What Tiger Woods Told Me

Everyone is counting his conquests. Here is one side, and a flip side, and then the flip the flip side. This could be the flop side.

It goes something like this: Tiger is of mixed race and it is a racial issue. Tiger was the good boy and he let us down. Tiger should have chosen the women with care. Tiger has every right to do what he wants as long as he plays golf. Tiger is being blackmailed. Tiger married a gold digger.

I thought it best to interview the man himself.

Do you think the problem is because you are like…er…Blackish?

“Green and black go well together, don't they?”

Like the grass is greener on the other side?

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

That’s pretty demeaning. I mean, why would white men dress like black pimps, and what about black pimps tells them apart from white ones and does golf come in, anyway?

“I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for - getting paid for doing what you love.”

Umm…you get paid for getting yourself what you are supposed to be getting for others?

"If I have more wins than anybody else and win more majors than anybody else in the same year, then it's been a good year."

What aspect of this love do you like best?

“I want to be what I've always wanted to be: dominant.”

Dominance can make you selfish but not self-reliant. You need to kind of look around…

“And I don't cook, either. Not as long as they still deliver pizza.”

Pizza is junk food. How much is too much? I know it satiates the appetite. Is that all?

“…you can characterize it and describe it however you want, but I have a love and a passion for getting that ball in the hole and beating those guys.”

So, who are the guys you want to beat?

“As a kid, I might have been psycho, I guess, but I used to throw golf balls in the trees and try and somehow make par from them. I thought that was fun.”

Mistaking the woods for the trees, eh? What does that teach you?

“You can always become better.”

But you obviously are good. Great, in fact.

“I did envisage being this successful as a player, but not all the hysteria around it off the golf course.”

It has happened. You are there. There are guys envious of you. They don’t care whether it is cocktail waitresses or nannies or TV presenters…

“If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person's life in a positive light, and that's what I want to do. That's what it's all about.”

You think all this is positive?

“It will always be the ball and me.”

Ah, so you are singularly blessed.

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The quotes are real and have been used here in a different context only for reasons of parody and not to malign anyone. Not even golf.