Ask the vexpert - 1

I do glance at the columns about emotional and sexual problems. Sometimes they are a hoot. Here is one example, the 'sexpert' answer and mine, the vexpert...

Whenever I dream about sex my underwear gets wet with sperm. Is there any chance of shortage of sperm in my future?

Sexpert: No. In fact you will have to control their activity to ensure they do not create unwanted babies.

Me: First, I would like to tell you that when you are dreaming you should stop wearing undergarments. Sperms are attracted to them, especially since in India even male ones have names like Roopa etc. It is entirely possible that it might result in pregnancy of the said garment. If you take the precautionary step of not wearing it, then the sperm might fall. Usually fallen sperm do not survive if they are falling from a height. Since I do not know how tall you are, I am assuming there will be some height to take into account. These dead sperm should then be given a decent funeral, depending on your cultural or religious customs.

Regarding your query about future shortage, I suggest you store these before the fall. It might be a bit of a long drawn-out operation but you do not want to stand in the ration line later in life, do you?

Of course, we are again assuming that there are considerable numbers of potent sperms in whatever is being ejected. Since there is no way of returning them to their rightful place, you might want to freeze them. They might produce hardened generations of leaders who could probably withstand extreme climates on the Siachen Border, which will still be under dispute, or take the cold vibes produced by the socio-political-economic environment.

At the end, I can only ask you to stop dreaming about sex. Maybe if you think about the sensex your ardour will dip.