Shahid Afridi vs. Veena Malik in Big Goss

Pakistani captain Shahid Afridi has hit out at India and the Indian media. It is amusing, so let me present here an imagined conversation between him and Veena Malik in Big Goss. Parts of the report with his comments are interspersed:

"In my opinion, if I have to tell the truth, they (Indians) will never have hearts like Muslims and Pakistanis. I don't think they have the large and clean hearts that Allah has given us," Afridi said during a talk show on Samaa news channel when he was asked about relations between the two countries.

Veena Malik: “Shahidji, how kaan you say this ji? After so much afat we are making out here. Allah is not your jaagir and Allah has made my haat large and clean so I can put lots inside and also make it look like bright Taj Mahal.”

Shahid Afridi: “Mohtarma, aap kuchch na kahe tau hi behetar hoga. (Ma’am, it would be better if you did not say anything) You are insult to Pakistan, to Muslims, to hearts and all parts.”

Veena: “Haan, haan, apni zaat pe aa gaye na? Mard hote hi aise hai. (Yes, yes, you are showing your true colours. Men are like this only)”

Afridi: “Tau Ashmit kya cheez hai? (So what is Ashmit Patel?)”

Veena: “Dawnt get personal. Ash-mit has only shown bigness of haat and also its cleanness. He knows me and my Allah wary vell.”

"It is a very difficult thing for us to live with them (Indians) or to have long-term relationship with them. Nothing will come out of talks. See how many times in the past 60 years we have had friendship and then how many times things have gone bad," he said as the audience in the TV channel's studio applauded him repeatedly.”

Veena: “Fast of all, it is more than 63 and half years. I know all figures, ask Mohammed Asifji. Frandship is two sided, if you temper one side of ball and rub on ground, then frandship will be balled out.”

Afridi: “You made big bang only for publicity. Apni match-fixing par thoda tawajjo dijiye. (Concentrate on your own match-fixing)”

Veena: “I am bold and open…”

Afridi: “Now stop. Don’t go further. Bilkul Indian film star jaise talk-shauk kar rahi hai aap. (You talk like an Indian film star)”

Veena: “Ji, becaaz I have mammary. All our banda used to come here only…Mran Khan, Wseem Kram, Shwaib…sab Bollywood ke khwaab dekhte they ya Bollywood ki hairoyenon ke. (Imran Khan, Wsaeem Akram Shoiab would all dream about Bollywood or its heroines)”

Afridi: “Their women are after us, did you see any of us with pouches?”

Veena: “Woh tau aapka problem hai na? (Isn’t that your problem?)”

Afridi: “Yuvraj lekar ghoom raha tha aur pregnant aurat jaise vomit kar raha tha. (Yuvraj was walking around with it and vomiting like a pregnant woman – the reference is to an initially unfit Yuvraj and his paunch)”

Veena: “But than he plad so vall. Sab ki chonch chup kar di. (But then he played so well, he shut up everyone’s beak.)”

"We don't want to fight with each other but a third country – everyone knows which one it is - is trying to spoil our relations. (This country) is taking advantage of Pakistan and wants to take advantage of India. I don't want to go into details but these people will not let us come together," he added.

Veena: “Now dawnt blame Siri Lanka.”

Afridi: “Suniye, you don’t know cricket or politics, aap acting hi karein. (stick to acting)”

Veena: “Agar acting kar sakti tau role mil gaye hote. (If I knew acting then I would have got roles)”

Afridi: “So even you agree that Indians don’t have large hearts?”

Veena: “Nawt at all. It is large haats that even though I kanaut act they give me prime tam. Why no other country is coming in way of my relationship with India?”

Afridi: “Because outside India and Pakistan nobody knows you.”

Veena: “Saare jahaan ke log jaante hai (everyone in the world knows me), not only crickatting world. If you were bold like me you would name the mullahs who are spoiling relations.”

Afridi: “I said other country.”

Veena: “So I am also saying other country. Mullahvi.”

Afridi: “Aap ko tau Allah bhi…(With you even Allah…)”

Veena: “Dawnt be jealous of jarnail knowlej I own, theek hai ji? (Don’t be jealous of my general knowledge, okay)”

Asked about the Indian media's coverage of the Pakistani team during the semifinal with India at Mohali on March 30, Afridi replied: "The Indian media has a very negative approach and very negative thoughts. The people may not be like that but I think the media had a very dirty role in spoiling relations between us and India. Our media, which is criticised by people, is hundred times better than theirs," he said.

Veena: “I am making vawes in Indian media, no nagatiwe proach, no nagatiwe thot. Media is making me have good relations with all Indians. Pakistani media puts me in front of camera with some bearded man.”

Afridi: “And if India will put you in front of their bearded man you will jump with joy…”

Veena: “They don’t have those types.”

Afridi: “Amitabh Bachchan hai na.”

Veena: “His beard is designer and awerybody knows from paaon to sar (head to toe) I only like designer.”

Afridi also criticised Interior Minister Rehman Malik for warning the Pakistani team not to get involved in match-fixing and Indian cricketer Gautam Gambhir, who vowed to dedicate victory in the World Cup final to victims of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. "I think they were both very stupid comments by Rehman Malik and Gautam Gambhir...I wasn't expecting this from Gautam...This is all politics, what do you know about who carried out the Bombay attacks?" he said.

Veena: “Rehman ji and I are both Malik and Malik and only we know inside of match-fixing.”

Afridi: “Whole world is involved. It was bad for our morals.”

Veena: “Ab ismey moral kahaan hai? (Now where do morals come into this) Be bold and crejiss like me.”

Afridi: “That I can see. Boldness is not about upper stuff…”

Veena: “Dekhein, aap hadd paar na karein. (Look, don’t go beyond a limit)”

Afridi: “I am only saying outside you can be bold in dress and Rehman Malik was bad for moral with e.”

Veena: “Vot English is this, hain? Moral tau hmm…mmm…haan ‘M’ se shuroo hota hai…(Moral starts with, well, ‘M’)”

Afridi: “Ji. Hum ending ki baat kar rahe they. (Yes, I was talking about ending)”

Veena: “Pakistaniyon ka yehi prowblim hain. End ka sochte hain. Pichur abhi baaqi hai dost.(This is the problem with Pakistanis, they only think of the end. The picture is still to go on)”

Afridi: “So why did Gambhir want to dedicate to victims of Mumbai attacks?”

Veena: “He said for finals ji, and we were not playing, tau don’t do fikar. Indians have large haat that’s why we did not reach final.”

Afridi: “They did it for themselves. It is all politics.”

Veena: “Aap cricket kheliye, yeh kaafi hoga. Theek hain, ji? (You play cricket, that will be enough, okay?)”

Afridi: “Aur aap India mein hi rahe. (And you stay back in India)”

Veena: “Tau phir Pakistan ke crikaters ka kya hoga ji? (What will become of Pakistani cricketers then?)”

Afridi: “Badey dil se kaam chala lenge, ji. (We will manage with our large hearts)”

- - -

End note:

I'd like to add that I received a few congratulatory emails and text messages from Pakistanis after the semis as well as the finals. I was confused. I don't want piece, I want the whole ji.

(c) Farzana Versey
- - -

Updated: April 5, 6.30 PM:

Shahid Afridi is now walking with his tail between his legs. He did not say all that…er…he did not mean all that…ho-hum.

I have uploaded a video. It really does not make much of a difference. But his clarification comes to an Indian channel – NDTV – whereas he gets the applause in Pakistan.

“I have enjoyed my cricket in India and I love Indian people. Don’t take my comments negatively. I have always got a lot of love and affection from Indian fans. And I request the media to play a more positive role and not waste time on such trivial issues. The media makes a big deal of small issues. It is shameful. I have always done my bit to improve Indo-Pak ties but sometimes you say something and it is interpreted the other way. I have been quoted out of context.”

His answers were direct. What context was not there? This should just teach us about not going haywire about cricket diplomacy and players doing their bit. Perhaps he’d like to ask one of his own predecessors, Aamir Sohail, who had objected to his comments.


  1. LOL!! You are funny. "large haat":) Good to see humorus reaction and light side

  2. FV,
    Outstanding piece , you have really put your travelling experiences to Pakistan to great use. People who have read the book a few times over will connect with it , even more.
    On the world Cup Story, here are a few points I would like to make. Pakistan has started to realise that the period of ten years 2001 and 2011, while India Grew in IT, Infrastruture , Corruption and Terrorism , they only grew in latter two. It is not an equal game any more. We have now taken on the job on running european banks by filling them with swiss money. Most ex cricketers have ties with TV companies who have a larger interest in India (ESPN owned by Murdoch) and their singers , shayars only find their LA in Bandra. It is unfortunately economics which is ironing some old issues by force. Else Our prime ministers can watch cricket , discuss "Calmsutra" and ask the IFS officers to draft a statement in queens english.
    Btw, Veena Is Pakistan's Rakhi sawant with a better Visual appeal and minus the sillicone , she deserves an equal chance which some of my "Bhartiya" bhais are denying her .
    The saga will go on , just like an Ekta kapoor serial with twenty rebirths, 51 divorces and love me again episodes, keep watching.....Manish

  3. FV
    LOL, absolutely funny piece!

    While I was reading this superb piece, it seemed so real that I actually felt both of these idiots having this conversation and I was laughing out loud so much that I fell off of my chair and then I rolled over my stomach and felt stomachache out of laughing that hard.

    Anyway, Veena is a first class piece of crap and Afridi is another piece of crap. And it makes two craps to make a bigger one.


  4. FV
    Just to add.
    Veena," Afridi, a Paki caaptaan with big haaart izz sick becozz his haaart is aanlarged, called cordomeggley."

    Afridi," veena, a Paki tuwaaif hooooker is gaadaar(a betrayer) who is lalchii gidd.(greedy vulture)


  5. Super! First time here and found another hilarious one on Rahman Malik with Chidambaram. I am from Pakistan but your sentiments are same as many of us. You rawk!

    Salams, Asad

  6. Great stuff. You are quicker than mainstream media, and gave the topic the treatment it deserved.

    Am in amchi Mumbai on a short break.

  7. I have updated the Afridi drama.


    Thanks, but is it light? I am serious!


    No same-same...look where it gets us. Welcome, anyway. And thanks for reminding me about the Rehman-Chidambaram piece. Here it is for those interested:



    As far as I am concerned I am mainstream and with it. Been a while since you made your presence felt here. Do you have to be in my city to read me? Honestly, I am not all that parochial.

  8. Manish:

    Thank you for re-reading the book. I suppose the personal experiences do come in handy.

    You make a perceptive comment about the difference between India and Pakistan. But the two areas where we have succeeded are fraught with their own issues. Otherwise, you are spot on.

    Veena Malik is way more complex than Rakhi Sawant.

    And as you said, the saga will go on...as it already has...


    Aap ne tau naya rukh de diya 'dialogue' ko!

    I did not have any opinion on Afridi before this...he just comes across as pathetic. Veena is considered a pathbreaker by both Pakistani and Indian liberals. More pathetic.

    Glad you enjoyed it. Now, like Bollywood star you can mouth the phrase, "Paapi peit ke sawaal hai" wrt your stomach ache.

  9. By the looks, I thought Afridi must be Jock(you can tell I am out of touch with cricket scene for a long time).

    Now that I know him to be so eloquent, caring and passionate man to be in politics, I hope he has a long and rewarding career outside of politics.

  10. btw, I don't know who Veena Malik is (tried googling but still no clue, sounds like talk-show host ;-) ) and have barely begun to know Afridi but Funny Quotient of this piece high just for the accent if nothing else :)

  11. Hitesh:

    You don't need to be in touch with cricket to know anything about it anymore. It is part of our culture! Afridi may well enter politics. As for Veena Malik, has your server blocked her?? There is material even you would not want to know :)

    The accent here was just the icing. But to know the cake you will have to google ji...

  12. she's even becoming popular in USA: Veena Malik attacked by mufti on live tv: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/8sAkfF/www.huffingtonpost.com/shirin-sadeghi/veena-malik-interview_b_845636.html

  13. Popular indeed. But I have reservations about her role. Take a look:


  14. Chalo. I will also say that it is a good effort, though in this type of writing you are not in your own. Be Blessed
    Ijaz Gul

  15. Ijaz Gul:

    Hello! This was my 'lassi after a heavy meal' moment. It isn't quite food but thandak milee...

    Thank you, anyway.


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