Humanising the Inhuman: Of ISIS and a Rapist

After the news, what we look for is the people who make the news or are affected by it. Human interest stories have always been attractive to the readers as well as to those who have a stake in the news. The latter because they know that although facts cannot be fudged opinions certainly can be. There is also a strong need to dispute the prevailing discourse on the 'newsy'.

Satire is a handy and potent tool to make a point. However, is all satire successful in doing what it is supposed to — expose clay feet and demonise the devils?

Comics and cartoons in response to the ISIS in the Middle East media are now seen as a weapon against the terror group. One can understand the need for such a release of frustration and anger. But do they really manage to reach home?

Let us take a few examples.

The Looney Tunes-style cartoon depicts a hapless young ISIS militant struggling to carry out simple tasks; first dropping a rocket launcher on to the foot of his commander before accidentally shooting him when he holds his weapon the wrong way round while firing towards an Iraq military checkpoint.

This works as nervous laughter for the audience, but the reality is not about fumbling. The mistaken killing of the commander, in fact, consolidates the martyrdom that is so desired.

They mock the jihadists' radical ideas and portrays the group as obsessed with a literal interpretation of 7th Century Islam that makes their lives needlessly difficult. One producer said, "These people are not a true representation of Islam and so by mocking them. It is a way to show we are against them."

A group such as the ISIS is not dependent on what people think, but how it can market its own ideology. Nobody knows what really happened in the 7th century. If people want to oppose the ISIS, then they must do so for reasons of their social and political terrorism. They are using modern technology, so mocking them about the past sounds disingenuous. Besides, there is a problem when a people feel desperate about distancing themselves for what they get associated with by default from societies that are prejudiced against them. It only serves to highlight a moral dilemma that isn't even there.

Even the sickening videos of mass shootings conducted by ISIS have become comedic fodder. Palestinian television channel al-Falastiniya aired a skit showing militants shooting Muslim civilians for their lack of piety, while simultaneously reminiscing about partying and meeting beautiful women while training.

I find this particularly disgusting. In trying to draw attention to the hypocrisy, it only conforms to a stereotype that the ISIS and other fanatic elements might find enchanting. It conveys that the rewards are a result of the killings. What sense does it make when such vile characters exist only for such fruits of labour? Also, rather unfortunately, the subliminal message is that lack of extreme piety deserves an extreme punishment. The victims are as much grist for the satire mill here as the predators.

When a Jordanian Christian approaches, the two militants begin fighting each other over who gets to shoot him - each wanting the 'blessing' for himself. Terrified, the man suffers a fatal heart attack, leaving the militants devastated.

What do you learn from this? That a person marked has to die. Anyway.

Of course, all is not bleak. This skit by the 'Ktir Salbe Show' hits the right spot. Even though it falls in the disingenuous trap about the past, it manages to make a potential victim proactive and in charge:

A taxi driver picks up a jihadi who rejects listening to radio because it didn't exist in the earliest days of Islam.

The driver offers to turn on the air conditioning, but that too is rejected. The jihadist then criticizes the put-upon driver for answering his mobile phone.

Fed up, the driver finally asks: 'Were there taxi cabs in the earliest days?'.

'No, 1,000 times no!' the passenger answers. The driver responds by kicking the jihadist out of his car and telling him to wait for a passing camel instead.

* * *

The other sort of behind the news stories are all about humanising, including the villains. This is appealing because it is about penance and reformation. We like to judge and to forgive.

When I read this article on the young man who was one of the rapists in the Delhi gangrape I was confused. Several criminals serve sentences or are sent to correctional facilities (as this one is), but nobody wants to trace their progress. This man's story is bound to be humanised because he is a crucial part of the bigger story that was on primetime for months. That one was milked and through him will continue to be milked.

As a juvenile — and whether we like it or not, he was tried as one — he is serving time in a reform centre. The job of such a place is to rehabilitate him. One can understand the anger against him, but every day people are let off by the courts, if at all they are reported, for similar crimes. We remain silent, if not unaware. Besides, even those who get sentenced for a few years will ultimately be out and one does not know whether a jail term has given them a lesson that would have changed them.

The media is always looking for angles and twists not to make people aware, but to tug at them. By telling us that a criminal is having it better after arrest we are fed what we already know. I also found the piece disorienting for reasons other than humanising. It makes our correctional facilities sound like Doon School prototypes or something out of a Karan Johar film. And the guy who knew no English has titled his painting "The Princess".

Something else bothered me:

There is “no trace of anger” in him, says psychologist Shuchi Goel, who works with him and has conducted an art-based therapy session. “He is certainly putting an extra effort to become acceptable to others,” she said. “He takes a lot of pride in his paintings.”

Without an explanation to back the statement, what exactly does lack of anger in him mean? Who should he be angry with — his victim, his accomplices who are sentenced to death, or himself?

For those of us who believe that justice should not be a hammer but a chisel, this sort of pop analysis defeats the purpose by pandering to the gallery version of the humane.

© Farzana Versey

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Images: Daily Mail, Washington Post

Modi: The Jungle King and the Rhino

Modi reads from The Satanic Verses

...and the Anna-fication of a literature festival

Narendra Modi realised that all his efforts for the Sadbhavna mission fast were not going as great as expected. He had planned it meticulously, but he chose the wrong venue. Godhra. Wrong timing: a month before 10th anniversary of the train burning. No mention of the riots. He wants Muslims to forget that. He wants to mend fences. Nice guy.

This was about peace and harmony. 1600 cops and 5 specially-trained Chetak commandos and unarmed jawans guarding the place. Peace? Peace is based on trust, and he says that there have been no riots. So, what is he afraid of? I get it. He is afraid of Salman Rushdie. What if that bloke who is not permitted to visit the Jaipur Literature Festival decides to land in Gujarat? After all, Narendra bhai has been promoting it as the wonderful Disneyland where you may scream in terror as long as you can afford the rides. Modi likes Rushdie. He does not know why, but maybe it’s the old if A=B and B=C, then A=C.

Yet, for all his liking, he did not want to spoil the Jumma party. He waited and waited for some real Muslims to pay their respects. Finally, he just gave up. Peace can go take a long walk. He asked his men to get a copy of The Satanic Verses. He was going to protest against these Muslims. Those Deoband guys who did not treat his progressive Gujarati fellow nicely when he was made Vice Chancellor and that SIMI is really awful going after poor Salman. No one cares for freedom of expression.

“But, saab,” said his favourite police officer who was transferred for giving signals for an encounter killing, but had now undergone cosmetic surgery and was back at duty, “We took down posters, we threw out artists…”

“Bhai, jo, that is different. We are the establishment. Establishment has right to protect minorities.”

“Er…we are the majority.”

“That’s okay. I am not counting. We must feel like the minority.”

“So, what to do now, sir?”

“Bring me that book. I have many copies in that underground place where I keep all those files about 2002.”

“The book is banned in India.”

“We are not India. I mean, Gujarat has 5 crore people, so we are India within India.”

“This could cause communal enmity, saab.”

Modi guffaws. “This is the land of communal enmity. If you add tadka to cooking oil it will splutter but you get good food. Go, get me a copy. Cover it with green cloth.”

The man leaves hurriedly. A few mullahs come and shake hands with Modi. He says, “You are late.”

“We went to buy you a special edition of the Quran to promote this wonderful multicultural system you started.”

“Time is over for peace.”

“You are insulting Islam by not accepting a copy. Last time you did not accept skull cap.”

“You people’s sentiments get hurt all the time. But you cannot reach on time. I had arranged for your bath here.”

“Kya?”

“For your namaaz, I made arrangements for you.”

“Wazoo…it is called wazoo.”

“Don’t try and convert me.”

“We are only informing you.”

“Why you did not inform me about Godhra train?”

There is silence.

“Okay,” Modi continued. “If you want harmony, go and sit quietly.”

His officer brings him a copy of the Rushdie book.

The mullahs smile when they see the green cover. “Subhan Allah! You are our supreme leader. We knew you had a surprise for us. We will pass a fatwa against anyone who does not vote for you.”

Modi whispers in his officer’s ear, “How did they know I am trying to conduct a counter election campaign to get some mileage because everyone is talking about UP?”

“The Deoband must have informed them.”

“This is same group that does not want Rushdie, na? Now see how papers will be full of Gujarat.”

He opens the book and starts reading. The group says, “Wah, wah” in unison.

Modi is confused. “You know what I am reading?”

“Ji haan. You have a sense of humour. You are reading Gulliver’s Travels.”

“What is that?”

“In the madrassa some boys have copies, they told us about how he lands in place where tiny people are and they tie him up.”

“So, why are you smiling? Now where is your Islam? It does not get insulted if book is covered in green?”

“The grass is also green and we walk on it, Khomeini saab.”

“I am not Khomeini,” Modi says disgustedly.

“Uff, mistake. Please continue reading, we are your prajaa, the little people.”

The CM shifts uncomfortably. The thought that he would be tied up by these little people worries him.

“How did these illiterates start reading books?” he asks his assistant.

“Because of Rushdie.”

“Does it mean if I read this book, I will become Muslim?”

“Saab, anything is possible. But don’t say this loudly. They will call it Islamophobia.”

“Take this away.” He returns the copy of The Satanic Verses. “Bring me some other book. These Muslims like stories. Even for peace mission, they want stories. It is always about god.”

The officer gets an idea. “I will get The God of Small Things.”

Modi shakes his head. “What things? These minorities will start thinking their god is the best again.”

“This is not about god.” The officer mentions the writer’s name.

“Arre, the same one who went jogging with comrades in Cuba?”

“Not jogging, only walking. Not Cuba, in India with Maoists.”

“Then send copy to Chidambaram.”

“What do get for you now?”

“Aladdin and the Magic Lamp. Muslims like fairytales. They think by rubbing a lamp, a genie will appear. They forget this is idol worship.”

“I cannot get it, sir.”

“Why? Is it banned?”

“No, your copy has disappeared.”

“How?”

“Sanjiv Bhat took it as evidence that you were plotting against minorities.”

“What happens to my freedom of expression?” This time he asks aloud.

The audience looks wide-eyed.

“Say something.”

“We thought you are reading from the book.”

“No. I want to know. Why can I not express myself however I want?”

The crowd starts to leave. He calls out to them.

A small voice says, “How can ashes answer what freedom the fire must have?”

- - -

Reports say that today, the opening day of the Jaipur Literature Festival, some writers read out excerpts from The Satanic Verses, since Salman Rushdie is not allowed. This personality cult is seen as protest.

Was Rushdie going to read out from the book? A bunch of huddled up elites in their cocoon thinks this is freedom of expression. Would they have permitted Modi to read, had he written a book? Who are they catering to? A small group, and that includes the media, that knows precious little about such expression, that muzzles dissenting voices, that sells its space without ethics for ad revenue, that pushes political agendas, that also pushes religious ideas; this applies to publications in regional languages as well. It is, however, the English-language media that plays god. We have discussed this already in Salman's Atheist Shrine.

These interests sponsor the JLF and grabbing eyeballs is part of the strategy of making it commercially viable. If they have some enthusiastic pseudo martyrs, they will benefit. Incidentally, Taslima Nasreen and Arundhati Roy, both ‘victims’, have not been vocal about this. Taslima had a fight with Rushdie about Twitter followers and his misogyny. Roy has got to guard her Muslim constituency. Everyone is on their own trip.

This reminds me of Team Anna and the singing-dancing brigade exercising their freedom. Rushdie had attended the previous festivals, so cut it out. If it is so important, then I would like to know why the writers have not sent a petition to the government asking it in clear terms to arrest those who issued threats. Do that. Exercise your freedom, instead of sticking out your tongue.

The festival is already overcrowded. If this were a movie, it would have been all about buttered popcorn.

(c) Farzana Versey
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Similar posts:

Why Modi refused spandex tights

Modi’s fast ‘unto’ death: Gujarat’s shame

Mr. Musharraf, Do You Not Know?

Following the ruckus former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf’s statements to an Indian television channel have caused, mainly about Dawood Ibrahim, I decided to do a follow-up interview.

FV: Welcome, Mr. Musharraf. How does it feel….

PM: I don’t know.

FV: I have not asked a question yet.

PM: Okay, okay.

FV: How does it feel to be accused of trying to grab the limelight again?

PM: What limelight? You asked me for an interview. Who sent you here?

FV: I don’t know. Uh…mmm….I mean, this is my job. I need to know why you don’t know.

PM: I already said in that interview. How am I to know where Dawood Ibrahim is when I am not in Pakistan? Why does India not know? You have his relatives there, he is also looking for a burial place in Mumbai. Why? Is Pakistan only for hiding? Everyone wants to go to Pakistan and hide and then they get buried somewhere else. Osama was in the sea and that also not in Pakistan but Afghanistan. Karzai got so many points only for that. This was an insult to our fishermen.”

FV: But it was a Pakistani magazine that exposed Dawood’s hideout in Karachi, and there was talk about his white house.”

PM: How can you see a hideout? The Pakistani media is westernised. They cannot understand local sentiments and want to ape the Americans, so they called it white house. So many bungalows are white. They sit in their ivory towers and don’t know what is grassroots.

FV: This reminds me. No one seems to have caught on to your comment about going in a helicopter to look at the refugee camps to get a feel of the ground reality. I thought that was rather amusing.

PM: I like to poke fun at myself. I do not believe in lying.

FV: Lying is not a belief, Mr. Musharraf. But you agree you mixed up the figures and the riots in India, don’t you?

PM: I don’t know.

FV: Well, you did.

PM: I forget the figures in Pakistan too. This is not about numbers, but emotions.

FV: So you said, and I will quote you here, “They think that he (Dawood) did a very good job... Because Indians killed 3,000 Gujaratis. In Gujarat they killed 3,000 Muslims”. There has been a huge noise from the liberal Pakistanis. They say that most of them don’t feel this way.

PM: Did I give any figure? I just said they think. ‘They’ could mean any number. I told you these liberals don’t know the ground reality.

FV: Maybe because they don’t use helicopters?

PM: Even if they did, they would look at the birds.

FV: Dawood is on the list of most wanted terrorists, even though his work is mostly hawala transactions these days.

PM: For the west, this is more important now. Money.

FV: But Pakistan too depends on US aid.

PM: That is to help them. It is an economic strategy, like you say diwaala nikaalna, they can write off loans and show bankruptcy.

FV: Do you think Dawood qualifies as a terrorist?

PM: I don’t know. But since you Indians go on about him, we can give you Javed Miandad instead.

FV: Why did you say that Imran Khan is the best of the lot in politics today?

PM: I don’t know.

FV: Surely you would. Ah yes, you said he was untested and should be given a chance. Is it about him or about you getting another chance?

PM: Do you think I need another chance? I am wiser now…

FV: So you will stay out?

PM: Not at all. I am wiser, which means I will find better ways to get in.

FV: There was a TV debate later and your former spokesperson Major Gen. Rashid Qureshi was holding the flag for you. Is the Pakistani army like Indian democrats where people in exile or waiting in the wings have someone to keep their seat for them?

PM: Not at all. I am curious about what he said, though. Did he say I was chu….. (Mr. Qureshi gained notoriety for using an Urdu cuss word on Pakistan television)

FV: He suggested you were chu…chewing over several options. He did not say it, but it came across.

PM: Good boy.

FV: Right. The Pakistani army seems like an old boys’ club.

PM: Are you suggesting we are sexist?

FV: No. I don’t suppose women would want to actively be a part of it.

PM: You saw what happened to Gaddafi?

FV: But he was a permanent colonel, more titular than anything else.

PM: The same in Pakistan. We skip ranks, because our main role is politics.

FV: Will General Kayani join politics?

PM: I don’t know

FV: Of course, you do.

PM: Let me put it this way. He does not have to. It is very complicated in Pakistan.

FV: Then why do you wish to return?

PM: Because I can solve so many problems. I can call a jirga anyday.

FV: But that is only in the Pakhtun areas.

PM: Today, it is possible anywhere. Just call a few people and take quick decisions.

FV: That is what the Taliban is doing.

PM: Everyone is. Even the media. Imran Khan too had a jalsa…

FV: That is different…there were thousands of people.

PM: All of them do not take decisions.

FV: You keep talking about enlightened moderation. What exactly does it mean?

PM: I don’t know.

FV: Please try.

PM: Do you have any knowledge of gravity?

FV: A bit.

PM: If Newton had seen that the apple remained on the tree and a grape had fallen, then it would be like enlightened moderation. I will give one more example. You have a bright light in the room; if you use a dimmer and make it moderate, what do you get?

FV: Dim light.

PM: No. Moderate light. That is enlightened moderation.

FV: This is enlightening.

PM: It should always be in moderation, otherwise you become an extremist.

FV: How would you describe yourself in this scheme?

PM: I don’t know.

- - -

(c) Farzana Versey

- - -

Obviously, this is a satire. The real interview can be seen here

Why Modi Refused Spandex Tights

Only crowns will do

My friend from Rajkot, Karsanbhai - "call me Kairi (Kerry), like ole IIM importex peepul are doing" - runs a shoppe selling sale phone eelektrone and all. He is also homosexyual. And very angry.

He wanted his chief minister Narendra Modi to wear spandex tights. "I thot sadbhavna is good occasun to show davelupmeint of gas (gays) kominitee, so I toll SRK, maane Saan Rupes Kapdawala (he is producsun of mix masala meridge), we will olso go and do harmoney. We are leeving sample of davelupmeint, and sucksex of bhavna's sambhavna and sadbhavna. We thot and thot wot to geev. SRK said we will take rainbow flag. I said to him no baba rainbow has not goat saffron. Then we thot peacock feather, fur stall (stole), even letest Perees Heelturn beig to sow glaubalisasun and Perees is olso gas ikaun, na?

But SRK is little scare type. He is poor thing coat between his gasness and his Mussalmanness. He is saying if Narendrabhai says no to purse, then hole world will feel insult just like that maulana is saying Modi is insulting Islam only because he did not wear skull cape. I like SRK and all Muslims basically. But why is cape called skull only becoz it is on skull? Then why cowboy hat is not on top of cowboy?

Muslims are very touching, no, no, not like that. I am saying they are getting hurt for little little thing. Now Islam is big religion, even Dharmendra became Mussalman and Obama is also small part Muslim. How cape will insult Islam? Why they are shouting Allah-hu=Akbar when man who was ruling when 2002 heppened? This is not insult to ordinary Mussalman? I am saying it is non-issue. RSS olso saying same thing. I am not RSS. They are saying dawn pees Muslims, we have to stand for Hindu. I am standing for Hindu, but I can pees Muslims oslo. Bakwas is going on and on, and fasting is over but no one is telling our story. Hole time how to hurt Muslim or pees Muslim. I am with Muslim and loving it, like Mac bhai saying.

SRK swallowed anger, ate ten khakhras and said with brein vhew, "Why not give him spendex tights?" My bhejo went all round. It was gud idea. Simball of gasness and olso harmoney and closeness. So we took nice orange peir, XL for some lajja. We pecked it in khadi beig to sow Gandhian vel-you. Modi's chamchas wonted us to stay out. Place was full of skull capes and bhagwa dhotis. Too much attrecsun, I am telling you. SRK looked hurt, this time not like Muslim type, but gas type. He is too much attach. I must detach. What if Hindu rashtra comes? I toll him note to whurry. I was only looking.

Finally some bhakt from SIT took us inside. Narendrabhai looked weak but had hello round his hade. Later I found it was light bulb. We have packet. He thot it was kurta or something. His food tester opened. I was wondering how food tester is doing this. Bhakt said food tester tests everything becoz test buds are more powerful. Thet is why Modibhai is so orally gud, haan?

But he sow the spendex tight and said, "I do not wear Spandex tights," and ask SRK to give him his shawl. That shawl had all calligraphy is Arbi, but Modi thot it was design from Amdavad febrix. You know Mallikaben Sarabhai hes museum, I think. Why she is bringing bribery case from so long back now in open? I am liking her. She is all for gas. Leebral types hev to be or thier ghoos will become cook!

I brot this topic up becoz all are toking about skull cape and this will be fourgoaten staury. For informasun, SRK and I am heppy that Narendrabhai did not take spandex tight but he is in posessun of gas bag.

PS: The above is a fiction. Should anyone find it believable, do let me know what other categories can be peesed....I mean, appeased.

- - -

The language is Gujarati-accented English. I am afraid, I cannot make it intelligible for those who are not acquainted with it. Please ber with me!

Decoding Anna Ardour

Lots of people want to help the poor in India and go to Tihar. Many are in phoren lands and many are not aware of all those terms being bandied about. Here is a quick guide about the 10 most commonly-used words and the genres they might belong to:

1. Antshan: Hunt the shun

Genre - Wildlife

2. Andolan: On dole

Genre - Anthropology

3. Brashtachar: Brash taker

Genre – Pulp fiction

4. Lok Pal: Lock a pal

Genre – Mystery thriller

5. Jan Lok Pal: Heartfelt lock a pal

Genre – Romantic mystery thriller

6. Dharna: Don’t fear

Genre – Feel good

7. Gandhi topi: Gandhi’s top-up

Genre – Advertising

8. Jail bharo: Burrow the jail

Genre – Archaeology

9 Loktantra: Lock the magic

Genre – Mime

10 Badlao: Bad love

Genre – Paranormal

The literal meanings are hunger fast; revolution; corruption; Lokpal and Jan lokpal are bills to deal with corruption, one the government’s version; the other Anna’s version; protest; Gandhi cap; forcing the authorities to imprison; democracy; change.

Wendi and Murdoch: A Love Ishtory

Wendi Deng does not like shaving cream and likes hubby Rupert Murdoch. Simple. Yet, there is this hyper reaction and all alluding to her Asian roots because she responded to some intruder who wanted to smack the News Corp chief kindly with foam at the hearings of the hacking scandal.


Reuters had this to say:

• With a scorpion-like swipe at a protester, Wendi Deng became an unlikely hero on Tuesday in defense of her octogenarian husband Rupert Murdoch. 

• She sprang from her seat behind her husband to smack the assailant, in a scene witnessed by millions around the world watching television coverage of the latest developments in the News of the World telephone hacking scandal. 

• In doing so, Deng made the embattled News Corp chief look vulnerable, and herself strong. But the incident and her reaction also helped to take some of the heat off of Murdoch who had looked tired, disconnected and irritable earlier in the hearing. 

• The 42-year-old third Mrs Murdoch, who came from middle-class China to marry one of the world's most powerful media moguls, gave a dramatic stand-by-your-man display.

This is sexist and racist. Other articles have gone on and on, including how ambitious she is and reacted before his son James could. Is this some competition? I think anyone with some alacrity would have jumped up. Why is she an "unlikely hero"? Is this some patriarchal nonsense where the son has to be the first to defend?


There is one theory that this was planned by the Murdochs and Jonathan May-Bowles, who for some reason calls himself Jonnie Marbles (because he lost them?), had warned about the 'splat' before. Weird. I found his chant quite telling. "You naughty billionaire," is all he could come up with.


Besides, are people stupid to be taken in by such Murdochian 'vulnerability'? 


I am surprised to read these tidbits, though:

New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof tweeted, "I'm awed by Wendi Murdoch taking down Rupert's attacker," and former CBS news anchor Katie Couric tweeted that Deng gave a "whole new meaning to the term tiger mother."

Why can it not be panda mother or beach whale mother? 


- - -

Anyhow, I think it makes for a really nice Bollywood film sequence where the tables are turned and the man’s honour is at stake.

Wendi to assailant: “Kuttey, kameeney, teri yeh himmat!” (Dog, you have the gall)

Rupert turns to notice the fracas and that his head has just been spared. He becomes emotional and with arm around Wendi addresses the pie man: “Eik chutki sindoor ki keemat tum kya jaano, Jonnie babu?” (How would you know the value of a little sindoor – the red mark in the parting of a woman’s hair to indicate her marital status)

Wendi: “Roop, tumhara sar aankhon par.” (sar aankon par is a phrase that indicates your wish is my command, but here it is literally his head – ‘sar’ – that was attacked)

Rupert: “Teri aankhon ke siva duniya mein rakha kya hai…Tumne meri izzat bachayi, meri raksha ki, tum mere aaka ho.” (Nothing in this world matters besides your eyes…you have saved my honour, protected me, you are my lord and master)

Wendi rests her head on his chest: “Dil cheez kya hai…” (What is this heart…)

Rupert: Camembert…

Wendi: Nahin Brie…

James watches confounded and chases the attacker with the plea: “What is your style number, what is mobile number.”

Nicholas Kristof enters with a sword in hand that he hands over to Wendi: "Khoob ladee mardani woh tau Jhansi Waali Rani.” (She fought valiantly, this Rani of Jhansi – the historical warrior queen)

- - -
[The Hindi is mostly parts of film songs and dialogues]

Baba Ramdev’s Ramleela

Beat it!

Baba Ramdev walks out of the aircraft and is followed by four ministers of the central government of India on the tarmac. He commands one of the minions, “Phone George Bush.”

“Baba, it is very late there. Shall I call up Barack Obama instead?”

“Won’t it be late for him?”

“No, Sir, he is watching the Osama video, he does it every night to get good sleep.”

“This is not Obama’s territory. I need Bush.”

Now the minion is scared. Yet, he hesitantly asks, “Can you tell me why it is so urgent?”

“I want his fire helmet.”

Watching the man’s face, Baba Ramdev taps him lightly on the head, “Murkh, you fool, we are at the Ramleela Maidan, everyone is going to perform and must look the part.”

“What role are you playing?”

“George Bush.”

“But Bush was not in the Ramayana.”

“Neither was Anna Hazare. I am portraying Bush because the media has referred to this place we are making pavitra (pure) as Ground Zero and you remember how Bush had reached his Ground Zero with that yellow helmet.”

“It won’t match with your saffron robes, pitashri.”

“There is no match-making here. You think those Congress leaders are agreeing with me? The RSS and BJP is agreeing? That Anna Hazare who till the other day was on his own trip now wants to join me.”

“Haan, why?”

“Simple. Mallika Sherawat.”

“No, no, you are mistaking. He is Gandhian.”

“Exactly. For him this is test in all areas. Why he did not sit in fast in Ralegaon Siddhi?”

“Maybe there is no corruption there.”

“Paagal ho gaye ho (are you mad)? No one is fighting corruption. You don’t read the papers? There are 1000 toilets built here.”

“So you want the papers for that?”

“Nahin, don’t forget we are Indians first…”

“Okay, I found the papers. There will be 50 litres of water used for each day of the rally.”

“That is for drinking.”

“But you are on hunger strike.”

“Yes, but technically hunger and thirst are different. Also this will be good publicity for my yoga, to show how with asanas we can control the body. Lot of bodies will be controlled there.”

Ground Zero being made up

“Your rally is bigger than Anna’s. There is a 2.5-lakh sq ft waterproof tent, four platforms, 1,000 ceiling fans, and an event management company. Jai ho. But why do you have 50 ambulances and an ICU at the venue?”

“There will be so many celebrities, and people are complaining that they are not clean, they are earning crores in cash so how can they not be corrupt. Government is fighting political war, so just for some shoo-sha they could arrest some people, like at airport they caught Bipasha Basu for bringing shoes only because she did not throw one at Chidambaram.”

“Was that the reason?”

“This is the inside story no one talks about. The amount of shoes thrown at ministers shows their power.”

“So what is the strategy?”

“When they come to arrest, the celebrities can complain of chest pain, diabetes, liver problem, kidney failure, piles, anything and we can immediately put them in ICU or take them in ambulances to the hospitals. That way our message will go beyond the grounds.”

“But lakhs of people are expected and not all are celebrities…I hear the Mumbai dabbawallas are also supporting you.”

“These dabbawallas are celebrities. They go to IIT for lectures and were invited to Buckingham Palace.”

“Shahrukh Khan has said you have a political agenda.”

“And he does not? He is talking for that Amul baby, Rahul. Also, now Salman’s film is ready so he wants attention.”

“Wah, you are so intelligent. You don’t need that George Bush helmet.”

“We want the world to see our Ground Zero.”

“But these media people are wrong. Ground Zero means an epicentre of some disaster.”

“Aisa kya (is that so)? Then arrange some disaster.”

“G.R.Khairnar is coming. You want him to bring bulldozer?”

“Tchah, he is small man dealing with jhuggi-jhonpdi (hutments). Can you get some SIMI or Hizbul-Isabgol group? We will pay them to buy some firecrackers and make some noise. These days unless there is some Islamic mention it does not make international headlines.”

“I got an idea, sirji. Why not we say we are fighting jihad against corruption and issuing fatwa against those who have stashed millions?”

Baba Ramdev smiles: “Tathastu!” …So be it…

-
(c) Farzana Versey

- - -


A backgrounder: Yoga guru/godman Baba Ramdev has planned this massive rally from tomorrow, June 4, at Delhi's Ramleela grounds to fight corruption. He was received at the airport by Congress Party ministers, celebrities will be there, other details mentioned are all true, including Hazare and former Municipal Commissioner Khairnar, known to demolish slums, and the dabbawallas joining him. As for the rest, it's a fast....I mean farce.

- - -


Images: Rediff, Mumbai Mirror

Amar Singh and Draupadi in a taped conversation

“Hallow?”

“Hal-lo?”

“Hallow, how have you been?”

“I am fine. Who..”

“It’s me, Draupadi.”

“Are you wearing a saree?”

“Ha, ha, no dice.”

“Come on, tell me honestly. I also play chess with Jaya.”

 “Oh…”

 “Don’t sound upset.”

 “Why bring Jaya in, munchkin?”

 “I said I play with Vijay…you are doctoring the conversation.”

 “I am just feeling low. We are talking after a long time”

“I’ve been very busy in Kurukshetra, it’s tough.”


“So when are we meeting?”


“When do want to meet baby? I will make time.”


“Okay sweetie.”


“It’s so nice of you to remember me.”


“I tau always remember you.”


“An old man, a fossil.”


“I don’t think age really matters, does it?”


“It matters between the legs.”


“Ha, ha, ha, god.”

“Reminds me, what is happening to your five husbands?”

“Don’t ask. I am fed up with them. It is like coalition politics.”

“But you were rewarded, na?”

“What reward? There is Bhima who has the power of elephants, so what am I to do? Yudhishtira is wise, but lives in the mind. Arjuna has courage and his aim was better with the fish. Nakul and Sahdeva are gorgeous, but they go to the river to look at themselves.”

“You have more than you can handle?”

“Oh, sweetie, you know I can handle a lot. Just that in all this reward-award, I did not get a man who could entertain me.”

“So sad, baby. I swing both ways – do politics and business.”

“That’s why you are so interesting, buttercup. Age has nothing to do with it.”

“Nice of you to say that. Reminds me of that old Hindi song ‘Piya tu, ab tou aaja’.”

“It is a cabaret number.”

“No. It is very deep. It is how with a little nasha anything can happen.”

“Ha, ha…when are we meeting?”

“Soon. Have to sort few problems.”

“Serious?”

“That Mulayam…”

“Too soft he was, na?”

“Arre, baba, someone will be listening to this phone call.”

“Who?”

“Anil.”

“Why is he so important?”

“Because of Tina.”

“Tina too calls?”

“No because There Is No Alternative.”

“Ha, ha. You are lucky then. I have so many and am yet unhappy.”

“My motto is phool khilein hai gulshan gulshan. Let flowers bloom.”

“Yes, We will stay in touch…”

Phone goes silent. Draupadi’s on hold. Amar Singh returns after a few seconds.

“What happened?”

“Another call, baby.”

“Hmm…”

“Shanti.”

“Who Shanti?”

“I want shanti.”

“Whattt?”

- - -

For those who do not know, politician Amar Singh, who has an uncanny ability to be in the news or stay in the news, had earlier talked about the controversial taped conversations with the lawyer-activist father-son duo Prashant and Shanti Bhushan. Now some of the other tapes of his chats with politicians, business tycoons and film stars have been released. The one that has currently grabbed most attention is with someone who calls herself Bipasha, assuming it to be the actress. I have seen/heard precious little of her, but I would rather go along with her denial. Some of the sentences are from the taped chat. The release of these tapes will now permit others to come out. Amar Singh has not denied it is his voice, although he has mentioned editing. I guess his body parts cannot be edited. To his credit he says he is no saint and answerable only to his wife. For the personal conversation, yes. If it has to do with other deals, then no.

The above light-hearted spoof, I must clarify, is to highlight the nature of ‘crowded’ and unethical politics.The italicised portions are verbatim from the 'original'.

- - -

If you are interested, in the content of the tape here it is: http://youtu.be/c9mJqVSCtbY

Ramgopal Verma ka Constitution

“I have no idea who Anna Hazaare is as I don't keep track of anyone except for film people and gangsters. I don't know what he is fasting for because I don't know what he or anybody else in the whole world is up to as I am too busy in my film work.”

- Film director Ramgopal Verma

When everyone is “charged up”, his comment most certainly lightens up the atmosphere, especially with so many factions and so much fractiousness already visible. Here’s some freewheeling - the backgrounder and more is in the footnote):

Anupam Kher calls up Ramgopal Verma. “Hello, hello?”

“Who?”

“My name is Kher. Anupam Kher.”

“I don’t know Anna Hazare.”

Hangs up and returns to looking at pictures of starlets to cast in his new film.

Phone rings again.

“Hallo? Halla Bol!”

“Who?”

“Mee Ramdas Athavale boltoy.”

“I don’t know Anna Hazare.”

Hangs up and returns to looking at pictures of starlets to cast in his new film.

Phone rings again.

“Halo? Halo?”

“Who?”

“Ha, ha, ha! Namaskar. Main Baba Ramdev hoon na.”

“I don’t know Anna Hazare.”

“Never mind. Aap ki filmon se woh haddiyon ki idea milee (I got the idea about using bones for yogic healing from your films).”

“Send royalty cheque please.”

“Ab tak Umaid Bhavan mein nahin gaya (I have not been to the royal palace Umaid Bhavan yet), wahaan tau Hollywood shaadiyan hoti hai.”

“I don’t know shaadi. Why call? Am busy and I don’t know you.”

“Lekin Mallika Sherawat ko jaante honge.(But you must know Mallika Sherawat)”

“Who is Mallika Sherawat?”

“Film star, mere blessings bohat leti hai yogasana ke liye (She takes my blessings for yoga asanas)”

“Ess, ess, I know fillim star. She is taking blessing to do yoga?”

“Nahin. To be a better person.”

“What is wrong with her now?”

“Better, better, everyone wants to be better. Yeh life ka neeyam hai (this is the rule of life)”

“I don’t know rules.”

“Pataa hai, aapki filmon mein clearly dikhta hai (I can see it clearly in your films)”

“Why you called? I don’t know yoga.”

“I am having trouble with An…”

“I don’t know Anupam Kher.”

“Oh, woh tau Constitution pheinkna chahta tha are Athavale ke log uske ghar par paththar pheinke (He wanted to throw out the Constitution and Ramdas Athavale’s people pelted stones at his house).”

“I don’t know the Constitution. He can keep it or do what he wants and I don’t know stones so they can do what they want.”

“Aap Bharat mata ke putra hai. (You are the son of mother India.)”

“I don’t know putra.”

“Yeh sab aag phaila rahe hai. (They are only spreading fire)”

“I did it, I made film on Sholay.”

“Aap Sholay ko jaante hai? Hum prasann hue (You know Sholay? I am thrilled.)”

“No. I don’t know Sholay, only made film.”

“Tau theek hai. Ab Ann…”

“I don’t know Anna Hazare.”

“Wah. I need people like you. I am fighting and fighting for so many years for this, but one man who looks bhookha (hungry) goes on hunger strike and takes credit.”

“I don’t know him. I know gangsters.”

“Woh corruption se ledenge? (Will they fight against corruption?)”

“They become gangsters because of corruption.”

“You said you don’t know corruption.”

“If you don’t know who your father is it does not mean you cannot be a father.”

“Wah. I will tell this on Rajat Sharma’s India TV. He keeps repeating my episode, it is like Comedy Circus, ha, ha, ha.”

“I am busy. Why you called.”

“Dil halka karne. (To lighten my stress.)”

“I don’t know stress.”

“Then you are my guru.”

“I am not Dhirubhai Ambani.”

“Pataa hai.”

“I am making new film: Ramgopal Verma ka Constitution. No one will be able to amend it.”

“The public will throw it out.”

“Who is public?”

- - -


The background:

Actor Anupam Kher must get it clear that you cannot eat your cake while baking it. And it would also do Ramdas Athavale’s RPI (Republican Party of India) members to understand that any slur on the Indian Constitution is not about Ambedkarites alone. While Babasaheb Ambedkar is the person who drafted it, we do not want a situation where his supporters, neo-Buddhists and Dalits are the only ones who rush to shelter its image, although this is not about image at all. It is also a bit ironical that those who are from groups that need protection should come out in support of laws that they themselves want updated.

Kher has defended himself:

“I have not made those remarks. I am really sad; someone should’ve verified with the person concerned or the news channels or backed it with documentary evidence before passing the privilege notice. It is not right to malign anyone without knowing the correct facts. I have not said that ‘Constitution should be thrown out’. All I said was there was a need for an amendment to the constitution. If MPs take 80 seconds to pass their salary bills, the government should do the same for the Lokpal Bill which is important.”

The Constitution is not a holy book and most people have not read it in its entirety. The Indian Constitution is a frame and the painting keeps changing. So, Mr. Kher cannot “throw” it out. However, the analogy he has used is immature. But it shows just how kneejerk reactions work. This was only one…

And Baba Ramdev is of course confused because he is feeling left out. 

Over the weekend I got almost 15 forwarded pieces giving a 'contrarian' view. Wow. This too is herd instinct when you cannot see the faulty discourse in the beginning and wait to ask the questions when you see 'like-minded' people doing so. This is not only hypocrisy, but reveals how many turncoats are there.

- - -

As for Anna Hazare, here's a quote:

"The work done by chief ministers of Bihar (Nitish Kumar) and Gujarat (Narendra Modi) should be done by chief ministers of all states. I am not in support of any party, but the work they (Modi and Nitish Kumar) have done at the grassroots level is needed. The rural development they have done should be imitated. I will not go into politics of this."

If this is not politics, then what is?

- - -

An abridged version of my April 7 piece has appeared in today's Khaleej Times

Shahid Afridi vs. Veena Malik in Big Goss

Pakistani captain Shahid Afridi has hit out at India and the Indian media. It is amusing, so let me present here an imagined conversation between him and Veena Malik in Big Goss. Parts of the report with his comments are interspersed:

"In my opinion, if I have to tell the truth, they (Indians) will never have hearts like Muslims and Pakistanis. I don't think they have the large and clean hearts that Allah has given us," Afridi said during a talk show on Samaa news channel when he was asked about relations between the two countries.

Veena Malik: “Shahidji, how kaan you say this ji? After so much afat we are making out here. Allah is not your jaagir and Allah has made my haat large and clean so I can put lots inside and also make it look like bright Taj Mahal.”

Shahid Afridi: “Mohtarma, aap kuchch na kahe tau hi behetar hoga. (Ma’am, it would be better if you did not say anything) You are insult to Pakistan, to Muslims, to hearts and all parts.”


Veena: “Haan, haan, apni zaat pe aa gaye na? Mard hote hi aise hai. (Yes, yes, you are showing your true colours. Men are like this only)”


Afridi: “Tau Ashmit kya cheez hai? (So what is Ashmit Patel?)”


Veena: “Dawnt get personal. Ash-mit has only shown bigness of haat and also its cleanness. He knows me and my Allah wary vell.”

"It is a very difficult thing for us to live with them (Indians) or to have long-term relationship with them. Nothing will come out of talks. See how many times in the past 60 years we have had friendship and then how many times things have gone bad," he said as the audience in the TV channel's studio applauded him repeatedly.”

Veena: “Fast of all, it is more than 63 and half years. I know all figures, ask Mohammed Asifji. Frandship is two sided, if you temper one side of ball and rub on ground, then frandship will be balled out.”


Afridi: “You made big bang only for publicity. Apni match-fixing par thoda tawajjo dijiye. (Concentrate on your own match-fixing)”


Veena: “I am bold and open…”


Afridi: “Now stop. Don’t go further. Bilkul Indian film star jaise talk-shauk kar rahi hai aap. (You talk like an Indian film star)”


Veena: “Ji, becaaz I have mammary. All our banda used to come here only…Mran Khan, Wseem Kram, Shwaib…sab Bollywood ke khwaab dekhte they ya Bollywood ki hairoyenon ke. (Imran Khan, Wsaeem Akram Shoiab would all dream about Bollywood or its heroines)”


Afridi: “Their women are after us, did you see any of us with pouches?”


Veena: “Woh tau aapka problem hai na? (Isn’t that your problem?)”


Afridi: “Yuvraj lekar ghoom raha tha aur pregnant aurat jaise vomit kar raha tha. (Yuvraj was walking around with it and vomiting like a pregnant woman – the reference is to an initially unfit Yuvraj and his paunch)”


Veena: “But than he plad so vall. Sab ki chonch chup kar di. (But then he played so well, he shut up everyone’s beak.)”

"We don't want to fight with each other but a third country – everyone knows which one it is - is trying to spoil our relations. (This country) is taking advantage of Pakistan and wants to take advantage of India. I don't want to go into details but these people will not let us come together," he added.

Veena: “Now dawnt blame Siri Lanka.”


Afridi: “Suniye, you don’t know cricket or politics, aap acting hi karein. (stick to acting)”


Veena: “Agar acting kar sakti tau role mil gaye hote. (If I knew acting then I would have got roles)”


Afridi: “So even you agree that Indians don’t have large hearts?”


Veena: “Nawt at all. It is large haats that even though I kanaut act they give me prime tam. Why no other country is coming in way of my relationship with India?”


Afridi: “Because outside India and Pakistan nobody knows you.”


Veena: “Saare jahaan ke log jaante hai (everyone in the world knows me), not only crickatting world. If you were bold like me you would name the mullahs who are spoiling relations.”


Afridi: “I said other country.”


Veena: “So I am also saying other country. Mullahvi.”


Afridi: “Aap ko tau Allah bhi…(With you even Allah…)”


Veena: “Dawnt be jealous of jarnail knowlej I own, theek hai ji? (Don’t be jealous of my general knowledge, okay)”

Asked about the Indian media's coverage of the Pakistani team during the semifinal with India at Mohali on March 30, Afridi replied: "The Indian media has a very negative approach and very negative thoughts. The people may not be like that but I think the media had a very dirty role in spoiling relations between us and India. Our media, which is criticised by people, is hundred times better than theirs," he said.

Veena: “I am making vawes in Indian media, no nagatiwe proach, no nagatiwe thot. Media is making me have good relations with all Indians. Pakistani media puts me in front of camera with some bearded man.”


Afridi: “And if India will put you in front of their bearded man you will jump with joy…”


Veena: “They don’t have those types.”


Afridi: “Amitabh Bachchan hai na.”


Veena: “His beard is designer and awerybody knows from paaon to sar (head to toe) I only like designer.”

Afridi also criticised Interior Minister Rehman Malik for warning the Pakistani team not to get involved in match-fixing and Indian cricketer Gautam Gambhir, who vowed to dedicate victory in the World Cup final to victims of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. "I think they were both very stupid comments by Rehman Malik and Gautam Gambhir...I wasn't expecting this from Gautam...This is all politics, what do you know about who carried out the Bombay attacks?" he said.

Veena: “Rehman ji and I are both Malik and Malik and only we know inside of match-fixing.”


Afridi: “Whole world is involved. It was bad for our morals.”


Veena: “Ab ismey moral kahaan hai? (Now where do morals come into this) Be bold and crejiss like me.”


Afridi: “That I can see. Boldness is not about upper stuff…”


Veena: “Dekhein, aap hadd paar na karein. (Look, don’t go beyond a limit)”


Afridi: “I am only saying outside you can be bold in dress and Rehman Malik was bad for moral with e.”


Veena: “Vot English is this, hain? Moral tau hmm…mmm…haan ‘M’ se shuroo hota hai…(Moral starts with, well, ‘M’)”


Afridi: “Ji. Hum ending ki baat kar rahe they. (Yes, I was talking about ending)”


Veena: “Pakistaniyon ka yehi prowblim hain. End ka sochte hain. Pichur abhi baaqi hai dost.(This is the problem with Pakistanis, they only think of the end. The picture is still to go on)”


Afridi: “So why did Gambhir want to dedicate to victims of Mumbai attacks?”


Veena: “He said for finals ji, and we were not playing, tau don’t do fikar. Indians have large haat that’s why we did not reach final.”


Afridi: “They did it for themselves. It is all politics.”


Veena: “Aap cricket kheliye, yeh kaafi hoga. Theek hain, ji? (You play cricket, that will be enough, okay?)”


Afridi: “Aur aap India mein hi rahe. (And you stay back in India)”


Veena: “Tau phir Pakistan ke crikaters ka kya hoga ji? (What will become of Pakistani cricketers then?)”


Afridi: “Badey dil se kaam chala lenge, ji. (We will manage with our large hearts)”

- - -

End note:

I'd like to add that I received a few congratulatory emails and text messages from Pakistanis after the semis as well as the finals. I was confused. I don't want piece, I want the whole ji.

(c) Farzana Versey

- - -

Updated: April 5, 6.30 PM:

Shahid Afridi is now walking with his tail between his legs. He did not say all that…er…he did not mean all that…ho-hum.

I have uploaded a video. It really does not make much of a difference. But his clarification comes to an Indian channel – NDTV – whereas he gets the applause in Pakistan.

“I have enjoyed my cricket in India and I love Indian people. Don’t take my comments negatively. I have always got a lot of love and affection from Indian fans. And I request the media to play a more positive role and not waste time on such trivial issues. The media makes a big deal of small issues. It is shameful. I have always done my bit to improve Indo-Pak ties but sometimes you say something and it is interpreted the other way. I have been quoted out of context.”

His answers were direct. What context was not there? This should just teach us about not going haywire about cricket diplomacy and players doing their bit. Perhaps he’d like to ask one of his own predecessors, Aamir Sohail, who had objected to his comments.

An Hour at the Oscars

“Did you watch the TV?” asked my newly-exported friend from Ludhiana

“Yes, yes. Tanu weds Manu promos all over.”

“No, no, stop being so desi. We are world players.”

“I cannot watch the World Cup matches because Shane Warne is predicting everything before.”

“Don’t take that Aussie man’s name. He pataoed Liz and took away our woman.”

“Our woman?”

“She was married to tycoon Arun, no?”

“What tycoon? Anyway, what am I supposed to watch?”

“The Oscars!”

“It was telecast at 4 a.m India time and then 7.30 a.m…”

“If you can wake up early for that thing…you know what you like doing…your stupid writing…then this is international. You are so desi.”

“Right, but why are you so excited? I know who got the awards, so my general knowledge won’t suffer. Have you watched any of the films? What were your favourites?”

“Films? Who cares! There was one fellow who was like stuttering, then this woman who was doing some ballet-shallet, then some fighter, and even Facebook fellow was there. Hai, that was nice because all my relatives are on it, so we are all family.”

“If you have not watched any of the films, then what are you so enthusiastic about?”

“It is the whole atmosphere. The red carpet, the gowns, my, such lovely ones.”

“I saw this event on an entertainment channel and they went on and on about those stupid maxis, sorry gowns.”

“What is stupid, hain? Even Aishwariya Rai wore one and Mallika Sherawat wore one.”

“Oh, so they wore one each, that’s interesting. Did A. R. Rahman wear one too?”

“Don’t be mean. Bechara did not win this time, serves him right for leaving poor slumdogs, but he is so modest, he just kept smiling like a buddha.”

“You mean like the Buddha.”

“Oh, whatever. His wife they say was wearing Indo-Western fusion and carried a designer clutch.”

“I saw her wearing some thick dupatta. The western part may have been hidden.”

“What did you think of Ash and Mallika?”

“I did not notice what they wore. I was concentrating on their accents. Mallika spoke as though she was at a baseball match rooting for Rahman and Aishwariya said something about how nice it was to be ‘celebrating cinema like we do back home’. Very funny.”

“Chalo, this is global talk. You really must understand. I think Halle Berry’s nude was lovely.”

“I wish that was how she’d have been. She wore some ruffled stuff.”

“Ah, tell me more. I like to hear desi opinion on all this.”

“Sure. Even our media discusses it as though they were there and they are them, the same language, the same encomiums, the same kind of dissing. Heck, if the foreign press says it looked like table cloth, ours' modified it to table napkins. Original. Here, I have patience only for a couple of them. Penelope Cruz was in something shiny and looked a bit plump. And Cate Blanchett wore an atrocious dress with a yoke that looked like an upturned baby’s bib. Most were in red and most gowns looked either like some armour or like slips that needed something to be worn over them.”

“Wait baba, I must correct you. They have to show cleavage and their bodies. It is open society and even in India everyone is showing off.”

“True. I have no problem with revealing clothes, but they looked not quite complete.”

“This is high fashion, the best designers.”

“Is it about cinema or fashion? Why do these super actors have to announce which designer’s clothes they are wearing? If they have paid for them, then it is theirs.”

“Labels, darrrling, labels. You don’t understand.”

“I have seen some of the nighties on Linking Road and a few long kameezes at Crawford Market that don’t look much different.”

“This is desi mentality. It is the cut, the lines.”

“And the bulges. But why are we discussing this?”

“Okay, tell me about the speeches.”

“Speeches? Ooh-aah, I dunnowhattosaythisisjustsoaahsomepinchme…aah,sniff,owkhay, Imustthankgodthemazingteamthatmadeitpossible…ooh, Istillcan’tbelieveit…blah.”

“I am ashamed of you,” said my NRI friend. “As an Indian you should understand emotions.”

“Haan, butwhatemotionsarethereifyousoundlikeyouaresquirtingforthefirsttime?

“Whatttt arrr you saying?”

“Just being global.”

Attn: Mukesbhai Ambani urf Shahjehan

Dear Mukesbhai:

I am writing to you with lots of pain. I goat coal from friend high up…working in Kanchenjanga type place baba…saying I am useless. Niraben is not coaling me…I am telling him time to time that I love lowby. Nice free fres air in aircondisun looking at peepuls from all walks and talks of life. My favourite is Taj lowby but after tragedy and coming to know that terrorist also liking it, I am not pakka sure. You know newspaper is saying Ratan bhai is moving Supreme Court. My tongue in hanging out like Kali Mata that how gentle Parsi man who doesn’t hurt fly and move head too much like common man style nodding is becoming like Bheema and moving whole big fat court.

I did goggle search to find out full detail and moving means asking judge about leak. Again my tongue hanging out. Why judge must do sulabh shauchalaya work? So I read more report. It is leaking tapes. He is saying it is private matter between income tax and Niraben. I am saying maybe Niraben is adding extra ‘I’ in Nira because of ‘income’. That way I am intelligent. Ratan bhai also is going to say to judge openly he will want crime to be tried, like good man and good citizen. He is knowing this is not Gujarat where Nano and moto (not Motorola baba) problem can be solved with Narendrabhai Modi giving secular blessing.

You think I am saying all this only to get you to give me scoop? No, no. I went to Huggin Das thinking now this Bengali, like Mata Amritanandmayi, is giving hug with ice-cream scoop. I am really pain because my high up friend is laughing and laughing saying no one will coal you to lowby. I am saying maara sam, my swear, nice gentlemens meeting me in lowby many times, shaking hands, looking into eyes and then asking to have chai-pani as if I am havaldar or something. I am saying like Bollywood heroine of long time back that I live on love and fres air only.

But if Niraben coaled me my naak would be little up, my ijat little more. To put solt on my voond you didn’t ask me to come to Taj Mahal also. You are now becoming Shahjehan…arrrarrra…Nitaben 2 G-yo hajaron saal, may live long, long live Nitaben…by the whey, you look like twins now, only she is fair-fair like you done Michael Jackson type skin removal. She is good dancer and all time she does mudra pose newspapers talk about her tellunt. Look no, that day only your Ant Hill housewarming party was on front page of Times of India. I saying to myself, wah, wah, now why no one is coaling this lowby? This is double roti standard na? One day you are Shahjehan next day they saying, uff why media doing like this and why media doing like that? Why, you say?

But I am asking you why you call house Ant Hill, everyone wanting to know, even friend high up. I am saying him, first you tell I am not worth lowby then how I must know all this. Ratan bhai will move court about how it is all private, so what if little detail was in paper about chandelier, food, guests, lifts, garden…you wanted to avoid media so you had housewarming (it is so cold what?) before date, and then see it is in papers anyhow. What is happening to world? Everywhere lowby, lowby. Only no one is saying even inside lowby there is special lowby.

I am knowing little bit also. It is all in karma. Some peepuls will say, look that woman and that man openly writing against Vijay Mallya though they are friends. I am wanting to smile like Mona darling Lisa. Saying negative about Vijaybhai is like beating maasocheest – he is looking forward to whip! My Ingliss getting better, na? All Niraben’s kripa; after Rakhiben Sawant and her jeejus, Niraben is next fatafat.

I am writing to you also to say I talk too much on telephone. Niraben’s record I can break. But no one is coaling me, except friend from high up. I am going to tell him lies and say your house is like 21st century Vrindavan. Only instead Kokilaben is Krishna and has two mothers, you Mukesbhai and Anilbhai. She is doing running from one to other, I am reading like that in papers. She is sitting with dandiya-type flute and having to lagao makhan butter for smooth-sailing of family ship. You not having ship? Helicopter is also okay, sailing in sky and dropping on hell-paad.

I am having another little noting. Mandir is in bottom of house and you are on top of god. Thanks god I am calling it Vrindavan and not Taj Mahal otherwise those mahants and political parties will say, look we will get Mukesbhai for elecsun because he is doing sym-ball and telling world that below Agra Taj Mahal was also mandir, he is making point, he is lowbying for us.

I am only opening your third eye. I know, I know, only Shiva had third eye, but Telelka and all sting wallas having third eye. You don’t worry, be happy. My pain is gone after opening heart surgery with you. All is out of chest. Reminds me, I reading Paremeshwar Godrej was also at party? Nice lady carrying communist baraat many times on head. What? Beret? Haan, haan, how I am to knowing all this? They saying what story to carry. Arre, how anyone can carry story? It is not some bojh, burden, to carry inside sack on head.

Please give Niraben’s reliancing number only. I will give missed call from Wada phone or air tell…most danger like telling in havaa. I am taking risk. I can hear phone is tapping like keyboard on leptope.

Today I made promise to self I will go to lowby. i don’t want my rape-u-tasun to be on stake like Joan ben of Arkansas.

Jai Shri Krishna!

Yours (Radia se kaise na jaley) censurely,
Antilia

- - -

PS: While I cannot 'translate' this into regular English, I'd elucidate that part provocation for the post was the reference to Mukesh Ambani's new house as the "21st century Taj Mahal" by a media person and, when there is so much noise about the media, this private housewarming party made it to the front page of the newspaper.

Obama Talkin'

Mr. President why do you say you have a funny name?

“Well, they think so.”

How do you know?

“I mean the place where I was senator is called Illinois, so what do you expect?”

Then aren’t they the funny ones? Or shall we say 'ill' and 'annoy'ing?

“They are projecting.”

So, are you a Muslim?

“Moslem, Moslem, that’s how we say it here, with a zee sound and an ‘o’, like Mozambique.”

Were you born in Kenya?

“I would say that I can’t spend all my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead.”

It isn’t about your birth certificate but your roots.

“That would be Hawaii.”

Hawaii is a place, but your origin, your ancestry is more than that.

“Is it? I thought I talked about change. Change means getting out of the old.”

But you are still following Bush’s agenda. You are still in Iraq, in Afghanistan. Maybe it is the Muslim in you.

“Those are just rumours. I don’t believe that Pew Research Centre poll."

That 18 per cent Amercians think you are Muslim. What’s wrong with that?

“The facts are the facts. So, it’s not something that I can I think spend all my time worrying about. I don’t think the American people want me to spend all my time worrying about it.”

But you are tetchy about it.

“You know, there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly. We dealt with this when I was first running for the US senate. We dealt with it when we were first running for the Presidency.”

At that time you called yourself Barack Hussein Obama.

“I did?”

Yes. You even swot a fly in a TV studio.

“Yeah, that must have been a conspiracy. Like this survey.”

There will be several factors that surveys may throw up; that you like broccoli, you look good without your shirt on, you need to get out of Afghanistan. These are a part of your identity. So why does that 18 percent make you dodgy?

“If I spend all my time chasing after that then I wouldn’t get much done.”

All those drones to be managed. Swimming along the Gulf Coast. You are indeed a busy man.

“Yeah, it ain’t easy bicycling in Martha’s vineyard, too.”

I can imagine. Not when they think you know Martha.

The Swami and the Strays

Imagine a situation where a tragedy is imminent. The heart aches. Tears just about line the rims of eyes. The devotees begin the mournful pre-emptive dirge, the inner circle cries foul, the victim indicates he was the target but he smiles. He has to. He teaches everyone to do so in the face of all odds, ends and tails.

The investigators arrive. Big man, big audience. They move swiftly and the trail takes them to a farm from where a bullet travelled 2,500 feet to reach the ashram and grazed one member of the meditating congregation. Who was it aimed at?

Four stray dogs that had mauled a sheep at the farm-owner’s property. With his licensed .32 revolver, Mahavira Prasad fired three bullets; one bullet decided to travel farther out.

The Swami has said, “It is a closed chapter and will be forgotten.”

I am thinking about all those high-powered devotees who rushed to claim fealty and wondered in sorrowful tones about how anyone would want to target a good man like the swami. He himself had insisted that the intention was to hit him. He still believes that there is prejudice against swamis: “I suggest Karan Johar make a movie titled ‘I Am Swamy, But I Am Innocent’, which could show that all religious leaders are not like that.”

Those dogs could be innocent, too. Did the farm-owner know exactly which strays had mauled the sheep? Did the sheep stray into stray territory? Since it is a poultry and sheep farm, weren’t the fowl and the animal meant for consumption?

Why did Prasad first fire two rounds and the third near the gate of the ashram where another dog was? That dog could have been a devotee or planning to join the satsang. Have the police considered this angle?

There is in this incident a sense of a weird deus ex machina…a powerful man’s potential martyrdom snicked by a dog.

Also, imagine this one stray, perhaps human in an earlier birth, quite besotted by the swami yearns for a glimpse. Several frustrated attempts lead her astray and she goes berserk as the Swami’s car whooshes past, the dust rising and stinging her eyes. Day after day. On that fateful day, she scampers to the farm stomping on the grass and then as she watches the sheep quietly munching away she lunges, gnawing at the flesh. How she aches!

Her anger subsiding, she decides she can only pine. And so she waits at the gate. For a glimpse and dust in eyes:

A song from Sati Savitri yelps in her mind:

Tum gagan ke chandrama
Main dhara ki dhool hoon
Tum pralay ke devta ho
Main samarpit phool hoon

- - -

For those interested in the report, here’s a brief summary:

The mystery bullet that Art of Living guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar claimed was intended for him and cops insisted was merely a stray slug was actually aimed at scaring stray dogs at a farm near the guru’s ashram.

Karnataka police chief Ajai Kumar Singh said Mahadeva Prasad, chairman of Dr B R Ambedkar Medical and Dental College was on his poultry and sheep farm last Sunday around the same time the guru was addressing his congregation. Prasad was taking aim at four stray dogs near his farm since they had recently mauled a sheep. He fired three shots, missed the dogs completely and one bullet travelled over 2,500 feet in the air before grazing Vinay, a devotee at the ashram. “Taking the ballistic expert report, gradient of landscape and time of firing, it was confirmed the same bullet had travelled to the ashram,’’ Singh said.

What Tiger Woods Told Me

Everyone is counting his conquests. Here is one side, and a flip side, and then the flip the flip side. This could be the flop side.

It goes something like this: Tiger is of mixed race and it is a racial issue. Tiger was the good boy and he let us down. Tiger should have chosen the women with care. Tiger has every right to do what he wants as long as he plays golf. Tiger is being blackmailed. Tiger married a gold digger.

I thought it best to interview the man himself.

Do you think the problem is because you are like…er…Blackish?

“Green and black go well together, don't they?”

Like the grass is greener on the other side?

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

That’s pretty demeaning. I mean, why would white men dress like black pimps, and what about black pimps tells them apart from white ones and does golf come in, anyway?

“I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for - getting paid for doing what you love.”

Umm…you get paid for getting yourself what you are supposed to be getting for others?

"If I have more wins than anybody else and win more majors than anybody else in the same year, then it's been a good year."

What aspect of this love do you like best?

“I want to be what I've always wanted to be: dominant.”

Dominance can make you selfish but not self-reliant. You need to kind of look around…

“And I don't cook, either. Not as long as they still deliver pizza.”

Pizza is junk food. How much is too much? I know it satiates the appetite. Is that all?

“…you can characterize it and describe it however you want, but I have a love and a passion for getting that ball in the hole and beating those guys.”

So, who are the guys you want to beat?

“As a kid, I might have been psycho, I guess, but I used to throw golf balls in the trees and try and somehow make par from them. I thought that was fun.”

Mistaking the woods for the trees, eh? What does that teach you?

“You can always become better.”

But you obviously are good. Great, in fact.

“I did envisage being this successful as a player, but not all the hysteria around it off the golf course.”

It has happened. You are there. There are guys envious of you. They don’t care whether it is cocktail waitresses or nannies or TV presenters…

“If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person's life in a positive light, and that's what I want to do. That's what it's all about.”

You think all this is positive?

“It will always be the ball and me.”

Ah, so you are singularly blessed.

- - -

The quotes are real and have been used here in a different context only for reasons of parody and not to malign anyone. Not even golf.

Tweeting Tharoor

1. ROTFL. U r a hoot, man. Hand on hart (ouch) u r Woodhouse so rolling on floor wid lafter is easy.

2. Tnx 4 bringing out funny side of PM. He got ur joke but dats coz u did Kofi. Last time he joked was wid Gilani bout Balochistan.

- - -

Ok. Am done with bird talk. If you really think you are some pun-chkin then you have a think coming.

Here are some statements you made and in one you imply that people would not appreciate humour. Honestly, you are about as humorous as a bagpipe playing at a Roman repast
...

Holy cows are NOT individuals but sacrosanct issues or principles that no one dares challenge. Wish critics wld look it up.

Aww, giving us work to do? You think your critics would not know? For your information, YOU are a holy cow and as far as I can see you are an individual unless you believe you are an issue now.

And you do not travel with principles. I mean, do you ask for an aisle seat next to that puffed up sore-assed principle of dynastic politics? Heck. I already got it wrong. That wouldn't be a holy cow for you. You cannot have a beef with those who give you a ticket to ride.

- - -

It's a silly expression but means no disrespect to economy travellers, only to airlines for herding us in like cattle.

Aha! So did you speak to our local Richard Branson, Vijay Mallya of Kingfisher, and to Naresh Goyal of Jet? Did you speak to the minister of aviation?

But, what will you tell them? That they are doing okay with the holy cows...principles, of course...but not individuals who have to go moo-moo each time they turn their face and the passenger next to them is breathing butter chicken?

I know your fan base has increased though I suspect some women ministers might object to your gender political incorrectness with regard to cow.

You have put everything at steak and need a well-done break.

Wanna do Kofi at Kyarla Hose?

(That is what the Mallu you have forgotten would say about doing coffee at Kerala House.)

Take care, tweets. Now be good and LOL.

The Malik-Chidambaram Face-off

The Malik-Chidambaram Face-off - A Satire
by Farzana Versey
Countercurrents, September 12, 2009

This is an exclusive peek into the private debate that took place between Pakistan Interior Minister Rehman Malik and India’s Home Minister P Chidambaram regarding the 26/11 attacks. Mr. Malik had suggested they meet at any place – India, Pakistan or elsewhere. After much deliberation, Nepal was chosen. They had seen former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell plant a peck on the Nepal king’s cheek. Détente was all about gaal se gaal mila…

P Chidambaram: Just wondering.

Rehman Malik: Now what? You think too much. You remind me of Dalip Kumar, you know he also has this pose of hand under chin. Big tragedy king. India’s gain, Pakistan’s loss.

PC: What happened? He has nukes?

RM: Nahin yaar. He is original Peshawar banda, and you got him. He became so famous doing all those rona roles. Sometimes, I think he misses being with us.

PC: You gave him Nisha award, right?

RM: Nishan-e-Pakistan…

PC: Oh, whatever.

RM: Not vatever. We have enough on plate…

PC: Plate? Are we starting with lunch?

RM: Nahin, I mean we have enough problem; you want us to probe what happens in your country, then you send formal request in Marathi. How can we understand?

PC: It is not for you to understand. This is bureaucracy. Did you understand anything that Baitullah Mehsud used to say? You think only you need time? We also need time.

RM: How much? I told reporters that day that we filed the chargesheet in court within 76 days whereas Indians took more than 90 days to prepare it.

PC: Have you seen our population? Our courts have too much work. And all because of you guys. If you want to infiltrate why did you guys leave during partition at all?

RM: Tohada dimaag toh theek-thaak hain? I was only in kindergarten that time.

PC: You went to kindergarten?

RM: Haan toh…Jack and Jill saath saath vich hill climb and then Humpty Dumpy came tumbling after…

PC: You are mixing up your nursery rhymes.

RM: So vaat? How is Arun Shourie saab? He is ekdum intel gents, full of fatafat rhyming.

PC: Can we get down to business?

RM: Down ya up, business is business. Bolo, kithe shuroo kainda?

PC: So what are you doing with the dossier?

RM: Which one – Baluchistan or Mumbai?

PC: Excuse me, but your own PM made it clear there was nothing given.

RM: We don’t have to give everything we make. Waise, your Man saab is changa aadmi…ekdum jo moonh mein aaya bol diya…

PC: Er…

RM: Err…ghalat honda?

PC: Ok, we both know English.

RM: We both studied statistics also.

PC: Oh, well, I am a lawyer, too.

RM: I got doctorate in criminology.

PC: So find the criminals for us.

RM: Lau ji, if you are saying we send criminals then how we can have them also…this is like eating cake and having it…Mary Queen of Scots said.

PC: No, she did not.

RM: How you know what she said and what she didn’t? The problem with you Indians is jumping the gun and not pumping the gun.

PC: We are the land of Mahatma Gandhi…we believe in non-violence.

RM: Chhad yaar. But I am not minding. You took effort to come over here to debate, I am grateful to Allah.

PC: Hmm…I took the flight you know.

RM: Oh yes, that also in conmy class. That Parnab is on new trip.

PC: We understand that we need to pull up our socks.

RM: Loose hain kya? Please tell me why all Indian finance ministers carry that funny briefcase like someone carrying black money?

PC: The budget report is there.

RM: Ok, so budget has to have small buxa, not big. Nice symball.

PC: “Gham ka heera
dil mein rakho
kis ko dikhaate phirte ho
ye choron ki duniya hai…”

RM: Wah-wah, you know Urdu so well.

PC: All finance ministers must know. In India it is tradition to quote Urdu poetry.

RM: But you did not.

PC: I know. Big mistake. We need to appease people.

RM: But Muslims are poor.

PC: Who is talking about Muslims, we have to show Pakistanis that we are Jack of all trade.

RM: Jack in the box…

PC: Please, can we start the debate?

RM: Ho gaya ji. Baat cheet. Hor ki? Kuchch spice gal ho jaaye.

PC: It does not become us.

RM: Who is wanting anyone to become. I only asked for spice gal…gal meaning talk. You Indians are so big country but you only have one railway track line mind. I don’t want any trouble. Zardari saab said one nice thing to Sarah sahiba and whole of Pakistan was called Republican.

PC: You are anyway half American.

RM: Haan, sahi hain. But you are full Italian.

PC: I take your leave sir.

RM: Allah hafiz…

PC: Thank you for reminding me…where is Hafiz Saeed?

RM: And who is Zaki-ur-Rehman Lakhvi? Make up your mind who did what. Next time we will have more material and debate on border. Then we will see doodh ka doodh, paani ka paani.

PC: We have a shortage of ghee and butter in India, you are rubbing it…

RM: Correct. Rab sab jaanda, I tell you.

Both depart. Rehman Malik takes PIA fusst class and asks for razai. P Chidambaram gets into economy and the seats next to him are vacated.

Ajmal Kasab continues to grin in court.