Ask the vexpert - 10

Question: I am 20 years old. I have a strange interest. I get an erection whenever I see a colourful balloon and get an urge to masturbate on its surface. I feel likewise with any other product that's inflatable. I haven't tried masturbating on balloons as they can't bear my weight and pop instantly. However, I have wasted almost 50 vinyl balls while trying to masturbate like this. Such a sexual liking is termed as 'balloon fetish' or 'inflatable fetish'. Is this normal? Will I be able to indulge in normal intercourse with my partner? Would I need to reveal my balloon fetish to her?

Sexpert: An interesting fetish, I would say. With the current inflation, either you will have to balance your budget while purchasing vinyl balls or cut down on masturbation to reduce the cost. No idea whether you will be able to have 'normal' intercourse. You might have to get her to pop the balloons. So, you better tell her of your pleasure technique (she might have some of her own).

Me: Your fetish has to be examined closely. You have not specified what shapes excite you. If it is round ones then you are looking for a stable world (and not Thomas Friedman); if they are oblong then you are eggy and upwardly mobile; cylindrical shaped ones convey a strong belief in your own sexuality or penis envy (yes, men can suffer from it too); if you go for heart-shaped ones then you are the kind who will say, “It is love, not lust” everytime you get that throbbing sensation. Then there are those helium ones that one releases in the sky. If you are obsessed with them, then clearly you do not want any strings attached and your sexual interest in things is temporary. You are also all gas and tend to brag.

Forget vinyl balls. Try Swiss exercise balls that are designed for strength and resistance training. You will get your job done as well as be able to determine your potential.

Reveal your balloon fetish to your partner only after you have gauged her attitude towards balloons. Why don’t you try one of those extra large colourful prophylactics, blow it up, wear it and get ready for the party? Even if she finds it weird, women are so mushy that if you tell her you are celebrating the first day when you sat under a tap, or grazed your knees, she will have tears of joy in her eyes. As a return gesture do ask her, “What do you do with balloons?”

And be prepared to hear the word ‘prick’.

1 comment:

  1. Scientifically referred to as “Mypalophilia”, yours is benign compared to the myriad of philium thus far identified in literature, details are best left for the vexpert to fixate upon. This is not meant to burst your bubble, but seems like the laws of physics aren’t exactly cooperating, that or you aren’t exactly a featherweight. I will refer you to Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica, Volume 1 Chapter XVII where Sir Isaac explains equilibrium of world systems. Whereas the spherical geometry is an equilibrium state, unfortunately for you, it also happens to be quite unstable. I would recommend other geometries that have a hole in the middle, generically referred to as “tori” (doughnut-like objects if you will); the shape may become distorted, but the hole is always preserved. Sir Isaac refers to such world systems as “robust against external stimuli” Andronov and Witt call them “rough” or “coarse systems”. But not to worry, nothing a good slab of ghee can’t fix.

    Note to the resident expert:
    Reference to Tom Friedman is noteworthy. It is obvious that Friedman has had similar issue with the circular geometry. Clearly, “Mypalophilia” is not as rare as Friedman would have us believe. In his particularly case, however, collapse of the sphere resulted in flatness, not once, mind you but twice –circumferential nature of his arguments notwithstanding. “Mypalophilia” can indeed take its toll, particularly if undiagnosed as is the case with Friedman.


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