Ask the vexpert - 13

Question: I am a 23-year-old man and my girlfriend is a year elder to me. Last fortnight we indulged in a French kiss which lasted for 10 to 15 minutes. Her period, which was due three days back, hasn’t started. She is getting very scared because she thinks it is because of the kiss. She is not ready to kiss me any more. I am really worried. Can it be true? Please help.

Sexpert: From what I know of French kissing – and I hope you’re referring to the same – there is no chance of pregnancy. Her period may have been delayed because of excitement.

Me: This is a matter of grave concern. India, as you know, is going through several crises – Naxalites, blasts, riots. At such a time when one’s patriotism is on test, and yet we manage to smile and shine and have gone and planted our flag on the moon, using a French method of expressing any positive feelings is just not done. As you are aware, we celebrate our loyalty to the nation by constant references to lahu – blood. Your girlfriend’s blood has done precisely that. It went on a good old three-day Indian hartal (strike). Please understand that we are very touchy about these issues and are globalised only in matters of chicken breasts, frog legs, and soufflé. To use the tongue-teeth for other purposes is tantamount to treason.

How do you kiss then? Try it the Indian way and I do not mean Kamasutra, which must be attempted only if you are planning to qualify for the Olympics or the marathon in your neighbourhood where your prowess will be noticed. The Indian way is to light an agarbatti, sing a song, then carry a flower each and let them meet. It shows devotion, the ability to express yourself and acceptance of the possibility of abstinence.

Also, you have committed the travesty of keeping track of the time spent in the activity. Indians are not known for that. We are laid lateefs.