Ask the vexpert - 1

I do glance at the columns about emotional and sexual problems. Sometimes they are a hoot. Here is one example, the 'sexpert' answer and mine, the vexpert...

Whenever I dream about sex my underwear gets wet with sperm. Is there any chance of shortage of sperm in my future?

Sexpert: No. In fact you will have to control their activity to ensure they do not create unwanted babies.

Me: First, I would like to tell you that when you are dreaming you should stop wearing undergarments. Sperms are attracted to them, especially since in India even male ones have names like Roopa etc. It is entirely possible that it might result in pregnancy of the said garment. If you take the precautionary step of not wearing it, then the sperm might fall. Usually fallen sperm do not survive if they are falling from a height. Since I do not know how tall you are, I am assuming there will be some height to take into account. These dead sperm should then be given a decent funeral, depending on your cultural or religious customs.

Regarding your query about future shortage, I suggest you store these before the fall. It might be a bit of a long drawn-out operation but you do not want to stand in the ration line later in life, do you?

Of course, we are again assuming that there are considerable numbers of potent sperms in whatever is being ejected. Since there is no way of returning them to their rightful place, you might want to freeze them. They might produce hardened generations of leaders who could probably withstand extreme climates on the Siachen Border, which will still be under dispute, or take the cold vibes produced by the socio-political-economic environment.

At the end, I can only ask you to stop dreaming about sex. Maybe if you think about the sensex your ardour will dip.


  1. FV:

    Sensex = Sense (ex)
    Sensex = (Sense) sex!

    Only someone as deep rooted in market, shares and money as you possibly are, can solve this conundrum ;)

    BTW, can anyone really ask such a profound question or is it what an imaginative subeditor is paid for?

  2. First, it’s not dreaming about sex alone that causes your undergarment to get wet. Whereas mind may be the largest sex organ (the only limit here is on imagination and not the size of your hat), but mind alone cannot bring about the wetness between the folds of your jammies - for that refer to the mental gratification section of this column (provided you don’t experience post-gratification guilt (if you do, our vexpert knows how to rid you of the guilt). What you experience is referred to in the psycho babble as the “mind-body duality”. Being that I am not privy to your biological age, but from the tone and language (not to mention the nature of) the question, I’d venture to guess that you are in prime years, which in your particular case translates into “less mind-more body problem”. Since you do not have much of a mind at this juncture of your biological development, the likelihood that you will benefit from mind control is about one sperm in a million – which you have plenty of.

    The bottom line is to let your body do what’s it’s designed to do and let Mother Nature do her job for mother does indeed know best. As for the shortage, make all the wet you want there is plenty where the last load came from, as long as your mother doesn’t mind washing the soiled undergarments.

    Keep chuggin'

  3. Hilarious....

    Farzana... you are too cool when it comes to such things.

  4. PS:

    How about Sent-sex?

    Re. the query, I have been an 'agony aunt', and one does get strange questions, although sometimes subs do get into the act, so to speak.
    Doctor Jerkyll:

    Am sure you know a lot about these things, but would have helped if we left mothers out of this. Am sure you are aware that even an adolescent has this much sense that he would not let his soiled garments be open to maternal scrutiny.

    And you don't seem to know the 'vexpert' well enough; she doesn't help take away guilt.

    Cool? Blame it on the weather...

  5. The 'vexpert' must be a Jungian - a Freudian will never leave mother out.

  6. Who knows ... some of those fallen sperms would have been a Doctor, an Engineer, an Environmentalist .... and so forth ...

    I'm glad I was saved anyway :)

  7. WMW:

    It could also have been a 'sexpert'...

    Glad you have a positive outlook towards your own history and see it as being 'saved' :-)(You can afford some more arrogance...)


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