Atheist's Paradise

Yes, there are several things I cannot get right...it takes me long...simple things...like how to upload videos...now that I have managed it, I don't even know how 'right' it is. But, hope you enjoy it.

Faith....

Long years ago, on a particular day, I was wearing black. I did not realise it was Muharram till I saw an acquaintance dressed in the same colour.

In our house, when I was growing up, black was not the colour to wear, especially during Muharram. I remember once I wore a black tee; it had a dash of white in it. Ammi wanted to know why I was wearing it.

N was my best friend. She observed the full 40 days of Muharram. On that one day I wanted to ‘feel’ like her; of course, I could not. I would wonder what she was mourning for and why she was not mourning the way I understood it – a deep grief that took over one’s entire being.

It was a ritual and she would come and tell me about the delicious khichda (haleem) she had. I disliked khichda anyway in those days.

But our friendship endured (in fact, has endured) through all the years. I would wait for her to return from the majlis and then we’d go for our stroll or to the library or just sit around.

She is now in the US. She wrote to me about being busy with work and having to attend majlis, and I send her silly forwards. She writes back for more “khabar about amchi Mumbai”.

We never felt the need to question each other’s faith or lack of it.

News Meeows - 12

Aamir Khan organised a special screening of his latest film Taare Zameen Pe for the leader of Opposition, LK Advani, who was in tears watching it.

The subject on a dyslexic child has been sensitively handled, I am told. I have yet to watch it, but how does Advani crying become news? Worse, watch the picture, Najma Heptullah, who happens to be Aamir’s aunt, looks decidedly shaken and Advani's daughter seems to be condoling.

Now, let us recall: Aamir has often been targeted by the BJP and his films were not screened in Gujarat after he took part in the Narmada Bachao Andolan. Anyone with some self-respect would not run to Delhi to be a part of this tamasha, unless you need to market your film. As for Ms Heptullah, my knowledge of her is of a warm person; the only aspect that rankled was her complete faith in the Gandhi family. What rankled even more was when she switched to the BJP.

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In what is yet another exposé of the sordid side of the glamour world, the crime branch police on Sunday arrested a Belgian national who allegedly sexually abused male models in the city under the pretext of giving them modelling assignments. He allegedly targeted young men from other states who were in the city looking for modelling jobs. Then, seeing that the victim began trusting him completely, he would slowly begin sexually exploiting him. Apparently, he even filmed his rendezvous with the models and would circulate the CDs overseas.

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It is time the cops took action. Foreigners are given kid-glove treatment and while the women who are exploited rightly complain and there is need for stringent action against the locals who misbehave with them, we have to keep in mind that at almost all holiday destinations tourists take advantage of locals, especially the poor and illiterate. These models at least can voice their protest. Hundreds of cases get buried beneath the hot sands of beach resorts.

Also, the social circuit puffs up every white skin that comes here to work for some multi-national company; they are feted at the best parties. Back home no one would have bothered about them.

- - -

A few members of Samajwadi Yuvjan Sabha, led by its zonal leader Farukh Ghosi, held a protest on Sunday against controversial Indian-born British writer Salman Rushdie outside the residence of Parmeshwar Godrej in Juhu. The protesters, carrying flags of the Samajwadi Party, raised slogans against the writer and the Indian government. “Salman Rushdie waapas jao,” shouted a protester.

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Rushdie was here on a private visit for some charity work organised by Ms. Godrej. I do not know how and why Indian charities continually need some famous outsider to further their cause. Also, if it was a private visit, how did it become public?

One more intriguing twist here: It was the Samajwadi Party wing that protested. Its supporters include Anil Ambani who

is quite thick with the Godrej family.

- - -

Osama bin Laden’s 26-year-old son has sought a British visa so that he and his granny bride can live in the country and have a surrogate child. British Embassy officials in Cairo have interviewed Omar bin Laden who plans to settle down with his 52-year-old wife Jane Felix-Browne at her home in Cheshire, have a child through a surrogate mother and work as “peace activists”.

May I know why she is constantly referred to as ‘granny bride’? Doddering old men in their 80s marry women in their 20s and no one refers to them as ‘grandpa groom’.

I can understand this being news because of the Osama connection. It is a sensitive topic and perhaps cause for concern among some sections of society. But let the officials do their investigations and let these two get on with their life together. They got married in September 2006, so it is not a flash in the pan. Not yet. And whatever it is at the personal level, it is their business.

- - -

The man, whom Princess Diana described as “Mr Wonderful” and “the greatest love of her life”, has broken his silence for the first time, admitting that he’s still “haunted by the Princess’ memory.” Di’s former lover and heart specialist Dr Hasnat Khan confessed that he has still not recovered from the princess’ death, and feels like screaming at times.

He paid homage to Diana by discussing the respect in which he holds the late princess, and criticising her memorial fountain in the process. “Creating a fountain is not how you should remember a great person. You put great people up as high as possible. Look at Nelson,” he said

Where was he all these years when all manner of memorials were erected in the memory of the woman who continues to haunt him? She may have been a great partner to him, a great human being, but she was not a great person as in those who change the way society thinks or bring about a renaissance or make a difference in public life. She was a social asset, not a national asset.

I think he was better off quiet.

- - -

Two of a kind

Baba Ramdev had become notorious when the CPI discovered skulls in his ashram. Here he is blessing who else but Narendra Modi. No comments!

Dis n Dat

I am angry. I was watching this music reality show “Chhote Ustad’, part of the Sa Re Ga Ma Pa series. The kids are quite talented. Last night they had Ghulam Ali saab as one of the special judges. In the course of the show, one of the participants asked him to become his guru, using emotional appeal.

The veteran singer agreed.

Later, one of the regular judges, Kunal Ganjawalla, whose singing career has thus far been about making dog sounds in every song – bow-woow-wo-ho – had the audacity to say that since the participant is so deserving and his financial situation is not very good, he would like to bear the expenses of his training. He turned to Ghulam Ali saab and said, “Aapki jo bhi qeemat hogi, mein usey de doonga” (Whatever be your fees, I will pay for it).

Bloody idiot. Does he even know his aukaat? Even if he had to, he could have done it off camera or just said he would like to help the fellow’s further training. Was there a need to act like an upstart that he in fact is?

It is to the credit of the senior that he said something to the effect that sur has no price. But what would a music thelewalla know?

I am still angry.

- - -

Why do we always say “cascading waterfall” although it does precious little besides cascade? It is like cricket commentators saying now the bowler has thrown the ball…what else is he supposed to do?

- - -

Yesterday morning I had set the alarm for 5 AM. That has been my schedule for some days now. My work of the moment is done. But I woke up. Feeling restless. As though something has been snatched from me even though I gave it away.

- - -

End quote: “Too fucking busy, and vice versa.” – Dorothy Parker [Reply to her editor who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her honeymoon]

I am tagged!

I love labels. What do the labels here mean - do they convey what the content carries? Here is some Sunday tattle...

Talking to myself: An attempt to confuse others about the confusion in one’s own head created out of the desperate need for clarity about the idea of confusion. Clear?

Quote uncoat: Wanting to add two-paise worth of crap to two-paise worth of crap. That is four paise, which is no currency and has no currency.

Trivial pursuit: Deconstructing little things that nobody cares about except the blogger because the blogger is a nitpicker.

Death: Something the blogger has no experience of yet writes about with much authority.

Life: Ditto.

Rewind: As though the current output is not enough, blogger takes a time-machine to the past and gets all nostalgic about something that probably never happened.

Feedback: What the whole world considers spam, blogger believes is addressed to her. Does any sane person think a note that says, “You can make someone happy” is about their writing skills??

A very short conversation: Blogger is telling people she knows how to keep it short. And that people actually talk to her.

Doodles: An activity indulged in when the blogger does not have words. Mostly the doodles look like words fattened on air.

Ten poems: This has taught her discipline, to count, and the aesthetic appeal of squiggles to demarcate each poem, so that no one mistakes one for the other, which is quite possible given that she herself often does.

Critique: This is to tell people who might not realise it that she is being unkind, little knowing that no one expects her to be anything but unkind all the time.

Let’s not get too serious: Blogger is asking you to laugh even if you don’t find it funny.

Just wondering: Blogger does not know what is going on.

Musings: Watch ceiling, watch sky, watch clouds, watch sun, watch underconstruction building, watch walls, watch monitor. Write something. Call it musings because it sounds better than fly-swotting.

Diva?

He carried a large plastic bag and sat awkwardly in the chair. We were at the physiotherapist’s. I had started my sessions; he had come for consultation. It was an unusually hectic day, so there was a bit of a wait. He smiled hesitantly; I smiled back.

The doc asked her assistant, “Have you got F’s diathermy ready?”

It was not.

The gentleman narrowed his eyes. “Ah, now I know,” he said as I looked in his direction. My expression must have been quizzical. “I just heard your name…I have been wondering that you looked familiar. So, you are FV. And you disappeared seven years ago.”

“You remember the timeframe?”

“Yes, and let me tell you that you made a deep impact on many of us. I was out of college. I first read you 15 years ago…”

He rattled off a few subjects I had written about.

“This is extremely touching,” I said.

And it was. It is. In a world where you have to be a known face and your identity rests largely on which parties you attend and who you hobnob with, this was refreshing and only confirms my belief that somewhere in the ether all is not lost.

He would not have thought about me as a diva. I was not even a ‘personality’. I do not know his name and will perhaps never see him again. I merely represented a certain thought-process and manner of expression that stayed with him. Because it perhaps reflected his. That is all. And that is what I am seen as. Not a diva.

In a city like Mumbai with the background one has it is the easiest thing to be a part of hype and hoopla. Does one imagine that all those who appear in the glossies have made a dent in someone’s way of thinking or mirrored anyone’s thoughts?

This may sound like a self-congratulatory post, but it could not come at a more opportune time.

At a time when I was told, “There has got to be some reason why people say all those nasty things about you.” Why? Reminds me of the judge in the courtroom asking the rape victim whether she was dressed provocatively, the implication being that she invited such an act.

What can I say?

- - -

My friends say I do not need to defend myself. You think being ‘controversial’ is fun? Try swapping places with me for two days.

Go through the experience of having your column taken off without the courtesy of being informed after 11 years of hard work. Go through the abuse I have gone through only for voicing certain views by people who remain largely anonymous. Go through times when you are threatened with physical assault. Go through the mental torture of watching all the effort of so many words and so much passion you feel for them being pinned down and destroyed with a single sentence or phrase. Go through the time when you watch people who genuinely support your views being dismissed as “lapdogs” and “bootlickers”; it demeans them and you because it tries to nullify everything.

These people can surround themselves with their fawning cliques even if they have nothing to show; I cannot get a bit of appreciation for the work I have done without someone hitting out at me even at this superficial level. It isn’t just unknown and insecure characters on websites and public platforms. I am talking about people who care.

For the past couple of weeks I have written a few times about these feelings. I am not worried about all this damaging my pride or self-esteem. I am concerned that I should not lose this thing called trust and to see caring as a sly strategy.

No. It won’t happen. I have patience and belief.

- - -

kiije na das me.n baiTh kar aapas kii baat chiit
pahu.Nchegii das hazaar jagaah das kii baat chiit

kab tak rahe.n Khaamosh ke zaahir se aap kii
ham ne bahut sunii kas-o-naakas kii baat chiit

muddat ke baad hazarat-e-naaseh karam kiyaa
farmaa_iiye mizaaj-e-muqaddas kii baat chiit

par tark-e-ishq ke liye izhaar kuchh na ho
mai.n kyaa karuu.N nahii.n ye mere bas kii baat chiit

kyaa yaad aa gayaa hai "Zafar" panjaa-e-nigaar
kuchh ho rahii hai band-o-muKhammas kii baat chiit

- Bahadur Shah Zafar

- - -

The last two segments have been added on Jan 4, 10 am

Is it in?

Maverick: The Trend Settlers
by Farzana Versey
The Asian Age, Op-ed, Jan. 1, 2008

Her lashes fluttering like a fan, she asked, “Is it in?”

“You should know!” he said with the vehemence of one whose pride has been hurt even if only for a few brief seconds.

Having just read that silicone implants were on their way out, she persisted.

“The world is flat,” he stated flatly.

Trends may change but the idea of the fad will remain. It is not merely about couture. People, professions, issues, non-issues too become talking and mocking points.

Here are the two major trends and their offshoots that will not go away…

Who’s afraid of Islamophobia?

This fad of Islamophobia is so infectious that even when British society fights Harrods, Mohammed al Fayed screams out the word.

Islam has ceased to be a mere religion; it is a huge cinematic production for many. The box office registers don’t stop each time there is a new Islamic release. There are several reasons for it.

Jihad is the most rocking contribution of Muslims. They just have to bare their teeth, ball their fists, carry a rucksack and they are said to be on a jihad. Most people associated with it have no idea what they are fighting. At least, George Bush was aware that oil could be a weapon of mass destruction; Muslims don’t even notice the oil under their feet.

The fatwa is something that lays a price on the head of anyone who has a swollen head. Potential targets are writers and anti-Islamists. It helps the world understand the religion better when an exiled writer has a fatwa issued against him/her. This is also the Muslim way of doing zakat towards Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Islam has also changed the terror business. It is seen as a corporatised entity with one CEO who no one wants to find, for the moment he is found this whole industry will fall apart. If you don’t have Islamic terror then you cannot put your army to use and an unused army is not good for patriotism.

Which brings us to Osama, a fictional character created by the US establishment to whitewash its past and justify its present. Meant to be devious, we occasionally get to see him in comic-strip TV format wearing clothes that tell us he has found a laundry service and a beard that has been coloured, which means he has a future as brand ambassador of L’Oreal.

All the world’s a globalised stage

Even as individual nations become highly xenophobic, they continue to talk about how small the world is.

More and more people will leave the shores to become ambassadors of the country. Not all will refer to their wives as headless chickens, though. Due to outsourcing, fewer men are looking for ‘innocent divorcees’ these days, mainly because of hymenoplasty. Women with a history are also seen as valuable as antiques. These and not the mini-skirted, bustier-busting babes-in-the-hood are the new trophy partners.

Neo-politicians are no more fuddy-duddy daddies of boom and doom. They are snazzy and trim their ear and nose hair. Since everyone from fashion to film stars to industrialists is in politics, this was bound to happen.

Internationally, they will fight terror. They don’t have to do anything else after saying that. Oh, they might like to take their model/actress/singer girlfriend on cruise holidays or convert to some other religion.

The Leftists have made it possible for people to stop saying they are Leftists; these days you say you are left of centre, which means you like your martini shaken and your ideology stirred. They don’t believe anymore that Lenin is better than borrowin’, though they continue to leave their Marx and some stains.

The farm fatales are rich politicos who have made loads of money and now think the only way to prevent farmer suicides is to buy the farms. Like buying the bathwater to bathe the baby.

Women in politics will continue to be seen as a different species. While in the west they will be expected to dress sharply by their makeover and publicity agents, in our part of the world you need to show that you are a grassroots person, unless you are a Rajya Sabha member, in which case you must look like a dream girl whatever be your age.

Survivors will be those who manage to save a few big bucks at the stock market. Self-made people will be those who go through a sex-change surgery.

Advertising remains superficially progressive. Remember the ad that was considered offensive because it showed a woman experiencing what seemed like orgasmic pleasure washing a male undergarment? The objection was to the sleaze. No one bothered to point out why on earth she was washing his clothes. See?

But these guys will go to Cannes and get some award for their ads on how to save trees or the girl child. Both die sooner than they’d have walked the length of the beach.

Then you have the NRIs who make home-video type movies about eating two-minute noodles with your fingers. It is a profound metaphor for confusion and coping with disparate cultures. The two minutes represent the fast-paced world we live in.

Bollywood will attract youngsters who are not from film families. Some have been to college and only because they have succeeded at the box office they assume they would have been great architects, doctors, rocket scientists. They speak in measured tones, often with an accent. They say they are striking a balance between art and mainstream cinema. They talk about how comfortable they are with their bodies (If they won’t be, then who would?). You can hear them whisper, “I may be signing up for that crossover film, The Devil Wears Parandi.”

Most over-used quote that will live on: “I am controversy’s favourite child.”

Me too. Like this column? SMS 2008. Lemme know if im in b4 im out!

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For some readers who may not know the background of certain expressions, here…

headless chickens – the term used by the cocky Indian ambassador to the US for our politicians who were nuking the nuclear deal with America

innocent divorcees – believe it or not but Indian matrimonial columns in mainstream newspapers did ask for such a creature

The Devil Wears Parandi – Parandi is the tasseled extension added to the braid of women, mainly in Punjab.

Like this column? SMS 2008 – This is a dig at The Times of India, India’s largest venerated newspaper. For a while now it runs this at the bottom of every column. I find it sick. Publications survive on ads, and the TOI had years ago decided that its Response Department would supersede its Editorial. I say, if you don’t have confidence in the abilities of your writers, then why have them?