Mera gaon, mera desh: Starring Ajmal Kasab

Isn’t it strange that when the media reports about a “healthy and confident, showing no signs of remorse for his heinous act” convict, their own reportage shows no remorse? They are not bothered about asking the right questions.

The most ludicrous bits of appeals I have been reading are from Asif Ali Zardari asking the UK and US to help him curb terrorism; today was funnier. One headline mentioned India asking Pakistan to help it control terrorism. Make up your minds. Chor ko kotwal banana hai tau phir ussey chor mat kaho. (If you wish the thief to police the robbery, then do not call him a thief.)

Now the media is, of course, thrilled to bits about getting “a rare glimpse of Ajmal Kasab” at a video conferencing of his trial.

I am more amused by what he said rather than his healthy and confident attitude.

Here is the transcript reproduced by the TOI:

Judge (J): Naam?
Kasab (K): Mohammad Ajmal Mohammad Amir Kasab (holding the mike on the table next to him). Jailer Swati Sathe gestures to him that he should put down the microphone.
J: Kahan se ho?
K:Pakistan...country (smiling).
J: Kahan se?
K: Punjab muluk.
J: Gaon?
K: Faridkot.
J: Chargesheet mili?
K: Ji sir.
J: Koi vakil hai?
K: Filhal to nahin.
J: Aapko chahiye kya?
K: Jo pehli tarikh mein mere naam pe khada tha woh chalega.
J: Samajh main aa raha hai (referring to the proceedings)?
K: Yes (in English).
J: (Smiling) Tumhein malum hai main kaun hoon?
K: I don’t (in English).
J: Main judge hoon. Main hi tumhara case chalaoonga.
K: (Smiles widely, folds both hands) Namaste, Sir.
J: Namaskar. Kaun vakil hai?
K: (Folding hands) Pehle chaubees ko khade hue the? (Judge looks at Nikam. Nikam says in Marathi ‘Koni navta (No one appeared for him).’
J: Aapka koi vakil nahin tha pehli peshi main. Case ke liye vakil chahiye?
K: Vakil ki jaroorat hai. Aage jo aap behetar samjhe.
J: Koi vakil hai?
K: Abhi tak to nahin.
J: Aapke kharche par vakil kar sakte hai?
K: (Looks away for a while and then looks straight at judge) Ji nahin.
J: Sarkar ke kharche par aapko vakil denge. Manjoor hai?
K: Ji sir.
J: Aage jo hai who aapko Mrs Swati Sathe bataengi.
K: Bilkul theek.
J: Abhi aap jayiye.
K: Thank you, sir.

- - -

Oye, tussi great ho…where is the Punjabi lingo, puttar? I must say yaar ke apun ka Mumbai mein jo rahela woh sab kuchch bhool jaata…saala “muluk” bola? Aur jaisa beech mein bhai log angreji thoka waise yes, no, thank you, sir daala…aur kya baat hai, Namaste bhi bola. Baaki kya hai? Usko approver banao, citizenship do, aur election campaigning ka kaam mein laga daalo. Usko Daddy (Arun Gawli, the local goon-don turned politician) ka wing ke neeche rakh do aur woh phat se sab rassi seekh lega…

Sab ko maalum hai ye phadda chal rahela hai, log ka aankh mein dhool feko aur taim pass karo court mein. Iska video conferencing ka kya jaroorat tha? Khali-peeli Mumbai vaasi ko bataaneka ke kaam chaaloo hai. Woh security dikhata Arthur Road jail ka, aajoo-baajoo ka log ko kitna problem hota…sab ka vaat laganeka eik aadmi ka waaste? Aur kya karela donon muluk? Letter bhejne ka, sawaal-jawaab karneka, kitna paper ka wasting hota…phir bolega green bano. Ab green banega tau bolega jihadi hai…Sab yedda hai.

Apun ka suno aur seedha Kasab ko bolo, “Maar diya jaaye, ya chhod diya jaaye, bol tere saath kya suluk kiya jaaye…”

Woh itna kantaal gayela hai ke khud ko ich phaansi ka phanda pehena lega…Faridkot mein uska statue laga lega uska gaaon ka log.

Phir udhar ka do aadmi mein aisa dialogue hoga:

“Kasab kaun tha, hain ji?”

“Pataa nahin, koi changa munda honga…”

“Assi yaad aaya…woh Taj waala Shah Jehan to nahin?”

“Na ji na, woh tau sar ki pagdee vich fah-dar laganda hor gulaab da phool soongda.”

“Chalo ji, ki gal nahin…koi chhota-mota tryst haiga.”

“Ajee, woh toh Jwaar tha…”

“Kya yaad dilayaa…jwaar di roti kinne dinan hue khaandi nahin…”

“Jwaar Lal Nehru, tryst with dust-nee speech-sheech.”

“Main tau AK-47 noon tryst di gal karanda…”

“Oho, Taj waalan di gal hi hor thi…Faridkot da naseeb itta vadaa thodi na, koi chhota mota tryst honda, toh station vich bhej diya.”

“Chalo, khajoor da naam toh roshan kainda na?’

“Haan ji, tussi great ho, Kasab se…”