Am I talking bull?

“We are up by 2111 points,” I said.

I could imagine my banker blinking at the other end of the phone.

I recall the times they had tried to educate me about things like smart money and investment strategy…oh, also risk portfolios. The last one really got my hormones active. The word risk does this to me.

Today, as I saw our Prime Minister’s caricature on the TOI front page and a bull being shot off from an army tanker, I realised this was a war we had won. The bull was looking a bit like a purring kitten, which is out of character, but then I was behaving as though I knew what I was talking about, which I didn’t.

The first time these monetary advisors had wooed me with whine and poses – “you know, money can rot” (that naturally made me imagine how all those Gandhiji notes would turn frail and die) – I had rattled off, “But investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks”. Ah, I sure sounded as sharp as the jab I felt at the thought of my currency becoming fungus-ridden in the savings account or the fixed deposits.

Where did I learn all this? I tell you, television has its benefits. Each time they show an ad painting a rosy picture about how your funds can grow on trees, they come out with one big thorny statement uttered at breakneck speed at the very end, “Mutual funds are subject to market risks.” I have trained my ears; they can catch these things better than a classical raga. So, while it will take me hours to figure out whether it is raga bhairavi playing in the morning, I know for certain that I am at risk.

The banker did not know this background – nah, not about raga bhairavi, but about how I got my knowledge about mutual funds and the Spanish bullfight. So, he gave me the look he reserved for Carla Bruni before anyone knew about Carla Bruni. I was ready for anything and signed on the dotted line.

Aside: How can lines be dotted? I only see them straight and, worse, these guys even mark a cross to make sure I sign where I am supposed to.

Back to the present: That bull being shot out of the tanker was enough for me to make that call and tell them the stuff I am made of.

“We are up by 2111 points,” I said.

“Well, yes, but we need to wait and watch. This could be a temporary high.”

“Oh, you sound so bearish,” I finished.

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Disclaimer: I did not call anyone. All this happened in the mind, but now that I have said it, I will. The rest of the stuff is true.

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