Bachchan, Modi, Terrorists and Mumbai

Political expediency can be this obvious:

Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan has formally agreed to become the brand ambassador. Bachchan will participate in the development of Gujarat. He will use his image worldwide to promote tourism. Chief minister Narendra Modi in a letter to Bachchan has welcomed the actor’s decision.

Mr Bachchan was the brand ambassador of Uttar Pradesh. Ever since Amar Singh’s fallout with Mulayam Singh Yadav, it was understood that the Bachchans would not stick around. However, he ought not to have been in such a hurry. Gujarat has been flaunting its economic progress; it has done well for itself. So, obviously, it isn’t that everything was in the doldrums and they needed a superstar.

Mr B’s relationship and exposure to Gujarat is limited. I can hear the voices saying, he is an Indian and the best representative. True. But tourists are not going to flock to the state because of him. To make it worse, he had this to say:

“I do not agree with anyone who calls me shahenshah. This title is more apt for Modi; I am nowhere close.”

And, as a citizen of the country, he ought to realise that the Modi regime has been harsh on the industry from which he earns his livelihood. He may not protest when their films are banned, but the least he can do is not help out an establishment whose human rights record is abysmal.

This is complete obeisance, typical Bachchan fake humility. Only in this case, it sends out a different message. He owes it to the people of the nation. I doubt whether we’ll hear much against this, and if you do it will be couched in sober words.

Mr Amitabh Bachchan has conveniently sold out to the best possible hope for him at the moment. Mr Bachchan has acted irresponsibly in doing so.

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How stupid it all is. This Marathi maanus versus the rest of the country. I have said it before that the RSS will not support the Shiv Sena stance because the saffron lot depends on the northern belt. So, no surprises about the BJP’s position.

However, they have smartly – and wrongly – invoked Article 370 to define the Sena attitude to that prevalent in Jammu and Kashmir. One has to do with sovereignty; the other prejudice. One has got a historical reason, however fissiparous it has turned out to be; the other is simply to keep out immigrants from within. Article 370 does not talk about kashmiriat; the Sena idea is about Marathi maanus.

Is the opposition to this strong, or even sensible, enough? No. Here is what Rahul Gandhi has said:

“North Indians (NSG) saved Mumbaikars during 26/11. If terror has to be fought, let Biharis stay in.”

This is ridiculous. Is he trying to say that the NSG specifically employs only North Indians? How many Mumbaikars were saved? What about the times they were not saved? Since when have Biharis become the force against terror? Is this about terrorism at all?

Sheer poppycock is passing for politics, which is bad enough on its own.

All that has to be done is throw the Constitution on the face of the Shiv Sena or drag the party to court. No Opposition party will dare do that because they are thinking about the future, about coalitions, about feeding their own vote banks.

Too much light

I find it difficult to discuss celebrity lives, but when these lives are thrust on us with details, allegations and clarifications, then we do have a right to comment. Especially, if what is being stated reflects rather poorly on how these public figures choose to behave and yet expect to be seen as role models. In the case of Om Puri (his earlier controversy included) there is also the aura of being a serious actor and not the usual suspect.

He and his wife have decided to get a divorce. Fine. It is how he is going about it that is disturbing. He had moved into his first wife’s office and now he has returned because he wants his son to come to terms with the situation. This is what he said:

“I want to spend my old age with Seemaji. I’ve done her wrong in the past. I need to make amends. And after my back surgery I need to be looked after.”

This is pure selfishness. What amends will he make while she is looking after his back? He went to her when he wanted, walked out when he felt it was required, will wait till his son understands – the son who brought a photocopy of a newspaper story home for his mother to read is already grown up and knows what is happening. What does the first wife do? Wait endlessly for old age?

Meanwhile, what sort of equation will he share with the second wife who knows of his decision to leave?

“Personally, I’ve been going through a painful period. Career-wise too, I’m not happy with the roles coming my way. If this continues, I’ll leave Mumbai and live a life of anonymity in any small town. But I’d think about this only after Ishaan is 18.”

I’d say this about anyone. There is absolutely no sense of propriety here. Two women and a child are at the mercy of a man’s personal trauma, his career. If his career picks up he will be in the limelight. Then he won’t think about anonymity.

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In a related story, our celebrities were asked whether Jennifer Aniston should accept Brad Pitt back since he is splitting with Angelina Jolie.

Is this all about taking back, going back, leaving, being left?

Don’t people care about subtlety and areas of darkness?

When the swine get you swooning

Can you imagine Indian President Pratibha Patil saying that tur daal is good for mating or Asif Ali Zardari voicing his approval for magaz (brain) masala as aphrodisiac?

The Argentinean president has no such qualms. She is all for bacon in bed. Cristina Fernandez was speaking to what reports refer to as the “swine industry” representatives. So charged up is she over how pigs set the hormones aflame and the adrenaline to rush that she has even offered subsidies.

The climactic moment with hubby...when she became the first woman president

Her testimonial goes something like this:

“I didn’t know that eating pork improved sexual activity. It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra.”

Now she knows through some pig-sty activity with her hubby, the former Prez, Nestor Kirchner. I think there is some feminist type lesson here. Men take Viagra. Therefore, it is men who will eat grilled pork. (I am assuming baked, fried, sautéed or raw are not as effective, or perhaps it is only a matter of taste.) Does the onus fall on men to not only perform in bed but also in the kitchen? If not, then does the woman cook it? Does she too partake of it? Having had their fill, both at the table and on it, is it possible that the male, being handicapped due to physical reasons, peaks less and the woman needs to channelise it elsewhere and finally does reach the top? Maybe even becomes president?

Just thinking aloud.

Argentina is traditionally a beef-eating nation and there are already discussions about how cows will be put to pasture and sheep will be left to graze, contributing precious little to the citizens’ culinary and carnal appetite.

The pork guys are happy. Said one of them:

“In Osaka, Japan, there is a village in which the people who reached 105 years old and ate a lot of pork had a lot of sexual activity.”

If the village is an example, it could mean that pork, like all red meat, adds loads of calories. But before the calories can make a home in the body, they are quickly burned off by sexual activity. Since people are kept busy and after a certain age do not have to worry about procreating, they enjoy themselves. There is less stress, more desire to live, so they live longer.

Can this module be replicated in other parts of the world? I mean, man on Wall Street downs a super large pork burger, calls up his partner at the university where she teaches who is slicing into a neat chunk of ham; they meet for a quickie, go back to stressful work, return late, down burger/chunk/whatever, try out some stunts, dream about the market crunch and academic crap. They are stressed as hell and will soon give up. On each other. Or, on the pork.

Sexy swines

It doesn’t quite work like Osaka. But it’s a nice thought that pigs may not fly, but could help humans to do so.

One more thing: Jews may be super rich and super smart and Islam may be the fastest-growing religion, but, sowy, being kosher will not get them far.

PS: Are the Viagra manufacturers going to announce a fatwa and place a price on the presidential head?

News meeows - 23

Tony Blair’s sycophancy towards the US is well-known. He is now defending himself before the first official grilling of sending 45,000 troops to Iraq in 2003. That is six years too late.



His remarks are completely off:

“This isn’t about a lie, or a conspiracy, or a deceit, or a deception, this is a decision. And the decision I had to take was, given Saddam’s history, given his use of chemical weapons, given the over 1 million people whose deaths he caused, given 10 years of breaking UN resolutions, could we take the risk of this man reconstituting his weapons programme? I believed ... that we were right not to run that risk.”

Was this his decision or his Party’s? Or was it prompted by America? Had Saddam caused deaths outside his country? Did anyone in Iraq seek western intervention? Now that no WMDs have been found, he is talking about the threat of Saddam reconstituting his weapons programme. Does the West not have the technical arsenal to know about such earth-shaking occurrences? Aren’t they warning the rest of the world about imminent attacks? Weapons programmes do not just drop from certain skies or sprout from the soil of selected nations. It takes some work and that can be traced.

The more amazing comment is Blair being concerned about Saddam breaking UN resolutions. Apparently he had already promised Bush his support to get to the weapons for, “If we tried the UN route and that failed, my view was it had to be dealt with.”

So, the possibility of the UN route failing was there. Could not Saddam have utilised those same loopholes and tardiness?

And then he has the gumption to state that the post-war planning was flawed:

“The planning assumption that...everybody made was that there would be a functioning civil service. Contrary to what we thought ... we found a completely broken system.”

What did he expect? After decimating a country pretending to help it, there would be a system that would work so that the West could arrive to the sound of bugles and put up a puppet regime?

This war was a lie and deceit. And there ought to be international legal provisions to try leaders of countries that use the UN as their toad.

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Can Shahrukh Khan please thank the Shiv Sena? Or has he already done it much before the ‘controversy’? I hate to revisit the IPL saga, but when the first bits of news trickled in I did not read a single comment by the actor. He came in later to say that the Pakistanis and Australians must be allowed to play. Now, the Shiv Sena has asked its party’s loyal workers to tear posters of the not-yet-released film My Name Is Khan.

Last night I was watching a discussion between a SS guy and an activist, Gerson da Cunha. We know what the SS guy must have said, but Mr da Cunha wondered why the Shiv Sena has not done anything about ‘Bombay’ Port or the ‘Bombay’ Times. I found the latter bit intriguing. The gentleman, although among the few truly genuine people as per my instinct, is pretty much visible on Page 3. It was, therefore, a bit surprising that he brought this up. Also, he made a specific reference to the TOI “at Bori Bunder”! As many of you might not be aware, that stretch was called that, the Bori standing for the Bohris – a sect of Muslims. I think he was trying to make a point.

Anyhow, after that I changed channels and there was Sharukh on a news programme talking with Karan Johar and Kajol and they did their hokey-pokey routine. Is anyone from the SS objecting to the promos, the interviews on TV, in the newspapers?

No. Because the SS needs to be in the news and so do the people “in trouble”, especially if the trouble is going to get them the attention they need at the moment.

The Shiv Sena is a public service organisation that keeps our celebrities in fine fettle. The film is to release only in the second week of this month. Our Home Minister P. Chidambaram has come out and spoken about how he would like to see the Pak players in action. He said it was his personal opinion. The Home Minister cannot appear before the media and give his personal opinion on a subject that has the nation in thrall and is already a diplomatic disaster. No one asked him what his favourite video game was.

So, Shahrukh gets Congress support but being a good Maharashtrian he will also be nice to the SS…maybe an apology, maybe a special meeting with the Supremo where ‘the matter will be resolved’? And then a special screening with buttered popcorn?

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How important is it for anyone to have news channels discuss Sania Mirza’s broken engagement? We know that the media is intrusive and we are. If it has to be reported, fine. Be done with it. But, no. They were playing Hindi film songs in the background and brought in the third party factor, too. Worse, her publicity-hungry father was telling media persons about “incompatibility”, and one anchor in the studio said how can they now become incompatible when they were compatible when they got engaged?

Clearly, this woman has no idea. Did the media ask them whether they planned to get married because they were compatible? It could have been that he liked watching her play.

This has given enough grist for the glossies and sundry snippets to debate the issue about women’s achievement and men’s insecurity. Ten people are asked ten questions in ten places and they give ten answers which effectively say nothing that we don’t already know.

For the 'don’t already know' and my views, watch this space. (Hah, isn’t that how the media keeps you hooked? I am just tryin’ my hand at it too!)

Let us buy Imran Khan

Every new “twist” in the IPL tale would be yawn-producing had it not been full of lies. Some West Indies cricketer suddenly needs surgery, so now we can get Pakistani bowler Abdul Razzaq. Everyone thinks it is ok. No security issues. Nothing.

I think if there are people in this country and in Pakistan who really believe that throwing balls and hitting bouncers is going to result in peace, then the man to buy is Imran Khan.

We are always worried about the Taliban, right? He is our man. He can talk to them. The moment he plays a few ‘peacing’ matches – and he will invest all that money in his cancer hospital, too – the good Talibs will shoo away the bad Talibs. Now that America too is willing to talk to them, it will be all good.

Imran Khan does not have a chance in hell, or heaven, to lead his country politically. He can try this out. Sold-out matches and the only Talibs who will be at our border would be those sending SMS messages for some competition or the other that is taking place. We will make more money; they will make more money. Who knows, Asif Ali Zardari, who has a fan following in Bradford, may even ask some Pakistanis to return home and sneak out for some much-needed rest and join Sarah Palin on a foxy talk show. Pakistanis will be relieved. India will be happy to play Big Bro once again.

And, yes, Parmeshwar Godrej’s swimming pool will be waiting to cool off Imran Khan. Remember he had asked on the earlier occasion that India should help Pakistani democracy?

Don’t ever call me a cynic again. I have given my thoughts on how to make piss.

Mukesh Ambani's India

Mukesh bhai is a smart cat – he used the Mumbai/Marathi taxi driver controversy to push the Indian liberalisation idea.

During a panel discussion at the London School of Economics he reportedly said that while India’s corporate world had moved away from ‘licence Raj’ after economic liberalisation, Mumbai’s “poor taxi-wala is still dealing with licence Raj”. The gathering applauded.

He was telling the diaspora achievers, “The achievements of our diaspora help India, but now is the time to come back. There are more opportunities in India.”

How have the achievements of the diaspora helped India? What diaspora is he talking about? The LSE-Ivy League one. The success stories. The return carrot is being dangled because it will make the liberalisation more acceptable.

His is a limited perspective. “We are all Indians first. Mumbai, Chennai and Delhi belong to all Indians. That is the reality.”

What about Jamshedpur, Junagadh, Singur, Nandigram? Why are the areas where the real money is made left out? They must not belong to everyone because that is where the riches will spurt from.

If we return to the first statement I quoted, his amnesia is palpable. Dhirubhai Ambani can be called the father of the Licence Raj. It was used rather effectively. Now, just because the son is sanctified by Forbes and, don’t forget, the brothers had managed to get the father legitimised by Wharton, the licence Raj is considered wrong. The “poor taxi-wala” got applause from an audience that will never have to deal with such situations; they are reaping the harvest of this same licence Raj that their parents made use of.

The issue is not of getting permits, but of not being permitted on parochial lines. Has Mukesh Ambani asked the cab drivers or the masala-papad waalas abroad to return? They too face discrimination in countries they have migrated to – be it on the basis of religion, language or place of origin.

Padma's Lakshmi and Sant Chatwal

The nation’s highest civilian honours are announced on Republic Day, and as always there is cause for heartburn for those left out and amusement to onlookers.

10 per cent have been hogged by outsiders – yeah, expats. We’ll get to them in a minute.

Here are the awards:

• Padma Vibhushan: “exceptional and distinguished service’’
• Padma Bhushan: “distinguished service of high order’’
• Padma Shri: “distinguished service in any field’’

What is Farid Zakaria’s achievement when compared to the years of work by artists Akbar Padamsee or Ram Kumar (they have all got the Padma Bhushan)? Is it important to choose someone from particular fields? Think about how Sitara Devi was constantly sidelined and refused to accept an award not in keeping with her stature. I’d say all this does not matter, but these are public figures who have contributed a lot to their field, at times exceptionally so.

In a nation that prides itself on being on the go we could not find a worthy candidate who could be a jewel, a Bharat Ratna? That should make us ashamed and stop bragging.

It is not surprising that the Nobel, Magsaysay and Oscar winning guys will take away the Padmas too; they have to because India needs to prove that we also celebrate what they do.

This brings us to the most controversial award-winner this year – US-based hotelier Sant Chatwal. He gets the Padma Bhushan in the field of public affairs. As far as we know running hotels is indeed a public service, but that isn’t what the committee thought about. He has been a fund-raiser for the Democrats, primarily the Clintons. Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State. Let us not forget for a moment that political considerations always work.

You perform a surgery on a bigwig, you interview him, you clean his cupboards but do not wash his dirty linen and you have it made.

I think Sant Chatwal deserves it. He is the successful face of our country we’d like to show; he is from a minority community, he pushes the royal Indian version when his son gets married and makes us look like a land of elephants, which we indeed are. It is really bridging the gap between the traditional and the modern that is so important to us, although we have no idea about what really traditional means and what modern means. For us, tradition is ritualistic and modernity is of course westernisation.

There is no need to be surprised. Why is everyone mentioning the cases of fraud against him now? As though the awards committee does not know. He is our man in the US, and we need our men in the US. Sant Chatwal has been offered a lollipop to keep him happy; his happiness will spill over and fill the coffers of that huntress Hillary and we might get a little pat on the back for being tough on terrorism.

As on every such occasion, we were warned about attacks. The security agencies were also examining the tunnel on the border. This tunnel must have been a real quickie. Anyhow, I hope our guys were more prominent in the Padma lists; their getting awards for bravery is different.

Former CBI chief D R Karthikeyan, who headed the SIT which probed the Rajiv assassination case, has also been selected for the Padma Shri award. Now? Time to wake up.

I think there should be bidding for these awards. Really.

End Note

Can someone please tell me since when has Mile Sur Mera Tumhara become “The song of India”? It is about India, about promoting its “multi-culti”, in Naipaul’s words, but who decides on something being the song of a nation? And if it is, then why has it been revamped to look like a cross between a Bachchan-infused Mani Ratnam film and an ad for Lux soap?