Ask the vexpert - 8

Question: I am 45 years old. Is spirituality connected with sexuality? I accept sex as something that's spiritual but then why does society seem to hate sex?

Sexpert: Every male has a sex pleasure centre in the brain which is meant to stimulate the body to have sex so that fertilisation takes place and the human race flourishes. Few if any, do not like sex. Traditions and customs often disturb their pleasures.

Me: Spirituality is most definitely connected with sexuality which is the reason all the sex symbols are heavily into religion, whether it is the Jewish Kabbalah, or Christianity or visiting temples and mosques. Those who are a little iffy about their sexuality choose Scientology because that is iffy about religion.

Places of worship are the best grounds for preparing yourself, what with the movement of several muscles during prayers. This makes the limbs supple. It also takes away the guilt that is associated with sex. It is like getting an A-Okay from god.

Society does not hate sex; it resents it that people are enjoying themselves. You are one smart cookie that you have already seen it as spiritual; this will make you a fellow with a halo.

What after halo? Ensure that it isn’t a case of the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Then just do your thing, levitate if you can manage to rise that high, and keep it between the sheets.

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Question: I am a 22-year-old man and have a wheatish complexion. I lead a healthy life but have a problem. My penis is black. What could be the reason? Will it affect me in any way? Any suggestions to cure this?

Sexpert: As long as it carries out its functions efficiently and satisfies your partner it doesn’t matter whether your penis is purple, green or any other colour. Why worry about trivial issues? FYI, it is darker in colour because that area has more pigments as compared to other parts of the body.

Me: This is a psychological trauma. Perhaps, while watching some heart-wrenching news item on race discrimination your organ was accidentally exposed to the sight. It seems like an overly sensitive guy and it is entirely possible that empathy has made it take on the colour; since it is said that the penis has a mind of its own, it is likely that it is testing your attitude towards racism that is prevalent in India but never talked about. I am concerned as you have specifically demarcated an important part of your body from the rest of you and are in fact looking for a cure. The issue is not only about performance. Did the thought of using fairness creams occur to you? Are you aware that this could lead to a backlash from environmentalists, sociologists and liberals? What if your partner is a feminist? She will be deeply reviled by this discrimination on your part.

On the other hand, if she is a racist, then you will have to handle the situation tactfully. Make sure that she notices the rest of your complexion at all times while being aware of the ‘black’ one. It would indeed be a good idea if you did not permit her to see that at all. Or keep the lights switched off.

Also keep gifting her dark chocolate.