Ask the vexpert - 2

I am a 24-year-old woman. My boyfriend and I are planning to have intercourse. We aren’t going to marry each other though, because of religious differences. Are there any chances that my future husband can come to know of my sexual past?

Sexpert: Once your hymen is ruptured after intercourse, the future husband has reason to doubt you if he wishes. About safety, there is no safe day without a condom. The days during which conception is likely to occur are from the 10th day till the 15th day counting from the first day of the period.

Me: It sounds like a plan! I am glad you have realised that the below the waist area has no religion, but take care not to involve any body parts that might have any affiliation to some faith. If your future husband belongs to the same religion, and is religious, then put the fear of god in him by saying “Oh god, oh god” several times. It will work by boosting his ego and confirming your devout nature.

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I got married a few months ago and was having a healthy sexual relation with my wife. However, after moving to US a month ago, I am not getting an erection. I have tried oral sex but nothing has happened. I have the desire for sex but no proper erection. What can I do to remedy this?

Sexpert: Have your blood sugar (diabetes) checked. If it is normal, identify tensions, etc., that can temporarily lead to the problem. Take a few days off and relax. If you don't feel better see a sexologist.

Me: Get yourself a good lawyer. You are well within your rights to sue the US government. However, considering your wife does not have erection problems, her having no such function to perform, your case could be weakened. You will need to ask her to fake a problem or pretend to have a penis. Regarding oral activity, I suggest you start campaigning for one of the candidates; you could also try dressing up as a Somali war chief. The best remedy though is to leave America and move to China. As you know their population is not the result of immaculate conception. It is very likely that following the herd mentality you will succeed, for they have‘elections’ lound the clock.