Try to stop yourself. It’s not okay. Perhaps, if you fantasise about a crocodile, you may want to stop. If it persists, see a psychiatrist.

Me: You are all right, because the theory of evolution says we were apes. Quite a bit of our activities involves being down on all fours – cleaning floors, looking for lost objects and even praying. This is our ancestry. What you are doing is akin to going through old sepia-coloured pictures in fraying albums. Many humans use sexually-loaded terms with other humans like ‘animalistic’, ‘tigress’, ‘lion’, ‘bitch in heat’, ‘foxy’, and these are considered as desirable qualities in bed. So, why should they suddenly be ‘bad’ when you think about real animals?

There is some psychological reason too and it depends on the animal you fantasise about and what it tells about you:

• Dog: You seek loyalty
• Cat: Cleanliness fanatic
• Pig: Messy
• Donkey: ‘Take the burden off me’
• Horse: Adventure. If it is a derby type, then you expect a winning partnership, come what may, so to speak
• Zebra: Swing between black and white phases
• Monkey: You want a mimic
• Orangutan: For old times’ sake
• Elephant: Whoops! Do you? Well, then, there are two choices – you either like being crushed or being lifted

One more reason. Animals do not talk back, so in all probability you like your partner to be quiet. But animals grunt and meow and bark. So do humans. Am afraid you will have to live with the similarities, unless, unless... you can think about a turtle.

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Question: Many a time I wonder: God has given all important organs to humans. However, I fail to understand what could be the reason of having growth of hair around private parts and arm pits. Request you to answer and satisfy my curiosity.

Sexpert: Maybe for decoration! When men and women did not wear designer clothes the hair was useful. Have you noticed that the hair is swept backwards conveniently, I presume when we were ape men!

Me: God was shy. 

Ask the vexpert - 27

Question: When women have a problem with their vagina they go to a gynaecologist. Whom should men consult when they have problems with the penis?


Sexpert: First the family physician and if he feels necessary an andrologist/urologist.


Me: The neurologist.

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Question: I am a 24-year-old bachelor. I have three problems with my penis — 1) I can have sex with a woman for hardly two minutes before it drops 2) It is not fat as everyone else’s. 3) It doesn’t harden during sex with a girl. What should I do? I’m very sad.

Sexpert: The problem is in your head and not your penis. Go see a sexpert.

Me: Do not be sad.

1. You have not specified where it drops. I assume you mean it goes flaccid. This could be due to the drop in temperature. Ideally, heat should expand it, so obviously the problem is the location. Unfortunately, your partner/s’ specific area tends to cool off after two minutes – it could be a deliberate strategy to get you laid off. Most employers use it and this seems to be no different.
2. Your penis is adipose-resistant. It believes that it needs to fit in, so there is a problem with larding. Maybe there is a fat man waiting to come out, but again there is the economics factor. With rising inflation you are in fact lucky.
3. The problem is not with you but the media sound bytes where girls go on an on about soft and gentle men; ads talk of men’s soft skin. The penis is only mimicking what is expected.

There are solutions:

1. Stay away from fast food, quick-to-cook noodles. Watch videos of food simmering for long on slow heat.
2. If you really like it beefy, then add layers. This might counteract the first point, though, giving the impression you are in Alaska or Siberia.
3. Do not ever present yourself as a nice guy, even if you are one. Your weapon is into fads and gets swayed easily, so train it by doing some hard labour outside of the desired arena. It should, one hopes, get the message.

If nothing works, then portray yourself as they do in matrimonial ads: Here is a slim, soft guy, but ambitious and in a hurry to get things done.

Ask the vexpert - 26

Question: I want to know what semen tastes like. Is it salty, sweet or bitter. Would any of the above determine the quality of the sperms? If so, is there any possibility of deficiency/ill-health in the newborn. Can one prevent this?


Sexpert: Why not taste it if you are so keen to know? Salty, bitter or sweet the sperms merrily swim in the fluid. You cannot predict anything by the flavour.

Me: Sperms are like human beings – full of tantrums, picky, running the rat race and they have a sense of taste. And fun as well. If they are accosted by a strawberry-flavoured condom, be sure that they will think of cream and even Wimbledon by association, if they are well-travelled. The flavours you mention are the ones they live with and are influenced by. Individuals may possess all of these at different times, so a particular semen sample would reflect the mood of the day, a sort of ‘status’ on Facebook. Here is my guide:

Salty: The sperm will be an essential ingredient, a rather sociable being, adding a dash of that something extra. However, the possibility of water retention and high blood pressure may make them a bit slow and giddy headed. But salt goes well with eggs, so while they are together they will be rather well-adjusted.

Sweet: The sperm swimming in such a honeyed environ could well be a bit sticky to deal with. Once he gets rid of the baggage, the sweetness will make him a good after-meal companion. Like dessert. Since the only sweet eggs you get are for Easter, there will be hope of a second coming, a metaphorical need to return to roots. The also look for stability, a few good friends, and will turn out to be nice guys or good girls. 

Bitter: The first thought is to feel sorry, but the bitter medicine will stand these sperms in good stead later in life. They will be toughened and to get rid of the bitterness resort to airing their tongue, which will later transform into a give a damn attitude. They may rarely carry residual bitterness because they managed to rise above it anyway. However, they could suffer from angst and be wary of too much sweetness.

Before going ahead, taste the thing and then decide what kind of babies you want. And don’t slap the butter on. It masks the natural taste and misleads. Besides, grease could end in corrupt sperms. Imagine a people’s movement against you only because you want to do something like ‘Last Tango in Paris’.

Blank Sex

After five minutes of deep contemplation, I am ready with my book 'What Every Woman Thinks About Apart From Sex'. It will have blank pages to convey that no one knows what a woman is thinking of, even regarding sex. Of course, to make sure that I am taken seriously I will refer to the ‘painstaking research’ that went into the effort.

Will it be a bestseller?

If my luck is as good as Sheridan Simove’s, then yes. The Oxford graduate’s work 'What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex' has raced ahead of Harry Potter and Dan Brown. It is listed at number 744 on Amazon. The 200 blank pager that is supposed to suggest the answer to his thesis is “nothing” is sheer gimmick and one is surprised at the stupidity of the ‘readers’ as well as, I am afraid, the ‘writer’. You might say that a man who has such entrepreneurial skills cannot be stupid. It depends on how we define entrepreneurs and stupidity.

He explains:

“This book is the result of 39 years of painstaking research and practical study into the subject. I left nothing to chance and really threw myself into my work. After many years of hard work I finally realised that men think of absolutely nothing apart from sex. It was a shocking conclusion and I realised that the world needed to be informed of my findings.”

Huh? He is 39, so has he been studying and practising this even while he was burping out baby vomit?

For years different studies have been telling us that men think about sex every two seconds or whatever. What sort of hard work did such discovery involve? Did he speak to men from different cultures and spheres of life? What did he notice when men were performing other tasks – did they get moony-eyed or cast lustful glances or went all the way and got spasmodic? What exactly constitutes ‘thinking’? Did professionals doing their jobs imagine sexual imagery in their work areas – like cardiologists saw a hole in the heart and the mechanical engineer looked for the right lubricating agent?

Students in Britain are happily shelling out £4.69 for the book. It has become a “craze”, but they are taking lecture notes on those blank pages. Any person who feels it is “gratifying to see my book outselling many other academic works whose authors claim to have worked even harder than I to break new ground and further the extent of human knowledge” would pause and question his posture. Not so, Sheridan:

“I never anticipated that my book would be used for students to take their lecture notes in. In a sense they are proving me wrong by filling my book with content. But I wonder how many of them go back to thinking about sex once the lecture is over. I’d be willing to bet that answer is 100%. In fact I would go even further and estimate that 99% are thinking about sex even during the lecture. They probably think using my book as a notepad will help them get laid. And they are of course totally correct in that hypothesis.”

This is the sit-down version of stand-up comic stuff. He is so obsessed with the idea of thinking about sex and his now-popular ratings that he imagines the use of his work as a notebook will help the students to get laid. He has threatened to write a similar book about women, but as of now he knows precious little. Women do not get excited seeing men/boys reading books on sex, especially if they are empty. Women don’t like vacuums or the vacuous.

And guys may think of sex often, but they grow up and find it sexier to hit the ball or the competitor harder. Now if only Sheridan had tied his labour of lust with a nice leather whip then both men and women might have had something to do besides taking notes on calculus.

Men on a mission

You get a silky or lacy thing from him but it might be to keep track of somebody snuggling up to you when he is out of sight. The Chastity Garter will send men a text message if their wives or girlfriends are cheating on them.

Edward and Lucinda Hale came up with the idea because:

“Our relationship nearly fell apart when Lucinda cheated me. She told me she regretted it and wished there was a way of removing the temptation by making straying impossible.”

I don’t think this garter will take away temptation, which lies in the mind. It will only make it difficult to act upon it. I also find the technicalities a bit amiss:

The garter monitors rising pulse rate as well as surface moisture levels on the skin and when these apparent signals of sexual stimulation occur, a text message is sent to alert the woman’s husband or boyfriend.

See, where is the remedy for temptation? She is all charged up and excited and all her partner will get is a beep-beep to tell him there’s something about Mary, but no apple will be bitten into. Why? Only an automatic text message can unlock it, which is a control freak idea. Does it make him feel any better? Imagine if he’s in a meeting and is alerted about a panting spouse. What does he do? Leave the client and rush to save conjugal bliss? Will he reach on time? What if she was only indulging in a bit of self love? Or reading some erotic literature?

It is also an exceedingly regressive product. And to think that this is a gift for the woman. Do women want it? Is it not insulting? I can only hope this piece of bondage turns the tables and makes the recipients get on top and whip it out.

Another freaky idea for the boob trap is one of those make life easy bras. US engineer Randy Sarafan believes he has come to the rescue of millions of men and women by inventing a bra that will come off with a clap of hands. I think it is unromantic and quite chauvinistic. It is like a master clapping to get services rendered, for the woman won’t be doing the clapping. If fumbling with hooks was a problem in the throes of passion, how will this stupid act not douse the fire?

Think about a man standing behind and clapping and then the garment falls off. He would have to stand behind or she would have to be face down or well they would have to think about when to clap and what to do next, all kind of planned. Besides, what if his hands are clammy?

Honestly, hooks aren’t all that tough. I understand men don’t like to ask for directions, but at least in this case women would be quite ready to just release themselves. Guys, you can save the applause for after you’ve got it right, not before.

Sex at 12?

Very soon, if the Bill is passed, Indian children will be permitted to have sex. I read this report a few days ago and am still trying to figure out what it means.

Twelve-year-old children may soon be legally permitted to have non-penetrative sex with children their age. That’s one of the proposals of a draft Protection of Children From Sexual Offences Bill, 2010, which has been sent to states by the ministry of women and child development for their views.

The Bill also seeks to introduce a gradation in the age of consensual non-penetrative sex (12-14 years and 14-16 years) against the existing age of consent for sex which is 16 years. It proposes that in case of the age group 12-14, the maximum age gap between partners should be two years. For the 14-16 group, the maximum gap should be three years.

What precisely qualifies as non-penetrative sex? Let me be clear: Is it restricted to vaginal or anal as well, given that with the legalisation of homosexuality sodomy is not a crime anymore? What is the reason for the reduction of age limit? How will it protect against sexual offences, when there are different forms of molestation that do not require penetration? What about oral sex? And soft child porn, which already has a huge market?

How will the authorities ascertain that it is consensual? Not many 12-year-olds are hooked on the internet and playing video games will blow-up dolls and preening guys. Imagine the consequences of children being subjected to a thorough physical ‘check-up’ in the school urinal or washroom. Will it change the norms of ragging? We will not even venture into such occurrences in small towns and villages.

The gap of two and three years will ensure that on paper there is no exploitation or paedophilia. But, an adult who has taken advantage of a youngster can well put the blame on a classmate of the victim or a neighbour or friend.

While a senior official of the ministry of women and child development confirmed that the Bill has been sent to state governments, law minister Veerappa Moily said he was not aware of it.

He had better wake up and not relegate his involvement to saying it is not right. For, these people have some silly ideas:

Aparna Bhat, an SC lawyer who was part of a National Commission for Protection of Child Rights group that drafted the latest bill said the gradation of age down to 12 years was to decriminalize sexual exploration by two children.

Under the existing law, if two 12-year-olds get physical and if one child’s parent complains, the other can be pulled up by the Juvenile Justice Board.

Sexual exploration? If they have attained puberty and are exposed to quite a bit of the stuff available, then they might progress beyond superficial exploration. It is ridiculous to assume that on the one hand there is talk of consent and then there is a mention about one child’s parent complaining. This can have vast social ramifications. How many kids will go and tell their parents they have agreed to have a doctor-doctor session with the girl/guy in school or down the road? If there is some bodily evidence or harm, then the complaint would be a matter of the parent taking over and crying foul even if it has been consensual.

We have a law against child marriage, even though such marriages made it mandatory for the children to reach a certain age before they could live together. This Bill is a regressive move under the garb of giving children the right to consent.

The minimum age in the US is between 16 and 18; in the UK, it is 16 and in Spain 13. We are truly starting young and putting the children, the future, on the block.

Ask the vexpert - 23

Question: Could you please let me know if there is any procedure/medicine to conceive twins?


Sexpert: Whose decision is this? Are you autocratic in your relationship? Have you thought of the extra burden of pregnancy and birth your wife will have to bear? There is no such medication available.


Me: As you know it is the fastest sperms that get to the goalpost, so you will have to start a reward programme which makes team work imperative. It will be like a doubles at Wimbledon. They will have to first go through a dry run, so to speak, and make sure they know what they are getting into. It is a commitment and most sperms just do the dash in and veer away due to the phobia of being sentenced to an egg cell. These two will need to be certain. Then they have to practise speed and accuracy of aim. If they are comfortable, they might enter one egg together or they could find a home in two separate eggs. Accordingly, your wife will bear identical or non-identical twins.

To train your sperms you will have to follow the same method you would to have an extra-marital affair – work harder or fake better.

Sunday ka Funda

“There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes”

- Richard Buckminster Fuller

These pictures of the latest strap-on mattress may seem to be inventive, but it expects expected outcomes. Straps for the hands so women can stay in place comfortably and men can hold on for dear life, a trench for the men to place their knees “for extra traction and grip”.






The makers do admit that “even the laziest lovers can put some extra snap into their performance”.

Wonder why they did not just make a nice little seat where the guy could deposit his account while he settled down with his gin and tonic.

The swami moves from sex to kerosene

This seems like such a convenient way to purge yourself. Swami Nithyananda involved in a sex scandal was released on bail. He decided to indulge in a purification ritual, the pancha tapasya near fire. His spokesperson said he would also pray for world peace. That is generous. But, how did the courts allow such public purification? He has not been exonerated and if the cases are proved against him he would be sentenced to prison. The manner in which he has been going about his penance, it would seem that he is above the law and still has a following.

Just when his purification was happening, it was found that there is another fiery scandal:

Self-styled godman Swami Nithyananda has courted fresh trouble for allegedly using kerosene meant for poor families during his meditation for ‘penance’ and may face a seven year jail term if convicted. Nithyananda, out on bail after staying in jail for 53 days on rape charge, resorted to the ‘pancha tapasya’ in his Bidadi ashram. Over180 litres of kerosene was seized from there.

Had it not been about poor families, this would have been comical. He has his fans who could have sponsored his purification. I am not sure how sitting before a fire will alter things. If he is seeking to purify himself, does this not amount to some sort of acceptance of culpability? Will he gain sympathy from the public? Will his devotees feel better? Does it help him?

There is a place for rituals for those who indulge in them with true intent and as a private act.

From the looks of it, he appears pretty cocky about the way the case has gone and his current situation. There aren’t too many precedents of such people serving their full terms. We are a nation that believes in what we cannot easily understand. Mumbo-jumbo is a panacea and people like Nityananda work along these lines.

I hope he at least realises that kerosene is a rationed item and many people in this country do not have unlimited access to it.

Obviously, the guy has moved on from being swinger to swindler.

The Swami and Bonded Labour?

He was caught with his robes up, but can Swami Nithyananda be sentenced?

As in sensitive corporate assignments, this young godman made his devotees sign a contract. These are supposedly educated people, mostly women, many NRIs. He used that old bait – ancient tantric secrets.

I am surprised that despite the clarity of the contractual obligations there were signatories. Here are some details:

“Volunteer understands that the programme may involve the learning and practice of ancient tantric secrets associated with male and female ecstasy, including the use of sexual energy for increased intimacy/spiritual connection, pleasure, harmony and freedom. Volunteer understands that these activities could be physically and mentally challenging, and may involve nudity, access to visual images, graphic visual depictions, and descriptions of nudity and sexual activity, close physical proximity and intimacy, verbal and written descriptions and audio sounds of a sexually oriented, and erotic nature, etc.

“By reading and signing this addendum, a volunteer irrevocably acknowledges that he/she is voluntarily giving his/her unconditional acceptance of such activities, and discharges the leader and the foundation, and anyone else not specifically mentioned here, but directly or indirectly involved in the organisation, from any liability, direct or indirect, arising from such activities.’’

Wow. Therefore, on what grounds have some of the followers been pleading innocence? Is it because they are not supposed to disclose details? Was there any provision of a possible civil or criminal case? Had they been informed about such a possibility? Obviously not.

Since the swami made his intentions clear, he was not using those people; they agreed to become a party to this learning. It really amounts to raiding a whore house and arresting the clients who are aware of what they are going for.

Aside from this, questions can be asked as to how this was kept hush-hush for so long. We have had a few celebrities saying how they attended his lectures and do not know anything beyond this. If the clause is so exhaustive, then it is unlikely they were ignorant.

The crucial point is: were any of the devotees used inappropriately? Were they conscious that they were being taped? Was this part of the learning process? If not, then did the swami arrange for it so that he could later blackmail them? That being the case, there is a strong argument to be made against him for misleading and cheating and wrongly binding them with this document. He could be tried for virtually making them into slaves. Will this qualify as bonded labour?

But, if they had an idea of what was going on, if they had watched the tapes together during the ‘cooling down’ sessions, then they are equally culpable.

Did the cops not get a whiff of this before? Did some disgruntled devotee squeal? Are such institutes permitted to be registered as ashrams and are their activities monitored? Has the money been accounted for? If it operates along the lines of NGOs, are the devotees exempt from tax if they made donations?

I have this deadpan tone as I type, but I find it both amusing and extremely fascinating that something like this could take place with this level of professionalism. I think we need people like this in our government organisation. With it will come whistle-blowers. All transparent.

Subtraction Addiction

When Sting talked about legalisation of drugs, the poor guy had to sound like a nice guy. So he said that the money the US spends on reforming drug users and imprisoning them could be better used to tackle poverty and global warming.

I think he was high when he said that. Poverty and Global Warming are huge industries with several NGOs fighting over the spoils of being part of these movements. Drug users are jailed at random and usually when it is coupled with some petty crime. The government ought to realise that isolated cases cannot stop such consumption. One rarely hears about groups being imprisoned, when the fact is that it is often a social activity.

One is not promoting any such thing, but how many alcoholics are imprisoned or those who indulge in sexual exploitation within a closed circle?

We won’t get into a detailed study of hard versus soft drugs but many cults derive a certain identity due to some form of Ecstacy. In India sadhus (godmen) are often seen with hash and flower power had a lot to do with mind-altering substances.


Those who get into drug overdose that debilitates them or causes death are not arrested. Many of them are celebrities. They do not need legal sanction for anything. What about the poor? In Mumbai one sees them under railways bridges rolling joints. They are abused by the cops as well. Do remand homes and prisons change them?

The culture of rehab is truly about affordability. People with money enter fancy rehab centres, come out feeling good, give interviews to ‘Hello’ and ‘People’, and start snorting again.

A related, although not the same, topic is about sex addiction. It is only in the past few years one has been hearing about it. What is it? That a person has a huge propensity towards making out? Or is the problem that a person wants to make out with several people? That would be promiscuity. An addict wants to have one thing and does not seek variety. In fact, the very idea behind addiction is a kind of uni-dimensional obsession.

Michael Douglas, a known sex addict, said that he had cooled off now. Catherine Zeta Jones should sue him. How convenient it is for him as senior citizen to talk about taming the libido irrespective of whether his wife – 22 years younger – likes it or not. Same goes for Victoria Beckham. A report says she asks husband David Beckham for sex five times a day, and of course it is because she wants a daughter. (Bring on the halo.) She keeps a chart for good ovulation timings and stuff. Isn’t David the guy who couldn’t resist nannies? Then why are reports going all concerned about his exhaustion?

We won’t even get into Tiger Woods territory. It is bizarre that the media spoke about his return more as a prick rather than a golfer.

- - -

Image courtesy

A Tissue for Sale

We read about the prized virgins in backward countries and are offended. We read about hymenoplasty and are offended. How about ‘priced’ virgins?

A 19-year-old in New Zealand auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 for tuition money. She used the pseudonym ‘Unigirl’. Her ad said:

“I am offering my virginity by tender to the highest bidder as long as all personal safety aspects are observed. This is my decision made with full awareness of the circumstances and possible consequences.”

Over 30,000 people had viewed her ad and more than 1,200 had made bids before she accepted an offer of more than $32,000. All this she managed without posting a photograph or details that were verifiable.

What does it tell us? That those who bid were doing it to help her get a good education? That they were excited by the possibility of a blind date they would be paying for? Is it that they valued the virginity since they can get sex from anywhere? Why would anyone take the trouble?

Even if they are not certain, those who took part in the auction must have felt powerful. There is a culture of ‘deflowering’ that makes men believe they are the first to conquer.

That is the reason we have these surgeries to repair ruptured hymens. While it is known to happen in non-western countries, the idea of virginity – and the nubile young girl – is indeed the stuff of fantasies as well as creative works.

Without morally judging the seller or the buyer here, it is disturbing that the girl could not borrow this amount from parents or friends. She is obviously smart enough to know about safety aspects. How would she ensure that? Can she, a ‘bought item’, demand a medical test? Is it only her virginity at stake as a one-time act or will she get trapped into giving more of herself?

Is she certain that the amount will be given to her, and if so her real identity may be out since the transaction is unlikely to be in cash?

I am afraid I don’t think much of such education that forces people – men and women – to objectify themselves or rather a part of themselves. They become reduced to just what they are selling. Some may think it is empowering because 'Unigirl' chose to do what she did. A system or society that makes people use these measures only transforms them into manipulated dolls who begin to wallow in the very concept of manipulation.

She will know how much she costs but not how much she is really worth as a person. And that is the benchmark she might well start using to gauge others. It is a loss, anyway we see it.

When the swine get you swooning

Can you imagine Indian President Pratibha Patil saying that tur daal is good for mating or Asif Ali Zardari voicing his approval for magaz (brain) masala as aphrodisiac?

The Argentinean president has no such qualms. She is all for bacon in bed. Cristina Fernandez was speaking to what reports refer to as the “swine industry” representatives. So charged up is she over how pigs set the hormones aflame and the adrenaline to rush that she has even offered subsidies.

The climactic moment with hubby...when she became the first woman president

Her testimonial goes something like this:

“I didn’t know that eating pork improved sexual activity. It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra.”

Now she knows through some pig-sty activity with her hubby, the former Prez, Nestor Kirchner. I think there is some feminist type lesson here. Men take Viagra. Therefore, it is men who will eat grilled pork. (I am assuming baked, fried, sautéed or raw are not as effective, or perhaps it is only a matter of taste.) Does the onus fall on men to not only perform in bed but also in the kitchen? If not, then does the woman cook it? Does she too partake of it? Having had their fill, both at the table and on it, is it possible that the male, being handicapped due to physical reasons, peaks less and the woman needs to channelise it elsewhere and finally does reach the top? Maybe even becomes president?

Just thinking aloud.

Argentina is traditionally a beef-eating nation and there are already discussions about how cows will be put to pasture and sheep will be left to graze, contributing precious little to the citizens’ culinary and carnal appetite.

The pork guys are happy. Said one of them:

“In Osaka, Japan, there is a village in which the people who reached 105 years old and ate a lot of pork had a lot of sexual activity.”

If the village is an example, it could mean that pork, like all red meat, adds loads of calories. But before the calories can make a home in the body, they are quickly burned off by sexual activity. Since people are kept busy and after a certain age do not have to worry about procreating, they enjoy themselves. There is less stress, more desire to live, so they live longer.

Can this module be replicated in other parts of the world? I mean, man on Wall Street downs a super large pork burger, calls up his partner at the university where she teaches who is slicing into a neat chunk of ham; they meet for a quickie, go back to stressful work, return late, down burger/chunk/whatever, try out some stunts, dream about the market crunch and academic crap. They are stressed as hell and will soon give up. On each other. Or, on the pork.

Sexy swines

It doesn’t quite work like Osaka. But it’s a nice thought that pigs may not fly, but could help humans to do so.

One more thing: Jews may be super rich and super smart and Islam may be the fastest-growing religion, but, sowy, being kosher will not get them far.

PS: Are the Viagra manufacturers going to announce a fatwa and place a price on the presidential head?

Exhibiting Sex?

I thought we'd finally realised the importance of erotica when I read about the proposed sex museum in Mumbai.

Turns out that it will educate people about sex and sexually transmitted diseases; more importantly, about HIV and AIDS as it will have a "walk -through" to explain the new developments in the field

Some points:

* Would this qualify as a museum, since it serves no historical or aesthetic purpose? There are science museums but larger programmes being deliberated upon in them.

* Did the BMC manage to get space only in the Leprosy Hospital? This immediately puts sexuality and its resultant ailments in the category of real illnesses. I am not shunning leprosy, which needs to fight another battle for understanding. But, how are the two connected?

* What is the purpose of talking about such a museum as an attraction? Will tourists visit it to learn about the exotic Indian version of sexual diseases? Will young people truly benefit from such knowledge? Is some government organisation going to decide and will it, therefore, suffer from prudish ideas and red-tapism?

When we should be outsourcing, we don't. It would be ideal to get a business house to put up works of art, slide shows, history of sexual mores from the past to contemporary times. There could be a section on commercial sex work too since we encounter it in the street as also in cinema. It is time to face reality head-on.

It need not be salacious. This teachy preachy attitude does put people off.

The reason I mentioned private ownership is because they will display it well and there is little fear of exploitation because they are as afraid of sex mucking up their reputation. Imagine being pulled up for a sexually-loaded misintepretation!

The governmnent will anyway have the power to revoke the license.

Just let us get over this sex as education. If that is the intention, the BMC can put one of those guys selling oils and herbs to educate people about how to get rid of 'patlapan' and other weaknesses. Or they could have an astro parrot picking out cards to read out the fate of sinners.

Heck, I am making this sound interesting. No. A sex museum has got to celebrate sexuality and not make it into a malady or make a mockery of a malady that arises only partially due to sexual contact.

Show us the stuff we are made of.