Baba Ramdev’s Ramleela

Beat it!
Baba Ramdev walks out of the aircraft and is followed by four ministers of the central government of India on the tarmac. He commands one of the minions, “Phone George Bush.”

“Baba, it is very late there. Shall I call up Barack Obama instead?”

“Won’t it be late for him?”

“No, Sir, he is watching the Osama video, he does it every night to get good sleep.”

“This is not Obama’s territory. I need Bush.”

Now the minion is scared. Yet, he hesitantly asks, “Can you tell me why it is so urgent?”

“I want his fire helmet.”

Watching the man’s face, Baba Ramdev taps him lightly on the head, “Murkh, you fool, we are at the Ramleela Maidan, everyone is going to perform and must look the part.”

“What role are you playing?”

“George Bush.”

“But Bush was not in the Ramayana.”

“Neither was Anna Hazare. I am portraying Bush because the media has referred to this place we are making pavitra (pure) as Ground Zero and you remember how Bush had reached his Ground Zero with that yellow helmet.”

“It won’t match with your saffron robes, pitashri.”

“There is no match-making here. You think those Congress leaders are agreeing with me? The RSS and BJP is agreeing? That Anna Hazare who till the other day was on his own trip now wants to join me.”

“Haan, why?”

“Simple. Mallika Sherawat.”

“No, no, you are mistaking. He is Gandhian.”

“Exactly. For him this is test in all areas. Why he did not sit in fast in Ralegaon Siddhi?”

“Maybe there is no corruption there.”

Paagal ho gaye ho (are you mad)? No one is fighting corruption. You don’t read the papers? There are 1000 toilets built here.”

“So you want the papers for that?”

“Nahin, don’t forget we are Indians first…”

“Okay, I found the papers. There will be 50 litres of water used for each day of the rally.”

“That is for drinking.”

“But you are on hunger strike.”

“Yes, but technically hunger and thirst are different. Also this will be good publicity for my yoga, to show how with asanas we can control the body. Lot of bodies will be controlled there.”

Ground Zero being made up
“Your rally is bigger than Anna’s. There is a 2.5-lakh sq ft waterproof tent, four platforms, 1,000 ceiling fans, and an event management company. Jai ho. But why do you have 50 ambulances and an ICU at the venue?”

“There will be so many celebrities, and people are complaining that they are not clean, they are earning crores in cash so how can they not be corrupt. Government is fighting political war, so just for some shoo-sha they could arrest some people, like at airport they caught Bipasha Basu for bringing shoes only because she did not throw one at Chidambaram.”

“Was that the reason?”

“This is the inside story no one talks about. The amount of shoes thrown at ministers shows their power.”

“So what is the strategy?”

“When they come to arrest, the celebrities can complain of chest pain, diabetes, liver problem, kidney failure, piles, anything and we can immediately put them in ICU or take them in ambulances to the hospitals. That way our message will go beyond the grounds.”

“But lakhs of people are expected and not all are celebrities…I hear the Mumbai dabbawallas are also supporting you.”

“These dabbawallas are celebrities. They go to IIT for lectures and were invited to Buckingham Palace.”

“Shahrukh Khan has said you have a political agenda.”

“And he does not? He is talking for that Amul baby, Rahul. Also, now Salman’s film is ready so he wants attention.”

Wah, you are so intelligent. You don’t need that George Bush helmet.”

“We want the world to see our Ground Zero.”

“But these media people are wrong. Ground Zero means an epicentre of some disaster.”

Aisa kya (is that so)? Then arrange some disaster.”

“G.R.Khairnar is coming. You want him to bring bulldozer?”

“Tchah, he is small man dealing with jhuggi-jhonpdi (hutments). Can you get some SIMI or Hizbul-Isabgol group? We will pay them to buy some firecrackers and make some noise. These days unless there is some Islamic mention it does not make international headlines.”

“I got an idea, sirji. Why not we say we are fighting jihad against corruption and issuing fatwa against those who have stashed millions?”

Baba Ramdev smiles: “Tathastu!” …So be it…

(c) Farzana Versey

- - -

A backgrounder: Yoga guru/godman Baba Ramdev has planned this massive rally from tomorrow, June 4, at Delhi's Ramleela grounds to fight corruption. He was received at the airport by Congress Party ministers, celebrities will be there, other details mentioned are all true, including Hazare and former Municipal Commissioner Khairnar, known to demolish slums, and the dabbawallas joining him. As for the rest, it's a fast....I mean farce.

- - -

Images: Rediff, Mumbai Mirror


  1. Farzana,
    Thanks for this wonderful Parody. BTW, you could've made it more colorful by chipping in his cures on homo-sexuality. (Your own blog had a run something on it once...).
    p.s.: Have a Nice weekend .
    p.p.s.: Did we notice the on-set of Monsoon in Mumbai ? My week-end drink noticed it. And - wonder of wonders - it doubled itself. ;-)
    Funny no ?

  2. Funny! Dont Indians ever realise what royal jackasses they look like following this mendicant millionaire around...I mean the whole world is laughing at how this entire cow belt from Bihar and UP to Gujarat and Maharashtra can get a nation distracted by such wasteful tamashas...if ever there was the notion of "hero of the zeroes" it applies now...India remains engrossed in the frivolous, in the nonsensical circus act, while 85% of its population is destituted, femicided and reduced to skin and bones while a fat mob congregates under a saffron shamiana to roll their jello bellies....

  3. India is indeed a strange place. When buddha rises up against the brahminical orthodoxy and provides a very simple, elegant and spiritual religion to Indians; it is popular for a while and then it spreads across vast swathes of Asia and all but disappears in India because it lacks the ceremonial bells and whistles of ritual hinduism (like trying to cut out Madison Ave from Capitalism).

    When true reformist try to strengthen the democratic institutions, Indians get bored. When a sadhu baba (disregarding the fact that majority of them are good old fraudsters) jumps on podium, Indians wait for Nirvana to rain down from the sky.

    But, in the end we are all so irrational and illogical. That is why Americans get all excited about Bubble 2.0 right after most devastating financial disaster engineered by those who blew bubble 1.0.

    Hope burns eternal.....

  4. Mahesh:

    I avoided the homosexuality cures because it would seem like a brotherhood thing. Oh, and thanks.

    PS: Enjoy your Sunday and may your drinks be doubled and may you not see double. But the flip side is, you can;t say you drink on the rocks. Also, hope it wasn't absinthe.


    Hi. This 'mendicant' is audacious and arrogant. His pandal had aircons and it is indeed ridiculous to watch the tamasha, all live coverage. I fail to understand how we can be so stupid, or is it just that people need some fake heroes they can ditch conveniently?


    I am so glad I did not even know about the first Bubble.

    I think the reformers today are as pop as they come. I did not think much of Anna Hazare's movement and his turncoat behavior is vile.

    The various governments have always coddled religious 'leaders', but this really is the pits. To fight corruption they have used such ostentatious display. Now the self-righteous other group is saying they cannot align with Ramdev because of Hindu leaders, when they know he is one.

    Am glad I saw through this 'people's movement' right at the beginning.

    Btw, Buddhism is hot in India. Richard Gere visits India, not Sri Lanka!


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.